Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Post-newspaper stress disorder

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford now admits he had a lot more encounters with his Argentine mistress than he previously admitted to. He also admitted calling TMZ.com to see if there were any celebrity deaths coming up that he could time his announcements with.

The latest rumor is that Michael Jackson is not the biological father of any of his children and that Debbie Rowe is not the biological mother of the first two, having been just a well-paid surrogate. What’s worse, the rumor was started by the kids.

A Republican Oklahoma state representative has introduced an “Oklahoma Citizen's Proclamation for Morality” that blames the current economic crisis on “debauchery.” It probably won’t pass since most Oklahomans think “debauchery” is de vegetable that de first President Bush hated to eat.

According to a new study, up to 12 percent of all journalists who have covered armed conflicts have PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder. It sounds bad until you compare it to the fact that 90 percent of all journalists are suffering from PNSD, or post-newspaper stress disorder.

Toyota is considering supplying a version of its Prius hybrid car to General Motors. This could be just the thing GM needs since it has years of experience selling cars that are past their prime.

Zsa Zsa Gabor is back home after spending six days in a hospital being treated for flu-like symptoms. The 92-year-old actress refused to leave until she was sure three celebrities had died.

Simon Cowell has reportedly been offered $144 million to stay with “American Idol” for another year. That includes health insurance to cover him in case he accidentally sips from Paula Abdul’s Coke cup.

A survey conducted in 20 nations found that U.S. President Barack Obama is the most trusted leader in the world. Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad finished a surprising second, although he dropped to last after the votes were actually counted.

Concert promoter AEG Live says ticket-holders for Michael Jackson's planned London concerts can get a full refund or a commemorative ticket. And if it turns out he’s not his children’s biological father, they may be offered the same deal.

Organizers of the Gathering of Elizabeths in Elizabeth, Ill., say 364 women named Elizabeth showed up for this year's event. As in previous years, the high point was burning in effigy the person who came up with the nickname “Betty.”

A 10-year-old girl set a world record by coaxing 567 worms out of the ground during Britain's World Worm Charming Championships. Not surprisingly, her goal in life is to become a doctor specializing in the treatment of erectile dysfunction.

Monday, June 29, 2009

The Guggenheinie

Convicted swindler Bernard Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison for fraud. He’s already knocked it down to 50 by trading some of the years to other lifers in return for some investment tips.

Before being sentenced, Bernie Madoff apologized to his family and to his victims. Unfortunately, the judge didn’t hear the who apology because it was drowned out by the sound of every lie detector in the courthouse going off simultaneously.

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" took in $112 million in its opening weekend and $201.2 million since opening last Wednesday. Backers of the film were invited to a special showing which included outtakes of the robots transforming into cash registers and ATMs.

An artist in Wales received a $33,000 grant to create plaster casts of women's buttocks which will be shown in an exhibition about cultural attitudes towards female tushes. The museum hosting the buttocks exhibition is appropriately called the Guggenheinie.

While taping in Raleigh, North Carolina, appraisers for "Antiques Roadshow" valued a collection of jade pieces brought in by a woman at $1.07 million, the highest appraisal since the show began. That made up for the hundreds of other Raleigh residents waiting in line holding ashtrays, pipes and worthless sculptures made from tobacco.

A boxer-mix given the name Pabst by his owner because he had a “bitter beer face” won the title of 2009 World's Ugliest Dog Champion. Pabst is so ugly, he’s hired out as a natural flea killer because his face makes ticks commit suicide.

President Barack Obama and his family have decided to worship on Sundays at the non-denominational church at Camp David in order to avoid publicity. This was also President George W. Bush’s church, mostly because the first-row pew gave him better naps than any of the White House chairs.

The Argentine woman identified as the mistress of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford says published e-mails between the two were hacked from her account. Sanford In spite of being an Argentine citizen, the suspected hacker is getting offers to join the Democratic National Committee.

Disney World’s Magic Kingdom is about to unveil an animatronic Barack Obama for the Hall of Presidents. It’s so realistic, the actual power source for the animatronic Obama’s voice will come from an animatronic teleprompter.

The Treasury Department is considering closing loopholes that allowed General Electric to participate in a government bailout program for banks. The company was able to qualify as a bank by showing that all of the toasters banks give out to new customers were made by GE.

