Thursday, April 30, 2009

Leftover Katrina trailers nailed to the wall.

Vice President Joe Biden got in trouble for saying he’s advising his own family to stay off commercial airlines and because of the swine flu. Biden himself isn’t worried about ingesting a flu virus because it would be blocked by the foot that always in his mouth.

In her new memoir, "Resilience," Elizabeth Edwards says her husband John shouldn’t have run for president. After cheating on her, he should have run for cover.

According to a new book, Alex Rodriguez may have been using steroids when he was in high school. The first hint was his picture in the yearbook under the caption “Voted Senior Class Pincushion.”

Kelly McGillis, who played Tom Cruise's girlfriend in “Top Gun,” confirmed in an interview the rumor that she's gay. Tom suspected something was up when he kept finding her in his dressing room trying on his combat boots.

Boeing got a one-year contract from the Pentagon worth $250 million for an unmanned aircraft system. It will be the first unmanned plane with an overhead compartment for empty suitcases.

Police in California say a 17-year-old girl used her marching band baton to fight off two would-be muggers. Local emergency rooms are on the alert for anyone coming in with glitter wounds.

A judge in Nebraska refused to let a prison inmate change his name to “Sinner.” Apparently it was just a ploy to get more action on Conjugal Visit Day.

John McCain will host AMC cable network's Memorial Day weekend marathon of movies celebrating war heroes. McCain hasn’t been to the movies in a while. He offered to bring along a CD player to provide music during the chase scenes.

The New Orleans Saints have reached an agreement that will keep the NFL team in Louisiana through 2025 after Governor Bobby Jindal promised $85 million from the state to update the Superdome. Jindal is hoping no one notices that the luxury skyboxes are just leftover Katrina trailers nailed to the wall.

A longtime employee of a New York jeweler has admitted stealing 513 pounds of gold over five years by taking one small piece at a time in her purse. The owner got suspicious when the woman brought a new purse the size of a gold grandfather clock.

A court in Sweden ruled against allowing a local church to be named Madonna of Orgasm Church. And no matter what the name is, the minister is not allowed to replace the collection plate with a garter for dollar bills.

The "Today" show decided to postpone its upcoming vacation series because of the swine flu outbreak. Because there’s so little time to produce a new segment, “Today Takes A Vacation” will be replaced by “Al Roker Takes A Shower.”

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Impossible to snort while holding your nose

President Obama and Vice President Biden welcomed former Republican Senator Arlen Specter to the Democratic Party at a White House press conference. As Biden revealed on “60 Minutes,” the president checked with him before showing Specter the secret handshake.

According to a new poll, only 21 percent of Americans call themselves Republicans. That number dropped even lower when a pollster checked a photograph more closely and realized that Rush Limbaugh is not four people.

A new report by the American Lung Association found that 60 percent of Americans live in areas with unhealthy air pollution levels. What’s even worse, the other 40 percent have allergies and can’t tell what the air smells like anyway.

Scientists in South Korean claim to have genetically engineered four cloned beagles that glow red under ultraviolet light. Not surprisingly, their research was funded by South Korean mailmen who work nights.

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police waited three weeks for an arrested drug carrier to finally deposit all 76 packets of cocaine he swallowed into a bedpan. The two pounds of cocaine had a street value of $100,000, although it would be impossible to snort while holding your nose.

Tennessee's Legislature approved a bill naming a section of road “The Jerry Lee Lewis Highway.” It’s a stretch that’s full of potholes so cars on the Jerry Lee Lewis Highway will have a whole lot of shakin’ goin’ on.

A researcher at Purdue University claims he’s developed a test that suggests fish can feel pain and they react to it much as do humans. He discovered this when his pet goldfish went belly-up watching a Red Lobster commercial.

A federal judge awarded a former Army Special Forces commander nearly $500,000 because she was rejected from a job at the Library of Congress while undergoing surgery to change from a man to a woman. The judge didn’t buy the library’s excuse that a former man would say “Shhhh!” too loudly.

A couple in Michigan credit a pet psychic with helping them find their pet Chihuahua after she was picked up and carried away by a 70-mph gust of wind. The psychic got the dog to come out of hiding by using telepathy to sing “Ding-Dong, The Witch Is Dead.”

A Radio Shack employee in Wisconsin is facing disorderly conduct and battery charges for punching a customer. Never go to Radio Shack and ask the clerk for either a radio or a shack.

Police in Wyoming arrested a 28-year-old woman for stealing a barrel of cinnamon bear candies from a local restaurant. The restaurant manager got suspicious when the blond-haired woman kept complaining that some of the bears were too hot and some were too cold but she couldn’t find one that was just right.

Actor Shia LaBeouf is in talks to co-star with Michael Douglas in Oliver Stone's sequel to his 1987 movie, “Wall Street.” Ironically, Michael Douglas needs the work because he lost a fortune in the recession.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

$500 for a catcher’s mask stuffed with cotton

Here’s the latest on the swine flu front. Pope Benedict is asking other religious leaders to join him in allowing their church members to ask for blessings from more than one God if someone sneezes.

Because of the potential swine flu pandemic, there’s an acute shortage of surgical masks. It’s so bad, a seller on eBay got $500 for a catcher’s mask stuffed with cotton.

