Thursday, May 20, 2010

If you spilled it, he will come

The owner of the Shades of Love lingerie store in San Antonio, Texas, was told she needs a $300 food permit because she sells edible underwear, body butter and flavored gels. What’s worse, the bus from the local retirement village that comes once-a-month must now be called a Meals on Wheels.

Kentucky’s Tea Party Senate candidate Rand Paul says he thinks private businesses should be allowed to discriminate on the basis of race. This explains the big donation Rand got from the nation’s largest manufacturer of white sheets.

NBA Hall of Famer Calvin Murphy said in a radio interview that the rumors are true that LeBron James’ mom had sex with her son's teammate Delonte West. Murphy has fathered 14 daughters with nine different women. In case LeBron’s mom was listening to his show, Murphy also mentioned that he still plays in a senior league.

Actress Valerie Bertinelli announced in AARP magazine that she’s engaged to businessman Tom Vitale, her boyfriend of six years. Ex-husband Eddie Van Halen announced in Rolling Stone that he was never married to anyone that old.

Arizona is threatening to cut off electricity to Los Angeles if the city doesn't reverse its decision to boycott the state over its immigration law. In response, Los Angeles threatened to cut off Arizona’s cable companies from receiving reruns of The Lawrence Welk Show.

The Connecticut state Department of Environmental Protection says a small monkey spotted in the town of Greenwich has not been seen in nearly two weeks. The monkey was last seen eating from a dumpster and is either gone, dead or trying to get its own show on the Food Network.

Scientists funded by actor Kevin Costner are offering to help in the cleanup of the BP oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. Costner is trying to get James Earl Jones to sneak into the bedrooms of BP executives while they’re sleeping and say, “If you spilled it, he will come.”

Two sea lions and a dolphin participating in a California disaster exercise located a dummy underwater mine and apprehended a diver posing as a terrorist. Unfortunately, they also rounded up thousands of innocent sunbathers with bottles of suntan lotion bigger than 4 ounces.

According to a new study, Viagra can cause long-term hearing loss. Now there’s two ways guys a can lose their hearing by going from soft to hard rock.

McDonald's is testing a new breakfast menu at 600 restaurants in the Northeast that will feature oatmeal. For its regular customers, McDonald’s will offer the Egg McMuffin in an oatmeal bag.

Two women in Louisiana were arrested for allegedly attempting to smuggle crystal meth inside a Bible to a man in jail. Jail officials got suspicious when the women kept telling the man to make sure he read the story about how Goliath got stoned.

Monday, May 17, 2010

One giant four-letter-word-other-than-leap for mankind

Laura Bush said in an interview that she’s “really glad” that Elena Kagan has been nominated for the Supreme Court. Dick Cheney is trying to lure her to his place to see if the chip he had implanted in her brain has shorted out.

A 16-year-old Australian girl finished a seven-month voyage to become the youngest person to sail around the world solo. The hardest part of the trip was knowing she’d have over a million Facebook friend requests waiting for her when she got back.

A group of unhappy Facebook users are promoting a “Quit Facebook Day” on May 31 to protest the latest changes to the Facebook privacy policy. It has less than a thousand users committed so far, but over a million have joined the group “Let’s see if we can get a million people to do nothing about Facebook’s privacy policy.”

Iran has worked out an agreement to ship most of its low-enriched uranium to Turkey in return for fuel rods for a medical research reactor. Former President George W. Bush called President Obama and told him it was OK to use his “they hate our freedoms” excuse to attack Iran anyway.

BP says the mile-long tube it connected to its leaking well in the Gulf of Mexico is siphoning about a fifth of the oil that is spewing out. There hasn’t been this much excitement in Washington about a fifth since Ted Kennedy died.

Some scientists are estimating that the oil leak in the Gulf has sent a miles-long underwater plume of oil heading straight for the Florida Keys. Out of habit, Republican scientists in Florida are demanding a recount.

NBC announced it has cancelled “Heroes.” Fans who want to watch another show about seemingly normal people with secret super powers should tune in to “Wall Street Week.”

A New York animal shelter is seeking donations of Viagra to treat a pit bull with a heart condition who needs two pills a day. In a related story, owners of female dogs in New York are seeking donations of fences.

A partial power outage at the International Space Station briefly interrupted a spacewalk. The astronauts who were floating outside when it happened called it one small blackout for man, one giant four-letter-word-other-than-leap for mankind.

Animal welfare groups in England are outraged by a school fundraising contest that involves placing ferrets down the trousers of competitors. The teacher in charge of the contest says the ferrets would probably go to sleep, so they must be using married female ferrets.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Law & Order: What A Concept

After 85 years, Tribune Media Services announced it will cease syndication of the comic strip “Annie” which began in 1924 as “Little Orphan Annie.” The strip was done in by Republican Party scandals which have given a bad name to young orphan girls being adopted by rich bald capitalists.

NBC has cancelled the original “Law & Order” after a 20-year run. It will be replaced by new series set in Arizona called “Law & Order: What A Concept.”

