Friday, January 29, 2010

Moo lie!

The Who’s appearance at the Super Bowl in Miami is being protested because Pete Townshend was arrested in 2003 for accessing child pornography online as part of research for his autobiography. Pete offered to show he’s sorry by having the band play his new song about the incident: “My Degeneration.”

In his second tape in a week, Al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden blamed the U.S. for global warming and called for a boycott on American products. Good idea. The first product he needs to boycott is cassette tapes.

“Star Wars” creator George Lucas is reportedly working on a big-screen, animated musical. Rumor has it it’s musical version of “Star Wars” and one of the singing villains is Meatloaf the Hutt.

The wedding of Jason Mesnick and Molly Malaney, former stars of "The Bachelor," will be shown on ABC in March. It will be followed by the honeymoon on Playboy TV, their first fight on ESPN and their breakup on Divorce Court.

A driver in Scotland is fighting a ticket he got for blowing his nose while his car was stuck in a traffic jam. Apparently he was causing a dangerous situation by distracting the other drivers who were booger-necking.

A Tesco supermarket in Wales has become the first in the country to ban customers from shopping in pajamas or bare feet. The only exception is if they’re sleepwalking to the pharmacy to get a refill on their Ambien prescription.

Toyota announced it has figured out how to fix the problem with sticking accelerator pedals that has prompted a massive recall. The tough part will be driving with a can of WD40 duct-taped to your foot.

Argentina's president Cristina Fernandez said in a speech that “It is much more gratifying to eat some grilled pork than to take Viagra.” The speech was interrupted by a senator from a beef cattle state who yelled, “Moo lie!”

Russia unveiled its first stealth fighter, almost two decades after the U.S. developed the technology. It’s not really invisible. It just bombs radar operators with vodka until they don’t care if they see it or not.

Genealogists have discovered a common ancestor that makes President Barack Obama and newly-elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown 10th cousins. Brown was a little disappointed when his new cousin Barry refused to help him move his stuff to Washington.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Pop’s out the door

Martha Stewart has signed a deal to move her daily program to the Hallmark Channel. The only restriction Hallmark asked is that Martha refrain from showing viewers how to use large leaves to make their own greeting cards.

Police in arrested a woman for cocaine possession after she tried to convince an officer that the powder on her mouth was from eating a powdered doughnut. That’s like trying to sneak an intern in men’s clothing past Hillary Clinton.

ABBAWORLD, a new museum-and-theme park dedicated to the Swedish group, opened this week in London. It’s kind of like Disneyland if the entire park was shut down except for the “It’s A Small World” ride.

When the 2009 NBA champion L.A. Lakers visited the White House this week, Khloe Kardashian – who is married to Laker Lamar Odom – got to meet President Obama. What a picture … someone who has no clue about what’s going on in America meeting Khloe Kardashian.

President Obama is still getting flak for his interview with Diane Sawyer which began with the president giving her a kiss. He told Michelle it was nothing and said, “I'd rather be a really good one-term husband than a mediocre two-term husband.”

Rumor has it Tiger Woods received a visit from his wife Elin Nordegren at a sex rehab clinic. She was shocked at how thin his fingers were now that he can’t text anymore.

American Idol contestant Michael Lynche was kicked out of the competition after his father violated a confidentiality agreement and revealed to a reporter that he made the top 24. Lynche is hoping to get back in next season with his new song, “Pop’s out the door, Pop’s out the door, acted like a fool so my Pop’s out the door.”

A national coalition of women's groups wants CBS to scrap its plan to broadcast an ad during the Super Bowl featuring Tim Tebow and his mother giving an anti-abortion message. Tebow may try to sneak one in anyway with a commercial asking beer drinkers where they would be if there were no baby Clydesdales.

Scott Brown, the newly-elected Republican senator from Massachusetts, is set to appear on “The Jay Leno Show.” And the people who voted for him will appear on “Jaywalking.”

According to a new study, little girls learn to fear math from women teachers who are concerned about their own math skills. And their fear of phys ed class is learned from women gym teachers who are concerned about how they look in shorts.

