Sunday, October 4, 2009

Big Mac-elangelo and Mona lattes

Robert J. "Joe" Halderman, David Letterman’s extortionist, was arraigned in a Manhattan court. He pleaded not guilty to grand larceny and guilty to providing the rest of the late-night talk show hosts with a week’s worth of jokes.

October 3rd was the one-year anniversary of TARP, the Troubled Asset Relief Program that gave away $700 million in taxpayer money. To celebrate the birthday, I went out and spanked some bankers.

Michael David Barrett was arrested in Chicago and charged with taking those nude videos of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews through a hotel room peephole. Andrews picked him out of a police lineup of six guys squinting with one eye.

The city council in Providence, R.I., voted to close a legal loophole that allowed girls under age 18 to perform as strippers. The thing that underage dancers swing around on while performing is called a “stripper Polanski.”

American Idol judge Simon Cowell celebrated his 50th birthday over the weekend at a party near London attended by celebrity guests, including Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul. To avoid an accident, Simon asked Paula not to help him blow out the candles.

President and Mrs. Obama celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary over the weekend with dinner at an elegant restaurant called the Blue Duck Tavern. The Secret Service had to kick out one conservative chef who wanted to serve Obama crow.

A photograph of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s identity card shows that his name used to be Sabourjian – a Jewish name meaning cloth weaver. This could be just the birther controversy that will finally bring Ahmadinejad and Obama together.

New York City’s Education Department has banned bake sales as school fundraisers to keep students away from eating too much sugar and fats. Schoolchildren will now have to raise funds the old-fashioned way – by stealing lunch money from the younger kids.

Todd Palin has quit his oil field job as a production operator for BP PLC. He still plans to keep his fishing job so he can keep his lying skills sharp for Sarah’s presidential campaign.

Tesla Motors, makers of the $109,000 Roadster electric car, announced a maintenance plan where mechanics will travel to owners' homes to do repairs and tuneups. Sounds like the Tesla service department is run by health insurance company.

The New York Red Bulls pro soccer team is building a new stadium in New Jersey that will be used for soccer only. Based on how Americans support major league soccer, this will be the first vacant lot that someone spends $200 million on to turn into a vacant lot.

British archaeologists have discovered a smaller circle of stones near Stonehenge that they’ve named Bluehenge. Sounds like the perfect vacation spot for Druids who can’t afford Stonehenge’s high admission price.

Cirque du Soleil founder turned space tourist Guy Laliberte is clowning around on the International Space Station. NASA says he’s funny, but not as funny as watching rookie astronauts not used to weightlessness trying to use the space toilet.

McDonald’s is opening a restaurant and a McCafe in the Louvre museum in Paris next month. They’re hoping museum patrons will enjoy the new menu featuring the Big Mac-elangelo and Mona lattes.