Friday, July 31, 2009

The “tastes great-less filling” summit

According to a study in the New England Journal of Medicine, scientists in Europe used mosquitoes as flying needles to deliver a “vaccine” of live malaria parasites that would immunize the person they bit. Looks like we Americans aren’t the only ones getting stung by our health care providers.

The bomb squad was called out to inspect a suspicious package discovered outside Oprah Winfrey's Harpo Studios in Chicago and determined it was harmless. Oprah was so relieved, she ran around the audience yelling, “You get a bomb-sniffing dog! You get a bomb-sniffing dog! Everybody gets a bomb-sniffing dog!

Debbie Rowe, the mother of Michael Jackson's two oldest children, will get $4 million as part of a child custody deal that will allow the kids to stay with their grandmother. Rowe plans to use part of the money for psychiatric treatment to help her stop feeling so icky all over.

“Seinfeld” co-creator Larry David is reuniting the cast of “Seinfeld” for the finale of his current show, “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Based on how their careers have gone since then, the episode should be called “Curse Your Enthusiasm.”

According to a new poll, only 42 percent of Republicans believe that President Barack Obama was born in the United States. The rest can’t find Hawaii, Obama’s stated birthplace, on a globe because it doesn’t look anything like the flat one they have at home.

The House has approved an additional $2 billion for the “Cash for clunkers” program, which has already spent the first $1 billion it was allocated. Some of the money will come from recycled aluminum cans from President Obama’s new “Beer for diplomacy” program.

Researchers at Zurich University have found that people who live in the Swiss Alps have fewer heart problems than those living in valleys. They’re not sure if it’s due to the altitude, food or exercise from trying to keep from sliding down the mountains using nothing but a Swiss army knife.

Police in Michigan arrested a man who assaulted a female friend for refusing to sell him Park Place and Boardwalk while playing Monopoly. The man went directly to jail in a silver car and did not have the $200 needed for bail.

Swimming's governing body FINA has decided to ban the new record-breaking swimsuits starting on January 1. That gives swimmers five more months before they have to go back to using those painful eight-blade body hair razors.

After having a beer with president Obama and Vice President Biden, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Cambridge police Sgt. Joseph Crowley agreed to disagree. At that point, the so-called “beer summit” became the “tastes great-less filling” summit.

After being pulled over for a traffic violation, a woman in Georgia was arrested when police found $13,000 worth of methamphetamine in her bra. The cops got suspicious when her breasts kept trying to hide behind her back.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Hairy Governor and the Chamber of Senate

Because of the recession, brothels in German are offering customers the chance to sleep with as many prostitutes as they like for a single fee. If this were a porn movie, it would be called “Cheap Throat.”

Sources in the radio industry say Clear Channel has turned down Sarah Palin as a radio talk show host because it doesn’t think she can talk for three hours a day. They also feared what might happen if college students listening to the show started taking a drink every time Sarah said “You betcha.”

Last year, the Cleveland Indians traded CC Sabathia the year after he won the Cy Young Award. This week they did it again, trading reigning Cy Young winner Cliff Lee. If you’re keeping score, the symbol for this move is a “W” covered with correction fluid.

Michael Vick says he is getting close to signing with an NFL team. He won’t say which one, but umor has it the team’s initials are W-T-F.

The current Buick Open golf tournament will be the last one sponsored by General Motors. The younger golfers have been bugging Tom Watson all week to tell them what it was like in the old days when people actually bought Buicks.

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has finished his book about his impeachment and removal from office. He’s hoping to eventually turn it into a movie by calling it “Hairy Governor and the Chamber of Senate.”

The Swedish tax agency, which is in charge of Swedish baby names, has denied a family's request to have their newborn daughter named Michael after Michael Jackson because it’s a boy’s name. Following the same Jackson logic, the agency took away the baby girl’s favorite toy because “Blanket” is also a boy’s name.

Nine elderly men from a Virginia retirement community posed naked for a calendar to raise money for a local volunteer rescue squad. There were supposed to be three more, but the photographer showed up on the day the cafeteria served prunes.

Disney World has agreed to replace a toy sword and a toy gun taken from two young boys by Transportation Security Administration officers at a Fort Lauderdale airport. Now they need to give TSA a supply of Goofy hats.

Police officers in Calgary, Alberta – Canada’s self-proclaimed "Cowtown" – are turning in their police caps for white cowboy hats. The cops are just glad Calgary’s nickname isn’t “Beanie Town.”

Eight people named "John Doe" are on voter registration rolls in the state of New York. Seven of the men took the name as a joke while the eighth one only uses it when Hillary is out of town.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


A new study reports that the ultraviolet radiation from tanning beds is as dangerous as arsenic. The only thing this study accomplished was to inspire Judd Apatow to start on a new movie called “Tanning Bed and Old Lace.”

Commenting on his recent broken wrist due to a fall, Pope Benedict XVI said, “Unfortunately, my own guardian angel did not prevent my injury, certainly following superior orders.” This is the same guardian angel he blamed for not stopping him from staring at First Lady Michelle Obama’s legs.

