Thursday, February 26, 2009

Your job is now NoMo

Jerry Seinfeld is returning to TV as the producer of a comic reality series where a real-life couple involved in a marital argument will get questioned by a team of celebrities. I think it’s called “I’ve Got A Secret Lover.”

JPMorgan Chase announced it will eliminate about 12,000 positions as part of its acquisition of Washington Mutual. If you worked for WaMu, your job is now NoMo.

Dustin Hoffman was made an honorary commander in France's National Order of Arts and Letters. Based on his reputation for being difficult to work with, he’s the idol of all French waiters.

Researchers studying the 380 million-year-old fossils of armored placoderm fish have determined that the animals were having sex 30 million years earlier than previously thought. It appears that the male placoderm was able to bend its body so that it could kneel down and beg.

The United Nations war crimes tribunal in the Hague has acquitted former Serbian President Milan Milutinovic of committing war crimes. His first congratulatory call came from Dick Cheney, who asked for a copy of his notes.

An Arkansas state Senate panel has rejected a bill that would allow concealed handguns in Arkansas churches. This was a big disappointment to the parishioners at Our Lady of Good Aim.

Pro basketball Hall of Fame member Dave Bing is running for mayor of Detroit, where he starred for the Pistons. Bing is a safe choice since he got all of his sex and drug scandals out of the way while he was in the NBA.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is all over the Internet after someone noticed that his speaking voice resembles Jack McBrayer’s character Kenneth the Page on “30 Rock.” If Al Gore decides to run for president in 2012, “30 Rock” cast members Alec Baldwin, McBrayer and Tina Fey will have a lock on the presidential impersonator business.

A Chinese naval destroyer rescued an Italian merchant ship that was about to be attacked by pirates off the coast of Somalia. They got away when the racist pirates couldn’t stop laughing after hearing the Chinese captain say he was going to make them walk the “prank.”

Investigators have found that the son of Illinois Senator Roland Burris got a $75,000-a-year job from former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich five months ago. Burris claims it had nothing to do with him getting appointed senator because his son had to pass a rigorous exam before being hired to carry Blago’s hair spray.

Police in Michigan arrested three teens for stealing a safe full of antique money afdfter one of them tried to get change at a bank for a $1,000 bill. The teen was wrestled to the ground by the bank’s president who thought he had stolen the thousand-dollar bill from his bailout money.

The winner of an ice fishing contest in Wisconsin disqualified himself and returned the first prize pickup truck after he was caught cheating. Officials got suspicious when the frozen fish he turned in appeared to have had the bread crumbs scraped off.

At its annual shareholder meeting, Apple officials announced that CEO Steve Jobs will return to work in June. Anyone who doubted them was ordered to turn in their iPhones and iMacs and leave the building.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Toytanic

A spokeswoman for Simon Cowell says a comment by the “American Idol” judge that he wants to be frozen after death was just a joke. A disappointed Ryan Seacrest cancelled his orders for a gun and a life-size Frigidaire.

The Grand View Topless Coffee Shop opened this week in Vassalboro, Maine, featuring topless waitresses and a ‘no touching’ rule. It doesn’t bother the waitresses but the shop’s insurance policy doesn’t cover customers who slip on drool.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will play himself in “The Expendables,” a new movie that Sylvester Stallone wrote, directs and stars in. It’s the perfect film for Arnold since nobody can write dialogue for him like Stallone.

One memorable line from President Obama’s speech was, “We are not quitters.” This marked the first time since he was elected that he spoke about his cigarette habit.

Bad news for Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. After giving the Republican rebuttal to President Obama’s speech, he got a call from John McCain who told him, “I knew Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin was a friend of mine. Governor, you’re no Sarah Palin.”

Barenaked Ladies lead singer Steven Page has announced he is leaving the group after more than 20 years. He’s hoping to confuse even more people with his new band, Barenaked Transvestites.

A new study found that high humidity levels cause something called water vapor feedback that can lead to global warming. If you thought nobody listened to Al Gore before, wait until he starts telling us we have to take cold showers.

The state Personnel Board in Alaska says Governor Sarah Palin has agreed to reimburse the state nearly $7,000 for trips taken by her children in 2007 and 2008. The kids also have to return the T-shirts they got that say, “I’d Rather Be Traveling With Tina Fey.”

