Sunday, August 31, 2008

Nothing says the party’s over like mud in your bong

A Baptist pastor in Tuscon, Arizona, has created a Web site that claims "God wants you to have great sex." And suddenly, Cindy McCain begins to wonder why the evangelicals wanted her husband to pick Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin was the second person to know that John McCain had selected her as his running mate. First was the manager of the band Heart who was asked if he minded if McCain borrowed the song “Barracuda.”

The Wm. Wrigley Jr. Company reports that an Australian study found that chewing gum can reduce stress and anxiety. Unfortunately, your stress and anxiety goes back up the moment you realize you stepped on the gum you were just chewing.

The Environmental Protection Agency says that tire manufacturers and retailers have agreed to phase-out the use of lead wheel weights. The tire companies will be allowed to keep dead weights, which means the Michelin Man still has a job.

A recent survey found that nearly 30 percent of U.S. men think sex is better after their football team wins and 10 percent say they have bad sex after a loss. That could explain why overworked maternity ward employees in Indianapolis are hoping Peyton Manning’s knee injury is serious.

President Bush says there are signs that “our economy is beginning to improve.” Too bad most Americans believe the economy is beyond signs and needs a GPS system.

Sean “Diddy” Combs says he now flies on commercial airlines instead of in private jets because of the high cost of jet fuel. Flying commercial isn’t that much cheaper for Diddy because he has to pay extra to check all of his bling bags.

In a phone interview on his recent 50th birthday, Michael Jackson said of his career that “the best is yet to come.” That either means he’s going back to the recording studio or he’s finally found a nose he likes.

General Motors announced it will offer optional radios with USB ports for personal music players on some of its 2009 models. And to show how in tune GM is with modern drivers, in 2010 the radios will be able to pick up that new-fangled FM signal.

A dust storm in the northern Nevada desert caused some of the attendees at the Burning Man festival to leave early. Nothing says the party’s over like mud in your bong.

A local official in Australia claims he has proof the London killer known as Jack the Ripper is buried in Brisbane. More people would believe him if he didn’t also claim the guy in the grave was the first to say, “That’s not a knife … THIS Is a knife.”

Thousands of Harley-Davidson riders rolled through Milwaukee over the weekend celebrating the 105th anniversary of the classic American motorcycle. Residents say they haven’t seen that many people with potbellies and tattoos since the last Britney Spears look-alike contest.

Experts say a dead two-foot shark a Michigan man claims he found attached to a large fishing bobber in Lake Michigan is probably a hoax. They got suspicious when one pushed what looked like a button on the shark’s nose and it began singing “Mack the Knife.”

An aide at a branch library in Chandler, Arizona, revealed that the most popular bookmarks she discovers inside returned items are bits of toilet paper. As opposed to the White House where bits of books are found inside rolls of toilet paper.

Friday, August 29, 2008

A sexually ‘disoriented’ business

A woman sued Adams Township, Pennsylvania, for refusing to allow her to open a dance studio that featured pole-dancing exercise classes on the grounds it was a sexually oriented business. Female clients are defending her, saying that a few spins around the pole make it more of a sexually ‘disoriented’ business.

On October 1, Comcast Corporation, the nation's second-largest Internet service provider, will begin limiting customers to 250 gigabytes of traffic per month. This won’t cause much of a stir until Comcast translates it into a figure users can understand, like 1,000 porn videos per month.

In Brazil, an 18-month-old boy was treated for minor fractures after his disposable diaper caught on a security spike and slowed down his 30-foot fall out of an apartment window. The boy was kept in the hospital for observation, but his doctor allowed his mom in for a minute to give his Huggie a huggie.

David Duchovny, star of the Showtime series “Californication,” has entered a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction. His wife called for an intervention after he refused to stop watching “The XXX Files: I Want To Be Licked.”

According to a report in the journal Current Biology, researchers have found that the brains of flies are specially wired to avoid getting hit by a swatter. The best thing to use is a rolled-up journal with an article on swatters that momentarily distracts the fly.

Officials say over 84,000 people heard Barack Obama's acceptance speech at Invesco Field at Mile High Stadium in Denver. The only way to get that many Republicans to fill a football stadium is to have a halftime show featuring an investment seminar by Merrill Lynch.

John McCain surprised everybody by picking 44-year-old Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. I don’t know about Republican voters, but this could be just the thing to shock Bill Clinton back into the McCain camp.

Will Hillary Clinton’s supporters switch to John McCain now that he’s chosen Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate? That depends on how she looks in a down-filled pantsuit.

