Thursday, January 29, 2009

Childbirth For Dummies

A spokeswoman for Mickey Rourke says the star of “The Wrestler” won’t wrestle WWE superstar Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania 25 in April in Houston. If Mickey wants to punch someone who’s a fake at their job, he can hit a couple pf judges at the Oscars.

Federal inspectors reported finding roaches, mold and a leaking roof at the peanut plant in Georgia responsible for the recent salmonella outbreak. If that’s what causes salmonella, half the city of New York is in danger.

President Obama's former personal chef has been hired to work at the White House. He’ll be adding some Chicago specialties to the menu, something the White House hasn’t seen since Hillary Clinton banned all sausages – Polish or otherwise.

The Postmaster General told Congress that massive deficits could force the post office to cut out Saturday delivery. Members of Congress were so upset, they immediately sent text messages to warn their constituents.

A San Diego judge declared a mistrial in a kidnapping and assault case after the defendant smeared excrement on his lawyer's face and threw it at jurors. The lawyer came back to the courtroom after cleaning up, but the judge sent him home because he still looked flushed.

A South Korean firm claims to have developed a new technique that will reduce the cost of cloning your pet from $100,000 to $50,000. If you can’t afford that, for 25 bucks Earl Scheib will paint your new dog to match your old dog.

Scientists at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory are trying to figure out why the Mars rover Spirit has been acting erratically lately. One theory is that the rover was so excited about finding Martian ice, it’s been doing donuts on it ever since.

Workers at the Denver Public Library found a woman giving birth to a baby girl on the first floor of the building. Luckily, that’s where the Childbirth For Dummies books are located.

A study of British dairy farms found that cows with names tend to be happier and give more milk than ones with no names. Unless the cow’s name is Bill, Chuck or Larry.

Twentieth Century Fox is working on a movie based on the 1980s TV action-adventure series, “The A-Team.” Word leaked out when Mr. T was spotted in Beverly Hills getting a Mohawk transplant.

A 56-year-old woman claims she’s comedian Jerry Lewis’ love child and want to take a DNA test to prove it. She began suspecting she was related to Lewis when she traveled to Europe and was only hated by half of the French people she met.

Madame Tussauds Washington DC Wax Museum will unveil a Michelle Obama statue in March, one of only three First Lady statues at the museum. Former First Lady Laura Bush isn’t one of them, although her husband offered to donate his ear wax for it.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

No One Will Stay In Room 43

The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a voluntary recall of Discount School Supply Jesus Fish Beads due to a lead paint violation. Discount School Supply Jesus Fish Beads also violates the separation of church and taste.

According to newly-released documents, former President Bill Clinton earned nearly $6 million in speaking fees last year, almost all of it from foreign companies. In an attempt to follow in Clinton’s footsteps, former President George W. Bush will be speaking this week at the International House of Pancakes.

A rare 1,800-year-old figurine that resembles a boxer was discovered by archeologists digging in Jerusalem. They could tell it was a boxer because the figurine was broke.

The Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Center for Elephant Conservation in Virginia announced the birth of its first calf born as a result of artificial insemination and his name is Barack. This is in recognition of the fact that President Obama is now the Greatest Show on Earth.

The Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Center for Elephant Conservation in Virginia announced the birth of its first calf born as a result of artificial insemination and his name is Barack. Even though the elephant is a male, some of the zookeepers wanted to name it after Michelle Obama because she has a nicer trunk.

Republican National Committee members in Washington for winter meetings are arguing over who hates former president George W. Bush the most. It’s so bad, the hotel couldn’t even got any of them to stay in Room 43.

The FDA continues to recall pet products containing peanut butter. You know your dog ate a bad dog biscuit if he goes to the toilet and can’t decide whether to drink or heave.

Rush Limbaugh continues to get heat from Republicans for saying he hopes President Obama's administration is a failure. Republicans in the Senate told Al Franken they’ll confirm him if he autographs their copies of “Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot.”

Wives and girlfriends of New York bankers hit by the economic crisis have formed a support group called Dating A Banker Anonymous which meets once or twice a week for brunch or drinks. They’re also pitching a TV show based on their current problems called “Sex and the Pity.

