Thursday, January 8, 2009

Cheney Yelled Out Numbers At Random

A man in Atlanta says the economy is forcing him to sell his 16,500 square-foot replica of the White House. Maybe George H. W. Bush can buy it for Jeb to cheer him up.

A woman in England was shocked when her doctor told her she has two sets of reproductive organs. She was even more shocked when Hugh Hefner offered her a million dollars to do a double centerfold.

The White House announced that President Bush will go directly to Midland, Texas after leaving Washington on Inauguration Day. Bush was disappointed to find out he couldn’t stand next to Obama at the ceremony and yell, “I’m going to Disneyland!”

Unless he has reservations between now and Inauguration Day, President Bush is the first sitting president since FDR to not eat at New York's ‘21’ restaurant. Bush doesn’t like to eat at any restaurant whose name is highter than his approval rating.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer announced at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas that the beta version of Windows 7 would be available on Friday for consumers who want to give it a "test-drive." Then he went to a bookmaker and got 2-to-1 on a million blue screens by Saturday.

Celebrity Food Network chef Bobby Flay is getting his own radio talk show. If you can do a cooking show on the radio, there’s still hope for my radio mime theater.

Macy's announced it’s closing 11 stores in 9 states. I won’t start worrying until Macy’s announces that the Snoopy float in the Thanksgiving Day parade has been downsized to a sock puppet.

MSNBC political commentator Chris Matthews says he won’t be quitting “Hardball” to run for a Senate seat from Pennsylvania. He’s hoping his diction will convince Governor Paterson to pick him for the New York seat over Caroline Kennedy.

President-elect Obama says he wants to cut energy use in federal buildings. Too bad he can’t turn out the lights in the White House until he takes office.

In what could be his last act as president of the Senate, Vice President Dick Cheney presided over a joint session of Congress to count the electoral votes from the November election and formally declare that Barack Obama won. Some things never change. Cheney kept yelling out random numbers in an attempt to throw the count off.

Barack Obama is still fighting to keep his Blackberry once he takes office. Today he showed concerned Secret Service members how he can use it to ward off flying shoes.

A man in Fairbanks, Alaska, was arrested for allegedly urinating on a bouncer at a bar. As with all altercations in Alaska, the man was held for three days while the police determined he was not related to the governor.

Michael Jackson has signed a yearlong lease on a mansion in the swanky Bel Air area of Los Angeles. It’s more than Michael was planning to pay, but you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to find a mansion with a chimp suite in the back.

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