Housing officials in India are trying to help two of the child stars from the Oscar-winning film “Slumdog Millionaire” find nicer places to live. They’re working with Ty Pennington who’s developing a new Indian show called “Extreme Makeover: Box Edition.”

Toyota’s management has rented a ship in Malmo, Sweden, to store 2,500 unsold cars it cannot sell due to the poor economy. What’s worse, they changed the ship’s name to the Toytanic and told the captain to go play in some icebergs.

President Obama has chosen former Washington Governor Gary Locke as his third nominee for Commerce Secretary. Before picking him, Obama had his Wall Street and oil industry connections investigated, and everything checked out with Locke’s stocks and barrels.

First Lady Michelle Obama has revealed that the White House dog will be a Portuguese Water dog. They’ll be getting the dog in April once the White House is Portuguese water-proofed.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Slum-Dodge Millionaire

President appointed a former Secret Service agent to oversee the $787 billion economic stimulus plan. His main job will be to throw himself between the money and Republican senators who didn’t support it.

According to the Neilson Company, the average American older than 2 years watched television for 151 hours per month in the fourth quarter, a new record. The number would have been even higher, but Neilson doesn’t count people who fell asleep watching The Tonight Show.

A New York City bartender honored the Academy Awards with a $1,000 cocktail. I think it’s called the Slum-grog Millionaire.

At a Buddhist temple in Japan, about 9,000 men wearing nothing but loincloths fought for two pieces of sacred wood in order to be proclaimed the “man of fortune for the year.” Back before they banned booze in the clubhouse, that’s also how the Yankees celebrated the start of spring training.

A Web site that sells hair says the number of people trying to sell their locks has quadrupled during the last year because of the economy. You know things are bad when Bill Gates is replaced as the World’s Richest Man by a guy who sweeps floors at Supercuts.

Former President Bill Clinton and his former Vice President, Al Gore, were the featured speakers at a clean energy conference. It was just like old times as Gore put everyone to sleep and Clinton couldn’t get pulled away from the models in the solar-powered tanning booths.

Preliminary results showed that ratings for this year's Academy Awards were up 6 percent over last year, but it was still the third least-watched Oscars show ever. As a result, Hugh Jackman is no longer being considered for the lead in “The Billy Crystal Story.”

American Express is offering $300 to customers who cancel their cards as a way to “simplify” their finances. American Express will pay for the buyout by selling the customer names to the Democratic Party.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to the Supreme Court bench this week for the first time since undergoing pancreatic cancer surgery earlier this month. Out of habit, Chief Justice John Roberts screwed up his first “welcome back” speech and had to do it again with no reporters around.

Did you see all the celebrations in the slums of India after "Slumdog Millionaire" won eight Oscars? President Obama is thinking about doing the same thing for Detroit by replacing his Chrysler bailout with funding for a movie called Slum-Dodge Millionaire.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Mexican name of the company is Jershey

A woman in Kansas City was uninjured after a bullet fired at her got tangled in her hair weave. She’s now on her way to New York where she’s been hired as a personal hairdresser to Donald Trump.

Mexican have captured an Austrian woman accused of stalking “CSI: Miami” star David Caruso. It wasn’t too hard to find her since she’s the only person in Mexico who knows all of the words to “Won't Get Fooled Again

Federal officials charged Texas billionaire Sir Allen Stanford with fraud for selling $8 billion in phony CDs from his bank in Antigua, the country which made him a knight. He won’t get much help from Antigua since its only other knight is a guy with a plastic Jedi laser sword.

In Montana, an inmate filed a $10 million federal lawsuit alleging guards interfered with his satanic religious practices while he was in jail. Unfortunately, he couldn’t show them in his book of satanic rituals where the devil requires being worshiped with files, shovels and skeleton keys.

Shareholders of the computer security company Aladdin Knowledge Systems have approved its acquisition by an investor group. Aladdin shareholders get $160 million in return for giving up the company and one of the three wishes from the genie in the lamp.

Tiger Woods is returning to the professional golf tour next week in the Accenture Match Play Championship. For those not familiar with the term, “match” play is when the other players use a match to burn their scorecards after losing to Tiger.