A bill to increase BP’s and other companies’ liability for oil spills from $75 million to $10 billion was defeated by Republican Senator Lisa Murkowski of Alaska. After the vote, Murkowski flew back to Alaska where BP is finishing a new pipeline that leads directly to her bank account.

BP CEO Tony Hayward said in an interview that the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is “relatively tiny” compared to the “very big ocean.” Let’s hope he feels the same way about the jail sentence he gets which will be relatively tiny compared to the history of the universe.

Sarah Palin spoke at the National Rifle Association's annual meeting in North Carolina. Her topic was “Convincing commie liberals that it’s in their heritage to play Russian roulette.”

The owners of the Iowa site where the "Field of Dreams" movie was filmed have put the land up for sale. Tourists still see the ghost of Shoeless Joe Jackson, but now he’s got a ghost agent who demands 10% of the ticket sales.

Matt Lauer is denying reports that he cheated on his wife and moved out of the family home. The rumors started during the last episode of “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?” when his wife destroyed the only map of where he was hiding.

While President Obama was visiting Buffalo, a woman came up to him and said, “You're a hottie with a smokin' little body.” The president smiled and replied, “Thank you, but you already got the nomination, Elena.”

To help find a solution to the Gulf oil leak, Energy Secretary Steven Chu has brought in a team of scientists including a hydrogen bomb designer and a Mars mining expert. If they can’t fix it, Chu is down to Wiley Coyote and the Dutch kid who stuck his finger in the dike.

LeBron James isn’t saying whether he’ll stay with the Cleveland Cavaliers now that they’ve been eliminated from the playoffs again. However, it’s not a good sign that he got a new tattoo that reads “This space available.”

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Our Lady of Good Stuff

A former janitor at a convent in Italy is accused of organizing visits by South American drug smugglers disguised as pilgrims. The nuns got suspicious when the pilgrims kept asking to see the statue of Our Lady of Good Stuff.

An Australian physicist convinced the publishers of the Oxford English Dictionary to fix a 99-year-old definition error of the word “siphon” he discovered during research. They also agreed to pay his doctor bill after he got gasoline up his nose using the incorrect definition.

Elena Kagan, President Obama's Supreme Court nominee, is making the rounds visiting senators who will vote on her nomination. So far, the only paper trail Republican senators could find on her was one involving an embarrassing incident after leaving the ladies room.

Michigan police are looking for a stolen delivery truck containing over $250,000 worth of adult merchandise, including lingerie and sex toys. They warned local residents that if they see a suspicious truck rocking, don’t go knocking.

A Nebraska teenager was arrested for allegedly using an apple and a hollowed-out cucumber to smoke marijuana. His fellow students were sorry he got caught but happy that the cafeteria must now go back to serving burger, fries and pizza.

A Japanese company has developed a bra whose cups can be used as pots to grow rice from attached seedlings. Sounds like the perfect gift for your girlfriend Patty.

According to a new study, people who were physically touched by a woman took bigger risks than those who weren't. This is especially true if the touching involved a lap dance.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford spent last weekend in Florida with his Argentine lover, hoping to rekindle the affair that wrecked his marriage and his political future. He wouldn’t say how it worked out but the hotel gift reported that he bought out its entire supply of trail mix.

It's now law in Hawaii that the state government can ignore repetitive requests for President Barack Obama's birth certificate. Birthers must now get their copies the old-fashioned way – by using correction fluid on a bad Xerox copy.

Tiger Woods says an inflamed neck joint is giving him pain and making it hard to turn his head and that the only therapy is massages. Fortunately, he knows hundreds of women who give massages.

Abu Dhabi's top hotel has installed a new ATM that dispenses gold bars instead of cash. Some things never change. People withdrawing gold bars who are not bank customers still complain about the $2 fee.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Veal Or No Veal

Sarah Palin says the lesson we should learn from the Gulf oil spill is that we shouldn’t trust foreigners. Apparently the leaks will magically stop if we just change the name to the Gulf of America.

Poison lead singer Bret Michaels says the brain hemorrhage he suffered last month felt like he’d been shot in the back of the head. He plans to use this experience to make the switch from glam metal to rap.

Japanese game-maker Nintendo suffered its first drop in annual profit in six years. Things are so bad, the most popular Wii game last quarter was an Xbox simulator.

CBS has ordered a pilot for a daytime cooking game show starring chef Emeril Lagasse. Suggested titles are Cheese Wheel Of Fortune, Veal Or No Veal and The Rice Is Right.

“American Idol” has dropped to its lowest viewer total since the show began in 2002. The show’s producers knew things were bad when half of the week’s call-in votes came from dead people in Chicago.

George Alan Rekers, a prominent anti-gay activist, was caught returning from a 10-day trip to Europe with a male escort he found on Rekers claimed he hired the young man just to carry his bag, but had no answer when it was pointed out that the only bag he had was a fanny-pack.