Concert promoter Live Nation and ticket-seller Ticketmaster have merged after promising the Justice Department that the union would lower ticket prices for consumers. And if you believe that, they want to talk to you about a great deal on tickets to a Beatles reunion concert.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Putting the “con” in “conservative.”

A visitor to New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art accidentally tore a painting by Picasso called “The Actor,” which shows an acrobat in a pink costume and blue knee-high boots striking a pose. Until it’s repaired, it will be replaced by a poster of Neil Patrick Harris.

NBA player Javaris Crittenton has been charged with a gun felony for having a loaded gun in the Washington Wizards locker room. His main defense is that no one ever brought similar charges against a player he heard about named Pistol Pete.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner is warning that the stock market could react negatively if Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke isn't confirmed for a second term. Republicans aren’t buying it. They all know that stock market crashes are caused by liberal brokers making deals with Satan.

Saddam Hussein's cousin "Chemical Ali" was executed after receiving four death sentences for crimes against humanity. Ali delayed it as long as he could by demanding four cigarettes.

Beau Biden announced he will not run for the Senate seat once held by his father, Vice President Joe Biden. The disappointed vice president gave all of his “I Love Beau” buttons to the White House dog.

There are rumors on the Web that John Edwards and Rielle Hunter made a sex tape together during their affair. It looks like Edwards was getting in shape for the debates because he was finished in 90 seconds.

Texas Governor Rick Perry's campaign hired convicted felons as part-time workers to help recruit voters for the Republican primary. Now that’s what I call putting the “con” in “conservative.”

Pope Benedict XVI is urging priests to start using email, blogs and social media to preach the Gospel. That explains the text message every Catholic got on Sunday that read, ‘JC4U’.

Former child television star Gary Coleman was arrested and jailed in Utah for alleged domestic assault. The evidence against him is pretty strong since his wife went to the hospital with fist marks on her knees and thighs.

Newly reinstated "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno is in talks to appear on Oprah Winfrey's show to discuss the late-night shake-up at NBC. Instead of giving away new cars, audience members that day will be able to sell their old cars to Jay.

Another taped message claiming to be Osama bin Laden has been released and this one is pretty recent. The voice on the tape said something about “looking like a fool with your pants on the ground in Iraq.”

Johnny Depp's publicist says online rumors claiming the actor died in a car wreck in France over the weekend are untrue. These rumors pop up every time someone in a car hits a sparrow.

A group calling itself America's Nazi Party has received permission to pick up litter on a one-mile stretch of road near Denver as part of the Adopt-A-Highway program. In response, the litter is being provided by a group calling itself Cover-A-Highway-With-Chicken-Soup-Cans-And-Manischewitz -Wine-Bottles.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

What part of pass-“word” is so hard to understand?

President Obama and his wife donated $15,000 from their personal bank account to the Clinton-Bush Haiti fund. Out of habit, Bush cashed the check and sent the unmarked bills to Iraq.

Police in New Hampshire received a call from a man who reported that he paid a prostitute for sex, but then she refused to give it to him. If you listen to the tape of the 9-1-1 call, you can hear the operator say, “I’m sorry, Mr. Woods. This is part of your shock therapy.”

Interior Secretary Ken Salazar wants a ban on the importation of Burmese pythons and eight other kinds of large snakes because they’re a threat to the Everglades and other wildlife areas. Not to mention the inspiration for really bad movies.

In a traditional ceremony, Pope Benedict XVI blessed two lambs whose wool will be shorn to make shawls for newly appointed archbishops to wear. The lambs questioned the pope’s motives after noting the holy water had a distinct minty smell.

“Slumdog Millionaire” director Danny Boyle has signed on produce a stage adaptation of “Frankenstein.” In Boyle’s version, the Frankenstein monster goes on “Deal or No Deal” in an attempt to win enough money to pay for a better brain.

Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards has finally admitted he’s the father of a child born to a campaign aide he had an affair with. Callers to his office heard Edwards’ new ringtone, “It’s Too Late, Baby.”

John Edwards’ former aide Andrew Young says in a new book that Edwards asked him to steal a diaper of the child he finally admitted fathering so he could conduct his own paternity test. This is just more evidence that Edwards has had a pampered life.

NBC said agreed to pay Conan O’Brien $33 million and his staff $12 million as a settlement for leaving the “Tonight” show. The staff members plan to pool the money to pay their fines and legal fees after keying all of Jay Leno’s cars.

The New York Times announced it will introduce a “metered model” in 2011 to charge people for using its web site. With so few people interested in paying for news on the Internet, they could probably get by with a millimetered model.

According to a leading data security firm, the top three most commonly used passwords are 123456, 12345 and 123456789. What part of pass-“word” is so hard to understand?

Prostitutes in Greece are protesting a law that allows them to walk the streets but makes it illegal to open brothels. Greek politicians aren’t expected to change the law since chasing prostitutes down the street is often the only exercise they get.

New Massachusetts senator Scott Brown posed nude in Cosmopolitan in 1982 as the winner of Cosmo's 1st Male Centerfold Contest. That explains why he’s been swamped with job applications from interns who used to work for former “wide stance” Senator Larry Craig.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

He made her say "Cheese" instead of "Moose"

In Georgia, the Augusta Chronicle reports the formation of the All-American Basketball Alliance, a whites-only basketball league that will launch in twelve cities this summer. They were hoping to require all of the cheerleaders to be virgins but were afraid none of them would be left by playoff time.

In Georgia, the Augusta Chronicle reports the formation of the All-American Basketball Alliance, a whites-only basketball league that will launch in twelve cities this summer. If you want to know what white guys shooting balls looks like, watch bowling.

Disney announced that the fourth “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie will be filmed in Hawaii this summer. Here’s a bad sign: Jack Sparrow now has a sidekick named Robin.

Amy Winehouse pleaded guilty to assaulting a theater manager who asked her to leave a family Christmas show starring Mickey Rooney because she had too much to drink. She claimed Mickey got her drunk and told her to come out to the barn and “put on a show, if you know what I mean.”

Less than a year after giving birth to eight kids, Octomom Nadya Suleman is on the cover of Star Magazine in a bikini and looking pretty fit. If eight kids fit in there, she’s got a bright future in the circus as a clown car.

The National Enquirer published photos it claims are of Tiger Woods at a sex rehab clinic in Mississippi. It’s hard to see his face but there’s no mistaking the four blonde nurses running away from him.

Insiders say the New York Jets’ rotund coach Rex Ryan puts away 7,000 calories a day. If he’s smart, he’ll stop eating two days before the Colts game and drown out Peyton Manning’s signal calling with his stomach growls.

In Touch magazine paid Sarah and Bristol Palin $100,000 for a cover photo with their babies, but sales were a flop. Palin blamed it on the photographer who made her say “Cheese” instead of “Moose.”

Sarah Palin announced she’ll campaign this spring for John McCain, Texas Governor Rick Perry and Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann. She’d like to do more, but her doctor warned her it might strain her winking eye.

British authorities visited the home of an 18-year-old mother who posted a picture on Facebook of her infant
son with an unlit cigarette in his mouth. She thought it was OK because the kid is the descendent of a Viceroy.

Recording artist Charlie Daniels is recovering from a mild stroke he suffered while snowmobiling. Doctors say Daniels was lucky because he had the stroke in Colorado while the devil was looking for him in Georgia.

The International Olympic Committee is recommending the establishment of special medical centers to deal with cases of athletes with ambiguous sexual characteristics. Luckily for the U.S. Winter Olympics team, this won’t happen before the men’s figure skating competition.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

She just can’t walk away and blink at the same time

President Obama sent his first Tweet while visiting the American Red Cross headquarters in Washington. He liked the idea so much, he’s demanding that all future conversations with Joe Biden be 140 characters or less.

