Two teenage brothers in Australia turned in more than $86,000 they found in a creek while fishing. Being typical fishermen, they told their friends they found $172,000.
A California man charged with throwing thousands of golf balls out his car window in Joshua Tree National Park claims he did it to honor dead golfers. He got caught when park rangers found a mountain lion whacking his golf balls at tourists and pretending to be a Tiger.
Scientists at the Everglades National Park speculate that an African rock python and a Burmese python could mate in the Florida swamp and produce a huge, possibly man-eating hybrid. With the new species expected to reach well over twenty feet long, small airports nearby are cautioning pilots not to accidentally land their planes on a snake.
Former George W. Bush speechwriter Matt Latimer's new book reveals that Bush once said of Jimmy Carter: "If I'm ever eighty-two years old and acting like that have someone put me away." Secret Service agents had to stop a number of people yelling, “Why wait?”
David Hasselhoff’s 17-year-old daughter called paramedics to take him to the hospital because he was drunk, but Hasselhoff says it was just a bad reaction to some medication for an ear infection. The Hoff has invited Pierce Morgan and Sharon Osborne over so he has enough votes to kick his daughter out.
A new book reveals that Barack Obama didn’t like the slogan “Yes we can” when it was first proposed to him during the 2004 Illinois Senate race because he thought it was “childish.” He gave in when Michelle called him a big baby.
In the book "Barack and Michelle: Portrait of an American Marriage," Christopher Andersen say Michelle Obama shot down Hillary Clinton as a potential vice president because she didn’t want her and Bill down the hall in the White House. Especially after the Secret Service said she couldn’t cover the doorknobs to her bedroom with Vaseline.
New York Governor David Paterson says he’ll run in 2010 even though President Obama asked him not to. Obama would rather have someone with a better chance of winning and has narrowed his list down to everyone else in New York except Al Sharpton and the Mets.
President Obama played 18 holes of golf with New York Times columnist Tom Friedman. No one would say who won, but Friedman kept complaining that the course was not flat.
The Emmy Awards did well in the ratings thanks to emcee Neil Patrick Harris. Harris couldn’t wait to rub the ratings in the noses of last year’s emcees who kept referring to him as “Doogie Hoster.”
Rocker Courtney Love allegedly went nuts when someone at a party opened an unlocked bathroom door and saw her on the toilet with her skirt around her ankles. Courtney just hates people seeing her like that without paying for a concert ticket first.
A Huntsville, Ala., defense contractor was the high bidder at $63,000 in an eBay auction for dinner with Sarah and Todd Palin. According to the rules, the dinner will not exceed four hours, no politics will be discussed and the winner must not wear Levis.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Like reprimanding a congressman
According to a new study reported in the journal Child Development, spanking 1-year-old children leads to more aggressive behavior and less sophisticated cognitive development in the next two years. Kind of like reprimanding a congressman.
Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that the company became "cash-flow positive" during the second quarter and has 300 million users worldwide. I can’t believe I didn’t see one tweet on this story.
During an interview, former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer said that by not reforming Wall Street now, we are “sowing the seeds of a future crisis.” No, wait, that’s what he said about not throwing away his little black book.
A team of U.S. astronomers used one of the world's most advanced new telescopic instruments to take pictures of the black hole in the middle of the Milky Way galaxy. Glenn Beck wants to know when our tax dollars will be spent on looking at white holes.
Bob Dylan will premiere some of his new paintings at an exhibition at the National Gallery of Denmark next year. They’ll be easy to spot because they’re fuzzy and make no sense.
A judge in Barcelona, Spain, ruled that swearing at your boss is not grounds for dismissal. Here’s an eerie coincidence … the name of the Spanish man who swore at his boss was José Wilson.
Astronomers have discovered the first planet outside of our solar system that is solid and not a ball of gas. There goes Rush Limbaugh’s dream of having a planet named after him.
Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb has a cracked rib. McNabb is expected to recover from the injury quickly because his doctor wrapped his chest in a bandage featuring a photo of Michael Vick.
Two-time Olympic beach volleyball gold medalist Misty May-Treanor, who injured her Achilles’ tendon on “Dancing With The Stars,” is getting back together with her teammate Kerri Walsh for a tournament. Walsh is a little worried about May-Traynor getting hurt again since she’ll be the only person at the event watching Misty’s ankle.
A Colorado couple getting married in Vancouver, British Columbia, has hired a ventriloquist's dummy to perform the ceremony. All of the dummy’s moves will be controlled by a female ventriloquist, giving the groom a good look at what his future holds.
Sean Penn, not yet divorced from Robin Wright, has been spotted in New York with Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Jessica White. At the next meeting with Robin’s lawyer to discuss the divorce settlement, Sean is going to be a dead man weeping.
Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay says he injured his foot rehearsing for “Dancing with the Stars.” Tom still isn’t used to having both feet on the ground instead of one in his mouth.
ACORN has ordered an independent investigation of two employees who were caught on camera appearing to advise a couple posing as a prostitute and pimp to lie about the woman's profession. The employees also got a thank-you note from the Republican National Committee for the good idea.
Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that the company became "cash-flow positive" during the second quarter and has 300 million users worldwide. I can’t believe I didn’t see one tweet on this story.
During an interview, former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer said that by not reforming Wall Street now, we are “sowing the seeds of a future crisis.” No, wait, that’s what he said about not throwing away his little black book.
A team of U.S. astronomers used one of the world's most advanced new telescopic instruments to take pictures of the black hole in the middle of the Milky Way galaxy. Glenn Beck wants to know when our tax dollars will be spent on looking at white holes.
Bob Dylan will premiere some of his new paintings at an exhibition at the National Gallery of Denmark next year. They’ll be easy to spot because they’re fuzzy and make no sense.