Fox News Channel commentator Glenn Beck says he believes President Barack Obama is a racist. He came to this conclusion while listening to Obama’s last press conference using his Rush Limbaugh secret decoder headphones.

The front page of Israel's biggest daily newspaper is carrying articles in Hebrew written by Madonna under her Hebrew name of Esther. I don’t read Hebrew but I think one of them is about how you can get arms like her by pumping bagels.

Quarterback Brett Favre has decided not to come out of retirement and play for the Minnesota Vikings. The Vikings are now testing face-covering helmets that will hide a player’s identity in hopes of secretly signing Michael Vick.

Insiders in the radio industry say Sarah Palin’s representatives “have been quietly testing the waters to see how much interest radio syndicators have for her.” Palin will be a tough sell on radio unless they can figure out a way to broadcast the sound effect of a wink.

A Russian group has asked Madonna to dress modestly and sing a revolutionary song when she performs in St. Petersburg this weekend. Madonna is hoping they’ll accept her wearing a fur bikini and singing a Russian version of one of her hits, “Like A Frozen Virgin.”

Police in Atlanta arrested a woman for allegedly running a strip club in her basement. Neighbors started to get suspicious lat Christmas when she gave them all gift-wrapped boxes of dollar bills.

The mayor of Venice, Italy, called the police after he caught a tourist urinating into a canal. The man apparently thought he was in Las Vegas.

Microsoft and Yahoo! have worked out a deal where Yahoo! will provide Microsoft’s new search engine, Bing. In retaliation, Google is redirecting all searches containing an exclamation point to a porn site called Yahooters!

A study of 2,000 U.S. women ages 45-80 found that 60 percent of them had been sexually active in the previous three months. For a complete list of their names, check out the Twitter followers of Ashton Kutcher.

Some health officials are warning that college students need to take steps to protect themselves from the swine flu virus by getting two flu shots. University infirmaries are hoping to entice students to get the shots by offering them with salt and limes.

Flower and gift retailer has become the first company to open a store for its products on Facebook. They hope to target married guys who post comments indicating they’re guilty of something.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Chased by giant fruit flies who looked like Grace Slick

Olympic gold medalist Ricky Berens tore the back of his swimsuit in competition at the World Swimming Championships in Rome and exposed his rear to the fans. Everyone else was swimming the freestyle while he did the butt-erfly.

Scientists have discovered that the compound Brilliant Blue G can help heal spinal cord injuries but also turns the patient’s skin bright blue. That explains why the guy in the wheelchair on “Handicapped Parking” signs is never a Smurf.

Former quarterback Michael Vick has been conditionally reinstated by the NFL and can join a team and possibly play for a part of this season. Any team that signs him should first find a trainer who can tape both ankles and mouths.

According to a new study, a driver texting on a cell phone is 23.2 times as likely to be in a crash as an undistracted driver. On the other hand, a driver who is texting is 23.2 times more likely to have 100 Facebook friends there in minutes to claim it was the other driver’s fault.

Kim Kardashian's publicist says she and pro football player Reggie Bush have broken up after two years of dating. Kim was upset he didn’t list the number of times they had sex before a win in last season’s stats.

A New York man suffered second- and third-degree burns after his wife allegedly poured scalding water on his crotch for cheating on her. The wife was charged with assault and her lawyer will be paid for by the group Wives of Republican Senators.

New York's first Las Vegas-style wedding chapel has opened on the Lower East Side. You can tell it’s in New York because the Elvis impersonator shoves the couple down the aisle to make room for the next one.

Two U.S. scientists trying to learn more about human psychosis and schizophrenia are studying rats and fruit
flies that have taken LSD. In one test, the rats ran through the maze in record time thinking they were being chased by giant fruit flies who looked like Grace Slick.

Republican Senator and Baseball Hall of Fame member Jim Bunning announced he will not seek re-election to his Kentucky seat next year. Although he’s 72, Bunning feels he can do more for the right in Washington by becoming a right-handed relief pitcher for the Nationals.

Police in Milwaukee arrested a man accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of eyeglasses from stores because he enjoys being around eyewear. He stole more than 500 pairs of glasses, but his lawyer says he should only be charged for 250 since the second pair was free.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Early Bird Iguana Specials

Vice President Joe Biden is in trouble for an interview where he described Russia as a weakened nation. Sarah Palin said Biden has no idea what he’s talking about. She can see Russia from her porch and people ware doing stuff all the time, not just on the weekend.

The Octomom has signed up her family to star in a reality TV show that will pay each of her 14 children $250 a day for the next three years. The show is expected to be called “Hiding Your Money From Mommy.”

The woman at the center of a sex scandal involving Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi claims he offered her a seat in the European Parliament. Well, it wasn’t exactly a seat … it was more like a lap to sit on.

In a new book, Mary Jo Buttafuoco says she stayed with her husband after she was shot in New York by his mistress, Amy Fisher, because of their children. The got divorced in 2003 and she changed her name to “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Buttafuuco!”