The swine flu is causing problems on Wall Street. Today the Federal government received a request for bailout money from the Piggly Wiggly grocery store chain.

The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 along ideological lines that federal law allows the banning of the F-word and the S-word in live broadcasts. Words beginning with the other 24 letters are safe, although the judges are keeping a close eye on Q when preceded by the number 4.

England's Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, met with Pope Benedict XVI at the Vatican. The pope cleared his schedule for the entire day, but at the last minute Charles changed his mind about going to confession.

A Pittsburgh elementary school suspended five fourth-graders on weapons charges for making slingshots out of pencils, rubber bands and paper clips. The kids’ legal fees will be paid by the junior branch of the NRA, the National Rubber-Band-on-the-Finger-Gun Association.

A man in Italy received an eight-month suspended jail sentence for rolling a half million colored balls down Rome's famed Spanish Steps in a political protest. Now he’s being sued for psychological damages by a group of jugglers who happened to be walking by.

A Los Angeles court granted Lakers star Derek Fisher's request for a temporary restraining order against a woman Fisher says has stalked him for years. He’s tried to avoid her, but she figured out how to get around his pick-and-roll with Kobe Bryant.

A Chicago man’s attempt to open a hotdog stand manned by former convicts is being blocked by a Chicago alderman who objects to its name: Felony Franks. Also, the Republican Party claims it registered that name in case Barney Frank ever gets arrested.

Pennsylvania Republican Senator Arlen Specter announced he’s switching parties and becoming a Democrat. Republicans are so upset, they’re spreading a false rumor that he’s only doing it to get a presidential pardon for his brother, Phil Spector.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Holding out for an offer from "Wife Swap"

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton secretly visited Lebanon after secretly visiting Iraq. She wouldn’t say how she learned her stealth techniques, but she checked into a Beirut hotel as “Mrs. Smith.”

President Obama’s doctors say he has no sign of swine flu after his recent visit to Mexico. But just to be on the safe side, Sahsha and Malia told him to stay away from their piggy banks.

The Department of Health and Human Services is tracking a swine flu outbreak that started in Mexico and has spread to the U.S. It’s not too hard to track. They just use Google satellite pictures to find drug stores with people carrying out cases of Nyquil.

White House reporters are tracking the progress of baby robins nesting in a bush outside the White House briefing room. The robins seem oblivious to all of the reporters, but they go crazy when Helen Thomas stops by to spit worms in their mouths.

A woman who claims she was sexually harassed and then fired from the TV show “Lost” is suing ABC and actor Henry Ian Cusick, who plays Desmond Hume. She’s asking for $5 million in damages and for Cusick’s character to be fondled without a stunt double by the island’s polar bear.

A Michigan high school student got perfect scores on the SAT, the PSAT and the ACT college entrance tests. Ironically, she still gets less scholarship offers than football players who get perfect scores on one drug test.

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich's wife, Patti, has been approached to appear on “I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!,” the show her husband wanted to be on before a judge stopped him. Patti is holding off until she hears back from “Wife Swap.”

“Britain's Got Talent!” and YouTube star Susan Boyle has been photographed with a new hairdo, plucked eyebrows and more stylish clothes. There goes her chance to move on to the next round by doing her impression of Yoda singing opera.

There’s a lot of pressure on Matthew Stafford, the quarterback drafted number one by the Detroit Lions. His new contract pays bonuses for making the payoffs, winning the Super Bowl and making Detroiters forget GM and Chrysler.

A British man has released an 1884 photograph of his great-grandfather, a 19th century inventor, sitting on Britain's first electric car. The photograph of the car is so clear, he’s already received an offer to buy it from General Motors.

General Motors has decided to kill off the 83-year-old Pontiac brand. Car buyers looking for Pontiac’s famous “wide-track” ride will have to settle for duct-taping two Smart cars together.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

A house made out of Kevlar

A new study found that chewing gum can have a positive effect on teenagers' academic performance. Especially when used to stick a crib sheet underneath the desk.

In Minnesota, an appendicitis patient was called back to the hospital after a surgeon removed a "piece of fat" instead of the appendix. Not only was the doctor relieved of his duties, his family refuses to let him carve the Thanksgiving turkey anymore.

The owners of Pet Airways, a pets-only airline that is expected to begin operations July 14, say flights are already filling up with reservations. Flights are $149, but kangaroos pay extra because they can’t stow their pouches in the overhead compartment.

A couple in England spent three hours in makeup before their wedding so they could walk down the aisle as characters from “Shrek.” Like any other married couple, after the wedding they immediately turned into Homer and Marge Simpson.

An informant who helped Canadian police arrest 156 Hells Angels motorcycle gang members on homicide and drug charges will be paid $2.9 million. He plans to spend the money on a house made out of Kevlar.

Apple has removed the controversial “Baby Shaker” iPhone app from the market because of complaints. It will be slightly modified and return to the market under its new name, “Pirate Shaker.”

Miss California Carrie Prejean, who some say lost the Miss USA pageant because of her views on same-sex marriage, has agreed to appear at the 40th Dove Awards in Nashville. She’ll appear in her bathing suit, the number one cause of women divorcing their husbands while watching the Miss USA pageant.