A judge in Barcelona, Spain, ruled that swearing at your boss is not grounds for dismissal. Here’s an eerie coincidence … the name of the Spanish man who swore at his boss was José Wilson.
Astronomers have discovered the first planet outside of our solar system that is solid and not a ball of gas. There goes Rush Limbaugh’s dream of having a planet named after him.
Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb has a cracked rib. McNabb is expected to recover from the injury quickly because his doctor wrapped his chest in a bandage featuring a photo of Michael Vick.
Two-time Olympic beach volleyball gold medalist Misty May-Treanor, who injured her Achilles’ tendon on “Dancing With The Stars,” is getting back together with her teammate Kerri Walsh for a tournament. Walsh is a little worried about May-Traynor getting hurt again since she’ll be the only person at the event watching Misty’s ankle.
A Colorado couple getting married in Vancouver, British Columbia, has hired a ventriloquist's dummy to perform the ceremony. All of the dummy’s moves will be controlled by a female ventriloquist, giving the groom a good look at what his future holds.
Sean Penn, not yet divorced from Robin Wright, has been spotted in New York with Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Jessica White. At the next meeting with Robin’s lawyer to discuss the divorce settlement, Sean is going to be a dead man weeping.
Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay says he injured his foot rehearsing for “Dancing with the Stars.” Tom still isn’t used to having both feet on the ground instead of one in his mouth.
ACORN has ordered an independent investigation of two employees who were caught on camera appearing to advise a couple posing as a prostitute and pimp to lie about the woman's profession. The employees also got a thank-you note from the Republican National Committee for the good idea.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
A bug zapper?
Volkswagen announced it will unveil a new electric car called the E-Up at this week's Frankfurt Auto Show. If the E-Up electric car replaces the Beetle, will that make it a bug zapper?
During an interview on CNBC, President Obama called Kanye West a "jackass" for interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards. In response, Osama bin Laden released another audio tape with the message, “What am I, chopped liver?”
Vice President Joe Biden made an unannounced trip to Baghdad to show that the White House is still focused on Iraq. Biden isn’t worried about reporters throwing shoes at him … he’s got plenty of experience catching feet in his mouth.
According to a new book by former White House speechwriter Matt Latimer, President Bush mocked other politicians behind their backs, saying Hillary Clinton had a “fat keister.” Hillary took it as a compliment because Bush is the only president who seemed to notice her keister at all.
Congressman Joe Wilson's wife Roxanne said in a campaign video that after the president’s speech she asked her husband, “Joe, who's the nut that hollered out, 'you lie'?” She didn’t recognize it because at home he hollers at her using his “inside” voice.
Reporters are barred from Sarah Palin's speech to investors in China later this month. Rumor has it it’s a new campaign strategy she’s testing out for a possible 2012 presidential run.
The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at former President George W. Bush was released from prison after nine months and accused Iraqi security forces of torturing him with beatings, whippings and electric shocks. If he thinks that’s torture, he’d better hope he never finds himself alone in a room with Bush’s mother, Barbara.
A 107-year-old woman in Malaysia who been married 22 times says she’s afraid her husband will leave her and she’ll have to start looking for number 23. She’s been married so many times, the marriage license bureau in Kuala Lumpur just stamps her hand.
President Obama's next-door neighbors in Chicago have put their 6,000-square-foot house up for sale. They want to be out before Halloween when they expect to be swamped by thousands of kids dressed like Joe Wilson looking for the l liar’s house.
Jessica Simpson posted on her Twitter page that a coyote ran off with her dog, a maltipoo given to her by ex-husband Nick Lachey. She got a tweet back from Paris Hilton telling her a place to buy a purse covered in coyote repellant.
A hotel in Aruba is offering a $300 “conception credit” to couples who can prove they conceived a child while staying there. To get the reward, the couple needs a doctor’s note confirming the conception date, not just a hotel receipt and a torn condom.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants to turn a soon-to-be-closed prison building in Virginia into the nation's first chicken empathy museum. I think it’s going to be called the Guggen-hen.
During an interview on CNBC, President Obama called Kanye West a "jackass" for interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards. In response, Osama bin Laden released another audio tape with the message, “What am I, chopped liver?”
Vice President Joe Biden made an unannounced trip to Baghdad to show that the White House is still focused on Iraq. Biden isn’t worried about reporters throwing shoes at him … he’s got plenty of experience catching feet in his mouth.
According to a new book by former White House speechwriter Matt Latimer, President Bush mocked other politicians behind their backs, saying Hillary Clinton had a “fat keister.” Hillary took it as a compliment because Bush is the only president who seemed to notice her keister at all.
Congressman Joe Wilson's wife Roxanne said in a campaign video that after the president’s speech she asked her husband, “Joe, who's the nut that hollered out, 'you lie'?” She didn’t recognize it because at home he hollers at her using his “inside” voice.
Reporters are barred from Sarah Palin's speech to investors in China later this month. Rumor has it it’s a new campaign strategy she’s testing out for a possible 2012 presidential run.
The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at former President George W. Bush was released from prison after nine months and accused Iraqi security forces of torturing him with beatings, whippings and electric shocks. If he thinks that’s torture, he’d better hope he never finds himself alone in a room with Bush’s mother, Barbara.
A 107-year-old woman in Malaysia who been married 22 times says she’s afraid her husband will leave her and she’ll have to start looking for number 23. She’s been married so many times, the marriage license bureau in Kuala Lumpur just stamps her hand.
President Obama's next-door neighbors in Chicago have put their 6,000-square-foot house up for sale. They want to be out before Halloween when they expect to be swamped by thousands of kids dressed like Joe Wilson looking for the l liar’s house.
Jessica Simpson posted on her Twitter page that a coyote ran off with her dog, a maltipoo given to her by ex-husband Nick Lachey. She got a tweet back from Paris Hilton telling her a place to buy a purse covered in coyote repellant.