A survey by a British recruitment firm found that 40 percent of British office workers have had a romantic relationship with a co-worker. That number is much higher at British firms that have a company dental plan.

A Kentucky college student has sued an anonymous poster on a newspaper forum who said she had exposed herself to a woman and children at a mall by wearing a miniskirt that was too short. The forum now shows that the student has the support of thousands of anonymous husbands who saw her while waiting for their wives to finish shopping.

A Canadian company called McCain Foods is using the presidential campaign of John McCain -- no relation to the company -- in U.S. ads for its frozen potato products. The real McCain is thinking about sending Karl Rove to Canada to convince McCain Foods to change the product name to “frozen freedom fries.”

A woman in Lincoln, England, says her wedding, which is scheduled for next week, may be postponed after she swallowed a nail that was inside her macaroni dish. It’s her own fault. The possibility of nail consumption is why the commercial goes, “Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O’s.”

Thursday, August 28, 2008

196 flights is one cross-country trip

FBI agents arrested a blogger suspected of streaming songs from the unreleased Guns N' Roses album “Chinese Democracy” on his Web site. Now that the Olympics are over, he also received a cease-and-desist order from the Chinese communist government.

A judge in Texas ordered the father of actress and singer Hilary Duff to spend 10 days in jail for contempt of court. Ina related story, Britney Spears’ kids asked their nanny how far away is Texas.

An estimated 40,000 people threw 113 tons of ripe tomatoes in the annual tomato fight in the village of Bunol, Spain. near Valencia. Food experts call it the biggest waste of tomatoes since the invention of microwave pizza.

The Vatican is warning journalists traveling with Pope Benedict to Lourdes next month not to put bottles of holy water in their carry-on bags because it may be confiscated by airport security. They also warned not to try and avoid a drink fee by asking the pope to change free bottled water into wine.

Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps will host the 34th season premiere of “Saturday Night Live.” For sketches about the Olympics, Michael has already requested that the resident cast fat guy play Amanda Beard.

A new poll found that Americans believe Barack Obama would make a caring president while John McCain would be a decisive one. And in the poll that really matters, Americans believe that Michelle Obama would win at arm wrestling but Cindy McCain would win at mud wrestling.

The priest in Italy who was organizing a beauty pageant for nuns had to cancel it after local Catholic leaders objected to the idea. They wouldn’t change their minds even when he promised to use holy water for the ‘wet habit’ competition.

After getting complaints about a man taking coins from a fountain in front of City Hall, the New York Police Department said it can’t stop him because it’s not against the law. The man stopped on his own after being shoved out of the way by brokers from Lehman Brothers.

Southwest Airlines, the most profitable U.S. air carrier, announced it will drop more than 196 daily flights on January 11. Big deal. For Southwest, 196 flights is one cross-country trip.

According to a report in the journal Chemistry of Materials, U.S. and Japanese scientists say they've created ceramic dishware that will keep food heated by a microwave oven hotter for longer periods of time. It must work because the scientists were interviews while dipping their hands in tubs of butter.

The Dalai Lama is doing OK after being admitted to a hospital in India with “abdominal discomfort.” This happens every time he forgets his traditional wooden bowl and has to eat off of a china plate.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Olympic rowers holding ice picks

According to scientists at the National Snow and Ice Data Center, the Arctic Ocean sea ice has melted to the second lowest minimum since satellite observations began. It’s so low, Russia is replacing its huge ice-breaking trawlers with Olympic rowers holding ice picks.

A new study found that, contrary to popular belief, eating seeds, nuts, corn and popcorn does not cause the bowel disease diverticulosis. There goes the last remaining buyers for small bags of popcorn at movie theaters.

“Desperate Housewives” actress Nicollette Sheridan and singer Michael Bolton have ended their engagement. After Michael spent a few weeks living with her while rehearsing for a new CD, Nicollette realized that married life would be like living in an elevator.

Scientists in Israel are taking digital photographs of the Dead Sea Scrolls so that the 2,000-year-old documents can be made available to the public on the Internet. Luckily for John McCain, they won’t be ready in time for Barack Obama to use them to prove he’s the chosen one.

The Mars rover Opportunity is finally driving out of a giant crater nearly a year after it descended into it to study the rocks there. That’s how long it took NASA to convince the Bush administration to charge the rover with solar power instead of drilling the Mars surface for oil.