For the first time in history, a woman has received an official gondolier license allowing her to navigate a gondola on the canals of Venice. City officials were impressed by all of the time she spent learning how to grow a handlebar mustache.

Pope Benedict announced that bone fragments from the first or second century have been found in a tomb in the Basilica of St Paul in Rome, which he says belonged to the apostle. Proof came from a IOU found with the bones from someone who had robbed St. Peter to pay St. Paul.

Hackers broke into Britney Spears’ Twitpic account and broadcast false information about her. Followers of Britney got suspicious when her tweets suddenly started making sense.

Friday, June 26, 2009


NASA says that the Mars rover Spirit has been stuck in a hole for some time but is still issuing reports. If this keeps up, hey may change its name to “Geraldo.”

A University of Chicago paleontologist claims to have discovered the first dinosaur species that ate mainly nuts. It washed them down with fermented grains, which explains the name “Barflyosaurus.”

Many web sites crashed and the Internet was extremely slow as news of Michael Jackson’s death spread. One positive note … many companies reported a surge in productivity as workers were unable to download porn.

During a routine traffic stop in Dallas, Texas, police inspecting a van found a casket filled with nearly 100 pounds of marijuana. Rumors immediately spread on the Internet that Willie Nelson had died.

The celebrity Web site TMZ.com is taking credit for being the first to break the news about Michael Jackson's death. In spite of this, TMZ’s stock price dropped 50 percent as investors realized it had just lost its primary source of news.

Lawmakers in the nation’s smallest state are trying to change its official name, “State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations,” because it conjures up images of slavery. Not to mention the fact that putting it on license plates cuts gas mileage by adding five pounds to the weight of the car.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford says he’ll reimburse the state for the trip he took to Argentina to see his mistress. He has no plans to reimburse his fellow Republicans for the cost of the brown paper bags they’ve had to wear on their heads since he got back.

Jeff Goldblum's publicist denied rumors that the had died during a fall on movie shoot in New Zealand. Goldblum sent his condolences to the owner of the dead emu he was mistaken for.

President Obama hosted a Hawaiian luau at the White House for members of Congress. Even though everyone was wearing a lei, it didn’t top Bill Clinton’s record for most lays on the White House lawn.

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police credit one of their dogs with locating an 84-year-old man who spent four days trapped in an old dry well in British Columbia. Luckily for the man, his name was Timmy and the dog’s was Lassie.

Singer and actress Jennifer Lopez is discontinuing production of Sweetface, the line of high-end urban streetwear she introduced in 2003. JLo refused the advice of fashion experts who urged her to change the name to Sweetbutt.

Police in Austin, Texas, arrested a 73-year-old golfer aiming a loaded gun at another player because he was playing too slow. The other player wasn’t too worried because he was wearing a lime shirt and the old man hadn’t hit a green all day.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Law and Order: Special Birthmark Unit

The Supreme Court voted 8-to-1 that a school's strip search of an Arizona teenage girl accused of having prescription-strength ibuprofen was illegal, with Justice Clarence Thomas being the only dissenter. Thomas was hoping to sway the ruling so he’d get a chance to strip-search Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor

Swine flu cases in England have forced some Roman Catholic churches to temporarily stop sharing Communion wine. Local priests are reluctant to ban the wine-sharing unless their altar boys suddenly start sneezing.

Comedienne and TV personality Rosie O'Donnell will host a new daily morning radio show on SIRIUS XM Radio. If you hear some static while listening to Rosie’s show, that’s just the sound of SIRIUS management scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Hard-line Somali Islamists publicly cut off the right hand and left foot of four men who admitted stealing phones and guns. The men could have lost an eye too, but luckily they didn’t steal iPhones.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinijad said in an interview that President Obama should keep his fingers out of Iran's affairs. In a related story, the president of Argentina said that President Obama should keep his governors out of Argentine affairs.

Actor Lou Diamond Phillips was declared the winner of “I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!” His prize is to be moved back up to the A-list so he doesn’t have to compete any more celebrity reality shows.

Clothing designer Calvin Klein has replaced a racy New York billboard that looked like an orgy with a slightly less sexual ad featuring a wet model in a string bikini. If that one gets complaints too, they plan to punish us with a new shoot featuring Kirstie Alley.