Former president Bill Clinton says he wishes President Obama would be more hopeful about the economy. And Obama wishes Clinton would be less hopeful about getting invited to a White House cocktail party.

A drag queen was elected homecoming queen at George Mason University in Virginia. The election offended many people, including George Mason alumni, guys named George and the Masons.

Experts are analyzing a grainy photograph taken from a helicopter of what appears to be a 100-foot snake in a river in Borneo. They’re trying to determine if it’s real or just photoshopped image of a porn star sitting in his bathtub.

A bag of Woolworths candy from one of the stores that closed in England last year sold on eBay for more than $20,000. Not surprisingly, the winner said he planned to eat it while sitting at home alone watching “Star Trek” reruns.

Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy, who just turned 77, said in an interview that it’s premature to eulogize him or write his obituary. Being a Kennedy, he’s hoping reporters will get a chance to write about one more sex scandal first.

Singer Clay Aiken announced he’s ended his contract with RCA Records. He was upset that the company refused to change its name to RCGay.

Engineers have confirmed that New York's No. 2 subway train plays the opening notes of “Somewhere” from the musical "West Side Story" when the cars start moving. Now they’re checking a report that the brakes squealing when the train stops is actually Stanley from “Streetcar Named Desire” yelling “Stellaaaa!”

Former President George W. Bush visited the Dallas hardware store that jokingly made him a job offer to work there as a greeter. The former president said he wasn’t mad but the hardware store’s owner got a little nervous when Bush picked up some screws and asked to see the man’s thumbs.

Hershey has closed the plant in Reading, Pennsylvania that made York Peppermint Patties and moved production to Mexico. You’ll be able to easily spot the Mexican candies because the Mexican name of the company is Jershey.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Sharks avoiding people with peanut-butter breath

The California legislature finally passed a budget for Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to sign. Arnold will sign it as soon as he finishes writing notes of apology to every legislator her called a “girly man.”

Ken Griffey Jr. has decided to return to the Seattle Mariners for one more season. His contract calls for a base salary of $2 million, plus incentive bonuses for home runs, game-winning hits and number of rumors he can start about steroid-using Yankees.

President Barack Obama met with Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper on his first foreign trip as president. The biggest issue they discussed was finding a way to get Canada out from between the U.S. and Sarah Palin.

The American Civil Liberties Union has sued on behalf of a man whose company name - “I Choose Hell Productions” - was rejected by the state of Pennsylvania. He came up with that name after the state rejected his first choice: “I Choose To Invest With Bernie Madoff.”

Oreste Lionello, a film dubber who was Italy's “voice” of Woody Allen, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellars and other actors, died in Rome at the age of 81. Always the dubber, his last words were in Allen’s voice: “I told you I was sick.”

Sen. John Kerry visited the Gaza Strip but didn’t meet with anyone from Hamas. In a re-creation of his loss to George W. Bush, no one seemed to be offended.

Kyrgyzstan's parliament voted to close the only U.S. air base in Central Asia. Kyrgyzstan residents were tired of U.S. officials referring to the base as Fort Whatchamacallit.

More bad news for Illinois Sen. Roland Burris. He was spotted scraping a bumper sticker off of his car that read, “What Would Blagojevich Do?”

The director of the International Shark Attack File reports that shark attacks dropped to the lowest level in five years in 2008. The number is expected to drop even lower in 2009 as sharks start avoiding people with peanut-butter breath.

Morgan Fairchild says Travis, the chimpanzee shot and killed after attacking a woman, was a delight to work with on their Old Navy commercials. In fact, she’d work with him before she’d work with Jon Lovitz, who claimed to have seen her naked.

Two elephants at the St. Louis Zoo have been diagnosed with herpes. This could be just what the Republican Party needs to finally dump the elephant as its mascot in favor of Rush Limbaugh.

Geronimo's descendants are suing Yale University’s famous Skull and Bones secret society for allegedly stealing the remains of the legendary Apache leader in 1918 and keeping them in its clubhouse. No Skull and Bones members would confirm it, but former President George W. Bush was rumored to have choked on a pretzel while watching a Redskins game.