The Italian town of Pollica is installing web cams in its cemetery so people can check on the graves of their loved ones. The cold, dark and gloomy pictures will be captioned so Internet surfers don’t get it confused with the web cams in Hugh Hefner’s bedroom.

The Japan Sumo Association has conducted its first random drug tests on Japanese sumo wrestlers. Not surprisingly, the three most common chemicals found in sumo wrestler urine were human growth hormone, cocaine and MSG.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Who Moved Mein Kampf?

A popular video making the rounds on the Internet shows four men who performed a dance routine wearing only crispbread on the TV show “Sweden's Got Talent.” They lost points for using crispbread because the judges felt that everything is better when it sits on a Ritz.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told the House Foreign Affairs Committee that Pakistan is becoming a “mortal threat” to the world. This was very similar to a speech she once gave to her husband when she said his affairs were becoming a moral threat to their world.

A declassified report reveals that the Bush administration did not research the “waterboarding” torture technique enough to realize it was found to be ineffective by U.S. trainers. That’s what happens when your research technique consists of asking “What would Jack Bauer do?”

A 14-year-old boy in Akron, Ohio, caught a four-foot-long alligator while fishing in a local lake. Alligators are not native to Ohio, so animal experts think it’s either a pet, a zoo animal or an unemployed auto worker’s attempt at starting a shoe store.

Police in Bartlett, Tenn., responded to a call about a woman screaming and loud gunshots and found a man watching TV at a really high volume. The case is already being turned into a pilot for a new show called “CSI: Punctured Eardrum Unit.”

A woman in Detroit survived being shot by burglars when the underwire in her bra deflected the bullet. If she was wearing a bra big enough to deflect bullets, she should have no trouble finding guys to give her a ride to the trial.

Computer security experts say they have discovered a “botnet” of 1.9 million secretly infected “zombie” PCs controlled by a Ukrainian cybergang. Fortunately, the experts were able to detect the botnet when they noticed the porn they downloaded at work seemed to be playing in slow-motion.

Word out of Detroit is that General Motors will close most of its U.S. factories for up to nine weeks this summer. Here’s my question. How will we tell?

In Colorado, shots were fired at TV bounty hunter Duane "Dog" Chapman and a bail bondsman when they tried to apprehend a man who skipped bail on an attempted murder charge. Proving you CAN teach an old dog new tricks, police at the scene say Dog learned how to play dead.

Bookstores in India say Adolf Hitler's “Mein Kampf” has become a popular book among students looking for tips on management. Actually, it’s a revised edition called “Who Moved Mein Kampf?”

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Reasons We Love Man-Boobs

For the first time, an accused domestic terrorist - Daniel Andreas San Diego - has been added to the FBI's list of "Most Wanted" terror suspects. He credits the award to his 2003 bombings of two corporate offices in California and the fact that members of the Bush administration aren’t eligible until 2010.

Former presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together in Toronto next month to debate the global and domestic challenges facing the United States and Canada. Clinton will support cooperating with Canada to fight global warming while Bush will support invading Canada to take back our two baseball teams.

The May cover of Washingtonian magazine features paparazzi photos of a shirtless Barack Obama to promote the article “Reasons We Love Washington.” Not to be outdone, AARP Magazine will feature a shirtless John McCain to promote the article, “Reasons We Love Man-Boobs.”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney says President Obama’s handshake with Venezuela's Hugo Chavez was “not helpful.” Cheney’s definition of a “helpful” handshake with Chavez is one where Obama would have ended up with more fingers than he started with.

A couple in Minnesota has discovered that their Portuguese water dog Ruby has the same father as the Obama family’s new pet, making her Bo Obama’s half-sister. Not surprisingly, Ruby is now demanding better food, a bigger bed and Secret Service protection when she runs across the street to chase squirrels.

Dan Brown, author of “The Da Vinci Code,” has a new book coming out in September called “The Lost Symbol.” In this one, symbolist Robert Langdon looks for the reason why he’s played in the movies by Tom Hanks instead of Brad Pitt.

The Susan Boyle saga shows no signs of ending. Today thousands of women in Beverly Hills cancelled their Botox injections in favor of an implant to join their eyebrows.

Not everyone is excited about the unexpected popularity of Susan Boyle. Her lawyer says she’s being sued by Phyllis Diller for stealing her act.

In Omaha, Nebraska, the Covenant Presbyterian Church paid eight people $25 each to attend a service Sunday and complete a survey about the experience. Their biggest complaint was that they were given the money right before the minister passed the plate.

A teen boy in Wichita, Kansas, got a date for the prom by posting an ad on Craigslist. It was a typical Craigslist date. She didn’t look anything like her photo but he got a free massage and she let him keep her panties.

A Japanese telecommunications company is developing a solar-powered, waterproof cell phone that will be perfect for the beach or pool. And for texting on really hot days, it comes with little flip-flops for your thumbs.

A survey by the Chinese government has determined that China's historic Great Wall is about 1,550 miles longer than previously thought. The Chinese wanted to make sure the Great Wall doesn’t get surpassed by our Border Patrol’s Great Fence.

The Indian Space Research Organization has successfully launched a radar imaging satellite. While something to be proud of, it’s still a long way from India’s goal of being the first country to have a sacred cow jump over the moon.