Times Square’s popular Naked Cowboy says he plans to perform in his hometown of Greenhills, Ohio, despite complaints by a local politician that his white briefs are “indecent.” What’s really indecent is that the only new job available in Ohio is for a guy playing guitar in his underwear.

Two identical twins are on trial in Wales accused of assaulting a man who says he can’t tell them apart and is unsure which brother attacked him first. The story will eventually be turned into a crime show called “Law and Order: Special Birthmark Unit.”

Cleveland and Phoenix have agreed to a deal that will send Shaquille O'Neal to the Cavaliers to play with LeBron James next season. Nike has already ordered a truckload of foam rubber and 100 yards of felt to start making a Shaq puppet.

Farmers legally growing opium poppies in Tasmania say wallabies are getting high on the poppies and hopping around in circles, creating crop circles. On the positive side, the sight of drug-crazed kangaroos has transformed many Tasmanian devils into angels.

Archeologists say a bird-bone flute unearthed in a German cave was carved some 35,000 years ago and is the oldest handcrafted musical instrument yet discovered. Some things never change. The instrument was found near drawings of cavemen throwing spears at the flute-player.

It looks like South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s affair has ended his chances of running for president as a Republican. His only chance is to prove he was introduced to his mistress by Sarah Palin.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is starting to sound a little desperate. Today Sanford apologized for the way he treated Aunt Esther.

Officials with the Brooklyn Museum say a CT scan performed on an Egyptian mummy thought to be Lady Hor revealed the remains have a penis and are probably not of a woman. This could explain why Ann Coulter has cancelled all book signings at the museum.

Monday, June 22, 2009

“Roads” scholarship

A three-legged bobcat injured in a trap was released back into the wild by wildlife authorities in Texas. Now they should help it survive by hitting the nearby roads and removing all of the “Deer Crossing” signs.

Ohio health officials say the state is experiencing a baby boom nine months after Hurricane Ike knocked out electricity to portions of the state. To prevent this from happening the next time the power goes out, they suggest that women stockpile batteries for their vibrators.

New York's Correction Department is denying a report that rapper Foxy Brown received special treatment at Rikers Island prison while serving a nine-month sentence. Apparently anyone incarcerated there can get their nails done by the inmates who paint the license plates.

An auctioneer in New Hampshire sold a famous 1951 photograph of Albert Einstein sticking out his tongue for $74,324. The photo was apparently taken when Einstein briefly played in a band called Theory of KISS-itivity.

President Obama says he welcomes the pharmaceutical industry's agreement to help close the so-called “donut hole” in Medicare's drug coverage. He plans to tour the country assuring the elderly that this does not affect their senior discount at donut shops.

President Obama signed the anti-smoking bill that will give the Food and Drug Administration unprecedented authority to regulate tobacco. His hand was shaking until Joe Biden gave him a fist bump while secretly passing Obama a nicotine patch.

The British government has issued new guidelines allowing teachers to ignore the age-old spelling rule of “i before e, except after c” because there are too many exceptions. This is good news for all of those poor spellers who still want to attend the University of Oxford on a “Roads” scholarship.

The Eastman Kodak Co. announced it will no longer make Kodachrome because demand for the film has all but disappeared. Paul Simon plans to sue because it kills his song “Kodachrome” and he can’t come up with anything that rhymes with “digital.”

A woman claims she was wrongly evicted from her apartment because she kept her Easter decorations on her door for two weeks after the holiday. The neighbors didn’t mind because the marshmallow Peeps were attracting mice and ants away from the candy canes they still had up from Christmas.

Apple co-founder and CEO Steve Jobs reportedly is recovering from a liver transplant he received two months ago. His old partner Steve Wozniak didn’t give him the liver but says that if Jobs has a hard time gaining weight, he’ll be happy to donate the results of his liposuction.

Lucas Glover beat the rain to win the U.S. Open by two strokes over Phil Mickelson, David Duval and Ricky Barnes. Defending champion Tiger Woods ended up in a tie for sixth but finished first in earnings after selling shots of water wrung from his clothes.

Friday, June 19, 2009

What the cluck?

Jilted on “The Bachelor” and defeated on “Dancing With The Stars,” Melissa Rycroft is now moving to “Good Morning America” as a contributor. Her first segment will be about whether this is a step up or down the ABC food chain.