A hotel in Aruba is offering a $300 “conception credit” to couples who can prove they conceived a child while staying there. To get the reward, the couple needs a doctor’s note confirming the conception date, not just a hotel receipt and a torn condom.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants to turn a soon-to-be-closed prison building in Virginia into the nation's first chicken empathy museum. I think it’s going to be called the Guggen-hen.
Friday, September 11, 2009
“You lie!” instead of “down!”
In support of South Carolina congressman Joe Wilson, Republican dog owners across the nation are training their pooches to respond to the command “You lie!” instead of “down!”
Fran Drescher, the former star of “The Nanny,” is in talks with both Fox and MSNBC about hosting a talk show. Executives at Fox hope she chooses their network because it has a lot of other hosts who could use a nanny.
Gender tests on South African runner Caster Semenya have determined she has internal male sexual organs, making her what some call a “hermaphrodite.” As a result, she’s getting job offers to become a U.S. congressional page from Republican politicians looking for a loophole.
Because a fungus is killing rubber trees in Southeast Asia and South Africa, scientists are testing the Russian dandelion, which was used during World War II to make natural latex. Dandelion latex can’t be used for condoms because it has a natural tendency to spread its seeds.
The courts are having a hard time rounding up jurors for the upcoming trial of alleged New York mobster John A. "Junior" Gotti. Many prospective jurors are calling in sick to avoid calling in dead.
Former "American Idol" judge Paula Abdul said on her Twitter page that she thinks Ellen DeGeneres will make a great judge on the show. I’ll believe it when Paula tells Ellen how to operate the secret compartment under the judges table where she keep her booze.
A Florida TV station reports that last July police stopped four men on a terror watch list who were spotted driving past the Daytona International Speedway and taking pictures. The cops got suspicious when the they noticed the men were not wearing baseball caps, did not have beer bellies and never once asked the ladies they were photographing to lift their tops.
A Catholic choirmaster in Italy who switched genders last year says it’s the reason she was fired from her job at a cathedral after 18 years of service. The pastor claims it was her new version of Amazing Grace called Amazing Greg.
Two North Carolina men were charged with stealing 16 snakes, 11 frogs and five lizards from a pet store. The men were caught selling the stolen reptiles after discovering none of them taste like chicken.
Because of a trademark violation, a New York state man was banned by a federal judge from painting the Viagra slogan on his 25-foot replica of a missile. It was OK when the missile was on the ground but Pfizer objected when he erected it.
Scientists say fibers found in a cave in Russia’s Caucasus Mountains are over 30,000 years old, making them the earliest known fibers made by humans. The fibers appear to have been from clothing worn by a caveman because they contain the world’s oldest skid marks.
General Motors has a new program called “May The Best Car Win” which guarantees car buyers that if they don't like their new GM vehicle, they can return it within 60 days for a full refund. Since the government owns General Motors, does this mean we can get the same guarantee on senators and Congress members?
Fran Drescher, the former star of “The Nanny,” is in talks with both Fox and MSNBC about hosting a talk show. Executives at Fox hope she chooses their network because it has a lot of other hosts who could use a nanny.
Gender tests on South African runner Caster Semenya have determined she has internal male sexual organs, making her what some call a “hermaphrodite.” As a result, she’s getting job offers to become a U.S. congressional page from Republican politicians looking for a loophole.
Because a fungus is killing rubber trees in Southeast Asia and South Africa, scientists are testing the Russian dandelion, which was used during World War II to make natural latex. Dandelion latex can’t be used for condoms because it has a natural tendency to spread its seeds.
The courts are having a hard time rounding up jurors for the upcoming trial of alleged New York mobster John A. "Junior" Gotti. Many prospective jurors are calling in sick to avoid calling in dead.
Former "American Idol" judge Paula Abdul said on her Twitter page that she thinks Ellen DeGeneres will make a great judge on the show. I’ll believe it when Paula tells Ellen how to operate the secret compartment under the judges table where she keep her booze.
A Florida TV station reports that last July police stopped four men on a terror watch list who were spotted driving past the Daytona International Speedway and taking pictures. The cops got suspicious when the they noticed the men were not wearing baseball caps, did not have beer bellies and never once asked the ladies they were photographing to lift their tops.
A Catholic choirmaster in Italy who switched genders last year says it’s the reason she was fired from her job at a cathedral after 18 years of service. The pastor claims it was her new version of Amazing Grace called Amazing Greg.
Two North Carolina men were charged with stealing 16 snakes, 11 frogs and five lizards from a pet store. The men were caught selling the stolen reptiles after discovering none of them taste like chicken.
Because of a trademark violation, a New York state man was banned by a federal judge from painting the Viagra slogan on his 25-foot replica of a missile. It was OK when the missile was on the ground but Pfizer objected when he erected it.
Scientists say fibers found in a cave in Russia’s Caucasus Mountains are over 30,000 years old, making them the earliest known fibers made by humans. The fibers appear to have been from clothing worn by a caveman because they contain the world’s oldest skid marks.
General Motors has a new program called “May The Best Car Win” which guarantees car buyers that if they don't like their new GM vehicle, they can return it within 60 days for a full refund. Since the government owns General Motors, does this mean we can get the same guarantee on senators and Congress members?
Thursday, September 10, 2009
A female comedian wearing a Groucho mustache
South Carolina congressman Joe Wilson continues to apologize to those who were offended when he called President Obama a liar during his speech to Congress on health care reform. Today he apologized to members of the Liars Club, people who play liars poker and anyone whose pants have ever caught on fire.
Joe Wilson has become the new poster child for everything that’s wrong with the Republican Party. His office has been swamped with thousands of phone calls, half of them from Sarah Palin thanking him.