The author of "The Iguana Cookbook: Save Florida … Eat an Iguana" says Florida residents need to start eating iguanas before the lizards overrun the state. A better way to get Floridians to eat them would be to open a restaurant chain called “Early Bird Iguana Specials.”

Press secretary Robert Gibbs confirmed that White House staffers have been blocked from using Twitter at work, but he doesn’t know why. President Obama has two Twitter accounts, but he doesn’t use them because he can’t even say “Hello” in under 140 characters.

Ashes from the Shiveluch volcano reached 23,000 feet above Petropavlovsk, Russia, recently. They’re so high, former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin has switched from waving at Russia to waving to get the ashes out of her eyes.

Researchers monitoring blogs have determined that Election Day 2008 was the happiest day in four years for Americans. They noticed a spike in the use of the word “proud” on that day, which either means Americans were proud to elect Barack Obama or proud that their chads didn’t dangle.

A man named Neil Armstrong has been getting hounded by autograph seekers and reporters ever since he moved to Cincinnati, near where the Neil Armstrong who was the first to walk on the moon lives. Poor guy can’t even jump over a puddle without some clown calling it a giant leap for mankind.

Sarah Palin is trying to get used to being at home now that she’s resigned as Alaska’s governor. Today she had a talk with her daughters about how quitting early is the best method of birth control.

After finishing third in the Tour de France, Lance Armstrong will return next year as a member of the new Radio Shack team. He’s pushing for some of the stages of next year’s race to be held at night because Radio Shack promised an unlimited supply of free batteries for his bike light.

An unnamed witness reports that Michael Jackson’s false nose disappeared while his body was in an L.A. morgue. That could explain why the readings at his memorial service had no nasal passages.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Law and Order: Special Kosher Unit

A female robot developed by Japan’s National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology made its public debut modeling wedding gowns at a fashion show in Osaka. The female robot model was so realistic, after the show she hurled a load of nuts and bolts into a commode.

A new poll shows that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s popularity is dropping in the U.S., even among Republicans. It’s also dropping among Russians since she’s been too busy to wave at them.

Polls in Afghanistan show that support is growing for Abdullah Abdullah, who is running against Afghan President Hamid Karzai. Karzai is trying to rally his America-hating base by spreading a rumor that his opponent’s full name is Abdullah “Bob” Abdullah.

British singer Amy Winehouse was acquitted of an assault charge for allegedly punching someone at a charity ball because most of the witnesses were drunk. Bernie Madoff is suing his lawyer for not thinking of this defense for him.

A California man is suing a restaurant after he allegedly bit into a condom that was in his French onion soup. The waiter blames the customer for not being more specific when has for anything that included “ribs.”

The owner of a Coney Island freak show plans to sue over a five-legged dog in North Carolina that he claims the owner promised to sell him. It’s not the owner’s fault … the dog got a better offer doing commercials for fire hydrants.

A New York Ikea that has been offering free ferry rides since it opened last year will now charge $5 each way. If you can’t afford that, for $2.50 you can buy a kit and build your own Ikea ferry.

Researchers at M.I.T. are developing a system using electronic waves that may one day charge cell phones and other electronic equipment without the use of wires. Progress is slow because the scientists get distracted by the buzz every time a moth flies between the power source and the phone.

A supercomputer that just started operating at the University of Florida is rumored to be the fastest of its kind. It’s so fast, University of Florida students using it can now waste four years of college in less than two.

Doctors in Oklahoma City have begun treating patients suffering from infectious diarrhea with fecal transplants … injecting their colons with human waste from another person. What kind of health insurance recommends this … Mutual of Enema?

Forty-four people, including rabbis and elected officials, were arrested in New Jersey and accused of laundering tens of millions of dollars through Jewish charities and of black-market trafficking of kidneys and fake Gucci handbags. This is already being turned into a new crime show called “Law and Order: Special Kosher Unit.”

The First Family will vacation this summer at Blue Heron Farm, a lavish $20 million-compound on Martha's Vineyard that rents for up to $50,000 a week. The president plans to kick in an extra ten grand to make sure there’s only black cops working that week.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

You can’t put lipstick on a Pig War

Time Square’s famous Naked Cowboy announced he’s running for mayor of New York City. You don’t have to worry about him sneaking off to Argentina because the airlines won’t let you fly in just your underpants.

The House of Representatives is considering a commemoration of the 150th anniversary of the Pig War, a conflict between the U.S. and Britain started over a dead pig. President Obama is against trying to make the conflict look good since you can’t put lipstick on a Pig War.

Gidget, the Chihuahua who starred in numerous Taco Bell commercials, has died at the age of 15. She eventually became a vegetarian because she thought the commercials were saying to think outside the “bone.”

Nordstrom, Inc. has signed a deal to sell an exclusive fashion and jewelry collection inspired by the “Twilight” movies. The jewelry looks like their regular line except the necklaces leave a mark.

Texas billionaire T. Boone Pickens admitted he took a slab of driveway concrete bearing his signature from an Oklahoma home that once belonged to his grandmother. Being a sentimental oil man, he also took a big chunk where he used to park his leaky Chevy.