Jay Leno claims that when NBC first brought up the idea, he told them that putting him on in prime time would never work. Unfortunately, NBC thought he was just doing an impression of those people he talks to while Jaywalking.

Heidi Montag now says that even though she once had 10 procedures done in one day, she’s not addicted to plastic surgery. She can walk away from it at any time. She just can’t walk away and blink at the same time.

Former MLB All-Star Jose Offerman was banned for life by the Dominican winter league for throwing a punch at an umpire during an argument in a game. Being banned for life from the Dominican winter league is like being banned for life from a Starbucks.

President Barack Obama praised former pro basketball star Dikembe Mutombo for his charitable work in his native country of Congo. Then Harry Reid praised Obama for pronouncing “Dikembe Mutombo” like a white NBA announcer would.

A new survey found that men get a bigger economic boost from marriage than women do. Good news for women … this explains why they get a bigger economic boost from divorce than men do.

Sweethearts Candy has joined forces with Twitter to make those little heart-shaped Valentine’s Day candies with the words “Tweet Me” on them. Sweethearts is hoping this will make people gobble them 140 at a time.

Seventy-one percent of Americans say they don't want Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012. The 29 percent who want her to run also said their favorite form of entertainment is watching bugs splatter on their windshields.

Workers in Maine cut down Herbie, New England's largest and oldest elm tree that’s estimated to be around 240 years old. They saved a piece of bark that has a heart with Betsy Ross’ name in it that John McCain carved before joining George Washington’s army.

A man whose SUV went off the road and plunged into a Northern California creek managed to escape the sinking vehicle by blasting out the window with a handgun. This is why NBA players are never late for a game.

Monday, January 18, 2010

A blunt, toil, tears and sweat

Police in Iowa City, Iowa, arrested a man for illegally entering a home while dressed as a cowboy. The cops didn’t believe his excuse that he was just getting into character for a role in a movie called “Broke-In Mountain.”

A yoyo distribution company says sales of the stringed toys in England is up tenfold from a year ago when the economic downturn started. They’re not sure if Brits are using the yoyos to take their minds off their problems or to club tourists and steal their travelers checks.

James Cameron's “Avatar” passed “Star Wars” to move to No. 3 movie on the all-time domestic box office charts. When asked to comment, Yoda said, “People blue D 3 big sucks time.”

The loser in Romania's presidential race last year claims he was subjected to attacks of negative energy by aides of eventual winner Traian Basescu during a debate. To prevent that from happening in 2012, Sarah Palin is looking for someone to design her an aluminum foil outfit.

An entrepreneur in Vietnam purchased a 35-ton block of jade for $2 million and wants to turn it into the world's largest jade Buddha. The current record was set by actor John Goodman while auditioning to play the Incredible Hulk.

Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show ratings have gone up 50 percent since NBC decided to can him and bring back Jay Leno. It’s working so well, once Jay finally takes over, network executives plan to leak weekly rumors on who might replace him.

An 18th-century account of how Isaac Newton developed the theory of gravity has been posted on the Internet. And to make the story more interesting for today’s kids, the apple now has its own Facebook page.

A California middle school was put on lock-down after authorities were called to check out an 11-year-old student’s science project, a motion detector. They decided it was safe but confiscated it anyway because it looks like it might work on White House gate-crashers.

A New York woman is suing her neighbors because they play opera on their piano and it keeps her and her son from sleeping at night. It’s so bad, the son thinks his favorite cookies are called Figaro Newtons.

Former President Bill Clinton visited Haiti but he didn’t bring along former President George W. Bush, the other half of the humanitarian aid team put together by President Obama.. Bush wanted to go but was waiting for an anti-voodoo cap from Pat Robertson.

Sources with "Two and a Half Men" say Jon Cryer was the target of a threat by his ex-wife, Sarah Trigger. If Cryer and Charlie Sheen keep having problems, CBS should spin off the son and Berta the housekeeper and call it Jake and the Fat Maid.

