Monday, April 26, 2010

The “Full Tiger”

CNN anchor John Roberts proposed to fellow anchor Kyra Phillips at a golf course by leaving an engagement ring in the cup on the 18th hole. Had he also left a condom and breath mints, this approach would then be called the “Full Tiger.”

In an interview in Elle, Michael Douglas reveals that he once had sex with “a couple friends of my mother’s when I was 16 and they were 30.” Apparently they saw other uses for his cleft chin long before movie directors did.

According to a new report, Craigslist gets over a third of its estimate $100 million in revenues from sex ads. The rest comes from ads placed by guys looking for dates where they’ll eventually have sex after spending a lot more money.

A study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that that people lie 50 percent more via e-mail than they do with handwritten letters. What a shock. Who knew there were still people writing letters by hand?

Melania Trump is launching line of affordable jewelry on QVC where every piece costs less than $200. Apparently she cleaned out her husband Donald’s collection of unused toothpicks.

British astrophysicist Stephen Hawking says aliens exist and are probably too dangerous for us to interact with. In a related story, Stephen Hawking has been invited to Arizona by the governor to receive the key to the state.

George W. Bush finally revealed the meaning behind the title of his upcoming memoir, “Decision Points.” It was his job to sharpen the pencils while Dick Cheney made the decisions.

The first pill designed to end premature ejaculation goes on sale in England for almost $40 a pill. Just the thought of spending that kind of money one pill should do the trick for most guys.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Dr. Death Warmed Over

Air travel is back to normal in Europe now that the volcano in Iceland has stopped spewing ash. However, to be on the safe side, passengers should avoid boarding any plane that has “Wash me” written in the dust on its tail.

Staff at Disneyland Paris refused to allow an 8-year-old girl wearing a fancy gown to enter the park because they were afraid people might confuse her with a cartoon character. Kind of like how people confuse the guy wearing a feather boa but no pants because they think he’s Donald Duck.

A new report says that the number of people killed in U.S. motorcycle crashes dropped 10 percent in 2009 after 11 years of steady increases. Economic conditions have forced baby boomers to cut back on buying expensive Hogs in favor of cheap ham.

The Centers for Disease Control found that hundreds of people at U.S. airports show symptoms of potentially contagious conditions but few are reported to health officials. A sure sign that the person sitting next to you on a plane is sick is if they ask the flight attendant for a second meal.

A British woman claims a recent migraine attack has left her speaking in a permanent “Chinese accent.” It causes a real problem when she hails a cab and the driver doesn’t know how to get to Rondon.

According to a new study, mercury levels are higher in some species of tuna than others. The only way to tell how much mercury is in tuna is to put the can in your mouth and see if the mermaid’s tail goes up.

NCAA has decided to expand the March Madness men's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams beginning next year. This will give spots to Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters and her stepmom.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian, aka Dr. Death, says he thinks Al Pacino does a great job playing him in the new movie, “You Don’t Know Jack.” Pacino is flattered but has already turned down the role in a sequel about Kevorkian retiring to Florida tentatively called “Dr. Death Warmed Over.”

Two cows got loose on the Ohio State University campus and many students skipped classes to watch the police chase that lasted more than 90 minutes. Football coach Jim Tressel was disappointed to find out his big new offensive lineman with the unusual stance was one of them.

In a speech at DePaul University, RNC Chairman Michael Steele told students that African-Americans “don't have a reason” to vote for Republican candidates. That’s not true. Black college students love the party now that Republican politicians are starting to act like they’re in a Tracey Morgan movie.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A 20 percent tax on urnings

Four fishermen were rescued by the Coast Guard three hours after their boat sank off the coast of Alaska. All the fishermen could talk about when they got to shore was the much bigger Coast Guard boat that got away.

An Oregon man suffering from terminal colon cancer is selling ad space on the urns designated to hold his ashes to pay for his cremation. He needs $800 but he has to raise more because the IRS puts a 20 percent tax on urnings.

A song by the Rolling Stones that has never been heard in public will be featured on an episode “Cold Case.” The episode is about solving a 40-year-old cold case involving Keith Richards trying to remember why they never released it.

Scottish singer Susan Boyle says she’s working on her autobiography called “The Woman I Was Born to Be.” She got the rights to that autobiography title after Chastity Bono became CHaz.

Only three men responded to a Florida hotel’s ad for a “tanning butler” to rub lotion on sunbathing guests. Two of them were qualified but the hotel can’t wait until the men finish their terms in the U.S. Senate.

The California Highway Patrol had to evacuate one of its offices due to a suspected bomb in a man's anal cavity that turned out to be a vibrator. A few hours later, the writers of “24” were begging Fox to give them one more season.

NASA has selected 76 community college students to take part in a workshop to develop robotic planetary rovers. These are expected to be the first rovers with a large back seat, huge bass speakers and a cigarette lighter.

European airlines claim they lost at least $1.7 billion in revenue during the volcanic ash crisis. Fortunately, European duty-free shops made that much on American tourists stuck in the airports for a week.

General Motors has repaid the $8.1 billion in loans it got from the U.S. and Canadian governments. The Republican Party says it will still call this a “bailout,” which should be a warning to anyone who gets in a leaky boat with a Republican politician.

Scientists say tremors at the Eyjafjallajokull volcano could trigger an even worse eruption at the nearby Katla volcano. Well, worse for the airlines but not for newscasters tired of trying to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull.