According to a new study, Japanese researchers found that the scent of plants like lemon, mango and lavender reduce stress. Unless you’re getting a whiff from the stuff you’re about to use to clean the toilet.

First lady Michelle Obama and daughters Malia and Sasha took a tour of Luray Caverns in Virginia. It was part of a fact-finding mission to find places to hide from Joe Biden.

Before punching in to work, some railroad employees in Japan must pass a smile test administered by a laptop computer equipped with a digital camera. So far it’s weeded out grumpy employees and ones who eat Oreos for breakfast.

Following the death of Walter Cronkite, an online poll conducted by Time Magazine found that America's Most Trusted Newscaster is now Jon Stewart. Stewart received 44 percent of the vote, which coincidentally is the same amount of people who think Walter Cronkite was the husband on “Maude.”

Mark Buehrle of the Chicago White Sox pitched a perfect game against the Tampa Devil Rays. His first call was from President Obama, who wanted to know where he was when he was looking for tips before throwing out the first ball at the All-Star game.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Spudzi Scheme

In an interview on Thai television, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she’s not thinking about running for president again, but she wouldn’t quite rule it out. It all hinges on whether the rules get changed and the DNC stops paying for her campaign pantsuits.

Dick Cheney’s daughter Liz told Larry King she supports the so-called “birther” conspiracy theory which questions whether President Obama is a U.S. citizen. She prefers that elected officials be like her father … born in America and kept alive using genuine GM parts.

Actor Stephen Baldwin filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection claiming he owes more than $2.3 million. His only job prospect fell through when Tina Fey refused to turn “30 Rock” into a cop show and hire him as his brother’s stunt double.

Vice President Joe Biden was welcomed by the leaders of Georgia on his tour of former Soviet republics. It was a contrast to the visit from President Bush which went downhill after he started yelling, “Go Bulldogs!”

The Manhattan district attorney's office has dropped misdemeanor assault charges against Kiefer Sutherland for allegedly head-butting a fashion designer in a nightclub. The victim settled after Kiefer promised that, in the next season of “24,” Jack Bauer would save the world from ugly suits.

President Obama is still getting grief for the “dad jeans” he wore to throw out the first pitch at the All-Star game. His daughters asked him to change the date of Father’s Day to next weekend so they can give him some low-riders.

A California teenager has written an iPhone app called "A Note to God" which allows users to send their prayers into cyberspace. People who don’t have iPhones have to send their prayers to God the old-fashioned way … with a tin can connected to a really long string.

Police in Germany arrested a man for allegedly conning people into buying potatoes disguised as iPods, laptop computers and camera equipment. This crime is known in Germany as a “Spudzi Scheme.”

The Italian Coast Guard seized a Maserati convertible that two men had converted into a boat because it wasn’t seaworthy. This marks the first time this year that an auto industry bailout was accomplished using just a bucket.

Police in Virginia are looking for a gang of thieves who robbed at least five Kmart stores by posing as cleaning crews. This caught the attention of Kmart shoppers who were shocked to find out the stores are actually cleaned.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Simon Cowell’s lips move slightly every time her manager speaks

According to a new book, the Bush twins gave Secret Service agents headaches by sneaking out, speeding and bar-hopping. The worst part was when the agents brought the girls back to the White House and had to explain to their angry father why he wasn’t allowed to go along.

Paula Abdul's new manager says she may not be returning to “American Idol.” So far she hasn’t noticed that Simon Cowell’s lips move slightly every time her manager speaks.

Former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean has landed a deal for a book called “Still Standing.” Like her early pictures, the book’s jacket will fly off for no apparent reason.

Walter Breuning of Great Falls, Mont., is 112 years old and the new world's oldest known man. He credits his longevity to moderation, keeping busy and having electric candles on his birthday cake.

Tito, Marlon, Jermaine and Jackie Jackson, the surviving members of the Jackson 5, are in negotiations to take over some of the concerts Michael was going to perform at before his death. No terms were released, but the deal is off if LaToya comes along.

According to the latest polls, President Obama's approval ratings are down across the board. Things are so bad, he’s hired an extra Secret Service agent to throw himself between the president and a camera if Obama starts to sweat.

Police in Turin, Italy, say three nuns were caught driving 120 mph on their way to visit Pope Benedict XVI after he broke his wrist in a fall. The nun driving was fined $536 by the police and ordered by the pope to say ten Our Fathers and Hail Marys.

Dating experts say single senior Americans are turning to the Internet to find love. Online dating sties are perfect for seniors since they can’t see well enough to notice their date looks nothing like their picture.

Guinness World Records says a 150-pound cupcake on display at the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minn., is the largest cupcake in the world. It will be listed in the record book next to the largest Twinkie in the world … Richard Simmons.

Former NFL quarterback Michael Vick is finally a free man after 20 months in federal prison and three months in home confinement. He’s still under a restraining order to stay 100 yards away from dogs, people dressed as dogs and talent show judges who constantly say “Dawg.”