A recently uncovered British dossier details a World War II prisoner's account of Adolf Hitler's "uncouth" table manners, including a tendency to pass gas. No one dared complain because the Fuhrer passed gas to the tune of the German national anthem.

UBS, Switzerland’s largest bank, has agreed to reveal the names of wealthy Americans whom the authorities suspect of using offshore accounts to evade taxes. In a related story, a water pressure drop on Wall Street was attributed to thousands of angry customers flushing vintage bottles of Swiss Miss.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Bagels big enough to sit on

President Obama unveiled his plan to spend $75 billion in an effort to prevent up to 9 million Americans from losing their homes. This is a drastic change from President Bush’s plan to help Americans from losing their homes, which was to tell them to write down the address and put it in a safe place.

General Motors says it needs $18 billion more from the Treasury Department in order to lay off 47,000 workers. What are they making the pink slips out of, gold leaf?

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton visited Jakarta, Indonesia, the childhood home of President Barack Obama. She could tell they were a little disappointed to see her instead because everyone was wearing shirts that read, “Our homeboy went to Washington and all we got was this lousy Clinton.”

To help his re-election campaign, the mayor of Pittsburgh spent more than $250,000 to buy 250 new trash cans with his name on them. If you ask me, I’d rather vote for the guy who offered to buy a six-pack for any garbage truck driver who accidentally backed over one.

A woman in Salt Lake City managed to catch a man who broke into a co-worker’s car by giving him a wedgie and holding him until the cops arrived. The man’s lawyer asked the judge to release him from jail for his own safely because the wedgie makes him walk funny.

A&E has picked up a new reality series called “Hammertime” starring '90s rapper MC Hammer. Viewers are advised to adjust the sound during the show to tune out the sound of A&E executives scraping the bottom of a barrel.

Madonna is dating a 22-year-old model whose 50-year-old grandmother is one year younger than his new girlfriend. It didn’t really bother Madonna until he asked her not to give him a five-dollar check for his birthday.

Alaska state officials say Governor Sarah Palin must pay income taxes on thousands of dollars in expense money she received while living at her Wasilla home instead of at the state capitol. Things are getting so bad for Palin, Tina Fey’s bodyguard advised her to stop wearing glasses.

A Pennsylvania dog groomer is facing animal cruelty charges for selling “gothic kittens: with ear, neck and tail piercings. The heavily-ringed cats were popular with Goths and people who also owned pet birds.

Astronomers are tracking a greenish backward-flying comet called Lulin as it zips by Earth this month. Since it’s green and going in the wrong direction, Republicans are pushing it as the new mascot of the Democratic Party.

The Food and Drug Administration continues to add more peanut products to its recall list. On the positive side, death row inmates say they’re now allowed to have as much peanut butter as they want for their last meal.

Police in Brisbane, Australia, say a fight on a night club dance floor ended when one man bit a chunk out of another man’s nose. When will people learn that nobody should request disco songs anymore?

The Vermont Country Store, a popular Vermont chain, has angered some regular customers by adding vibrators, sex creams and "instructional" sex videos to its inventory. If they don’t pull the sex products, some customers are threatening to climb up on the store’s sign and change the name to “Ver-‘mount’.”

Ten Jewish women ranging in age from 89 to 96 are preparing for their bat mitzvahs at a synagogue in Beachwood, Ohio. The ceremony is the same as if the elderly ladies were 12, but the party afterwards will serve bagels big enough to sit on.

Goodyear Tire & Rubber laid off nearly 5,000 workers this week. As part of a special deal, the unemployed rubber workers will be allowed to punch anyone who tells them not to worry because things will bounce back.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

‘Grande’ theft

The Kentucky legislature is working to give Speedway Motorsports a major tax break if the company can bring a NASCAR Sprint Cup race to Kentucky Speedway. In an attempt to get a tax break of its own, the Kentucky Derby has promised to allow crashes, tailgating and advertising on the horses.

Texas Governor Rick Perry said in a speech that he’s going to be cautious about taking money from the federal economic stimulus package. Then he was interrupted by an aide who apologized for telling him it was April 1st.