According to the latest polls, South Carolina congressman Joe Wilson is now less popular than used car salesmen, Michael Vick and the guy who decided to continue running Billy Mays’ commercials.
President Obama has accepted the apology of Congressman Joe Wilson. He even invited Wilson over to the White House to have a beer with Pinocchio.
John Stossel is leaving ABC News and “20/20” for Fox, where he'll host a weekly show on Fox Business and host a series of specials for Fox News. Following a trend started by “American Idol,” ABC plans to replace Stossel with a female comedian wearing a Groucho mustache.
“American Idol” is replacing Paula Abdul with talk show host and comedian Ellen DeGeneres as the show’s fourth judge. Ellen got the job after promising to not break down and cry every time Randy called someone a “dawg.”
“American Idol” is replacing Paula Abdul with talk show host and comedian Ellen DeGeneres as the show’s fourth judge. Ellen says she’ll represent the voice of the shows fans, which means she’ll spend most of her time getting between the camera and Kara DioGuardi.
The preacher who hijacked a jet in Mexico City claims he did it because God told him he had to warn Mexicans of an earthquake coming on 09/09/09. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’s in trouble with God because he pointed to the sky as he was being arrested and yelled, “You lie!”
Oprah Winfrey says she wants to interview Jaycee Dugard, the woman who escaped after being kidnapped 18 years ago. If she does, audience members that day will each be given an 18-year-old car.
Police in Turkey stormed an Istanbul villa and rescued to nine captive women who thought they were being filmed in their bathing suits for a television reality show. The women got suspicious when they noticed the host filling their hot tub by drooling in it.
Paul McCartney says he hasn't played "The Beatles: Rock Band," the new video game featuring Beatles music. Ringo says he wants to play it but can’t figure out where to put his quarter in.
In a trademark dispute, McDonald's has forced a restaurant in Toronto to change its name from McFalafel. The owner plans to change the name to “Did You know His Real Name Is Ronald Osama McDonald?”
The National Football League has decided to allow fans whose local teams' games are blacked out because they haven’t sold out to watch a delayed broadcast online. This is great news for Detroit Lions fans who can fast-forward through the boring parts and just watch the cheerleaders.
Joe Wilson has become the new poster child for everything that’s wrong with the Republican Party. His office has been swamped with thousands of phone calls, half of them from Sarah Palin thanking him.
According to the latest polls, South Carolina congressman Joe Wilson is now less popular than used car salesmen, Michael Vick and the guy who decided to continue running Billy Mays’ commercials.
President Obama has accepted the apology of Congressman Joe Wilson. He even invited Wilson over to the White House to have a beer with Pinocchio.
John Stossel is leaving ABC News and “20/20” for Fox, where he'll host a weekly show on Fox Business and host a series of specials for Fox News. Following a trend started by “American Idol,” ABC plans to replace Stossel with a female comedian wearing a Groucho mustache.
“American Idol” is replacing Paula Abdul with talk show host and comedian Ellen DeGeneres as the show’s fourth judge. Ellen got the job after promising to not break down and cry every time Randy called someone a “dawg.”
“American Idol” is replacing Paula Abdul with talk show host and comedian Ellen DeGeneres as the show’s fourth judge. Ellen says she’ll represent the voice of the shows fans, which means she’ll spend most of her time getting between the camera and Kara DioGuardi.
The preacher who hijacked a jet in Mexico City claims he did it because God told him he had to warn Mexicans of an earthquake coming on 09/09/09. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’s in trouble with God because he pointed to the sky as he was being arrested and yelled, “You lie!”
Oprah Winfrey says she wants to interview Jaycee Dugard, the woman who escaped after being kidnapped 18 years ago. If she does, audience members that day will each be given an 18-year-old car.
Police in Turkey stormed an Istanbul villa and rescued to nine captive women who thought they were being filmed in their bathing suits for a television reality show. The women got suspicious when they noticed the host filling their hot tub by drooling in it.
Paul McCartney says he hasn't played "The Beatles: Rock Band," the new video game featuring Beatles music. Ringo says he wants to play it but can’t figure out where to put his quarter in.
In a trademark dispute, McDonald's has forced a restaurant in Toronto to change its name from McFalafel. The owner plans to change the name to “Did You know His Real Name Is Ronald Osama McDonald?”
The National Football League has decided to allow fans whose local teams' games are blacked out because they haven’t sold out to watch a delayed broadcast online. This is great news for Detroit Lions fans who can fast-forward through the boring parts and just watch the cheerleaders.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Removing the ‘e’ in Middlesex
Humorist Garrison Keillor is recovering from a minor stroke but still plans to start his new season of "A Prairie Home Companion" in just over two weeks. Keillor got treated at the Mayo Clinic where all the orderlies are strong, all the nurses are good looking and all the doctors are above average.
Former Congressman Mark Foley, who resigned after sending sexy Internet messages to underage male interns, is set to host a radio talk show in Florida called “Inside the Mind of Mark Foley.” If you’re not in Florida, you can get an idea of what’s inside the mind of Mark Foley by listening to Howard Stern on “Male Strippers Day.”
Author Naomi Wolf is working on a new book tentatively titled A Cultural History of the Vagina. This is the first time that the words “culture” and “vagina” are on a product that has nothing to do with yeast infections.
E-mail spam filters have forced County Middlesex in Canada's province of Ontario to change its domain name by removing the ‘e’ in Middlesex. This is bad news for hundreds of porn sites that have been getting accidental visits from people looking for Middlesex by featuring videos of three-ways with a partner in the middle.
Australian firefighters rescued two girls lost in a storm drain who used their phones to post their predicament on their Facebook pages instead of calling the police. They’re OK and now have over 300 friend request from Dungeons and Dragons players.