The city of Akron, Ohio, is considering a plan nicknamed “stools for schools” where it would lease the city-owned sewage system to a private contractor for $200 million and use the money for college scholarships. Proving once again that “what goes around, comes around,” most of the sewage in Akron’s system comes from high school cafeterias.

The commuter rail division of Chicago's Regional Transportation Authority is taking its bar cars out of service because they’re no longer profitable. This could be bad news for a number of regulars who will sober up and find out they haven’t had jobs in years.

A farmer in Alaska claims that his potentially record-setting 6-foot-wide giant cabbage exploded just four days before the official weigh-in at the Alaska State Fair. The good news is, he now holds the record for the world’s largest bowl of cole slaw.

A Missouri county sheriff says his policy of hanging "wanted" posters above urinals in the department's building has led to 10 arrests so far. You can tell someone has recognized a face on the wanted poster by the sound of squishy shoes.

A Mexican business owner's association is trying to stop the sale of a beer named after a legendary outlaw known as the "patron saint" of drug traffickers. And every night, American brewers drop to their knees and pray that there’s never a serial killer named Bud Miller.

Actress and Jenny Craig spokeswoman Valerie Bertinelli is set to star in a pilot for a new, as-yet-untitled comedy series on TBS. The only thing the network would confirm is that it’s not a show based on her weight loss called “Two-and-a-Half Dress Sizes.”

A Republican organization in Washington state issued an apology for offering $3 bills at a county fair booth showing Barack Obama in Muslim garb. The group also refused to acknowledge that Obama would be good for the economy even though the $3 bills are now worth 20 bucks.

Flinging poo at re-gifters

While campaigning for reelection, Alaska’s Senator Ted Stevens accused the Justice Department of trying to smear his character. Stevens got an immediate response from the publishers of Webster’s Dictionary ordering him to stop smearing the character of the word “character.”

Sean Connery returned to his hometown of Edinburgh, Scotland, to launch the release of his autobiography, “Being a Scot.” He doesn’t address accusations of abuse by his ex-wife because e he didn’t want it to be called “Beating a Scot.”

Ace Young is the latest American Idol alumnus to join the Broadway cast of “Grease.” When it comes to American Idol singers, those that can … do. Those that can’t … Grease.

Over the weekend, a sheriff's deputy pulled a gun on members of Diddy's entourage during a routine traffic stop of Diddy’s seven-car convoy. The deputy felt sorry for them and let them go after Diddy showed them his gasoline bill.

German researchers have discovered that grazing cattle and sleeping deer tend to align their bodies along the North-South axis of the Earth's magnetic field, giving new meaning to the phrase “animal magnetism.” It also gives cow-tippers a new excuse that they were just trying to find their way home.

According to a new study, monkeys can experience the joy of giving in much the same way as humans do. The only difference is, monkeys can also experience the joy of flinging poo at re-gifters.

Jon Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen will play acoustic songs before and after Barack Obama's acceptance speech at the convention. John McCain was planning similar musical bookends for his own acceptance speech, but found out Lawrence Welk and Mitch Miller don’t do acoustic songs.

The buzz in Hollywood is that Cher is in talks to play the supervillain Catwoman in the next Batman movie. She won’t take the part until it’s rewritten so that Catwoman has a sidekick played by Bob Mackie.

Collins Dictionaries of Britain said its researchers have estimated that the most commonly misspelled word in the English language is “supersede.” That explains why it’s the number-one cause of spell-checker-induced computer failures.

England's Bristol Zoo has given a pair of gibbons a curfew because their mating sounds are disturbing the zoo’s neighbors, including an elementary school. The kids don’t mind but the principal is tired of having to use the garden hose in the teacher’s lounge.

A man in Scarborough, Ontario, claims an image of the Virgin Mary has appeared in the bark of a tree outside his home. The tree is now full of squirrels praying for bigger nuts.

According to a survey published in the Journal of Women's Health, one-third of women of reproductive age borrow and share medications. The other two-thirds have figured out how to open medicine cabinets quietly.

Monday, August 25, 2008

People were looking up Sally Fields’ habit

Former Republican presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani will be in Denver during the Democratic convention. Giuliani hopes to draw attention away from the Democratic convention by attempting to eat 911 Rocky Mountain oysters.

The lineup for the next edition of “Dancing With the Stars” includes Olympic beach volleyball gold medalist Misty May-Treanor, former NFL star Warren Sapp, and 82-year-old Cloris Leachman. The theme of the first dance they do will be “The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.”