A pair of shoes allegedly worn by Governor Sarah Palin during her campaign for vice president sold for $2,025 on eBay. To show they’re authentic, the shoes came with a picture of Palin wearing them taken from Russia.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Help Save Mr. Peanut

One of Nigeria's biggest daily newspapers reports on the front page that police captured a suspected car thief who turned himself into a goat. I would have believed the story had I not been contacted by a Nigerian businessman who said I could make a million dollars if I made the same claim.

Rumors are flying that Starbucks may lay off another 1,000 people in the coming weeks. You know things are bad when your barista tells you to go around back where he’ll sell you black-market soy milk.

More bad news in the peanut butter recall. An executive from Planters begged President Obama to shut down Guantanamo before Mr. Peanut gets sent there.

A fan of Sarah Palin backed out of an eBay auction when he found out the look-alike mannequin he bought was once used to hang Sarah in effigy. Luckily, the Republican Party bought the mannequin and will use it to sell some of Sarah’s campaign clothes.

A Wal-Mart employee in Mississippi is accused of rolling back the price of over $500 worth of merchandise to $5.25 for a friend. Wal-Mart officials caught the woman when the smiley face over her checkout counter suddenly started frowning.

National Transportation Safety Board inspectors say they found evidence that the US Airways jetliner that ditched in the Hudson River hit a soft body. Out of habit, a number of New Jersey guys named Vinnie said they had nothing to do with it.

Katie Stam of Indiana, who was voted into the final 15 by viewers, was crowned Miss America. Randy Jackson wasn’t a judge but he thought her singing was pitchy, her pitch for world peace was wordy and her walk down the runway pitched to the right.

Middle East experts say al-Qaida is having a tough time getting followers to hate Barack Obama as much as they hated George W. Bush. For the first time in eight years, al-Qaida members are buying shoes that feel good on their feet, not in their hands.

Police in upstate New York seized heroin marketed in packages stamped with "Obama" in red ink. They also found tons of heroin marked “Bush” but decided it wasn’t dangerous since the market has dried up.

A 78-year-old man in England claims he has a working 40-year-old microwave oven that’s nuked over 150,000 meals. He’s never cleaned the insides so there’s only enough room to cook things that can fit in a shot glass.

An Australian orchard grower said the fruit bats eating his crops are so bold, even playing his bagpipes doesn’t drive them away. Now he’s been asked to stop because the fruit bats have been named the national birds of Scotland.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

A Labrador Deceiver

Caroline Kennedy’s political career isn’t over yet. Word out of the Washington is that President Obama will hire her to deprogram his daughters after they got advice on living in the White House from the Bush twins

President Barack Obama signed an order to close the Guantanamo Bay prison within one year. This marks the first time that a decision about the prison was made without first asking, “What would Jack Bauer do?”

For the first time, the Louvre Museum in Paris will have an exhibit featuring a comic strip. George W. Bush immediately accused the Louvre of copying the idea from his presidential library.

Ty Inc., the company that makes Beanie Babies, is coming out with two new dolls named Sweet Sasha and Marvelous Malia that it claims are not based on the Obama girls. And if you believe that, I’d like to show you my new Bigmouth Joe Bobblehead doll.

There’s a moving van parked outside the vice presidential residence even though all of Dick Cheney’s stuff is gone. This one was sent over by President Obama to take away all of Joe Biden’s joke books.

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton got a warm welcome from all of the department employees on her first day on the job. That’ll change the day she comes in and fires all of the cute chubby female ones.

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has signed with the William Morris Agency to help her get speaking engagements and book deals. Former President George W. Bush is looking for an agent to help him get on Deal or No Deal or Wheel of Fortune.

Russia’s Space Agency says people on the ground are in no danger from fragments that broke off of a Soviet-era nuclear-powered satellite. I’d feel better if the Russian army wasn’t planning to invade Poland for extra hard hats and helmets.

Word out of Cuba is that Fidel Castro watched the U.S. inauguration on television. Castro put in a satellite dish when he found out the Yankees had more Cuban players than his Olympic team.

According to the American Kennel Club, the Labrador retriever is America’s favorite purebred dog for the 18th straight year. President Obama is hoping to find his daughters a mutt that looks like one, which would make it a Labrador Deceiver.

Washington D.C. officials say 1.8 million people witnessed the inauguration of Barack Obama. The official count had been held up until they examined pictures to insure that was really Dick Cheney and not a mannequin in a wheelchair.