A member of Sweden’s parliament is recommending bowing instead of shaking hands or hugging to stop the spread of swine flu. His fellow politicians think it’s a good idea unless they get a chance to meet Michelle Obama or Carla Bruni.
A judge in Ohio is ordering defendants to wear neon green T-shirts that say “I'm a thief” while they perform court-ordered community service. You know, we’d probably have less problems on Wall Street if CEOs accepting bailout money had to wear similar neon green pinstripe suits.
A single UPS delivery truck got the most parking violations in Denver last year with parking 196 tickets having fines of nearly $5,700. In Denver, the answer to the question “What can Brown do for you?” is “Carry a roll of quarters.”
A man and his son won their respective age divisions in the cricket-spitting contest at the Central Wisconsin State Fair. Their wife and mom said this is going to really screw up the seating at Thanksgiving dinner this year.
Former Congressman Mark Foley, who resigned after sending sexy Internet messages to underage male interns, is set to host a radio talk show in Florida called “Inside the Mind of Mark Foley.” If you’re not in Florida, you can get an idea of what’s inside the mind of Mark Foley by listening to Howard Stern on “Male Strippers Day.”
Author Naomi Wolf is working on a new book tentatively titled A Cultural History of the Vagina. This is the first time that the words “culture” and “vagina” are on a product that has nothing to do with yeast infections.
E-mail spam filters have forced County Middlesex in Canada's province of Ontario to change its domain name by removing the ‘e’ in Middlesex. This is bad news for hundreds of porn sites that have been getting accidental visits from people looking for Middlesex by featuring videos of three-ways with a partner in the middle.
Australian firefighters rescued two girls lost in a storm drain who used their phones to post their predicament on their Facebook pages instead of calling the police. They’re OK and now have over 300 friend request from Dungeons and Dragons players.
A member of Sweden’s parliament is recommending bowing instead of shaking hands or hugging to stop the spread of swine flu. His fellow politicians think it’s a good idea unless they get a chance to meet Michelle Obama or Carla Bruni.
A judge in Ohio is ordering defendants to wear neon green T-shirts that say “I'm a thief” while they perform court-ordered community service. You know, we’d probably have less problems on Wall Street if CEOs accepting bailout money had to wear similar neon green pinstripe suits.
A single UPS delivery truck got the most parking violations in Denver last year with parking 196 tickets having fines of nearly $5,700. In Denver, the answer to the question “What can Brown do for you?” is “Carry a roll of quarters.”
A man and his son won their respective age divisions in the cricket-spitting contest at the Central Wisconsin State Fair. Their wife and mom said this is going to really screw up the seating at Thanksgiving dinner this year.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Weekend At Bee Gees
University of Georgia scientists have discovered that one component of deep space clouds is naphthalene, the chief ingredient in mothballs. Creationists say this proves the universe is only 6,000 years old but the mothball smell makes it seem older.
In his speech to schoolchildren, President Obama said that every one of them has something that they’re good at. School principals say this comment may be responsible for a sudden increase in bullies stealing lunch money.
In his speech to schoolchildren, President Obama warned them to be careful what they post on Facebook because it will be pulled up later in their lives. Many parents wish he would have avoided talking about pulling things up on Facebook and just told the kids to pull up their pants.
Novelist James Patterson signed a deal with his publisher to write 17 books in three years. His picture will either end up in the Guinness Book of World Records or in the dictionary next to the phrase, “carpal tunnel syndrome.”
Rescue workers in Virginia needed a helicopter to rescue a woman who fell down a rock face after accepting her boyfriend's marriage proposal. In hindsight, the man said he shouldn’t have serenaded her with Paul Simon’s “Slip Slidin’ Away.”
According to a new poll, Americans remain just as divided over healthcare now as they were a month ago. The only difference is that now both sides agree it should cover town hall gunshot wounds.
Church authorities in Naples, Italy, have banned the kissing of a vessel said to contain the dried blood of St. Gennaro because of fears of swine flu. No word yet on whether British officials will use the same reason to close the gravesite of Sir Francis Bacon.
Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor was sworn in one more time on Tuesday by Chief Justice John Roberts. She’s had her hand on the bible more times than John Ensign trying to find a loophole.
Clark Gable III, the grandson of the late Hollywood screen star, is recovering after being stabbed in the rib cage during a fight at a party in California. Nurses at the hospital are tired of asking him if he needs a bedpan and hearing, “Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.”
Robin and Barry Gibb, the surviving members of the Bee Gees, announced plans to reunite on stage for a series of live concerts. They considered performing with a cutout of their late brother Maurice but didn’t want the concert to turn into a “Weekend At Bee Gees.”
A new study found that more than 65 percent of U.S. children ages 7-11 watch NFL games on TV featuring ads involving alcohol, erectile-dysfunction, sex and violence. Parents say they don’t mind as long as none of the ads feature President Obama telling kids to study instead of watching football.
In his speech to schoolchildren, President Obama said that every one of them has something that they’re good at. School principals say this comment may be responsible for a sudden increase in bullies stealing lunch money.
In his speech to schoolchildren, President Obama warned them to be careful what they post on Facebook because it will be pulled up later in their lives. Many parents wish he would have avoided talking about pulling things up on Facebook and just told the kids to pull up their pants.
Novelist James Patterson signed a deal with his publisher to write 17 books in three years. His picture will either end up in the Guinness Book of World Records or in the dictionary next to the phrase, “carpal tunnel syndrome.”
Rescue workers in Virginia needed a helicopter to rescue a woman who fell down a rock face after accepting her boyfriend's marriage proposal. In hindsight, the man said he shouldn’t have serenaded her with Paul Simon’s “Slip Slidin’ Away.”
According to a new poll, Americans remain just as divided over healthcare now as they were a month ago. The only difference is that now both sides agree it should cover town hall gunshot wounds.