The inventor of the “Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed” passed away at the age of 92. His last words were, “What do you mean I’m out of quarters?”

Britain's Prince William says he’d like to follow his brother Harry's footsteps into a combat zone. The closest the second-in-line to the throne will ever get to combat is if he accidentally walks in while the butler is spraying for ants.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is recovering after undergoing a two-hour surgery on her broken right elbow. She didn’t transfer acting secretary of state power for the two hours she was under a general anesthetic, but she gave Chelsea her GPS and told her to keep it locked on Bill.

Oprah Winfrey is treating her staff members and their families to a luxurious Mediterranean cruise. Oprah is paying for it but she plans to spend the whole time at the front of the boat yelling “I’m queen of the world!”

In Exeter, England, a pregnant woman claims she was ticketed for parking in a space designated for people with children because her baby was not yet born. People in the U.S. have been telling this story to Mike Huckabee just to watch his head spin.

A swingers’ club in Montreal caught on fire, sending nearly-naked patrons fleeing into the street. You could tell they were swingers because they all kept grabbing the firefighters’ hoses.

Professional skateboarder Tony Hawk skateboarded at White House as part of a Father's Day celebration. White House historians say no one has skateboarded there since President George W. Bush knocked over three people while trying to ride and chew gum.

A Minnesota woman was ordered to pay $1.92 million for downloading music, roughly $80,000 for each of the 24 songs she was accused of downloading. The Recording Industry Association of America doesn’t expect to collect any of the money, but they think she’ll suffer enough from the fact that she’ll never get those 24 songs out of her head.

A woman in Montana who uses chickens as therapy animals for people recovering from health disorders calls her program “Fowl Play.” People who get the chickens instead of dogs or monkeys call it “What the cluck?”

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Just The Way You Aren’t

Former President George W. Bush broke his promise to not criticize his successor by criticizing President Obama’s decision to close Gitmo. Bush apparently feels much safer about saying nasty things about Obama now that Jay Leno is gone for a while.

After watching President Obamam kill a fly with his hand, PETA sent the White House a device that allows users to trap a house fly and then release it outside. President Obama likes it so much, he asked for another one big enough for Republican senators.

Police in Puerto Rico arrested a man accused of stealing 88 panties from his neighbor’s clothesline over a period of several months. The woman kept replacing her sexy underwear, thinking it was being taken by birds building a love nest.

Paris Hilton claims she’s studied the culture of Dubai and won’t do anything to offend viewers on her Mideast edition of “Paris Hilton's My New BFF.” Wait until she finds out that her audience only likes seeing camel toes on real camels.

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton fractured her right elbow during a fall in Washington. This is good news for Bill since that’s her lamp-throwing arm.

It looks like Billy Joel is getting a divorce from his third wife, Katie Lee, who he recorded the song “All My Life” for as an anniversary gift. For their divorce, he’s recording a new song called “Just The Way You Aren’t.”

Tom Cruise and J.J. Abrams have agreed to co-produce “Mission: Impossible IV” for release in 2011. Tom agreed to do it after the only other role he was offered this year was to replace Sean Penn as Larry in the Three Stooges movie.

Jane Fonda is recovering from surgery to replace her left knee with a titanium rod and ceramic joint. Her brother Peter says he fondly remembers having many titanium rods and ceramic joints while shooting “Easy Rider.”

The father of American Idol runner-up David Archuleta was charged with soliciting a massage parlor prostitute in Midvale, Utah. What a shock. Who knew there were massage parlors in Utah?

The Lambert-St. Louis International has opened a pair of rest areas for traveling dogs equipped with park benches, trash cans and plastic bags for cleanup. They’re so much nicer than the human restrooms, a number of passengers are tying their belts around their necks and trying to sneak in.

Taking a page from Norman Bates in “Psycho,” a New York man put on a dress, wig and makeup to impersonate his dead mother and collect Social Security and rent subsidies. He was caught when he slapped a lovestruck government clerk who called him “Tootsie.”

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

"Take pepper spray and wear a chastity belt."

The Mexican Navy discovered a huge methamphetamine lab with enough ephedrine to produce more than 40 tons of the drug, or about 309 million individual doses. The Mexican Navy discovered the lab after noticing highly-agitated fish developing legs so they could walk to it.