The National Security Agency has approved the $3,350 Sectera Edge spy-proof smartphone to replace President Obama’s BlackBerry. This phone is so secure, Obama will need ten passwords just to text in his vote to American Idol.

Steve Martin has agreed to make his 15th appearance as host of “Saturday Night Live.” He’s hoping to get Dan Aykroyd back to play Larry Craig and Barney Frank as Two Wild And Crazy Gays.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A Limo Driven Life

Passengers on the US Airways jet that landed in the Hudson will each be paid $5,000 to compensate them for lost luggage and other belongings. Actually, it’s $5000.25 to also compensate for the lost bag of pretzels.

President Barack Obama says it's time to begin “the work of remaking America.” Confused but enthusiastic Americans rushed out and caused the stock of Home Depot to surge.

Actress Kate Winslet says she spends so much time talking about Leonardo DiCaprio that she's starting to confuse him with her real husband, Sam Mendes. I’ve got ten bucks on Kate killing Leo in the first two minutes of the next film Mendes directs them in.

It looks like Rev. Rick Warren is hooked on the Washington political scene. After giving his inaugural invocation, he started working on his new book, “The Limo Driven Life.”

In Bloomington, Indiana, a 72-year-old man with eyebrows so long he brushed them each morning raised $1,600 for charity from people who paid to take turns trimming them. If Andy Rooney would do this, Jerry Lewis could cancel his telethon.

Italian customs police arrested two Brazilians who tried smuggling in cocaine hidden between packaged meat slices. Officials got suspicious when the drug-sniffing dogs started begging for bread.

A new study found that women faced with their favorite foods are less able to suppress their hunger than men. It could be because men can’t think about food until they first stop thinking about sex.

This peanut butter scare is getting out of hand. A man tried to rob a bank in Ohio by threatening a teller with a package of Nutter Butters.

Dick Cheney claims he was in a wheelchair at the inauguration on doctor's advice after he strained some muscles while loading moving boxes. His wife Lynne had waned him to stick to carrying boxes filled with shredded documents and let the movers handle the ones filled with bodies.

Christie's auction house is hoping a naked, pre-fame photo of Madonna will sell for as much as $15,000 when it hits the auction block next month. That’s assuming the only guy in America who hasn’t seen Madonna naked can afford it.

Protesters threw shoes over the White House fence on the day before the inauguration. President Bush didn’t get it. He thought the shoes were going-away presents for his dog, Barney.

A woman in Florida who failed twice to win elections for judge says she’ll try again under a different name. If this works, expect the Republican primaries in 2012 to include a candidate named Jeb Smith.

Police in St. Petersburg, Florida, arrested a woman accused of battery after she allegedly used a bagel to hit a man in the head. The man was rushed to the hospital suffering from bialy shock.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Do you want files with that?

Barack Obama plans to spend his first day in office attending prayer services at the National Cathedral, followed by welcoming hundreds of special guests to the White House. Then he’ll go back to the cathedral to pray for forgiveness for the stuff the guests broke in the Lincoln bedroom.

Sears is testing a new concept store in Illinois called MyGofer where customers order products online and pick them up at a drive-through window. Clerks manning the window will be instructed to ask, “Do you want files with that?”

A researcher at University College London used a mathematical model to determine that that women who postpone sex until after the first date increase their chances of finding a reliable partner. Sounds more like another report attempting to explain why mathematicians don’t get sex on the first date.

“Bride Wars” star Anne Hathaway says she would love to babysit President-elect Barack Obama's two daughters as the country's "first babysitter." Unfortunately, that job is already taken by Joe Biden.

The author of “The Chopsticks Diet” says using chopsticks helps you eat less and lose weight. The wooden ones also come in handy when you burn your copy of the book out of frustration.

The FDA is urging consumers to avoid eating cookies, cakes, ice cream and other foods that contain peanut butter until authorities can stop a deadly salmonella outbreak. Depressed conservative talk show hosts looking for anything to rant about are already blaming this on Jimmy Carter.

Oprah Winfrey says she’s “very disappointed” that former guest Herman Rosenblat lied about meeting his future wife in a Nazi concentration camp. How disappointed? She asked BFF Barack Obama to wait a few more days before banning torture.