Church authorities in Naples, Italy, have banned the kissing of a vessel said to contain the dried blood of St. Gennaro because of fears of swine flu. No word yet on whether British officials will use the same reason to close the gravesite of Sir Francis Bacon.
Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor was sworn in one more time on Tuesday by Chief Justice John Roberts. She’s had her hand on the bible more times than John Ensign trying to find a loophole.
Clark Gable III, the grandson of the late Hollywood screen star, is recovering after being stabbed in the rib cage during a fight at a party in California. Nurses at the hospital are tired of asking him if he needs a bedpan and hearing, “Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.”
Robin and Barry Gibb, the surviving members of the Bee Gees, announced plans to reunite on stage for a series of live concerts. They considered performing with a cutout of their late brother Maurice but didn’t want the concert to turn into a “Weekend At Bee Gees.”
A new study found that more than 65 percent of U.S. children ages 7-11 watch NFL games on TV featuring ads involving alcohol, erectile-dysfunction, sex and violence. Parents say they don’t mind as long as none of the ads feature President Obama telling kids to study instead of watching football.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Number two was any building with a malfunctioning elevator
After a veterinarian for the San Diego Zoo determined that the panda cub born last month is a boy, the zoo announced it zoo will observe Chinese tradition and not name the new cub until he's at least 100 days old. They’re hoping that this will be enough time for “Barack” to become popular again.
A man in Georges Township, Pa., fired a cannon in his yard and the cannonball went through the side of his neighbor's home and landed in a closet. The man was charged with reckless endangerment and offered a job by accompany that makes puffed rice.
A pharmacist in California fooled a robber who demanded OxyContin pills by giving him Tylenol instead. The robber was caught when he stopped at a pay phone to call Rush Limbaugh and complain.
A travel Web site named Scotland's Ben Nevis as the “World's Top Climbable Mountain for Non-Climbers.” If you’re a non-climber but you can’t afford a trip to Scotland, number two was any building with a malfunctioning elevator.
Two Chicago officials are upset about the city's decision to close down Michigan Avenue for more than two weekdays so Oprah Winfrey can throw a block party. In response, Oprah wrote a check and is now closing every Chicago street BUT Michigan Avenue for a block party.
An employee of the Tampa Bay Rays was arrested for allegedly planting a fake bomb at Tropicana Field as a practical joke. The man is now in talks with the Detroit Lions about becoming manager of the visiting teams’ dressing room.
In Kansas, two men attempting to steal rocks were thwarted when the load shifted and their truck sank into the Arkansas River. Police are asking residents to be on the lookout for two men attempting to steal scissors or paper.
Workers at an AdultMart store in Lorain, Ohio, say a thief crashed his car into the shop, took a $150 sex toy and drove away. They believe it’s the same man who stopped by earlier and was turned down for a date by an inflatable doll.
A giant green cabbage at the Alaska State Fair set a Guinness World Record at 125.9 pounds. The cabbage was purchased by Alaska resident Sarah Palin, who plans to take it up in a helicopter and drop it on Levi Johnston.
South Korean researchers studying sexual attraction issued a report saying that alcohol consumption impairs vision and makes faces appear less clear. To avoid this, they recommend eating a lot of carrots before you get drunk so your eyes develop prescription beer goggles.
A man in Georges Township, Pa., fired a cannon in his yard and the cannonball went through the side of his neighbor's home and landed in a closet. The man was charged with reckless endangerment and offered a job by accompany that makes puffed rice.
A pharmacist in California fooled a robber who demanded OxyContin pills by giving him Tylenol instead. The robber was caught when he stopped at a pay phone to call Rush Limbaugh and complain.
A travel Web site named Scotland's Ben Nevis as the “World's Top Climbable Mountain for Non-Climbers.” If you’re a non-climber but you can’t afford a trip to Scotland, number two was any building with a malfunctioning elevator.
Two Chicago officials are upset about the city's decision to close down Michigan Avenue for more than two weekdays so Oprah Winfrey can throw a block party. In response, Oprah wrote a check and is now closing every Chicago street BUT Michigan Avenue for a block party.
An employee of the Tampa Bay Rays was arrested for allegedly planting a fake bomb at Tropicana Field as a practical joke. The man is now in talks with the Detroit Lions about becoming manager of the visiting teams’ dressing room.
In Kansas, two men attempting to steal rocks were thwarted when the load shifted and their truck sank into the Arkansas River. Police are asking residents to be on the lookout for two men attempting to steal scissors or paper.
Workers at an AdultMart store in Lorain, Ohio, say a thief crashed his car into the shop, took a $150 sex toy and drove away. They believe it’s the same man who stopped by earlier and was turned down for a date by an inflatable doll.
A giant green cabbage at the Alaska State Fair set a Guinness World Record at 125.9 pounds. The cabbage was purchased by Alaska resident Sarah Palin, who plans to take it up in a helicopter and drop it on Levi Johnston.
South Korean researchers studying sexual attraction issued a report saying that alcohol consumption impairs vision and makes faces appear less clear. To avoid this, they recommend eating a lot of carrots before you get drunk so your eyes develop prescription beer goggles.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Cash in on residents changing their locks
Insiders say Charlie Gibson is upset over the choice of Diane Sawyer as his replacement on ABC's “World News.” He should be grateful. Until she got the job on the Today Show, Jenna Bush Hager was in the running.
The mayor of Mount Vernon, Washington - Glenn Beck's home town - says he wants to give the talk show host the key to the city. Locksmiths from across the country are rushing to Mount Vernon to cash in on residents changing their locks.
One of the private security guards at the U.S. Embassy in Kabul, Afghanistan, says guards were pressured to participate in naked pool parties and perform sex acts to gain promotions or assignment to preferable shifts. So it looks like there’s a few jobs left that former Republican senator Larry Craig is qualified for.