A half-smoked cigar British Prime Minister Winston Churchill put down before a Cabinet meeting in 1941 is up for auction in England. It was right before a less well-known speech Churchill gave when he said he had nothing to offer but “a blunt, toil, tears and sweat.”

Friday, January 15, 2010

His foil hat isn’t working

Two South Korean teenagers won $100,000 in the LG Mobile World Cup for being the fastest texters in the world. Here’s a bad sign … they had to pick up the check with their teeth and sign it with their feet.

Scientists in New York pushed the Doomsday Clock's hand back one minute to 6 minutes to midnight because they see “a more hopeful state of world affairs.” Unfortunately, the clock reset itself when it heard the news President Obama asked George W. Bush to help Haiti.

British researchers claim they’ve developed an eye test that may help detect and monitor Alzheimer's disease. I’ve got a test like that too. I pass if I remember where I left my glasses.

A Santa Fe man who claims he suffers from "electromagnetic allergies" is suing his neighbor because she refuses to turn off her cell phone, wireless network, computer, dimmer switches and other electronic devices. He’s also suing Reynolds Aluminum because his foil hat isn’t working.

A British great-grandmother spent $16,000 on cheek implants, chin implants, and a breast lift so she can look like the cartoon character Jessica Rabbit. Her husband is just glad she hates Olive Oyl.

Victoria’s Secret has unveiled a new topless bikini that’s basically a bikini bottom held around the neck with a string. It’s only available in the U.S. Victoria’s Secret customers in Australia will be offer the new bottomless bikini.

A prostitute in Poland was fined $820,000 for evading taxes on yearly earnings that were at least 6 times that. It’s also about 10,000 times what she made using many of the same skills at the Polish sausage plant.

A bag of cocaine was found in the hangar that houses space shuttle Discovery at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida. NASA has narrowed the list of suspects down to a group of Hubble telescope scientists testing a new mirror.

A team of astronomers from Italy captured images of an asteroid that passed by Earth this week at a distance one-third that between the Earth and the moon. The Italian astronomers sent the asteroid photos to the U.N. and offered to “take care of it” before it comes back again.

Johnson & Johnson has expanded its recall of over-the-counter medications because some products have a moldy smell that makes people sick. This is different than the moldy smell that caused Wal-Mart to recall some of its door greeters.

An oil refinery in Philadelphia says a foul odor that prompted numerous complaints was caused by a spill during cleanup operations. Officials told residents of Philadelphia that the bad smell would be gone soon and told residents of nearby New Jersey to enjoy it while they can.

A town house called the skinniest house in New York City sold for $2.1 million. The 9 1/2foot wide residence was appraised for much higher, but that was before the open house attended by Kirstie Alley.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Bland, simplistic and sappy

Sarah Palin, her daughter Bristol and their babies are on the cover of In Touch magazine. They chose to do their exclusive interview with In Touch because there’s no magazine called Out of Touch.

Former USC coach Pete Carroll says he’s excited to be coaching the Seattle Seahawks because “they have embraced my approach.” Starting today, parents of Seahawks players can stop by a Seattle car dealership to pick up their free vehicles.

First lady Michelle Obama unveiled a new hairdo this week. Reporters are camped outside the offices of Don Imus and Harry Reid to see which one will be the first to describe it as “nappy.”

According to the World Health Organization, nearly half of all births in China are delivered by cesarean section. Experts say Chinese mothers would feel more comfortable about natural childbirth if their doctors switched from forceps to chopsticks.

Pope Benedict XVI met with the woman who knocked him over at St. Peter's Basilica during Christmas Eve Mass and forgave her. He didn’t want to forgive her but his PR guy said it would be accepted better than an exorcism.

Rumors are flying that Tiger Woods has checked into an Arizona sex rehab center. It’s called the “Stop Thinking About Betty Ford Clinic.”

Hugh Hefner has broken up with the 20-year-old Shannon Twins and is down to one girlfriend, 23-year-old Crystal Harris. They got the news when Hef put two-thirds of his Viagra collection up for sale on eBay.