Barack Obama and Joe Biden had a great time riding a train to Washington for the inauguration. Their favorite part was when the Secret Service dressed like Snidely Whiplash and tied bundles to the track that looked like Bush and Cheney.

Proof that President Bush still doesn’t get it … in his list of last-minute advice, he told Barack Obama to make sure he takes a lot of dollar bills if he visits the Gaza Strip.

Barack Obama’s new presidential limo from Cadillac has the license plate number “44.” That’s not just because he’s the 44th president -- it’s also how far the car can go before it needs a fill-up.

In Ketchum, Idaho, a 52-year-old woman is facing misdemeanor battery charges for hitting an opposing player with a hockey stick during a no-contact hockey game. She’s hoping the judge waives punishment after she finishes her 2 years in the penalty box.

Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers says he lost a ping-pong game to the Obama girls while they were waiting backstage at "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." That cry you just heard is the Bush twins remembering their ping-pong games with Karl Rove.

Did you see Tiger Woods at the inauguration celebration at the Lincoln Memorial? He left his clubs at home because he didn’t want the Republicans still left in town to mistake him for a caddy.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Raiders of the Lost Sponge

Ricardo Montalban passed away at the age of 88. In his honor, President Bush went before the American people and compared his time as president to Fantasy Island.

Britain’s The Sun tabloid newspaper apologized to Sharon Osbourne for a story that falsely accused her of overworking her rock star husband, Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy is now suing Sharon’s lawyer for winning the case.

Thousands of video applications have poured in for what’s called “The Best Job in the World” -- six months of blogging for Australia's Queensland Department of Tourism for $100,000 plus free oceanfront housing. If that’s what Australians call the best job in the world, they haven’t been watching enough porn.

Kim Jong Il, the leader of North Korea, has picked his third son, Kim Jong Un, to be his successor. Learning from the mistakes of others, the leader passed over his first son, Kim Jong W.

It was so cold yesterday in Chicago, Rod Blagojevich called Roland Burris to see if his new Senate seat was heated.

It’s expected to be so cold in Washington for the inauguration, the Secret Service hired two really small agents to cover Obama’s ears.

It was so cold yesterday in New York, for a change Bernie Madoff was forced to burn his own money.

The National Zoo in Washington issued a public appeal for bamboo because the food supply for the zoo's giant pandas is dangerously low. Not only that, the zoo can’t afford for the pandas to call out for Chinese every night.

Administrators at Monroe Hospital in Bloomington, Indiana, say one of the three numbers listed for the hospital in the latest AT&T phone book connects callers to a phone sex line. This explains why the hospital’s treatments for erectile dysfunction are way down.

A new study found that the 50,000-volt Taser stun devices police use to subdue suspects do not cause fatal heart attacks. That’s why police academies now train officers to chase suspects towards puddles, pools and hot tubs.

The Senate Foreign Relations Committee voted 16-1 for Hillary Rodham Clinton to become the next secretary of state, with only Louisiana Republican David Vitter voting against her. To show there’s no hard feelings, Senator Clinton promised that she’d giving Vitter a running start.

Steve Carell, who plays Michael Scott on "The Office," recently purchased a 155-year-old general store in the Massachusetts town where he lives part-time. Then he put it back up for sale when he found out it didn’t come with a Dwight.

Harrison Ford and Brendan Fraser are teaming up to star in a medical drama set in a hospital. I think it’s called “Raiders of the Lost Sponge.”

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Cheney Yelled Out Numbers At Random

A man in Atlanta says the economy is forcing him to sell his 16,500 square-foot replica of the White House. Maybe George H. W. Bush can buy it for Jeb to cheer him up.

A woman in England was shocked when her doctor told her she has two sets of reproductive organs. She was even more shocked when Hugh Hefner offered her a million dollars to do a double centerfold.

The White House announced that President Bush will go directly to Midland, Texas after leaving Washington on Inauguration Day. Bush was disappointed to find out he couldn’t stand next to Obama at the ceremony and yell, “I’m going to Disneyland!”

Unless he has reservations between now and Inauguration Day, President Bush is the first sitting president since FDR to not eat at New York's ‘21’ restaurant. Bush doesn’t like to eat at any restaurant whose name is highter than his approval rating.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer announced at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas that the beta version of Windows 7 would be available on Friday for consumers who want to give it a "test-drive." Then he went to a bookmaker and got 2-to-1 on a million blue screens by Saturday.