The Mexican Navy announced it has seized more than a ton of cocaine hidden inside the carcasses of frozen sharks onboard a freighter. Crew members involved with the smuggling were identified by teeth marks on their nostrils.

A woman in Bristol, England, decided to call off her wedding after finding out her fiancĂ© was a porn star. If she’s disappointed now, wait until she finds out the rest of the single guys in Bristol can’t press the buttons in an elevator without using their hands.

In a CNBC interview, President Obama said that there’s one television network that’s “entirely devoted to attacking my administration.” He didn’t mention any names to avoid giving them free publicity, so now the people at the Fox News Channel are referring to him as “one president.”

China's Health Ministry issued medical guidelines on sex change surgery and one of the requirements is that candidates must get police approval before the procedure. When she heard the news Chastity Bono vowed to stop eating Chinese food, which put dozens of Chinese restaurants near her home out of business.

The FDA says consumers should stop using Zicam Cold Remedy nasal gel and related products because they can permanently damage the sense of smell. This could explain why the product was so popular in New Jersey.

Scientists studying dust storms on Mars say they have detected the first direct evidence of lightning on the planet. This is bad news for any astronauts hoping to play golf on the first trip to Mars.

At the 2010 World Cup qualifier soccer match between South Korea and Iran, the Iranian team members wore green wristbands as a sign of solidarity. What really motivated them was when their coach covered the ball with pictures of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Twitter has become the number one tool for young people in Iran to get information to the world about the demonstrations, violence and election fraud there. It has also become the number one way for young people in the U.S. to find out where Iran is.

Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor has agreed to appear on the “Late Show with David Letterman.” She got a call from Sarah Palin warning her to take pepper spray and wear a chastity belt.

Police in Oklahoma City arrested a woman at a Target store who had stuffed 33 Blu-ray discs into her pants. She got caught trying to convince a security guard that her square butt was caused by sitting in a really small lawn chair.

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton had dinner with eight of her living predecessors, including Henry Kissinger, George Shultz, James Baker and Colin Powell. They got together to discuss North Korea, but after a few drinks they were all doing Rush Limbaugh impressions.

Sean Penn has dropped out of the upcoming “Three Stooges” movie in which he was cast as Larry. Rumor has it he thought the curly-haired wig he had to wear made him look too much like Phil Spector.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Watch out for sharks and sea monsters

Sarah Palin says she accepted David Letterman's apology “on behalf of all young women, like my daughters, who hope men who `joke' about public displays of sexual exploitation of girls will soon evolve.” Then she got a call from Alex Rodriguez letting her know that he didn’t go for teenagers but he thought women who fought comedians were really hot.

Twitter delayed a scheduled downtime for maintenance in order for Iranians and others trying to get news out about the post-election protests to keep going. Twitter knew things were serious when not a single one of the millions of tweets coming out of Iran said, “I’m not doing anything. What are you doing?”

Weird Al Yankovic has released a new single called "Craigslist" in which he pays homage to the Doors and does a Jim Morrison impression. Weird Al Yankovic trying to do Jim Morrison makes him look like the Lounge Lizard King.

A pregnant woman graduating from Columbus State University in Ohio was bumped to the front of the line to receive her diploma so she could be rushed to the hospital after having labor pains. Fearing her water might break and remembering the advice from the movie “The Graduate,” she wore a plastic gown.

General Motors announced an agreement to sell the Swedish automaker Saab to Koenigsegg, a small company that makes high-performance sports cars. For the first time in recent months, nobody at Saab was sobbing.

Companies that sell seeds are reporting that business is up sharply this year in the U.S. as consumers try to save money by growing their own vegetables. Except in California, where the most popular seeds are any whose vines grow high enough to hide marijuana plants.

Duke University engineering researchers have created a technology that allows a person to write a note in the air with their cell phone and send the message to an e-mail address. It’s dangerous enough that people are talking and texting while driving. Now they’re be waving their phones in front of their faces trying to erase what they just wrote.

Researchers in the Netherlands have confirmed that a 60,000-year-old skull fragment found in the North Sea is from a young adult male Neanderthal. This proves that Neanderthals could swim but couldn’t read signs saying “Watch out for sharks and sea monsters.”