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin, the first men on the moon, told President Obama to focus on putting a man on Mars. Obama needs some incentive, like a promise from NASA that the men sent to Mars will be Republican senators.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Willard Scott in drag

Pope Benedict XVI is recovering after breaking his right wrist in a fall in his chalet while vacationing in the Italian Alps. It’s too bad it didn’t happen last week in Rome so President Obama could have laid his hands on the pope’s wrist and healed it.

A Los Angeles area man was charged with murder on the high seas in the death of his wife aboard a cruise ship. He’s being sued by thousands of novelists for giving away the ending of their book.

The Today Show’s Meredith Vieira landed an exclusive interview with "Britain's Got Talent" star Susan Boyle. The interview was shocking for a lot of longtime Today Show employees because Boyle looks exactly like Willard Scott in drag.

Newly-released documents show that South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, who often bragged about being frugal, used taxpayer money to fly first class and stay in luxury hotels. Sanford is planning a three-hour press conference to explain his love affair with wide airline seats and thick towels.

Former Brady Bunch star Maureen McCormick has signed up to appear on the “Access Hollywood Weight Loss Challenge.” Apparently, Marcia-Marcia-Marcia has been eating too many munchies-munchies-munchies.

TV Guide Network is working on a special called “Michael and Elvis: A Tale of Two Kings” comparing the “eerie similarities” in the lives and deaths of Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley. One eerie similarity is that Lisa Marie Presley, daughter of Elvis and ex-wife of Michael, thinks the idea is stupid.

A chocolate company in Switzerland has developed a melt-resistant chocolate designed to make eating candy less messy. The new chocolate melts at 131 degrees instead of 98.6 degrees, which means using it in the bedroom will require an electric blanket.

A new DNA study found that the rapid evolution of the Y chromosome carried only by men has led to a rapid gene loss that might lead to the chromosome's disappearance. As proof, the scientists conducting the study included pictures of Bruno and Chaz Bono.

Sen. Richard Lugar of Indiana became the first Republican to say he’ll vote for Sonia Sotomayor’s confirmation to the Supreme Court. Lugar was then forced to turn around to assure Democrats his fingers weren’t crossed.

The Coast Guard reports that an unidentifiable dark gooey blob floating off the north coast of Alaska is not an oil product but some sort of marine organism. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has volunteered to toss Levi Johnston into the middle of the blob to see what it eats.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Our Lady of Perpetual Tan Lines

A new Fish and Wildlife Service study found that one out of five Americans was involved in birdwatching during 2006, contributing $36 billion to the nation's economy. Unfortunately, all the money is gone because one out of five Americans was watching birds instead of banks.

Jessica Simpsom claims she was completely taken by surprise when boyfriend Tony Romo dumped her. She should have gotten a clue when Romo brought her the sports page and all the stories about Steve McNair were cut out.

Catherine Crabill, a Republican running for state office in Virginid in a speech that if the ballot box doesn’t work, “we have to resort to the bullet box.” Virginians are hoping she doesn’t find out that you have to take the bullets out of the box before they work.

NASA and a Hollywood film restoration company have digitally refurbished television video copies of what Apollo 11 beamed back from the moon and made the pictures look sharper. According to conspiracy theorists, now you can clearly see Neil Armstrong reading his famous “One small step” speech from a cue card.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is asking the Iowa Sate Fair to use a non-dairy spread instead of butter for a sculpture of Michael Jackson. Ironically, no one suggested using chocolate ice cream.

Police in Louisiana arrested a woman who allegedly stabbed her female roommate for requesting she not walk around their apartment in the nude. The cops rushed to the scene after receiving over 100 911 calls from the men’s gym across the street from the apartment’s open window.

A California ice cream shop is experimenting with non-traditional flavors such as beer, bacon and jalapeno. Beer seems to be the least popular, since it gives an ice cream headache followed by a hangover.

A woman in Italy preparing to become a nun is suing her ex-boyfriend to have a topless photo of her removed from his Facebook page. She found out about it after being heavily recruited by a resort parish called Our Lady of Perpetual Tan Lines.

The Sears Tower, America’s tallest building, was officially named the Willis Tower this week in a ceremony in downtown Chicago. The sign in front of the building is already falling apart because workers assembling it were not allowed to use genuine Craftsman tools.

New York Observer owner Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump announced on Twitter that they’re engaged. Their families won’t let them get married until Ivanka converts to Judaism and the Donald finds a yarmulke that won’t mess up his comb-over.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

That’s not a chicken Kiev Bruno has in his pants

Another ethics complaint has been filed against Alaska governor Sarah Pain, bringing the total to 18. She needs just two more punches in her ethics complaints card and she’ll get one free hour of bathroom remodeling from Joe the Plumber.

Republican Senator Tom Coburn sounded like he was channeling Ricky Ricardo when he said to Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor “You'll have a lot of 'splainin' to do.” Republicans accused the Democrats of channeling Lucy and slipping him some Vita-Meata-Vegamin.

