Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Frostbite Prevented By Shrinkage

Did you see the Oval Office picture of President Bush, President-elect Obama and former presidents Bush, Clinton and Carter? Obama appeared to be the only one who didn’t have his hands behind his back hiding the souvenirs he stole.

That’s the first time in eight years the average IQ in the Oval Office hit triple-digits.

Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Joe Francis, the man behind the "Girls Gone Wild" videos, say the porn business is doing so bad that they’re going to Washington to ask for a $5 billion bailout. Capitol Hill is pretty upset at the move but that won’t stop Flynt and Francis since both are used to getting a rise out of members of Congress.

Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe The Plumber, is heading to Iraq to cover the war for a conservative Web site. He’ll be heavily guarded to protect him from Iraqis who haven’t had plumbing since the war started.

The word is out that former Australian prime minister John Howard is the person keeping the Obamas out of the Blair House until the inauguration. Howard is in town to pick up the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Bush, which apparently doesn’t come with a cash prize that would allow him to stay at a nice hotel.

An inspector found that Chicago Public Schools employees paid $67,000 for 30 cappuccino machines for a culinary arts program and only three have been used. That’s too bad because Chicago children need to stay awake in school, especially during government class.

A woman in Ogden, Utah, spent more than a day stuck headfirst inside a vent at her home after falling in while vacuuming it. She would have been rescued sooner but the first person who heard her yelling “Vent! Eeee!” went to get her a large cup of coffee.

It's another girl for Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck. Mother and daughter are fine, but Ben is still recovering from hearing that the baby’s first word was “Gigli.”

Scientists studying the rise in ocean levels will use a robotic yellow submarine to dive under an ice shelf in Antarctica. The researchers will first spend a week practicing to get the song out of their heads.

President-elect Barack Obama named Nancy Killefer as his administration's chief performance officer, the watchdog for federal spending programs such as Social Security and Medicare. She must be tough … she beat out a pit bull wearing lipstick.

Oprah Winfrey says she gained 40 pounds since 2005 by gorging on bags of organic multigrain blue chips. She knew she was in trouble when she caught herself licking the TV screen while watching The Smurfs.

Jenny Craig Inc. announced that singer and actress Queen Latifah will continue as its celebrity spokeswoman for 2009. If she falls off the diet wagon, she’s already received an offer for 2010 to become Dairy Queen Latifah.

Atheists in England have taken out ads on 800 buses to promote their view that God doesn't exist. It’s a tough sell since tourists riding on buses speeding through London traffic jams are constantly yelling “Oh God!”

A male skier at a Vail, Colorado, resort spent about 15 minutes dangling upside down from a lift with his pants around his knees before he was rescued. Talk about a Seinfeld moment … the only thing that saved him from an embarrassing case of frostbite was shrinkage.

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