Paul McCartney is set to perform in Israel, 40 years after the Beatles were banned from playing in the Holy Land because of fears their lyrics could corrupt Israeli youth. How times have changed. The big concern now is that a young Israeli woman will corrupt Paul McCartney.

The action comedy “Tropic Thunder” topped the box office for the second straight weekend. A lot of tickets were bought by McCain campaign staffers trying to come up with a new popular foreign policy.

In Italy, a priest is organizing an online beauty pageant for nuns called “Miss Sister 2008” to give them more visibility within the Catholic Church and to fight the stereotype that they are all old and mean. He got the idea watching reruns of the old sitcom “The Flying Nun” and noticing how many people were looking up Sally Fields’ habit.

President Bush is sending Vice President Dick Cheney to Georgia in response to the conflict between that country and Russia. Cheney won’t be visiting Russia but he sent an open invitation to Vladimir Putin to meet him at a neutral site for some friendly quail shooting.

Researchers at Georgia Tech have developed a magnetic tongue-powered system that turns a person’s mouth into a virtual computer, teeth into a keyboard and tongue into finger that controls it all. The device should be popular with disabled people, not to mention guys who want to keep both hands free when downloading porn.

The makers of a Indian movie called “Hari Puttar: A Comedy of Terrors” are being sued by Warner Brothers even though they claim their film has nothing to do with “Harry Potter.” If you think Warner Brothers is mad now, wait until they hear about “Harold and Fumar Go To Hogwarts.”

Chinese Olympic officials now blame the confusion over the ages of some of its female gymnasts on “bad paperwork.” Coincidentally, that’s the same excuse they gave for the long line outside the women’s restrooms at the Bird’s Nest.

To boost sagging ratings, “American Idol” is adding a fourth judge: Grammy-nominated songwriter Kara DioGuardi. The producers had hoped to find a judge to match wits with Paula Abdul, but Barney was unavailable.

China deported a British woman, a German man and eight Americans who took part in a protest during the Olympic Games. They were the only ten people in the Bird’s Nest brave enough to stand up and say, “That thing covered with people doesn’t look anything like an Olympic torch.”

Friday, August 22, 2008

It was McCain's monthly delivery of Gold Bond

Customers in China of Apple's iTunes online music store were unable to download songs this week, possibly because Beijing was trying to block access to a new Tibet-themed album. Kind of a tit-for-tat thing … the Chinese government claims some of the artists were under 14.

Scientists say that global warming is the cause of a giant crack in the ice in northern Greenland and an 11-square-mile chunk of ice that broke off of a glacier. Things are getting so warm in Greenland, its Olympic water polo team was once its ice hockey team.

Sheriffs in Bay County, Florida, were forced to use a Taser to subdue an escaped emu. They knew they had tasered the emu enough when it started to smell like chicken.

Two of John McCain's presidential campaign offices were evacuated after a threatening letter arrived in the mail containing an unidentified white powder. McCain didn’t want to call the cops at first because he thought it was his monthly delivery of Gold Bond.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Polish Foreign Minister Radoslaw Sikorski celebrated the signing of a missile shield deal with wine from the ex-Soviet republic of Georgia. They offered her Polish vodka but the last time Condi drank Polish vodka she hit on Lech Walesa.

A fisherman in North Carolina caught a state record 21-pound channel catfish on a Barbie rod and reel his granddaughter asked him to hold for her while she went to the bathroom. That’s the biggest fish reeled in by a Barbie pole since Ken fell for the limited-edition Stripper Barbie.

At the New Jersey Pest Management Association's annual clinic and trade show, a giant Madagascar hissing cockroach named John McCain outraced one named Barack Obama. Just like the candidate it was named after, the McCain roach couldn’t remember how many roach motels he owned.

The Food and Drug Administration has approved the use of ionizing radiation to kill harmful bacteria on fresh spinach and lettuce. Cans of spinach will now come with a label explaining to kids that Popeye lost his eye in a sailing accident, not from eating irradiated spinach.

Oracle Corp. founder Larry Ellison is the top-paid chief executive in the United States, with a 2008 salary package of $84.6 million. Even so, John McCain said he’d have to see how many houses Ellison owned before determining if he would consider him rich.

Chicago police say the heart bypass surgery a local man underwent last year was charged to his friend after the patient stole his identity. They can’t recover the stolen goods, so prosecutors are hoping to convince the judge to sentence the thief to run on a treadmill until he has another heart attack.

