The Toytanic

A spokeswoman for Simon Cowell says a comment by the “American Idol” judge that he wants to be frozen after death was just a joke. A disappointed Ryan Seacrest cancelled his orders for a gun and a life-size Frigidaire.

The Grand View Topless Coffee Shop opened this week in Vassalboro, Maine, featuring topless waitresses and a ‘no touching’ rule. It doesn’t bother the waitresses but the shop’s insurance policy doesn’t cover customers who slip on drool.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will play himself in “The Expendables,” a new movie that Sylvester Stallone wrote, directs and stars in. It’s the perfect film for Arnold since nobody can write dialogue for him like Stallone.

One memorable line from President Obama’s speech was, “We are not quitters.” This marked the first time since he was elected that he spoke about his cigarette habit.

Bad news for Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. After giving the Republican rebuttal to President Obama’s speech, he got a call from John McCain who told him, “I knew Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin was a friend of mine. Governor, you’re no Sarah Palin.”

Barenaked Ladies lead singer Steven Page has announced he is leaving the group after more than 20 years. He’s hoping to confuse even more people with his new band, Barenaked Transvestites.

A new study found that high humidity levels cause something called water vapor feedback that can lead to global warming. If you thought nobody listened to Al Gore before, wait until he starts telling us we have to take cold showers.

The state Personnel Board in Alaska says Governor Sarah Palin has agreed to reimburse the state nearly $7,000 for trips taken by her children in 2007 and 2008. The kids also have to return the T-shirts they got that say, “I’d Rather Be Traveling With Tina Fey.”

Housing officials in India are trying to help two of the child stars from the Oscar-winning film “Slumdog Millionaire” find nicer places to live. They’re working with Ty Pennington who’s developing a new Indian show called “Extreme Makeover: Box Edition.”

Toyota’s management has rented a ship in Malmo, Sweden, to store 2,500 unsold cars it cannot sell due to the poor economy. What’s worse, they changed the ship’s name to the Toytanic and told the captain to go play in some icebergs.

President Obama has chosen former Washington Governor Gary Locke as his third nominee for Commerce Secretary. Before picking him, Obama had his Wall Street and oil industry connections investigated, and everything checked out with Locke’s stocks and barrels.

First Lady Michelle Obama has revealed that the White House dog will be a Portuguese Water dog. They’ll be getting the dog in April once the White House is Portuguese water-proofed.