The hot product at the New York Toy Fair is a $99.95 “Smash-Me Bernie” doll that’s dressed in a devil-red suit and comes with a hammer suitable for smashing. To make it really authentic, spend another 50 bucks and put in on top of a Lego pyramid.

A jewelry salesman was robbed of $300,000 in gems when he stopped for coffee at a Starbucks in Parker, Colorado. Since the crime occurred on Starbucks property, it will be classified as ‘Grande’ theft.

A new study found that an all-natural nose spray whose main ingredient is capsaicin derived from hot peppers is effective for treating hay fever. What’s even better, one good sneeze after spraying can stop a robbery or break up a mob.

Bristol Palin, the teenage daughter of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, said in an interview that she wishes her pregnancy had happened 10 years from now. In a related story, Cindy McCain reports that she can heat three of her houses with just the steam coming out of John’s ears.

Conservative Christian leader Pat Robertson has joined those denouncing talk show host Rush Limbaugh for saying he wants President Obama to fail. Pat also wants Rush to turn gay so he’ll be struck by either lightning, a hurricane or locusts.

A 200-pound chimp that once appeared in TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola was shot and killed when he attacked a woman after being given Xanax. Apparently the owner misunderstood the chimp’s sign language saying he wanted Viagra.

Organizers say plans for George W. Bush's presidential library at Southern Methodist University have expanded to the point that it will be twice as large as his father's presidential library. According to the new plans, this will be the first presidential library in history that’s 95 percent covered parking.

Officials at a British railway station put up “No Kissing” signs to stop romantic riders from blocking other commuters trying to get on the trains. This wouldn’t work in New York since most delays are caused by other commuters egging on kissing couples to go all the way.

In Frankfort, New York, the owner of a bowling alley closed for repairs reports that all but one of the alley’s 150 bowling balls have disappeared. The crime occurred in spite of locked doors, daytime security cameras and nighttime motion detector security alarms, which means the crook had a lot of balls even before the theft.

A beaver has been spotted in a Detroit waterway for the first time in 75 years. Unfortunately, the beaver left town as soon as he found out that Detroit’s NFL team is still the Lions.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Smithsonian wants his eyebrows

BMW announced it is laying off 850 workers at its British factory which builds the Mini car. Mini workers immediately filed a grievance through their union, the Lollipop Guild.

So far, no one has been able to explain a fireball that streaked across the Texas sky over the weekend. Former President George W. Bush has been bugging the FAA to identify it because he’s afraid it might be his legacy.

Madame Tussauds Washington D.C. wax museum celebrated Presidents Day by unveiling a wax figure of Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th president of the United States. In honor of the last presidential campaign, wax figures of President Obama and John McCain will be kneeling at his feet.

A survey of 65 historians ranked Abraham Lincoln as the nation's best president, with George W. Bush finishing 36th. Bush is hoping to move up when his library is finished and visitors can see videos of him splitting rails, freeing slaves and reading “My Pet Goat” to schoolchildren by the light of a fireplace.

After 41 years at ABC News, 74-year-old newsman Sam Donaldson is finally retiring from full-time work. ABC plans to retire Sam’s microphone and the Smithsonian wants his eyebrows.

Defending champion Todd Palin finished a disappointing sixth in Alaska's Iron Dog snowmobile race and was met at the finish line with a kiss from his wife, Governor Sarah Palin. He would have done better if she had met him at the starting line with a moose gun.

President Obama has canned his idea of appointing a “car czar” to run the auto industry and instead will establish a presidential task force. That’s the last thing the auto industry needs – more airbags.

The Nevada Gaming Control Board sent a memo to casinos warning them to watch for blackjack players using a card-counting program that works on iPhones. Using a device to count cards is a felony, so at least you’ll have a phone to make your one call.

When asked in an interview about President Obama, former President Bill Clinton said, “I think he’s off to a good start.” Or did he? Witnesses who were close to Clinton before the Secret Service cut his microphone claim he said, “I think he’s got a good wife who’s hot.”

New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand says she and her husband keep two rifles under their bed to protect their home. One is for poor Democratic burglars trying to steal her money and the other is for rich Republican burglars trying to steal her job.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

No More Than Five Refrigerator Magnets

I’m not sure Brett Farve is serious about retiring. He’s been overheard having career conversations with the Eagles, the Rolling Stones and Barbra Streisand.