A 66-year-old golfer in New Zealand fell 100 feet off a cliff while searching for his golf ball. In a related story, Elin Nordegren sent in an application for Tiger Woods to play in the Auckland Open.

DirecTV and the Yes Network are planning to televise a game between the New York Yankees and the Seattle Mariners in 3D. Fans watching on 3-D TVs will duck when Alex Rodriguez turns towards the camera, and duck again when he picks up his bat.

A busy road in Sacramento, California, was shut down for hours after a tanker truck overturned and spilled its load of coconut oil. Cleanup crews were aided by local college students who put on bathing suits and rolled in it.

According to a new survey, Norway is the world’s best country for moms because women there are paid well, have easy access to contraception and have generous maternity leaves. The United States came in a 28th, partly because surrogate mothers got counted three times and threw off the curve.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Giant wooden yachts

A Facebook version of “The Price is Right” is scheduled to debut in June. It will carry a warning that Drew Carey yelling “Come on down!” does not mean you should push your head into the computer screen.

A new wave of volcanic ash from Iceland is causing flight delays and cancellations in Ireland and Scotland. Irish travelers are so upset, they’ve offered to appease the volcano by sacrificing with a virgin leprechaun.

Former "American Idol" contestant Ayla Brown, the daughter of Massachusetts Republican Sen. Scott Brown, is the newest contributor on the CBS “Early Show.” She’ll produce pieces focused on the show’s youth audience, so if she screws up CBS will only lose one viewer.

Authorities are still trying to figure out how Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad managed to board a flight while being on the government’s no-fly list. Maybe he was given preferential treatment because he was the only person on the flight without a huge carry-on bag.

A group of French lawmakers wants to repeal an old law passed in 1799 banning women from wearing trousers while outdoors in Paris. The only exception will be women waiting in line at outdoor drugstores to buy razors and shaving cream.

Three bank workers in Greece were killed during riots caused by that country’s banking crisis. As a precautionary measure, bankers on Wall Street are being advised to refuse gifts of giant wooden yachts.

Lindsay Lohan has been picked to play the lead in an independent movie about 1970s porn actress Linda Lovelace, the star of “Deep Throat.” To prepare for the role, Lindsay’s acting coach has her on a strict diet of nothing but pickles, bananas and Popsicles.

General Motors is recalling all Hummer H3s produced since the 2006 model year to fix a portion of the hood that can detach during driving. The detached hoods have been whacking Hummer owners in the forehead like a fist, causing them to scream, “What the hell was I thinking?”

The Coast Guard reports that BP has managed to cap one of three leaks at its deepwater oil well, but it’s not expected to reduce the overall flow of oil into the Gulf of Mexico. According to George W. Bush’s new memoir, a similar thing happened to him in elementary school when a teacher made him wear a thinking cap.

Now they’re planning to try and control the Gulf oil spill with a controlled burning. Because controlled burning works so well to reduce the danger of tobacco.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Stand By Your Ma’am

George W. Bush’s FEMA head Michael Brown accused President Obama of “playing politics” with the Gulf Coast oil spill to turn public opinion against offshore drilling. Heck-of-a-job Brownie also offered his services to President Obama to help figure out a way to blame the oil spill on poor people.

Texas Governor Rick Perry says the oil rig explosion that caused the massive Gulf oil spill may have been “just an act of God” that could not have been prevented. He’s checking with Pat Robertson to see if God might be punishing the Gulf for luring so many kids to get drunk and have sex on Spring Break.

Stephen Hawking says that all you need to build a time machine is “a wormhole, the Large Hadron Collider or a rocket that goes really, really fast.” Hawking bases this on Einstein’s Theory of Relativity and Marty McFly’s theory of flux capacitors.

Naval Academy graduate John McCain is blocking a popular bill that would change the name of the Department of the Navy to the Department of the Navy and Marine Corps. McCain has nothing against the Marines … he just can’t remember long department names anymore.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says the Gulf oil spill has forced him to withdraw his support of a plan to expand oil drilling off the California coast. This is the same guy who caused a similar oil spill every time he showered off after a big bodybuilding competition.

Researchers have found the first scientific evidence that human growth hormone really does improve athletic performance. These researchers are now moving on to their next project: proving that three-of-a-kind really does beat two pair.

The World Health Organization launched a new website about anti-venoms in an attempt to reduce the estimated 100,000 deaths caused annually by snake poison. If you ask me, they could do the same thing with a YouTube video of a man screaming in fifty languages “DON’T TOUCH THE SNAKE!”

Country music singer-songwriter Chely Wright has officially confirmed that she is gay. She plans to sing about it in a new song, “Stand By Your Ma’am.”

A couple in Scarborough, England, spent $22,800 to convert a public bathroom building into a cozy home with a North Sea view. I guess that would make it a dungalow.

Many congressional Republicans say terrorism suspects who are U.S. citizens, like the suspected New York City bomber Faisal Shahzad, should not be read their Miranda rights. Republicans would rather throw rotten fruit at suspected terrorists, exercising their Carmen Miranda rights.