Monday, April 20, 2009

$2 million if she leaves her clothes on.

Oracle has purchased the computer server and software maker Sun Microsystems for $7.4 billion. This was big news for stockholders and employees of the two companies and anyone who still gets excited when the new clip-on ties come out.

President Barack Obama held his first formal Cabinet meeting on Monday and asked the members to cut out $100 million from the federal budget. This was a big change from George W. Bush’s first cabinet meeting when he asked the members to cut out asking Dick Cheney all the questions.

The broadcast industry announced that Washington D.C. will be the first U.S. city to get free digital TV broadcasts for mobile devices like cell phones, laptop computers and in-car entertainment systems. This was pushed through by Republicans in Congress who would rather watch Speaker Nancy Pelosi on the smallest possible screen they can get away with.

According to a new study, overweight people eat more than thin people and are more likely to travel by car, making excess body weight doubly bad for the environment. The worst offender is Santa Claus, who also makes holes in the ozone with reindeer droppings.

The U.S. military is testing a 5-pound guided missile that’s about the size of a loaf of French bread. The missiles are designed to be carried by either Predator drones or undercover agents disguised as wine-and-cheese vendors.

A 13-year-old boy in Sheffield, England, set a world record for the longest slam dunk with a nearly 23-foot-long leap with the aid of a trampoline. He’s hoping to someday be drafted by the team that always loses to the Harlem Globetrotters.

The Texas Senate is considering proposed legislation that would end a minimum grade policy and allow teachers to give students a score lower than 50. The rule change is supported by Texas Governor Rick Perry who can use the under-50 grades to pinpoint people who will support him in having the state secede from the Union.

The woman who was arrested for allegedly trespassing at Britney Spears's California home claims she’s making a documentary about Britney. She’s hoping to expose Brittney’s lip-synching in a film called “An Inconvenient Mic.”

An Iowa State University study found that 8.5 percent of U.S. youths age 8 to 18 can become behaviorally addicted to video games. The other 91.5 percent are addicted to twittering about their game-addicted friends.

A new study found that eating one and a half servings of tart cherries can significantly boost anti-oxidant activity. What’s even better, tying the cherry stems in knots with your tongue can significantly boost dating activity.

The video of Susan Boyle’s unexpected performance on “Britain’s Got Talent” has set the record for the number of Internet views in a week. She’s so popular, Hugh Hefner has offered her $1 million to pose in Playboy, $2 million if she leaves her clothes on.

The book given by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to President Obama has rocketed to the top of the Amazon sales rankings. Chavez is lucky Amazon fixed its ranking program or the book would have been kicked out for his comments that being president made him feel gay and that he drinks homogenized milk every morning.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

The New Mascot of the Republican Party

Madonna suffered minor injuries and bruises after taking a tumble while horseback riding in the Hamptons when her horse was spooked by photographers. Actually, the horse got startled when the photographers were snapping pictures of it and Madonna climbed over its head to get in the shot.

General Dynamics Information Technology is looking for computer hackers to help the Homeland Security Department prepare for a cyberattack. The Bush administration thought it had the position covered but then President Obama took office and pointed out that Chloe O’Brien is just a character on “24.”

President Obama was the hit of the Summit of the Americas held on the two-island nation of Trinidad and Tobago. He was so popular, citizens of Trinidad and Tobago want to change the names of the islands to Sasha and Malia.

A woman in Mississippi was shot in the head and not only survived but made herself tea before help arrived. Based on the fact that a gun didn’t phase her and she knows how to handle a teabag, she’s being considered to replace Joe the Plumber as the new mascot of the Republican Party.

Movie star Jackie Chan is in trouble for comments he made that people in China aren’t ready for a free society and need to be controlled. Some Chinese citizens are so upset, they want him to do another Rush Hour movie where he just stands in the middle of a street during rush hour.

Disney has unveiled its first black princess, Tiana, who will star in “The Princess and the Frog.” This is great news for little African-American girls who never bought the excuse that Minnie Mouse is kind of black because she has black ears and a black nose.

Rodeo star Ty Murray says he got a black eye while practicing for “Dancing with the Stars” when he was hit by his partner’s microphone pack. He denies rumors he got it when his wife Jewel thought he was dancing closer to his partner than he got to most bulls.

The wooden putter used by golfer Dick Burton to make the final winning shot in the 1939 British Open was found is a garage in England. The putter is estimated to be worth $22,000, although Tiger Woods has offered double that just to lick it a few times for luck.

According to the latest polls, President Obama's daughters Sasha and Malia have passed the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus in popularity among tween girls. This has some people pretty upset. According to reports out of Texas, this will be the first Father’s Day in eight years that George W. Bush doesn’t get a tie from the twins.

A group of Con Edison workers in New York City are using a battery-powered owl to scare monk parakeets away from electrical equipment. It’s not the best way to scare parakeets, but they couldn’t find a battery-powered Ozzie Osbourne to threaten to bite their heads off.

Researchers have found that women body builders can put on more muscle mass if they stop taking birth control pills. It’s tough at first, but once they look and sweat like Hulk Hogan the women no longer need birth control anyway.

A love song called “Madonna Mia” that was composed in prison by Chicago mobster Al Capone has been recorded on CD and will be released on the Internet. It’s the first love song to have more bullet holes than the Beatles’ “A Day In The Life.”