Police in southwest Florida arrested a man they say let his 8-year-old son drive his van for a “bonding moment.” It worked because the man is now out on bond … for the moment.

A Toronto mosque is offering Canada's first “12-step extremist detox program” to bring young Muslims back to mainstream Islam and away from violence. I think it’s called Allah-coholics Anonymous.

Nicollette Sheridan's publicist says the actress will leave her role as Edie Britt on “Desperate Housewives” at the end of this season. Expect to see her soon on “Dancing With The People Who Were Once Engaged To Stars.”

If you want to avoid that fishy burp from eating fish oil supplements, the Mayo Clinic Health Letter advises freezing the capsules before swallowing them. And to avoid potential lawsuits, the Health Letter warns that this won’t work if the fish oil is still inside a large frozen cod.

A study in Ireland found that Irish boys are on the average 9.1 inches taller and 65 percent heavier than Irish boys were 60 years ago. That explains a popular new song on the Emerald Isle: “When Irish Eyes Are Bigger Thant Their Stomachs.”

About 400 liquor industry workers and executives dumped bourbon on the Kentucky state capitol steps in Frankfort to protest taxes. The workers were asked to come back again the next time it snowed after the steps were licked clean by fans of bourbon Slurpees.

Queen Elizabeth II has revamped the royal website and now allows her subjects to apply online for jobs at the palace. The system crashed the first time she brought it up when it got over a million applications for her job from Prince Charles.

The Los Alamos nuclear weapons laboratory in New Mexico admits that it is missing 67 computers, including 13 that were lost or stolen in the past year. Officials claim no classified information was on the PCs, but they warn the people who stole them to wear lead gloves and ultraviolet glasses when downloading porn.

President Barack Obama may going a little overboard with his affection for all things Lincoln. On Lincoln’s birthday, Michelle found him in the Lincoln bedroom gluing a fake beard on an inflatable doll left over from the Clinton administration.

Space officials in Russia and at NASA are tracking hundreds of pieces of debris that were spewed into space when a U.S. satellite collided with a defunct Russian military satellite. No one on the ground is in any danger, although NASA cautions that for the next few months you should limit your refrigerator to no more than five magnets.

Netflix announced it now has more than 10 million subscribers. That’s the biggest milestone the company has passed since earlier this year when the number of Pauly Shore movie rentals topped ten.

The Department of Agriculture has confirmed that Africanized honey bees have been found for the first time in Utah, the Beehive State. The killer bees are expected to spread fast in Utah because every male can have multiple queen bees.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Testing Positive For Madonna

In northwestern England, a 72-year-old milkman who was caught delivering marijuana to elderly customers said he did it to help relieve their aches and pains. Officials got suspicious after he decorated his truck with a picture of Michael Phelps with a milk mustache.

A new report suggests that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for two anabolic steroids during his MVP season with Texas in 2003. Surprisingly, this isn’t expected to hurt his career as much as testing positive for Madonna.

In a speech to the annual Munich Security Conference, Vice President Joe Biden offered “to press the reset button” on relations with Moscow. This is the first time in eight years that attendees at the conference didn’t duck under the table when a White House representative talked about pressing a button.

Administrators at Leeds University in northern England apologized to a Ph.D. student for throwing away his seven-year collection of lizard dung. Isn’t that how all the problems got started at that peanut plant in Georgia?

A spokesman for Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele says a payment to a company run by Steele's sister was appropriate even though no work had been performed and the company had been dissolved 11 months earlier. In the minds of Republicans, this is the same as paying President Bush for his last year in office.

“America's Got Talent” host Jerry Springer says he’s leaving the series to focus on his talk show and a theater production. Not to mention the fact that the trailer park residents on his talk show have a lot more talent.

Scholars and voodoo priests say the number of voodoo practitioners in South Florida is increasing. They hope to convince believers that the zombies they see are just people staggering home from parties the night before.

Employees at a car dealership near Tampa are divided over whether an image that mysteriously appeared on a door is Jesus or Sasquatch. This is what happens when you teach evolution in religious schools.

