Testing Positive For Madonna

In northwestern England, a 72-year-old milkman who was caught delivering marijuana to elderly customers said he did it to help relieve their aches and pains. Officials got suspicious after he decorated his truck with a picture of Michael Phelps with a milk mustache.

A new report suggests that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for two anabolic steroids during his MVP season with Texas in 2003. Surprisingly, this isn’t expected to hurt his career as much as testing positive for Madonna.

In a speech to the annual Munich Security Conference, Vice President Joe Biden offered “to press the reset button” on relations with Moscow. This is the first time in eight years that attendees at the conference didn’t duck under the table when a White House representative talked about pressing a button.

Administrators at Leeds University in northern England apologized to a Ph.D. student for throwing away his seven-year collection of lizard dung. Isn’t that how all the problems got started at that peanut plant in Georgia?

A spokesman for Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele says a payment to a company run by Steele's sister was appropriate even though no work had been performed and the company had been dissolved 11 months earlier. In the minds of Republicans, this is the same as paying President Bush for his last year in office.

“America's Got Talent” host Jerry Springer says he’s leaving the series to focus on his talk show and a theater production. Not to mention the fact that the trailer park residents on his talk show have a lot more talent.

Scholars and voodoo priests say the number of voodoo practitioners in South Florida is increasing. They hope to convince believers that the zombies they see are just people staggering home from parties the night before.

Employees at a car dealership near Tampa are divided over whether an image that mysteriously appeared on a door is Jesus or Sasquatch. This is what happens when you teach evolution in religious schools.

According to a study in the Journal of Nutrition, an amino acid found in watermelon juice may help fight obesity. On the other hand, it could just be that some watermelon eaters burn off calories spitting seeds.

A number of people have walked out of Will Ferrell’s Broadway show, “You’re Welcome America. A Final Night with George W Bush,” after an alleged presidential penis is projected above the stage. That includes one man in dark glasses who snapped a picture with his cell phone, then headed for his library in Texas.

A 56-year-old woman has become the first female to swim across the Atlantic Ocean, a trip that took almost a month. Apparently one of her sponsors was Southwest Airlines.