Monday, April 13, 2009

“Glitch” for president

Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman John Kerry met with Pakistani leaders to discuss U.S. aid to their country. To help them understand the main condition for getting aid, Kerry gave the leaders a copy of the book, “Where’s Waldo?” says a “glitch” is responsible for the sales rankings to be removed from gay- and/or lesbian-themed books by James Baldwin, Gore Vidal and others. In a related story, millions of conservatives have dumped Sarah Palin and now plan to support “Glitch” for president.

According to a new survey, most people say they plan to use this year's tax refund to pay bills. The rest plan to use it to buy cream pies, rotten vegetables and a map to AIG headquarters.

Angel Cabrera got a few surprises after his victory at the Masters. The biggest was a call from the pope thanking him for giving angels a good name again, not like that author Dan Brown.

President Obama’s first White House Easter Egg Roll had the theme “Let’s go play.” Conservatives looked at the same sex couples in attendance, unscrambled the letters and revealed that the president’s real message was “Pol let gays.”

You can tell the world is upset with pirates. For the first time in their history, the Pittsburgh Pirates had a game called on account of beanballs.

Bo, the Portuguese water dog, didn’t take long to settle into life at the White House. Today he bit Joe Biden for talking too much while feeding him.

A team of conservationists have discovered a new population of as many as 2,000 orangutans in a remote, mountainous corner of Indonesia. The great apes acted the way all orangutans do when they first encounter humans … they started screaming for Clint Eastwood.

Britain's Channel 4 network plans to broadcast a five-part artist education series “Life Class: Today's Nude” that will feature full-frontal female and male nudity. The series will then be brought to the U.S. under the new title, “Still Life With Black Tape.”

A new study found that college students who routinely use the social networking Web site Facebook typically have lower grade-point averages than those who do not. On the positive side, they also have thousands of Facebook friends to console them when they flunk out.

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal says he has a deal with a conservative publishing house for a book that will mix autobiography, life lessons and policy thoughts. I think it’s called “The Audacity of a Four-Year Campaign for President.”

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Streisand the Farewell Concerts

Barbra Streisand is releasing a 3-DVD set called “Streisand the Concerts” featuring some of her most memorable performances. If it sells, Barbra will follow it up with a 20-DVD set called “Streisand the Farewell Concerts.”

In Rapid City, Iowa, a man accidentally shot himself in the leg with a pistol while waiting for service at a fast-food restaurant's drive-through. Times are so tough in the fast-food business, the manager saw the man and fired the clerk for giving him extra ketchup.

France's anti-doping agency has accused cyclist Lance Armstrong of not fully cooperating with a drug tester. It’s not Lance’s fault. He felt uncomfortable because the French tester reminded him of John Kerry.

Kim Jong Il showed up at North Korea’s parliament for his appointment to a third term as the country’s supreme leader. You could tell he was proud of his country’s recent attempted satellite launch because he had his hair combed in the shape of a missile.

The 99 Cents Only Stores chain reports that its fourth-quarter sales increased 13.3 percent as a result of the recession. Sales would have been even higher but even poor hungry people are suspicious of 99-cent chateaubriand.

The Volkswagen Golf VI was named the 2009 World Car at the New York International Auto Show. At the bottom of the list was the new GM/Segway combo car called the Golf Cart.

A tofu-loving Colorado woman was denied the personalized license plate ILVTOFU because state officials thought the FU at the end meant something suggestive. This woman loves tofu so much, her original request was for the license plate ILVTOFUINTOFU.

According to a report in the New England Journal of Medicine, so-called brown fat burns calories faster than regular fat and can make you thinner. The only danger, according to R&B singer Rihanna, is to never say “brown fat” around your boyfriend.

President Obama says now is the time for Americans to refinance their homes and taking advantage of record low interest rates. They’re so low, Ty Pennington has stopped tearing down houses and is working on a new show called Extreme Makeover: Mortgage Edition.

Two California women have been charged with staging scam funerals to collect life insurance payments and other money totaling an estimated $1 million. Using fake funerals with imaginary dead people to collect insurance is a form of Ponzi scheme called Weekend at Bernie Madoff’s.

Former Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska has filed a statement of candidacy for the 2014 election. Stevens will be 91 in 2014, so he’s already dropped hints to campaign donors he wants his house remodeled to include handrails, elevators and a lot more bathrooms.

Police in Poland arrested a 26-year-old man for stealing a toilet paper roll from a Warsaw restaurant and now the poor guy is facing 10 years in prison. Stealing toilet paper from restaurants in Poland is a serious crime because it’s also used for napkins, placemats and bar tabs.

Actor Billy Bob Thornton is being compared to Joaquin Phoenix after he appeared surly and uncooperative in an interview with the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. to promote his band, Thornton and The Boxmasters. This confirms a rumor that Phoenix and Thornton are competing for the lead in “The Mickey Rourke Story.”

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Bush used up all of the Air Force One frequent flier miles

Police in Vermont arrested a school bus driver for slamming on the brakes to discipline children on her bus when they misbehaved. None of the kids were seriously injured and she’s already gotten an offer to drive an SUV for the octo-mom.