After seeing the movie ‘Avatar,’ some people who are upset because their real lives are nothing like Pandora are becoming depressed and even suicidal. Psychologists suggest that people who feel this way should immediately buy another ticket and go see “The Hangover.”

The Vatican’s official newspaper and radio station reviewed ‘Avatar’ and called it bland, simplistic and sappy. In other words, the kind of movie the pope thinks Catholics should see.

Researchers in Italy say the bark of a French pine tree contains anti-oxidants that may help patients with hemorrhoids. Unfortunately, most health insurance plans do not cover getting infested by pine beetles while rubbing your butt against a tree.

Paul Thurmond, the son of late Senator Strom Thurmond, says he may run for an open congressional seat in South Carolina. The 34-year-old Thurmond wants to run while he still has 66 good years left in him.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Cotton balls, alcohol and a giant eraser

Carnival Cruise Lines turned down a request to book a cruise with a “cougars and cubs” theme catering to older women and younger men because it was against their “family” image. The group plans to try again under the theme “aunts and nephews.”

A New York City cab driver returned over $21,000 in cash accidentally left in his cab on Christmas Eve by a lady visiting from Italy. Now the woman is looking for someone to launder the money for her … not because it’s illegal but because it smells like cab.

A Washington state blood center is offering donors a free brewski in a “Give blood, get beer” promotion. The biggest donor so far is a mysterious man with pale skin, sharp teeth and a large belly.

Fox has renewed the musical drama “Glee” for a second season. With Sarah Palin signing with the News Channel, Fox is now the go-to place for fans of Glee and Tea.

Scientists studying eye makeup from the time of the Egyptian pharaohs say women may have worn thick lead-based eyeliner to guard against bacterial eye infections. This explains why Cleopatra’s bathroom contained cotton balls, alcohol and a giant eraser.

According to a new survey, 57 percent of Americans approved of the way President Obama had responded to the botched Christmas airliner attack. The other 43 percent are currently in line to be scanned at the airport.

Population experts say China’s so-called "one-child policy" could leave 24 million men single by 2020. And by 2040, the Chinese language will no longer have a word for “lower the toilet seat.”

On a recent show, Rush Limbaugh made this comment about the late Senator Ted Kennedy: “It was Negroes that brought Ted Kennedy his booze.” If this was a game of Really Offensive Scrabble, Rush just got a triple-word score.

Simon Cowell says he’s leaving “American Idol” to host a U.S. version of “The X Factor” and it appears he wants Paula Abdul as a judge. To save money, instead of having three judges, Paula will be in charge of holding a two-sided card that says “Dawg” and “Pitchy.”

James Taylor and Carole King announced the dates for the U.S. leg of their upcoming tour celebrating the 40th anniversary of their first performance together. Catering to their fan base, the concerts will begin at 4pm, have frequent bathroom breaks and allow mumbling during the sing-along’s.

In answer to a question on steroids, former college basketball coach Bob Knight said, “Gatorade is a performance-enhancing substance.” Without Gatorade, Knight would have only been able to toss a footstool and choke a waterboy.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Playing in the Greek Open

Wal-Mart has begun charging 15 cents for small shopping bags and 50 cents for large ones at three stores in California. Shoppers who don’t want to pay for bags should just buy a pack of gum on the way in and stick everything together on the way out.

A group of Italian street cleaners are suing local officials for forcing them to use their own money to wash their work clothes. Here’s a tip to help them get their clothes cleaned for free: listen to the lyrics to the Beatles’ “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?”

Former child star Gary Coleman says the recent seizure he suffered caused him to twitch, jerk and foam at the mouth. If he can do that once a week, he could win it all on “Dancing With The Stars.”

Loredana Jolie, one of Tiger Woods' alleged mistresses, claims she saw Tiger have sex with men. Now we know what he really meant when he said he was going overseas to play in the Greek Open.

A man posing as a Secret Service agent conned his way past security at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. He got caught when the sun came through the window and he didn’t have any sunglasses.