According to sleep researchers, sleep disturbances are more common in people who are unmarried, unemployed or have lower education or income. So if you can’t sleep, forget the Sominex … rob a bank and use the money to join a dating service.

Bob Bogle, lead guitarist and co-founder of the rock band The Ventures, passed away at the age of 75. His last words were that he was going to walk, not run, toward the bright light.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Recreating a Monty Python sketch

In preparation for him taking over for his father, the youngest son of North Korea's leader Kim Jong Il has been given the title of “Brilliant Comrade.” After giving her mom advice on how to deal with David Letterman, Sarah Palin bestowed the same title on her daughter, Willow.

Now that he’s done his time for his dogfighting convictions, Michael Vick has been released by the Atlanta Falcons. Vick is hoping to get picked up by any other NFL club, although he’s a little worried about the Cleveland Browns and their Dawg Pound.

In Leeds, England, a 7-foot-4-inch burglar was sentenced to 11 months in prison even though his lawyer said his tall stature would cause problems in prison. For example, dropping a bar of soap in the shower from that height could knock someone out.

A 10-year-old girl who played hooky from school to attend his town hall meeting in Green Bay, Wisconsin, got a written excuse for her teacher signed by President Obama. This is nothing new. He’s written hundreds of similar excuses for Bill Clinton to give to Hillary.

The conversion from analog to digital TV service left more than a million people staring at a blank screen. Many who had lost their remotes and had no other way to turn off Bill O’Reilly were grateful.

A Michigan man was charged with home invasion after a neighbor said she found him in her car wearing just a purple bra and boxer shorts. Police didn’t believe his alibi that he was merely recreating a Monty Python sketch.

President Obama says he’s ready to sign the landmark FDA tobacco regulation bill. Remember that little room next to the Oval Office where Bill Clinton used to meet Monica Lewinsky? It’s now filled with Obama’s stash of cigarettes.

Malawi‘s highest court has ruled that Madonna can adopt a 3-year-old girl named Chifundo “Mercy” James. The girl’s father apparently got his religious names mixed up because he kept saying, “Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy.”

Former President George W. Bush delivered a taped message to the troops serving in Iraq on one of the Baghdad broadcasts of “The Colbert Report.” He thanked them for being there and then he thanked his wife Laura for reminding him that they were still there.

A mixed black Lab named Jack who ran away from his owner in a Seattle park found and ate some marijuana and got high. The owner knew the dog was stoned because he forgot his name but came when he called him “Snoop.”

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Buena Vista Socialist Club

A woman in Austin, Texas, used a recyclable grocery bank to hold the money she robbed from a bank. Talk about environmentally-conscious. Not only did she haul away greenbacks in a green bag, she threatened the teller with a green-piece.

Kyra Sedgwick says she and her husband, Kevin Bacon, lost a lot of “hard-earned money” investing in the Ponzi scheme run by Bernard Madoff. They’re so broke, a lot of former friends are repositioning themselves to at least 8 or 9 degrees away from Kevin.

A rabbi in Israel has issued a ruling allowing ultra-orthodox Jews to operate their mobile phones on the Sabbath and religious holidays with their teeth. Apple plans to take advantage of this by offering a special device called the eyetooth-Phone.

A woman in Israel threw out a mattress not knowing it contained her mother’s life savings of $1 million. Being a typical Jewish mother, she plans to forgive her daughter as soon as she finds the money or marries a really rich doctor.

It looks like Rosie O’Donnell will return to Broadway in a revival of the musical “Babes in Arms.” It’s not the role most people think she’d be best in, but there’s already someone playing the lead in “Shrek.”

The latest rumor is that Britney Spears is dating her agent, Jason Trawick. They were spotted looking for a house within walking distance of an emergency mental health clinic.

Texas Governor Rick Perry broke his right collarbone in a mountain biking accident. Or as he would put it, a bone in his neck seceded from his collar.

A Washington state appeals judge tossed out a woman's claim that continuously honking her horn in front of her neighbor's house is protected free speech. It’s only protected free speech if she honks to the tune of the National Anthem.

Fiat has closed the deal to take over most of Chrysler's assets. Sticking to its Italian roots, the first new car produced by the Fiat/Chrysler partnership will be an inexpensive hybrid pizza delivery vehicle.