A man claiming to be an illegal immigrant ran naked down a street in Port St. Lucie, Florida, hoping he’d get sent back to Mexico. Unfortunately, before he gets deported to the home of the enchilada, he’ll have to pay a fine for showing his taco bells.

A woman in Texas called 911 to report she didn't get as much shrimp as she wanted in her fried rice at a restaurant. The police didn’t respond to the call since they only rush to restaurants where customers complain about not enough sprinkles on the donuts.

Two New Jersey men who staged a UFO hoax by tying lit road flares to helium balloons were fined and ordered to perform 50 hours of community service. The men begged for jail instead when they were told the community service was picking up trash at night on a deserted country road known for alien abductions and probing.

Levi Johnston, father of Bristol Palin’s baby, appeared on television again to complain that the family of Governor Sarah Palin is treating him like an outcast. It’s interesting that Levi only shows up in cities where spring has arrived and there’s no chance he’ll be run over by a snowmobile.

President Obama returned to Washington after an eight-day, six country trip that ended with a surprise stop in Iraq. Obama was so well received overseas, the first thing he did when he got back to the White House was call George W. Bush and thank him.

President Obama returned to Washington after an eight-day, six country trip that ended with a surprise stop in Iraq. Obama had other stops planned but the pilot said he couldn’t because former President George W. Bush had used up all of the Air Force One frequent flier miles.

John Holden, President Obama’s new science adviser, says global warming is such a big problem, he may recommend shooting pollution particles into the upper atmosphere to reflect the sun's rays and cool the atmosphere. And to make the pollution even cooler, the tobacco industry suggests adding menthol.

A Russian Soyuz space capsule carrying billionaire Charles Simonyi and a Russian-American crew touched down safely in Kazakhstan. Simonyi paid $60 million for the two trips, but the second one was slightly more because he checked two bags.

Evolutionary anthropologists in Germany say they’ve observed that female chimpanzees mate more frequently with males who often share meat with them. And just like humans, the female chimps mated less with male chimps who brought them meat from McDonald’s.

The Walgreen’s drug store chain is refusing to sell a Chia Obama plant in its stores, even though the maker says it’s “totally patriotic.” How can it be patriotic? Does it grow a money tree?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The Miami Solar Panels

Joe West, who umpired his first major league baseball game in 1976, is the new president of the World Umpires Association. He won the election by promising that he would finally get the umpires’ health care plan to cover glasses, contacts and laser eye surgery.

In Worcester, Massachusetts, a man who was upset about a 20-year-old unpaid speeding ticket that stopped him from renewing his license knocked over a nearly 150-year-old statue of Moses in the courthouse. He’ll be charged with malicious destruction of property, disturbing the peace and bringing a plague of locusts upon Worcester.

Iraq's highest court reduced the prison sentence for the Iraqi journalist who flung his footwear at former President George W. Bush from three years to one because he had no prior criminal history. That means he’ll be out in time to throw out the first shoe at the opening of bush’s presidential library.

GM and Segway have unveiled a new two-wheeled, two-seat electric vehicle based on the Segway scooter that will go 35 miles-per-hour. Based on how the driver feels seeing cars approaching quickly from behind, the vehicle has been nicknamed the Chevy Impaler.

Apple Corps Ltd. and EMI Music announced that the entire catalog of music by The Beatles is being digitally remastered for release in September. Despite numerous requests and a large sum of cash offered by Pete Best, they decided against digitally removing Ringo.

The AmericanAirlines Arena in Miami will be the first arena in the country to meet the strict environmental standards set by the LEED green building rating system. The standards are so tough, the Miami Heat will not be allowed to play there next season unless it changes its name to the Miami Solar Panels.

In California, a 23-year-old woman driving an expensive Ferrari owned by her boss flipped it after taking a curve too fast and caused an estimated $125,000 in damage. Alcohol was not a factor in the crash but was definitely a factor in getting up the courage to tell her boss.

According to a report in the journal Nature Neuroscience, researchers using monkeys have determined that scratching an itch turns off an itch “switch” in the spinal cord and could lead to new anti-itching treatments. The monkeys in the study hated losing their itches because they no longer had a reason to scratch and go “ooh-ooh-ooh-ahh-ahh-ahh!”

President Obama paid a surprise visit to troops in Iraq after he left Turkey. The soldiers didn’t mind when he said they would be staying in Iraq for a while, but they were really disappointed when he said he didn’t bring Michelle.

Vermont has become the fourth state to legalize gay marriage. Gays and lesbians can now get married in Vermont as long as they promise not to talk about what they do with maple syrup.

The White House says it won’t replace the rubber mulch under Sasha and Malia Obama's swing set despite warnings from an environmental group that toxins from the ground-up tires can irritate the skin, eyes and mucous membrane. The girls don’t mind because it reminds them of the air back home in Chicago.

According to a new study, more than half of the teachers in the U.S. are eligible for retirement during the next ten years. This comes as a shock to American students who think ALL of their teachers look like they’re old enough to retire.