Robert Redford married his German girlfriend Sibylle Szaggars at a church in Hamburg. You could tell the Sundance Kid wrote the vows because his answer to the question of whether he would love, honor and obey his new wife was, “The fall will probably kill me.”:

A New Hampshire man using his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes was charged over 23 quadrillion dollars. The man got a call from Visa letting him know it was a mistake and then one from California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger asking how he got his limit up so high.

The 2009 Corvair Society of America Convention was held this week in Jacksonville, Florida, to celebrate the car Ralph Nader called “unsafe at any speed.” The high point was the annual burning of Nader in effigy by placing a straw dummy of him behind a Corvair and turning the ignition.

The new “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” movie got a great review in the Vatican's newspaper. Pope Benedict is so excited about seeing it, he blessed a gallon of holy water to wash down his bucket of buttered popcorn.

The Ukrainian Culture and Tourism Ministry banned Sacha Baron Cohen's movie “Bruno” because it felt the film could harm public morals. The Ukrainian commission of experts came to this conclusion after finding out that’s not a chicken Kiev Bruno has in his pants.

A woman witnessing a bank robbery in New York gave a play-by-play account of it on Twitter. If you’re ever in the same situation, police say a better choice is to post messages to your friends on

Microsoft founder Bill Gates and some co-inventors have patents pending on sea-based “tubs” that can possibly reduce the power of hurricanes. The U.S. Patent Office is a little suspicious because Gates says the tubs must be made from iPhones and iMacs.

The Winn-Dixie grocery chain has remodeled and upgraded 51 of its stores in the North Florida and South Georgia area. Now they’re considering making the stores more appealing to people with low self-esteem by changing the name to Winn-Winn-Dixie.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Which one would conquer more Martians

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor survived her first day of questioning without too much trouble. The biggest problem was when a female protester started yelling at Sotomayor and before she could be removed, three Republican senators asked her for a date.

It seemed like every Republican senator questioning Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor compared judges to baseball umpires. You could tell it was getting to her. During the break, she asked for some peanuts and Cracker Jack.

Sacha Baron Cohen's raunchy new comedy “Bruno” had to be edited so it teens between the ages of 15 and 18 in England could see it. The British version is so short, it’s being shown with the trailer as a double-feature.

Even though he had an affair and his parents paid off his mistress’ family, Republican Sen. John Ensign of Nevada says he plans to seek reelection when his term is up in 2012. If Ensign doesn’t resign, he ought to at least be demoted to Senator Midshipman.

At the recent Young Republicans convention, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele said he plans to attract African-Americans to the party by offering “fried chicken and potato salad.” If Martin Luther King Jr. were alive today, he’d be working on his “I have to scream” speech.

President Obama’s favorite teleprompter fell over and broke apart during his recent speech about the economic stimulus package. The teleprompter was broken beyond repair, giving the president two reasons to be speechless.

NASA is offering college students a chance test experiments in microgravity aboard its “Weightless Wonder” airplane. So far, most of the applicants are frat boys who want to try drinking beer with no hands.

According to newly-released documents, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford's staff frantically tried to contact him 15 times while he was in Argentina with his mistress. They left messages on his cell phone, sent him emails and hired a blimp to fly over the Appalachian Trail flashing “Mark – phone home!”

Four Russians, a Frenchman and a German ended 105 days in isolation in Moscow on to simulate conditions on a manned mission to Mars. As expected, the Russians built a still to convert urine into vodka while the Frenchman and the German fought over which one would conquer more Martians.

According to a new study, cats have different purrs to signify when they’re happy and when they’re hungry. You can recognize the hungry purr because cats do it while scratching the word “tuna” on your leg.

Monday, July 13, 2009

The Fresh Prince of Beijing

According to her friends, Alaska governor Sarah Palin resigned because she’s been losing weight and her hair is falling out. Poor Sarah wants to run for president but she doesn’t want to do it looking like John McCain.

American Idol host Ryan Seacrest signed a 3-year, $45million deal to stay with the show. That breaks down to $15 million a year or 15 bucks for every time insults him.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney’s daughter Liz says she’s thinking about running for office. She won’t say which one, but her dad told her to make sure it has secret powers, an undisclosed hideout and an unlimited supply of water.

In her latest interview, Sarah Palin says shell campaign for Republicans, independents and even Democrats who share her values. So far, no Democratic candidates have asked for her help, but a few have called to see if she has Tina Fey’s number.

“Survivor” winner Richard Hatch, who's currently in home confinement for tax evasion, wants a judge to let him out early so he can be on the 10th anniversary edition of the show in Samoa next month. Why not just send a stand-in? Hatch spent so much time on the show naked and pixelized, nobody remembers what he looked like anyway.

Former Led Zeppelin lead singer Robert Plant was made a commander of the British Empire in London by Prince Edward. In a major faux pas, Plant left before the queen showed up to her do karaoke rendition of “Stairway to Heaven.”

News about the British royal family is now available via the new @BritishMonarchy Twitter account. The queen hasn’t Tweeted yet, but Prince Charles has already calculated how many characters he needs to tell Camilla he wants to live in her trousers.