Former Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling says he has “some interest” in running for the Massachusetts senate seat held for 47 years by Democratic Sen. Edward M. Kennedy. Besides putting a dent in the Senate’s Democratic majority, Republicans want Schilling’s arm for throwing spitballs at Harry Reid.
Don Imus has signed a contract to simulcast his radio program on the Fox Business Network. Imus is getting in shape for being a Fox broadcaster by remembering what it was like before he sobered up.
Identical twin brothers accused of committing two murders three years ago during a robbery in Florida could become the first U.S. twins sentenced to death. About the only thing the brothers are grateful for these days is that they’re not Siamese twins.
Users of some public toilets in Sweden must send a text message and receive a code for payment before they can use the facility. Keying in the number is frustrating for a lot of people because it’s tough to remember 7s, 8s and 9s when you’re thinking about numbers 1 and 2.
Amazon has already sold out of The Beatles stereo and mono digitally remastered box sets set to be released on 9-9-09. People who couldn’t afford $259 for the stereo set or $299 for the mono are hoping Amazon will let them trade in their old Beatles LPs in a Cash for Clunkers program.
The founder of Cirque du Soleil announced he'll host a two-hour show from the International Space Station next month after he arrives as a space tourist. This will break Rush Limbaugh’s old record for the “highest” radio broadcast.
In Stockholm, Sweden, a man claims he’s stimulating his breasts with a pump in an attempt to produce milk from his own body. If masturbation makes you go blind, this must make you go deaf because he can’t hear his buddies calling him an idiot.
In Coventry, England, a couple invited family and friends over to celebrate their refrigerator's 50th birthday. The fridge still works, but they avoid using the freezer because there’s a couple of mysterious packages that have been in there for 50 years.
The mayor of Mount Vernon, Washington - Glenn Beck's home town - says he wants to give the talk show host the key to the city. Locksmiths from across the country are rushing to Mount Vernon to cash in on residents changing their locks.
One of the private security guards at the U.S. Embassy in Kabul, Afghanistan, says guards were pressured to participate in naked pool parties and perform sex acts to gain promotions or assignment to preferable shifts. So it looks like there’s a few jobs left that former Republican senator Larry Craig is qualified for.
Former Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling says he has “some interest” in running for the Massachusetts senate seat held for 47 years by Democratic Sen. Edward M. Kennedy. Besides putting a dent in the Senate’s Democratic majority, Republicans want Schilling’s arm for throwing spitballs at Harry Reid.
Don Imus has signed a contract to simulcast his radio program on the Fox Business Network. Imus is getting in shape for being a Fox broadcaster by remembering what it was like before he sobered up.
Identical twin brothers accused of committing two murders three years ago during a robbery in Florida could become the first U.S. twins sentenced to death. About the only thing the brothers are grateful for these days is that they’re not Siamese twins.
Users of some public toilets in Sweden must send a text message and receive a code for payment before they can use the facility. Keying in the number is frustrating for a lot of people because it’s tough to remember 7s, 8s and 9s when you’re thinking about numbers 1 and 2.
Amazon has already sold out of The Beatles stereo and mono digitally remastered box sets set to be released on 9-9-09. People who couldn’t afford $259 for the stereo set or $299 for the mono are hoping Amazon will let them trade in their old Beatles LPs in a Cash for Clunkers program.
The founder of Cirque du Soleil announced he'll host a two-hour show from the International Space Station next month after he arrives as a space tourist. This will break Rush Limbaugh’s old record for the “highest” radio broadcast.
In Stockholm, Sweden, a man claims he’s stimulating his breasts with a pump in an attempt to produce milk from his own body. If masturbation makes you go blind, this must make you go deaf because he can’t hear his buddies calling him an idiot.
In Coventry, England, a couple invited family and friends over to celebrate their refrigerator's 50th birthday. The fridge still works, but they avoid using the freezer because there’s a couple of mysterious packages that have been in there for 50 years.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
She tied him to the tracks in front of the streetcar
The wife of Japan’s newly-elected prime minister says in a book that her soul once left her body, rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus. I’m never going to complain about Michelle Obama’s outfits again.
Police in Louisiana arrested a woman accused of stealing a 12-pack of beer by hiding it between her legs. The woman was bailed out by hundreds of guys wanting to marry her.
A spokesperson for the Rolling Stones denies a report out of Australia that 68-year-old drummer Charlie Watts had quit the band. The other Stones can’t afford to let him quit … he’s the only one who can still open their child-proof prescription bottles.
Cate Blanchett was injured when her co-star in the Sydney stage production of “A Streetcar Named Desire” accidentally hit her with a radio during a fight scene. Cate’s OK, but her co-star dropped out after she tied him to the tracks in front of the streetcar.
A 99-year-old New Jersey woman still puts in 40 hours as a secretary in her son's insurance agency. Typical mom …the son wants to retire but she keeps the company going so he won’t move back home.
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's grandchild, says in an interview that Sarah wanted to adopt the baby that people wouldn't know her 17-year-old daughter was pregnant. If that didn’t work, she was going to blame the pregnancy on Russians who snuck into Alaska while she wasn’t watching them.
Houston Astros player Aaron Boone is back on the team after undergoing open heart surgery in late March. He’s such an inspiration, Dick Cheney wants a tryout with the Washington Nationals.
Sean Lennon and his model/girlfriend Kemp Muhl recreated the famous Rolling Stone cover of Lennon's parents, Yoko Ono and John Lennon, only with Muhl being naked and Sean wearing clothes. Sean originally wanted to be the naked one, but then he remembered how loud his mom can scream.
Police in Louisiana arrested a woman accused of stealing a 12-pack of beer by hiding it between her legs. The woman was bailed out by hundreds of guys wanting to marry her.