A federal judge has ordered former State Department employee Walter Kendall Myers and his wife, Gwendolyn, held without bond on charges of spying for Cuba. Prosecutors feared they would flee the country for Cuba and join up with their fellow spies in the Buena Vista Socialist Club.

Monday, June 8, 2009


President Obama says his $787 billion stimulus plan will deliver more than 600,000 jobs this summer. Over half of them involve washing cars at the new company he just bought.

Bret Michaels of the heavy metal band Poison was hurt when he ran into scenery while performing at the Tony Awards show. He suspects the scenery was moved by an annoyed Elton John whose idea of heavy metal is cast iron hoop earrings.

A former New York state prison inmate claims he was permanently injured when a prison nurse failed to treat a 55-hour erection caused by an anti-psychotic drug. He’s paying for the lawsuit with money collected from his fellow cellmates, who still call it the best weekend ever.

A $300,000 public pay toilet in Boston is finally open for business after being under construction for two years. $300,000? Forget port-a-potty … that’s a resort-a-potty.

North Korea has convicted two American journalists and sentenced them to 12 years of hard labor for allegedly crossing the border illegally. Luckily, 12 years of hard labor in North Korea is still easier than 12 years of living in North Korea.

For the first time in over 30 years, a theater showed a movie in Saudi Arabia, even though it was only open to men. It was a typical Saudi buddy picture about two guys who don’t get high, don’t chase women and always remember where they were last night.

In an interview, former first lady Laura Bush said she's pleased that President Barack Obama nominated a woman for the Supreme Court and thinks Sonia Sotomayor is a good choice. She says her husband won’t be second-guessing President Obama on this, which can mean only one thing … his Magic 8-Ball is broken.

Erica Kane, Susan Lucci's character on "All My Children" who has had 10 husbands, will now fall for a much younger man who is her daughter's ex-husband and ex-fiance's stepson. If that doesn’t scare Ashton Kutcher, nothing will.

Will Ferrell's new comedy, “Land of the Lost,” was a flop at the box office on its opening weekend. In a related story, residents of a rich community near Dallas reported hearing their new neighbor, George W. Bush, laughing uncontrollably.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin denies accusations that a recent speech was plagiarized from an article by Newt Gingrich. Just because she can see Newt Gingrich from her front porch, it doesn’t mean she copies from him.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

We’re older than we look

In a recent speech, Newt Gingrich said, “We are living in a period where we are surrounded by paganism.” Well, it’s his own fault for hanging around with Rush Limbaugh.

Summer Bird won the Belmont Stakes, with Kentucky Derby winner and favorite Mine that Bird finishing third. Disappointed bettors gave both of them the bird.

While in France, aides to President Obama say he’s decided he needs to take charge of the push for change in U.S. healthcare. That’s what happens when you travel around the world and find out your insurance doesn’t cover Montezuma’s revenge.

Wondergirls, the top female pop group in South Korea, announced a U.S. tour this summer with the Jonas Brothers. The Jonas Brothers are preparing for the tour by learning the Korean word for “We’re older than we look.”

"American Idol" judge Paula Abdul has been dropping hints that she’s "not sure" if she will be returning for a ninth season. Then again, she’s also not sure if she was actually there for the eighth season.

The Russian computer programmer who invented the video game “Tetris” is celebrating its 25th anniversary. Like fans of Tetris, he’s celebrating by staying home alone in a dark room in front of a video screen.

A woman who calls herself “Hooker For Jesus” got married in Las Vegas to a singer in a Christian heavy metal band. The marriage was performed by Reverend for Rastafarians and witnessed by Best Man For Buddha and Maid of Honor for Muslims.

Two astronauts on the International Space Station tested some new Russian-made suits during a five hour spacewalk. Everything worked great, especially the system that recycles sweat into a quick vodka cocktail.

While in Paris, President Barack Obama and first lady, Michelle, dined at a cozy neighborhood bistro just a few blocks from the Eiffel Tower. It was a busy night for the Secret Service as agents had to keep throwing themselves between the president and other diners who were smoking.

The Canadian billionaire owner of Cirque du Soleil become the world's seventh space tourist when he blasts off into space on a Russian Soyuz spacecraft in September. To keep from getting bored in space, he plans to hide one of those tiny Chinese gymnasts in his pocket.