Bagels big enough to sit on

President Obama unveiled his plan to spend $75 billion in an effort to prevent up to 9 million Americans from losing their homes. This is a drastic change from President Bush’s plan to help Americans from losing their homes, which was to tell them to write down the address and put it in a safe place.

General Motors says it needs $18 billion more from the Treasury Department in order to lay off 47,000 workers. What are they making the pink slips out of, gold leaf?

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton visited Jakarta, Indonesia, the childhood home of President Barack Obama. She could tell they were a little disappointed to see her instead because everyone was wearing shirts that read, “Our homeboy went to Washington and all we got was this lousy Clinton.”

To help his re-election campaign, the mayor of Pittsburgh spent more than $250,000 to buy 250 new trash cans with his name on them. If you ask me, I’d rather vote for the guy who offered to buy a six-pack for any garbage truck driver who accidentally backed over one.

A woman in Salt Lake City managed to catch a man who broke into a co-worker’s car by giving him a wedgie and holding him until the cops arrived. The man’s lawyer asked the judge to release him from jail for his own safely because the wedgie makes him walk funny.

A&E has picked up a new reality series called “Hammertime” starring '90s rapper MC Hammer. Viewers are advised to adjust the sound during the show to tune out the sound of A&E executives scraping the bottom of a barrel.

Madonna is dating a 22-year-old model whose 50-year-old grandmother is one year younger than his new girlfriend. It didn’t really bother Madonna until he asked her not to give him a five-dollar check for his birthday.

Alaska state officials say Governor Sarah Palin must pay income taxes on thousands of dollars in expense money she received while living at her Wasilla home instead of at the state capitol. Things are getting so bad for Palin, Tina Fey’s bodyguard advised her to stop wearing glasses.

A Pennsylvania dog groomer is facing animal cruelty charges for selling “gothic kittens: with ear, neck and tail piercings. The heavily-ringed cats were popular with Goths and people who also owned pet birds.

Astronomers are tracking a greenish backward-flying comet called Lulin as it zips by Earth this month. Since it’s green and going in the wrong direction, Republicans are pushing it as the new mascot of the Democratic Party.

The Food and Drug Administration continues to add more peanut products to its recall list. On the positive side, death row inmates say they’re now allowed to have as much peanut butter as they want for their last meal.

Police in Brisbane, Australia, say a fight on a night club dance floor ended when one man bit a chunk out of another man’s nose. When will people learn that nobody should request disco songs anymore?

The Vermont Country Store, a popular Vermont chain, has angered some regular customers by adding vibrators, sex creams and "instructional" sex videos to its inventory. If they don’t pull the sex products, some customers are threatening to climb up on the store’s sign and change the name to “Ver-‘mount’.”

Ten Jewish women ranging in age from 89 to 96 are preparing for their bat mitzvahs at a synagogue in Beachwood, Ohio. The ceremony is the same as if the elderly ladies were 12, but the party afterwards will serve bagels big enough to sit on.

Goodyear Tire & Rubber laid off nearly 5,000 workers this week. As part of a special deal, the unemployed rubber workers will be allowed to punch anyone who tells them not to worry because things will bounce back.