A researcher in the Vatican Secret Archives has found a document that suggests the Shroud of Turin, said to be Jesus' burial cloth, was hidden by the Knights Templar for more than 100 years after the Crusades. The researcher has known about the document for years, but refused to say anything until Pope Benedict promised that he would be played in the movie by Tom Hanks.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Presidents are only supposed to pardon a turkey on Thanksgiving

While visiting Turkey, President Obama declared that the United States “is not and will never be at war with Islam.” This upset former president George W. Bush who said that presidents are only supposed to pardon a turkey on Thanksgiving.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner says the government is cracking down on mortgage modification scammers who take advantage of homeowners in danger of default. I think this government program is called “shooting fish in a barrel.”

Military experts say that North Korea's recent rocket launch ended up in the ocean but it still traveled twice as far as any missile the country has launched before. The Pentagon is apparently using the same PR guy who used to compliment President Bush in Opening Day for getting the first pitch over the plate even if it was on a bounce.

A new line of housewares and furniture bearing the name of Country Living magazine will debut at Sears and Kmart stores this fall. Shoppers are expected to go for Country Living items since so many of them had their homes foreclosed and are now living in shacks in the country.

Volunteers in Vermont are helping black salamanders cross the road in the dark so they can avoid getting run over and make it to the other side to mate. Once mating season is over, these people hope to use the experience to get jobs directing traffic in front of strip clubs.

Researchers say that the sea ice in the Arctic is thinner than it ever was before. How thin is it? It’s so thin, Santa had to replace his annual Elves on Ice spring pageant with reindeer water polo games.

Researchers in Japan found that eating two and a half ounces of baby broccoli daily for two months may protect against a common stomach bug that is linked to gastritis, ulcers and stomach cancer. Big deal. Who wants to live longer if you can’t get any dates because you always have green stuff stuck in your teeth?

Parents of students at a school in Bradford on Avon, England, are upset because a teacher taught their 11-year-old swear words as part of a sex and community class. They’d rather their kids learn swear words the old-fashioned way … by bringing home bad report cards.

A judge in Florida ordered an African Grey parrot to appear in court as part of a civil lawsuit contesting the matter of who is its rightful owner. The parrot refused to show up until the judge assured it he would not try to make him talk by subjecting the bird to water-perching.

Six-time NBA champion and five-time Most Valuable Player Michael Jordan has been elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame. The vote was actually in doubt until his agent convinced Michael to drop Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Friday, April 3, 2009

There’s a 100-percent chance he’ll drive her nuts

The nation's unemployment rate jumped to 8.5 percent in March, the highest since late 1983. It’s actually a lot higher but the news is being suppressed by the company in India that the counting was farmed out to.

Boston's NBC affiliate says it will dump Jay Leno's new 10 p.m. talk show and run a local newscast instead. No one is saying who’s behind it but, on Leno’s first night with the new show, Letterman has booked the band Boston, the Boston Red Sox and a chef who makes Boston baked beans.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has found traces of a chemical used in rocket fuel in samples of powdered baby formula. The formula is popular in trailer parks where parents see it as the best way for their kids to grow up to be rocket scientists.

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal's budget for next year proposes a big cut in arts funding. Jindal hopes this will stop all of the people painting pictures of him dressed as an intern on “30 Rock.”

At a town hall meeting in France, President Obama told European students that he doesn’t like the loss of “privacy and anonymity” that comes with being president. Finally, something he and Bill Clinton agree upon.

In Indiana, police investigating a possible meth lab found the recipe for making methamphetamine in a Bible on the last page of the Book of Revelation. Based on a note found in another part of the Bible, they’re looking for the drugs in the belly of a whale.

An Oregon company has ordered new packaging for its Peace Cereal after a typo on the box sent callers to a phone sex line instead of the cereal maker's 800 number. Before the mistake was found, the phone sex lady says she made a fortune talking to callers while bathing in a tub of milk for $1.99 a minute.

A man pleaded guilty to being a serial shrimp shoplifter at a New Hampshire supermarket after evidence showed he stole about $500 worth of shrimp in four separate trips. His lawyer convinced him the judge wouldn’t believe his story that he’s severely addicted to cocktail sauce.

Carlos Santana said in an interview that he think the government should “Legalize marijuana and take all that money and invest it in teachers and in education.” Carlos is so confident this will happen, he’s re-releasing all of his albums in LP form so his fans will have something to roll joints on.

At North America's largest cell phone trade show recently held in Las Vegas, almost all of the new phones had alphabet keyboards or touch screens instead of the old tradition numeric pads. Ironically, on the other side of town, hundreds of elderly people dragging oxygen tanks were listening to Steve and Eydie sing “Pennsylvania 6-500.”

Artificial intelligence researchers in Great Britain claim they have created robots that can reason, formulate theories and discover scientific knowledge on their own. These robots are so much like real scientists, they never comb their antennas, use tape to hold their electronic goggles together and shut down in front of female robots.

Madonna plans to continue her fight to adopt a second child from Malawi. She’s hoping the court will change its mind when she comes back with 100,000 free “Like A Virgin” T-shirts in size “malnourished.”

A Toronto weatherman recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the longest-working weatherman has finally retired after 48 years on the job. He retired in spite of the forecast by his wife that there’s a 100-percent chance he’ll drive her nuts.