Jackie Chan will play the wise kung-fu master and Jaden Smith, son of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith, will star in a remake of “The Karate Kid” called “The Kung Fu Kid.” That wasn’t the original title, but Jackie Chan refused to be in a movie called “The Fresh Prince of Beijing.”

Jill Biden, wife of Vice President Joe Biden, is recovering after having surgery to relieve her shoulder pain. She was given a local anesthetic … Joe stood next to her bed and gave a speech until she blacked out.

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo broke up with his girlfriend Jessica Simpson the night before her 29th birthday, forcing her to cancel her Barbie-themed birthday party. Jessica pitched everything but the Ken dolls, which she dressed in little Cowboys’ jerseys and bit their heads off.

Friday, July 10, 2009

That’s Mo Raven

After their first meeting in the Vatican, Pope Benedict gave President Obama a booklet on bio-ethics. In keeping with his practice of giving world leaders CDs and DVDs, Obama gave Benedict a copy of “Benny and the Jets.”

According to a new survey, most Americans value science, but they pick and choose which scientific findings they agree with. For example, while more and more Americans question evolution and global warming, virtually all believe you can create a volcano with Diet Coke and Mentos.

A 20-year study found that rhesus monkeys on a strict reduced-calorie were three times less likely to die from age-related diseases like heart disease, cancer and diabetes. The study also found that skinny old rhesus monkeys will hold researchers hostage for a banana.

Levi Johnston, the former fiance of Gov. Sarah Palin's 18-year-old daughter, says Palin is resigning as governor because she can make more money writing books and doing TV shows. Levi is the perfect example of why people move to Alaska … the Land of the Midnight Sun makes your 15 minutes of fame stretch out forever.

For her meeting with Pope Benedict, First Lady Michelle Obama wore a black dress and a long black veil. The Obamas aren’t Catholic, but this was Michelle’s way of letting the pope know who’s the Mother Superior at the White House.

Senator Roland Burris, who was appointed to President Obama’s Senate seat by disgraced Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, announced he won’t run in 2010. In a comment from Alaska, Sarah Palin said, “You go Ro!”

A TV commercial for Mighty Tape starring the late pitchman Billy Mays will start airing on July 20 because owners of the company say it’s what Billy would have wanted. Except for the part about how Miracle Tape works great fixing frayed defibrillator cables.

Film star Jim Carrey has confirmed his 21-year-old daughter Jane Carrey is pregnant with her first child. Jane says Grandpa Jim will be allowed to play with the baby provided he promises not to teach it to say, “All righty then!”

Raven-Symone's publicist says Internet reports claiming the star of “That’s So Raven” is pregnant or recently gave birth to a daughter are not true. However, if she starts developing a bump, the producers plan to change the name of the show to “That’s Mo Raven.”

A new book claims that author Ernest Hemingway was a spy for the KGB during the 1940s. Hemingway quit when the Russians wanted him to replace the marlin in “The Old Man and the Sea” with a sturgeon.

The 7-Eleven convenience store chain has named Winnipeg, Manitoba, the Slurpee Capital of the World for the 10th consecutive year. The highest ranking U.S. was third-place Detroit, where a Slurpee is more commonly referred to as “dinner.”

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Shoot a friend in the face while cross-dressing

When asked about her political future, Sarah Palin said, “If I die, I die. So be it.” Coincidentally, she said the same thing about what she’ll do when she finds her first gray hair.

A New Zealand Internet auction site pulled two postings by a teenager who was trying to sell nude pictures of his mother. There’s actually a site specifically designed just for selling nude pictures of your mother. It’s call ewwwBay.

Microsoft is warning about a serious computer security vulnerability in Internet Explorer that can allow hackers to remotely take control of a Windows PC. Bill Gates is trying to fix the problem before Steve Jobs hires the hackers.

Russia's first lady Svetlana Medvedev took Michelle Obama and her two daughters on a tour of the Kremlin. After viewing the well-preserved body of former leader Vladimr Lenin, Michelle told Svetlana she’d return the favor when she comes to the U.S. by taking her to see Dick Cheney.

Before announcing she was quitting as Alaska’s governor, Sarah Palin called former Vice President Dick Cheney and former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani. Based on their advice, she plans to shoot a friend in the face while cross-dressing.

J.Crew is using Sasha and Malia Obama to market some of its spring and summer styles. This is quite a change from the Bush twins, who were never used to market their favorite products in spite of often being seen with J. Daniels.

President Barack Obama met for the first time with Russia’s Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and it was much different than President George W. Bush’s first meeting with him. For one thing, Obama looked Putin in the eye and all he saw was a contact lens and some vodka redness.

President Obama is depicted in a cartoon on the cover of National Review as a proctologist putting on a latex glove. This is either a commentary on his health care plan or a revelation on how he scores on much taller guys while playing basketball.

Joyce DeWitt, the actress who played Janet Wood on the hit television series “Three's Company,” was arrested in Southern California and cited for drunken driving. The cops knew she was drunk when she was given one phone call and she asked if anybody had Mr. Roper’s number.