The latest craze on Facebook is women posting single word messages describing the color of their bra. People not in on the joke responded with a flurry of rumors that Lewis Black, Betty White and Sam Nunn had died.

Ford is adding Twitter messages to its in-car entertainment and communication service known as Sync. Drivers using this are warned to keep a safe distance between them and the car in front of them of 140 characters.

On his radio show, Glenn Beck said that “African-American” is not a race but “a bogus, PC, made-up term.” Kind of like “rational conservative talk-show host.”

The rumors are flying that NBC will move Jay Leno back to 11:35pm. This comes from a recent poll of Tonight Show viewers who said that NBC stands for “Not Buying Conan.”

Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani said in an interview that, “We had no domestic attacks under Bush; we've had one under Obama.” Rudy then rolled over, turned to Susan Pleshette and said, “Honey, you won't believe the dream I just had.”

Portugal's parliament passed a bill that would make the predominantly Catholic nation the sixth in Europe to permit gay marriage. Opponents of the bill were unable to convince parliament that it will turn the nation’s official language from Portuguese to Portugander.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Replace the crutches with sporks

A new biography of Warren Beatty claims the actor and filmmaker has had sex with around 13,000 women before marrying Annette Bening in 1992. He and Bening had to buy new furniture when they got married because Beatty had notched every piece of wood to sawdust.

The Secret Service is investigating an effigy of President Obama found hanging by a noose in a building in Plains, Georgia, the hometown of former President Jimmy Carter. A 5.0 earthquake that hit Plains shortly after the effigy was reported was traced to an angry Carter grinding his teeth.

Newark Airport was shut down for five hours after an unidentified man walked into a secure area and then disappeared. Good luck finding him. If he lives in Newark, he’s not afraid of airport security or disgruntled passengers.

A ring of international left-shoe thieves was busted by police in Sweden. If found guilty, the sentence for stealing left shoes is 5-to-10E.

A judge in Kingston, New York, took the oath of office with his hand placed on a dictionary because officials couldn’t find a Bible. A Bible was not required to make it official but, just to be on the safe side, the judge tore out the page with the definition of “atheism.”

Pastor Rick Warren of the Saddleback Church in California posted an appeal on the church’s web site asking for $900,000 and raised over $2.4 million. Warren wanted to call it a “miracle” but his accountant asked him to hold off until he determined if miracles were tax-exempt.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says KFC is blocking its attempt to erect a statue in Louisville of a bloodied chicken on crutches. KFC says it’ll let the chicken statue go up if PETA replaces the crutches with sporks.

The New York City health department spent $32,000 in taxpayer money on a brochure advising heroin users on how to shoot up in a more healthful way. Step one is: “Find someone willing to trade you some smack for your book.”

Bulgaria has named an appliance for roasting peppers that country’s most revolutionary household device of the 20th century, finishing ahead of electricity, television and cell phones. Millions of Bulgarians are sending handwritten letters to the government asking where they can find these appliances when it’s not dark outside.

NASA scientists spent the sixth anniversary of the Spirit rover landing on Mars trying to help it get unstuck from a rut. Apparently ‘6’ in rover years is the same as ‘40’ in human years.

Rush Limbaugh’s doctors still can’t figure out what gave him chest pains that felt like a heart attack. Dick Cheney told Rush that if he sent over a 40-foot semi, Cheney would loan him one of his defibrillators.

Some Christmas trees in Arlington, Washington, were recycled by being made into food for goats on a goat farm. It’s more expensive than regular goat food but you save money down the road because the evergreen makes their chops already smell like mint jelly.

The 2,625-foot-tall Burj Dubai, the world's tallest building, has opened for business in the United Arab Emirates. The developer says it’s already at 90 percent occupancy, but the burqas make it hard to tell if it’s filled with female office workers or inflatable dolls.

A shirtless Tiger Woods is on the cover of the February issue of Vanity Fair magazine. If your local store doesn’t carry Vanity Fair, you can see the same picture by stopping any blonde on the street and asking to see her text message photos.