The Montreal hotel suite where John Lennon and Yoko Ono staged an eight-day in-bed protest for peace 40 years ago is now available for rent at $599 a night. If that’s too much, for 50 bucks you can sleep on the trundle bed used by Ringo Starr.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Soapy or Die

The British are still buzzing about Queen Elizabeth II breaking royal protocol and putting her arm around First Lady Michelle Obama in a rare display of affection. How rare was it? When Prince Phillip saw the hug, he asked President Obama what it was.

President Obama says he’ll join with South Korea to respond if North Korea goes ahead with a long-range rocket launch. To put this in perspective, this is kind of like a bug-zapper joining forces with a fly swatter to chase a mosquito.

The Hollywood Wax Museum is putting almost 200 wax figures up for auction, including James Dean, the Beatles, Marilyn Monroe and Bill Clinton. There hasn’t been this much wax up for sale in Hollywood since Joan Rivers stopped buying birthday cakes with candles.

The FBI and the Motion Picture Association of America are investigating how the unfinished movie “X-Men Origins:Wolverine” was leaked online. They estimate that only a few thousand people saw it, which still puts it ahead of “12 Rounds.”

BASF, the world's largest chemical maker, says it is testing a microorganism that can keep cavity-causing bacteria from attacking teeth and hopes to add it to toothpaste, mouthwash and even candy as early as next year. When asked to comment, four out of five dentists surveyed recommended that dental students change their major.

A pet shop in Connecticut has a baby bunny with two noses. The bunny twitches and wriggles twice as much as normal, which is why they named it Amy Winehouse.

An animal rights activist in Kansas bought a cow that escaped on its way to the slaughterhouse and is paying for a pasture where the cow can live out its days in peace. The animal rights activist is now swamped with calls from death row inmates claiming to be named Elsie.

Guards at a prison in Brazil caught inmates smuggling cell phones inside using trained carrier pigeons. The pigeons got caught when a few of them started using the cell phones while flying and ran into each other.

The Domino's pizza chain has given away nearly 11,000 free pizzas because someone discovered a never-used promotion that gave away a free medium pizza if you ordered online using the codeword “bailout.” Keeping with tradition, Domino’s said that if the instigators identified themselves in under 30 minutes, they would go free.

Carlos Santana has signed a contract to perform in Las Vegas at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino through 2010. He’s working on a new Vegas song called “Put Everything On Black Magic Woman.”

McDonald's is demanding that a Swedish strip club get rid of a sign featuring a large red “M” with nipples because it looks too much like the golden arches. What’s the problem? Both McDonald’s and the strippers have a dollar menu.

Solar physicists report that the sun is experiencing the least sunspot activity since 1913. This could explain why George Hamilton is starting to look a little pale.

CBS has cancelled the soap opera “Guiding Light” after a 72-year run on both television and radio. The cast is hoping it will be converted to an Internet show called “Soapy or Die.”

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The first stamp in history to have a skid mark on the back

President Obama accepted an invitation from President Hu Jintao to visit China later this year. The Chinese are expected to demand explanations from Obama for problems with the global economy, the Middle East and Michael Phelps.

The much-feared Conficker Internet worm was activated on April 1 but didn’t seem to do much harm. Security experts were concerned when millions of computers suddenly accessed, but it was just people downloading the latest photos of Michelle Obama in Europe.

The University of Kentucky approved an eight-year, $31.65 million contract that will make basketball coach John Calipari the highest paid coach in the nation. That total breaks down to about $4 million per year or $31.65 million per graduating player.

President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev issued a joint statement saying the “era when our countries viewed each other as enemies is long over.” Fortunately, the statement had a fine-print clause excluding hockey, the Olympics and vodka-drinking contests.

Police in Newark, Ohio, charged a man with drunken driving after he crashed his motorized bar stool, which was powered by a lawnmower engine and could go up to 38 mph. The man’s legal fees will be paid for by General Motors in return for exclusive rights to a vehicle that could save the company.

According to a new study, people with high amounts of bacteria and germs in their mouths are the most likely to have heart attacks. Especially the germs and bacteria that grow on hamburgers, French fries and sodas.

Police in St. Petersburg, Russia, want to know who attached a bomb to the famous bronze statue of Vladimir Lenin and blew a big hole in it. While the statue is being repaired, it has been surrounded by flowers brought by thousands of Russian pigeons.

The U.S. Postal Service announced that the Simpsons will soon be featured on 44-cent stamps designed by the show’s creator, Matt Groening. Homer Simpson’s stamp will be the first in history to have a skid mark on the back.

Attorney General Eric Holder ordered the Justice Department to drop the corruption case against former Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens because of prosecutorial misconduct. “Prosecutorial misconduct” comes from an ancient Latin phrase which means “We won the election and don’t need you anymore.”

The latest “Star Trek” doesn’t open in U.S. theaters until May 8, but Paramount Pictures is already working on its sequel. In this one, Captain Kirk boldly goes where no man has gone before when he accidentally walks into the Starfleet ladies room.

A South African woman’s pet giant bullfrog may be the first frog in the world to be outfitted with an artificial leg bone after the hopper was attacked by a dog. The operation was covered by her frog’s insurance company, Blue Croak.

The CiCi’s Pizza chain may be in trouble with the Treasury Department for putting stickers on pennies to promote its new Penny Picker Up campaign. It’s against the law to deface currency in any way, even if the currency is worth less than the sticker stuck to it.