A spokesperson for the Rolling Stones denies a report out of Australia that 68-year-old drummer Charlie Watts had quit the band. The other Stones can’t afford to let him quit … he’s the only one who can still open their child-proof prescription bottles.
Cate Blanchett was injured when her co-star in the Sydney stage production of “A Streetcar Named Desire” accidentally hit her with a radio during a fight scene. Cate’s OK, but her co-star dropped out after she tied him to the tracks in front of the streetcar.
A 99-year-old New Jersey woman still puts in 40 hours as a secretary in her son's insurance agency. Typical mom …the son wants to retire but she keeps the company going so he won’t move back home.
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's grandchild, says in an interview that Sarah wanted to adopt the baby that people wouldn't know her 17-year-old daughter was pregnant. If that didn’t work, she was going to blame the pregnancy on Russians who snuck into Alaska while she wasn’t watching them.
Houston Astros player Aaron Boone is back on the team after undergoing open heart surgery in late March. He’s such an inspiration, Dick Cheney wants a tryout with the Washington Nationals.
Sean Lennon and his model/girlfriend Kemp Muhl recreated the famous Rolling Stone cover of Lennon's parents, Yoko Ono and John Lennon, only with Muhl being naked and Sean wearing clothes. Sean originally wanted to be the naked one, but then he remembered how loud his mom can scream.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The Idita-Bod
ESPN reporter Erin Andrews told Oprah Winfrey that having a nude video of her shot through a peephole distributed on the Internet was a “nightmare.” You’re telling me. I had to get a bigger monitor and a faster connection before I could see anything.
NBC announced that its new marketing slogan is “More colorful.” In response, CBS and ABC are fighting over the rights to the slogan, “More viewers.”
Macaulay Culkin's publicist denies a British tabloid report claiming that the “Home Alone” star is the biological father of the late Michael Jackson's youngest son, Prince Michael II. Blanket doesn’t look like Macaulay but he’s been known to booby-trap the house when Tito and Jermaine come to visit.
Officials at the Oregon Coast Aquarium are selling artwork painted by a pair of sea lions. Their interpretations of famous paintings include The Last Snapper, American Guppy and the Moray Lisa.
An appeals court ruled that Paris Hilton can continue pursuing a lawsuit against Hallmark Cards over the use of her picture and catch phrase “That's hot” on a greeting card. Paris is also coming out with her own line of birthday cards showing her patented technique for extinguishing birthday cake candles.
According to a new survey, people in the United States, the United Kingdom and Canada have the least respect for the professions of politician and car salesman. The main difference is that in the United Sates, that’s now a single job.
In his new memoir, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich claims his political downfall was caused by alleged betrayals and family feuds. If his family feud were a Shakespearean play, he has the hair to play both Romeo and Juliet.
Former New York Mayor and Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani will appear on “The View” in September. Rudy is actually a big fan of “The View.” Many of his favorite dresses are patterned after Whoopi Goldberg’s.
A traffic-reporting plane with engine trouble had to make an emergency landing on a highway southwest of Boston. Out of spite, drivers stuck in the traffic jam made the reporter stand on his pilot’s shoulders and direct traffic.
It looks like Adam “`Pacman” Jones will play for the Winnepeg Blue Bombers of the Canadian Football League. In honor of his move to the CFL, he’s thinking about changing his nickname to The Idita-Bod.
Chanel, a wire-haired dachshund that held the record as the world's oldest dog, died on Long Island at the age of 21. This dog was so old, she could still remember the old days when dog food actually contained meat.
After a Wall Street Journal column suggesting Dick Cheney should run for president in 2012, some people are actually getting excited about the idea. The list includes Republicans, defense contractors and Barack Obama.
NBC announced that its new marketing slogan is “More colorful.” In response, CBS and ABC are fighting over the rights to the slogan, “More viewers.”
Macaulay Culkin's publicist denies a British tabloid report claiming that the “Home Alone” star is the biological father of the late Michael Jackson's youngest son, Prince Michael II. Blanket doesn’t look like Macaulay but he’s been known to booby-trap the house when Tito and Jermaine come to visit.
Officials at the Oregon Coast Aquarium are selling artwork painted by a pair of sea lions. Their interpretations of famous paintings include The Last Snapper, American Guppy and the Moray Lisa.
An appeals court ruled that Paris Hilton can continue pursuing a lawsuit against Hallmark Cards over the use of her picture and catch phrase “That's hot” on a greeting card. Paris is also coming out with her own line of birthday cards showing her patented technique for extinguishing birthday cake candles.
According to a new survey, people in the United States, the United Kingdom and Canada have the least respect for the professions of politician and car salesman. The main difference is that in the United Sates, that’s now a single job.
In his new memoir, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich claims his political downfall was caused by alleged betrayals and family feuds. If his family feud were a Shakespearean play, he has the hair to play both Romeo and Juliet.
Former New York Mayor and Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani will appear on “The View” in September. Rudy is actually a big fan of “The View.” Many of his favorite dresses are patterned after Whoopi Goldberg’s.
A traffic-reporting plane with engine trouble had to make an emergency landing on a highway southwest of Boston. Out of spite, drivers stuck in the traffic jam made the reporter stand on his pilot’s shoulders and direct traffic.
It looks like Adam “`Pacman” Jones will play for the Winnepeg Blue Bombers of the Canadian Football League. In honor of his move to the CFL, he’s thinking about changing his nickname to The Idita-Bod.
Chanel, a wire-haired dachshund that held the record as the world's oldest dog, died on Long Island at the age of 21. This dog was so old, she could still remember the old days when dog food actually contained meat.
After a Wall Street Journal column suggesting Dick Cheney should run for president in 2012, some people are actually getting excited about the idea. The list includes Republicans, defense contractors and Barack Obama.
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