According to a study in the Journal of Nutrition, an amino acid found in watermelon juice may help fight obesity. On the other hand, it could just be that some watermelon eaters burn off calories spitting seeds.

A number of people have walked out of Will Ferrell’s Broadway show, “You’re Welcome America. A Final Night with George W Bush,” after an alleged presidential penis is projected above the stage. That includes one man in dark glasses who snapped a picture with his cell phone, then headed for his library in Texas.

A 56-year-old woman has become the first female to swim across the Atlantic Ocean, a trip that took almost a month. Apparently one of her sponsors was Southwest Airlines.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Bob Eubanks School of Double-Entendres

Carnie Wilson of Wilson Phillips is the new host of “The Newlywed Game.” The new show premieres on April 6 to give Carney plenty of time to attend the “Bob Eubanks School of Double-Entendres.”

A New Jersey congressman is demanding an investigation after Bruce Springsteen fans were unable to buy tickets from Ticketmaster's Web site, which then redirected them to a site offering the tickets at a higher price. Bruce himself is so mad, he plans to visit Ticketmaster headquarters and slide his crotch into the security camera.

After getting criticized for misusing taxpayer-funded bailout money, Wells Fargo executives cancelled their luxury trip to Las Vegas but still had to pay some big cancellation fees. These guys are so dumb, they paid the fees with their debit cards at another bank and got socked with ATM fees too.

Wall Street CEOs are pretty upset about President Obama putting a $500,000 cap on executive pay for firms that take government bailout money. Things are so bad, a modeling studio in Manhattan is having a half-price sale on trophy wives.

A Minnesota man celebrated his 30th birthday by running on a treadmill at a gym for 24 hours nonstop. After he was finished, he got a massage, took a nap and then went home and freed his hamster.

President Obama’s campaign manager David Plouffe has agreed to a seven-figure deal to write a book about last year's presidential election. Who’s going to pay $29.95 for a one-page book called ‘Thank You, Sarah Palin’?

The BBC fired Carol Thatcher, daughter of former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, after she reportedly used the racist term “Golliwog” which was the name of an early 20th century doll resembling a black-faced minstrel. Thatcher now plans to gain weight, get hooked on painkillers and host a radio talk show in the U.S.

Elton John is closing his show at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas on April 22. After four years in Vegas, Sir Elton is tired of audience members yelling out requests for “Jenny and the Bets.”

Google has upgraded Google Maps to allow people with mobile phones and other wireless devices to automatically give their location to family and friends. This way you can let family and friends know you’re vacationing in Barbados without having to call and listen to them say “Screw you.”

Scientists in Columbia have discovered the fossils of a 43-foot-long prehistoric snake they’ve named the Titanoboa. They believe its massive size may be due to the fact that it lived near Mount Viagra.

Japan's Panasonic Corporation announced it is cutting many as 15,000 jobs and shutting 27 plants worldwide. More layoffs are expected unless the TV maker gets both a monetary and a plasma transfusion.

Al Pacino will play the title character in a new film adaptation of William Shakespeare's tragedy "King Lear." Pacino’s interpretation is expected to be the first King Lear who actually leers.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Jurors Gone Wild

So far Michael Phelps has escaped being charged with a crime for getting photographed hitting on a bong. However, the person who sold him the weed is being sought and may be charged with “contributing to the delinquency of a mariner.”

President Obama nominated New Hampshire Republican Senator Judd Gregg as his commerce secretary. Gregg’s fiurst order of business once he’s approved will be to figure out how much money the government could be making if it got a cut on all of the souvenir Obama plates, coins and bobblehead dolls.

Motorola posted a $3.6 billion fourth-quarter loss and immediately got rid of its chief financial officer. To add insult to injury, his golden parachute was a Motorola cell phone with only ten minutes left.

Philip Morris International, which sells Marlboro cigarettes outside the U.S., announced plans to start selling smokeless tobacco products around the world. This program to introduce gross spitting to the rest of the world is called Shock and Chaw.

Kellogg is recalling some Keebler cookies because they were made on the same manufacturing line as foods that might contain peanut products involved in the salmonella-related recall. You tell which ones they are because the package shows elves puking behind the tree.

