Monday, February 22, 2010

Three Mushkateers

The Netherlands announced it is removing its troops from Afghanistan. Out of habit, George W. Bush is boycotting Dutch Boy paints while Dick Cheney water-boarded some little girls for refusing to stop Double Dutch rope-jumping.

A new study found that the high unemployment rate has had a negative effect on breakfast sales at fast-food restaurants. McDonald’s may try to reduce prices by cutting out the bread and cheese and just selling the Egg McNothing.

President Obama caused some controversy during the Governor’s Ball at the White House by toasting the attendees with a glass filled with water. The Democrats didn’t mind but the Republicans didn’t like having to whine by themselves.

The owner of a Beaver Creek, Colorado mansion once owned by President Gerald Ford is selling the home for $13 million. The price is high because every doorway, stairway and piece of wooden furniture is heavily padded.

Brothel owners in the Lugano area of Switzerland are training their workers in the use of defibrillators due to their high number of elderly clients. The girls are instructed to shock the customer’s chest to get his heart started and then shock his face to remove the smile.

A truckload of confiscated marijuana with a street value of more than $1 million disappeared somewhere between Memphis and Louisville. Tennessee authorities think it’s being smoked in Louisville because everybody knows that in the past Kentucky blew grass.

In Orlando, Florida, a man attending a gun safety class in a church was accidentally shot in the foot by his instructor. The instructor was apparently combining religion and guns by teaching from the Book of Shooteronomy.

A Saudi Arabian court handed down a 120-lash sentence to a man who was simultaneously married to six women, which is two more than the legal limit. Do you know what a man who’s married to six women calls 120 lashes? A vacation.

British scientists claim to have developed a new low-fat chocolate bar that is nearly two-thirds water yet tastes the same as regular chocolate. New candy bars that are mostly water are the Milky Wave, the Mr. Goodbath and the Three Mushkateers.

More than 30 years after the first test tube baby, researcher say that the more than 3 million babies conceived that way are healthy and normal. Except for an aversion to using glass-enclosed elevators.

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