Celebrity Food Network chef Bobby Flay is getting his own radio talk show. If you can do a cooking show on the radio, there’s still hope for my radio mime theater.

Macy's announced it’s closing 11 stores in 9 states. I won’t start worrying until Macy’s announces that the Snoopy float in the Thanksgiving Day parade has been downsized to a sock puppet.

MSNBC political commentator Chris Matthews says he won’t be quitting “Hardball” to run for a Senate seat from Pennsylvania. He’s hoping his diction will convince Governor Paterson to pick him for the New York seat over Caroline Kennedy.

President-elect Obama says he wants to cut energy use in federal buildings. Too bad he can’t turn out the lights in the White House until he takes office.

In what could be his last act as president of the Senate, Vice President Dick Cheney presided over a joint session of Congress to count the electoral votes from the November election and formally declare that Barack Obama won. Some things never change. Cheney kept yelling out random numbers in an attempt to throw the count off.

Barack Obama is still fighting to keep his Blackberry once he takes office. Today he showed concerned Secret Service members how he can use it to ward off flying shoes.

A man in Fairbanks, Alaska, was arrested for allegedly urinating on a bouncer at a bar. As with all altercations in Alaska, the man was held for three days while the police determined he was not related to the governor.

Michael Jackson has signed a yearlong lease on a mansion in the swanky Bel Air area of Los Angeles. It’s more than Michael was planning to pay, but you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to find a mansion with a chimp suite in the back.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Frostbite Prevented By Shrinkage

Did you see the Oval Office picture of President Bush, President-elect Obama and former presidents Bush, Clinton and Carter? Obama appeared to be the only one who didn’t have his hands behind his back hiding the souvenirs he stole.

That’s the first time in eight years the average IQ in the Oval Office hit triple-digits.

Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Joe Francis, the man behind the "Girls Gone Wild" videos, say the porn business is doing so bad that they’re going to Washington to ask for a $5 billion bailout. Capitol Hill is pretty upset at the move but that won’t stop Flynt and Francis since both are used to getting a rise out of members of Congress.

Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe The Plumber, is heading to Iraq to cover the war for a conservative Web site. He’ll be heavily guarded to protect him from Iraqis who haven’t had plumbing since the war started.

The word is out that former Australian prime minister John Howard is the person keeping the Obamas out of the Blair House until the inauguration. Howard is in town to pick up the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Bush, which apparently doesn’t come with a cash prize that would allow him to stay at a nice hotel.

An inspector found that Chicago Public Schools employees paid $67,000 for 30 cappuccino machines for a culinary arts program and only three have been used. That’s too bad because Chicago children need to stay awake in school, especially during government class.

A woman in Ogden, Utah, spent more than a day stuck headfirst inside a vent at her home after falling in while vacuuming it. She would have been rescued sooner but the first person who heard her yelling “Vent! Eeee!” went to get her a large cup of coffee.

It's another girl for Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck. Mother and daughter are fine, but Ben is still recovering from hearing that the baby’s first word was “Gigli.”

Scientists studying the rise in ocean levels will use a robotic yellow submarine to dive under an ice shelf in Antarctica. The researchers will first spend a week practicing to get the song out of their heads.

President-elect Barack Obama named Nancy Killefer as his administration's chief performance officer, the watchdog for federal spending programs such as Social Security and Medicare. She must be tough … she beat out a pit bull wearing lipstick.

Oprah Winfrey says she gained 40 pounds since 2005 by gorging on bags of organic multigrain blue chips. She knew she was in trouble when she caught herself licking the TV screen while watching The Smurfs.

Jenny Craig Inc. announced that singer and actress Queen Latifah will continue as its celebrity spokeswoman for 2009. If she falls off the diet wagon, she’s already received an offer for 2010 to become Dairy Queen Latifah.

Atheists in England have taken out ads on 800 buses to promote their view that God doesn't exist. It’s a tough sell since tourists riding on buses speeding through London traffic jams are constantly yelling “Oh God!”

A male skier at a Vail, Colorado, resort spent about 15 minutes dangling upside down from a lift with his pants around his knees before he was rescued. Talk about a Seinfeld moment … the only thing that saved him from an embarrassing case of frostbite was shrinkage.