Surgeons at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine who removed a woman's kidney through her vagina so she could donate it to her niece say they hope it will encourage others to donate. It’s already given Madonna an idea for a new music video.

The Boulder Police Department has begun a new investigation into the 1996 death of JonBenet Ramsey hoping to revive a cold case. I don’t know about a cold case, but it’s already revived the cold career of Geraldo Rivera.

An Australian man is facing charges after customs officers at Melbourne Airport found two live pigeons hidden in his pants. He was turned in by a lonely female passenger who misunderstood when he told her that if she covered for him, he had a pigeon in his pants for her.

Japanese makers of electric toilet seats equipped with warm water bidets have had to print fliers explaining their proper use after a series of accidents. The fliers point out that you shouldn’t try to extinguish a flaming toilet seat by having a sumo wrestler sit on it.

German scientists have discovered that elevated levels of a sex hormone during pregnancy may cause restless legs syndrome in women. They also found that elevated levels of the same hormone in men may cause something else to be restless.

Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, was the featured guest speaker at a meeting of the Conservative Working Group, an organization of Republican Capitol Hill staffers. Nothing like bringing in a plumber to remind Capitol Hill staffers that one of their main jobs is cleaning the Senate rest rooms.

“Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis was arrested in Los Angeles after he showed up five hours late for a court hearing in his tax evasion case. The good news is, before he was hauled off he got six names for his next video, “Jurors Gone Wild.”

A former worker at the peanut plant responsible for the nation-wide salmonella outbreak claims he witnessed a dead rat dry-roasting in a peanut area. What’s worse, he didn’t report it because he had dibs on the pigeon roasting next to it.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Slumdog Microsoft

The results are in. The winner of both the Most Popular and the Least Popular Super Bowl commercial was the one featuring President Obama plugging his stimulus package.

The Rev. Ed Taylor, the Smoky Mountains who estimates he’s performed about 85,000 marriages in Gatlinburg, Tennessee in the last 30 years, is finally retiring. He says it has nothing to do with a rumor that a polygamist group from Texas just booked a vacation in Dollywood.

Customers of a Tucson cable service say their broadcast of the Super Bowl was interrupted with about 10 seconds of pornographic material. It confused some fans who thought it was halftime again and Janet Jackson was singing.

Tom Daschle, President Obama's pick to head the Health and Human Services Department, said he’s “deeply embarrassed and disappointed” about his failure to pay more than $120,000 in taxes. Then he saw his shadow, which means we’ll have six more weeks of Obama nominees with tax problems.

More bad news for Michael Phelps. Today his favorite workout pool was tested and found to be filled entirely with bong water.

After the Steelers won the Super Bowl, fans in Pittsburgh started fires and caused trouble all around the city. In honor of one of the game’s top plays, police released drunks who could walk a straight line for 100 yards.

A George Washington historian says Martha Washington wasn’t always frumpy and was actually pretty hot when they got married. How hot was she? After the honeymoon, George had to get new wooden teeth because the old ones were singed.

Sanjaya Malakar, everybody’s least favorite former “American Idol” contestant , says this season's new judge, Kara DioGuardi, has revitalized the show. In spite of his comments, Kara still won’t give Sanjaya the name of her hairdresser.

The University of Cincinnati is holding a “Sexploration” week to teach students about safer sex. Students who were home-schooled during high school must first attend Remedial Sexploration.

Police in Tampa, Florida, arrested four men who allegedly harassed police horses during area patrols. Wait until these guys find out what the cops mean by locking them up in a “stable” environment.

An 18-year-old Boy Scout in Lincoln Park, Michigan, earned all 121 scout merit badges. That includes the rarely-awarded badge for untying over 100 different knots used by the rest of the troop to tie him up for being so annoying.

Two Stanford University physicists have successfully engraved letters so small that they could print a 32-volume encyclopedia 2,000 times on the head of a pin. The research was jointly funded by insurance policy printers and the makers of drug warning labels.

A group in India is working to produce a $20 laptop computer. I think the company is called Slumdog Microsoft.

Relatives of Bernie Madoff are so embarrassed that they’re changing the last names of Bernie’s grandchildren. I’m not sure that Scott and Megan Mygrandpasacrook is much better.