Zookeepers at the Edinburgh Zoo in Scotland recaptured a gang of monkeys that ran away during a transfer from one habitat to another. Loose monkeys are feared in Scotland since they like bananas and many male zoo visitors wear kilts.

The inventor of the Rubik's Cube has unveiled a new puzzle called The 360 which involves getting six colored balls from an inner sphere into matching slots on an outer sphere by moving them through a middle sphere with just two holes. Because it can keep people occupied for days, the Republican Party ordered the first two and sent them to Sarah Palin and Mark Sanford.

After 39 years, 77-year-old DJ Casey Kasem has done his final “American Top 20” countdown. He plans to spend his retirement learning to count past 20.

Monday, July 6, 2009

A second use for barstools with seatbelts

A 54-year-old carpenter in Wantage, England, accidentally cut off his own penis while working with a saw, but luckily doctors were able to reattach it. His story is being made into a movie called the Testicle Chainsaw Massacre.

The science-fiction network SCI FI is changing its name to Syfy. SCI FI Is expected to become the new name of the Fox News Channel.

According to a new study, drinking five cups of coffee a day reversed memory problems in mice suffering from Alzheimer's disease. The mice’s favorite brand was Chock Full o’Whats?

The group Little People of America has asked the FCC to ban the use of the word "midget" on broadcast TV after contestants on “Celebrity Apprentice” created a detergent ad called “Jesse James and the Midgets.” The protest has the support of other groups such as Snow White Was A Bigot and Munchkins Cannot Live On Lollipops Alone.

Former Washington Mayor Marion Barry was arrested in and charged with stalking a woman. Barry blamed the woman for walking around town with a hole in the pocket she carried her crack in.

The oldest known bible in the world, the Codex Sinaiticus, written in Greek in the fourth century, is now available online. You can tell it’s Greek because of the story about how Jesus fed the multitudes with five gyro sandwiches.

The low-cost Irish airline Ryanair is trying to get permissions to sell standing room tickets on flights where passengers sit on tall chairs that look like barstools with seatbelts. Leave it to the Irish to find a second use for barstools with seatbelts.

A Scottish man set himself on fire and ran 259 feet, breaking the world's record for running while on fire. If he works on his speed, he could become the first Olympic 100-meter sprinter to also be the Olympic torch.

A new rollercoaster in North Yorkshire, England, has a 112-degree drop that has been confirmed as the world's steepest. The ride makes you feel like a jet pilot, especially if you get drunk and fondle a flight attendant before boarding.

The latest TV show to be made into a movie is 1980s cop series "T.J. Hooker" which starred William Shatner and Heather Locklear. Shatner wants to reprise his role but no American auto companies make cop cars with tilt-away steering wheels.

The economy has forced Vatican Radio to air advertisements for the first time in its nearly 80 year history. The ad agency must be from AM radio because the ads are for tickets to see the pope say mass on “Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!”

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

A new whiskey-filled device called the ryePhone

Dunkin' Donuts temporarily stopped selling hot chocolate and Dunkaccino brand beverages after learning equipment used at a supplier's facility might have been contaminated with salmonella. I know salmonella can be bad, but don’t a lot of Dunkin’ Donut customers look like they could use a good puke?

A number of South Carolina sate senators are calling for the resignation of Governor Mark Sanford. Second choice is to have his head wrapped in duct tape until his term is over.

The Arizona Senate has given final approval to a bill that would allow people with concealed weapons permits to carry a gun into places that serve alcohol. Bars are already putting up signs cautioning patrons to ask for a Coors Light, not a Silver Bullet.

In an interview in a magazine for runners, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin says she'd beat President Barack Obama in a long run because he still smokes. She could guarantee a win in that race if she gave the starter’s pistol to Dick Cheney.

Michael Jackson's will has been filed in a Los Angeles court and it provides nothing for his former wife Debbie Rowe. Her name was listed in the section of Michael’s will entitled “Beat It.”

A number of Russians say they didn’t know President Obama is visiting their country next week. The Russian media is so tightly controlled by the government, it’s still talking about Michael Jackson possibly adding Moscow to his upcoming concert tour.

This year marks the 30th anniversary of the Sony Walkman. If you don’t know what that is, look for an older person on a bus listening to something twice as big as the box your iPod came in.

Thousands of casinos shut down across Russia this week under new restrictions that only allow gambling in Siberia. Most Russian gamblers say they don’t mind going to Siberia, especially the ones that have been to Atlantic City.

According to a new survey, most Americans would rather give up alcohol for a week than give up their cell phone. To capitalize on this, Apple is working on a new whiskey-filled device called the ryePhone.

A patent attorney say Michael Jackson held a patent for special shoes he used while performing his 1988 song "Smooth Criminal" that allowed him to lean over so far that he appeared to defy gravity. The shoes are popular at the Oscars with celebrities who drink too much before going up to give out an award.

Michael Jackson albums took the top nine spots on Billboard magazine's Top Pop Catalog Albums chart for the week ending June 28. As a result, a number of bands who haven’t been on the charts in a while are weighing the costs of bumping off a bass player.