President Obama says he will not insist that his Supreme Court nominee pass any “litmus tests” in supporting a woman's right to have an abortion. However, he will require that the candidate have a chemistry background to explain to the American people what a “litmus test” actually is.

A group of retired military officers says that many American children are so overweight from being fed french fries, pizza and other unhealthy foods at school lunchrooms that they cannot handle the physical rigors of being in the military. For the first time in history, millions of American schoolchildren thanked a cafeteria lady for lunch.

Lorena Ochoa, the No. 1 player in women's golf the last three years, has retired at the age of 28. She says she wants to spend more time with her family, who are the only people who know that she was the No. 1 player in women's golf the last three years.

The Supreme Court struck down a federal law that made it a crime to create or sell dogfight videos and other depictions of animal cruelty. However, it made sure it’s still a crime for animal lovers to create or sell judge-fight videos and other depictions of judicial cruelty.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

German Invades Paris Hilton

European researchers have discovered that one hour of moderate to vigorous exercise a day can help teens beat the effects of a common obesity-related gene. In a move to quickly corner a new teen exercise market, Apple is planning a 20-pound solid iron cell phone called the iPump.

Senior cardinals in Rome say the accusations that Pope Benedict XVI helped cover up the actions of pedophile priests are part of an anti-Catholic “hate” campaign related to the fact that Benedict opposes same-sex marriage. Not to mention safe-sex marriage, insane-sex marriage and swing-sex marriage.

Principal photography has begun in New York on “The Smurfs,” a new live-action and animated family comedy. If you can’t wait to see what they’ll look like, cut your 3-D glasses in half width-wise and watch “Avatar.”

An 81-year-old woman is suing her ex-husband in Los Angeles for the $50-per-month child support she says he was supposed to start paying in 1950. That amounts to $57,000, but the woman says she’ll take less if the 60-year-old kid will move out and go live with his father already.

A British UFO hunter claims he’s witnessed extraterrestrials mutilating sheep on English farms. He’s planning to turn the story into a sci-fi movie called “Close Encounters of the Herd Kind.”

A Florida seafood chef decided not to cut up and serve an octopus that had nine legs. It appears the octopus was killed by a female who couldn’t figure out how to control that last arm.

A British bunny weighing 49 pounds and measuring 4 feet 3 inches long has been named the world’s biggest by the Guinness World Records people. Kids, if some of the chocolate mysteriously disappeared from your Easter basket, it may not have been your parents.

“Bosom Buddies” stars Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari are reuniting at an awards show with fellow cast members Donna Dixon, Thelma Hopkins and Holland Taylor. The show was about two guys who dressed in drag so they get cheap rent by living in a females-only apartment. Today it would be called “A Very Special Sex Offenders Edition of America’s Most Wanted.”

The latest rumor is that Jesse James starred in more than a dozen homemade sex tapes, many featuring Nazi paraphernalia. He claims they were just World War II documentaries, like “German Invades Paris Hilton.”

NBC is renewing “The Marriage Ref” for another season. This will fill the hole in marital problem programming now that Tiger Woods is back to playing golf.

Craig Robinson, Michelle Obama's brother, has written a book called “A Game of Character” where he reveals that their dad thought Michelle would eat Barack alive. So now we know the real reason why the president always has that big grin on his face.

Police arrested two women at Liverpool's John Lennon airport after they reportedly tried to smuggle a corpse onto a flight. Because the airplane seats are so small, they were hoping to put it in the middle seat and then move it to the overhead compartment once the flight started.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Add in hush money, alimony and jewelry

In his press conference at the Masters, Tiger Woods apologized to his fellow golfers for the distraction he caused them while he was off. A lot of them were unable to concentrate because of all of the reporters asking “Who are you?”

At his press conference, Tiger Woods said he “missed the competition.” Nothing sharpens your skill like competing with 60 other golfers for the hot blonde in the 18th hole gallery.

About 90 former FBI and Secret Service agents will form a crew of up to 90 bodyguards at the Masters and some of them will be armed. This is to throw off any of Tiger’s former mistresses who will be trying to identify him by the pistol in his pocket.

Republican Party chairman Michael Steele says he won’t step down because of the controversy caused by his staffers meeting at a sex-themed Hollywood nightclub. Sticks and stones may break his bones, but whips and chains and handcuffs can never hurt him.

Republicans upset with the Republican National Committee have formed a rival organization called American Crossroads. Their mascot is an elephant standing on Michael Steele.

A study in the journal Economics Letters fund that blonde-haired women earn seven per cent more than women with hair of other colors. That number goes to seventy percent when you add in hush money, alimony and jewelry.

With the launch of the space shuttle Discovery, four women are in space at the same time for the first time in history. NASA scientists say there’s no danger they’ll all get on the same cycle and knock the moon out of orbit.

Apple’s iBooks censors blocked out the word “sperm” in a description for Herman Melville's “Moby Dick” but not “Dick.” That’s because it needs “Dick” for descriptions of people who give the iPad a negative review.

Bob Dylan canceled his tour of Asia after the Chinese government blocked his concerts in Shanghai and Beijing. China cancelled the concerts after dozens of government censors resigned out of frustration while trying to translate Dylan’s lyrics.

Singer Erykah Badu says “Window Seat,” the video in which she appears naked where President John F. Kennedy was shot in Dallas, is being “grossly misunderstood.” If they didn’t want her to show her butt where the assassination occurred, they should have changed the spelling of “assassination.”