Police in Hio, Sweden, say a man apparently received serious stab wounds while playing a game with another man that involved pressing potato peelers against each others stomachs. Luckily the emergency room bill was covered by his insurance company, Mutual of Idaho.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Gay chimpanzees who like to cross-dress

The sheriff of Lake County, Illinois, is spending time in his own jail as a way to get a perspective of how locked-up criminals feel. His fellow inmates are pretty cautious. The first thing they did was show him how to carve a bar of soap into a smaller bar of soap.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Baghdad and got Iraqi leaders to agree that there should be a timetable for the withdrawal of American troops. Boy, it’s amazing what an autographed picture of Michael Phelps will get you these days.

Tropical Storm Fay hit Florida for a third time this week. This gave Pat Robertson three chances to depict Fay as God’s way of punishing Florida for gays, liberals and bikinis.

The 400-pound reputed underboss of the New England mafia, awaiting trial on bribery charges, asked a judge to release him from home confinement for two hours a day so he can exercise. This might work if his favorite exercise wasn’t lifting a barbell, tying it to another underboss and dropping both into the nearest river.

Ricky Martin says he’s taking some time off from his music career to take care of his new twin boy that were born via a surrogate mother. The first thing he should do is call Clay Aiken to get the name of a good baby therapist.

Former “American Idol” contestant Sanjaya Malakar is the latest celebrity to appear in a commercial for Nationwide Insurance’s “Life Comes at You Fast” campaign. He originally auditioned for a Geico commercial but found out it takes talent to act like a caveman.

International Olympic Committee president Jacques Rogge criticized Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt for showing a lack of respect to other competitors after his record-breaking gold medal performances in the 100 and 200 meters. Actually, the other competitors would have been happy if Bolt just gave them a hit of whatever brand of ganja he trains on.

Hallmark thinks there’s enough business in California and Massachusetts to justify a line of same-sex wedding cards featuring two tuxedos, overlapping hearts or intertwined flowers and a congratulatory message inside. If they sell well, expect other card companies to begin scouting zoos for gay chimpanzees who like to cross-dress.

Joseph Macko, an 84-year-old Flint, Michigan, resident, has bought or leased a new Cadillac every year since 1955 and last week drove home a 2009 Cadillac DTS. He got $10,000 off the sticker price for letting General Motors take a DNA sample in an attempt to clone him.

The French government has banned French channels from airing TV shows aimed at children under 3 years old. If that happened in the U.S., Bill O’Reilly would have to move to radio.

State TV in Iran says that country’s space agency plans to send an astronaut into space within 10 years. It gave no word on whether the astronaut will be holding jar of orange Tang or a box of yellowcake uranium.

New York’s famous “Naked Cowboy” will host a new reality show where he judges the talents of street performers in an “American-Idol”-style competition. Instead of calling in votes, fans will be asked to mail a quarter to their favorite performer.

John McCain said in an interview that, even though he’s 71, he will not promise to be a one-term president if elected. I guess that includes anything less than one term too.

Hooking generators up to the legs of the Rockettes

President Bush said he sees “hopeful signs of progress” in New Orleans three years after Hurricane Katrina. That’s like telling the coach of the Washington Generals that he sees hopeful signs they’d beat the Harlem Globetrotters.

New York's Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants to put windmills on city bridges and rooftops as part of a push for renewable energy. With only 18 months left in office, he’ll have better luck hooking generators up to the legs of the Rockettes.

Jessica Simpson has signed on as spokeswoman for Stampede Light Plus, made by Dallas' Stampede Brewing Company. Leave it to Jessica Simpson to promote a product that has more in its head than she does.

Police stationed in the Tokyo subway system were unable to capture a monkey that ran loose among commuters before escaping towards a nearby park. You could tell a lot of the commuters have been watching Olympic gymnastics because they gave the monkey a 16.2 and the cops a 14.8.

Government researchers testing an epilepsy drug to treat addiction found it helped obese rats lose weight. Unfortunately, the rats were still addicted to hitting the lever for food so they stacked the uneaten pellets and escaped their cages.

The “Bigfoot” that two Georgia men claimed to have frozen in their freezer turned out to be a full-body rubber gorilla costume. A local costume store owner warned the men may next claim they have Superman in their freezer.

NASA engineers announced they will use 17 super-sized shock absorbers to stop shaking in the rocket used to take astronauts back to the moon. General Motors says NASA can have as many super-sized shock absorbers as they need if they’ll just buy all the unsold Hummers on dealer lots.

It looks like Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman, the Democratic Party's vice presidential candidate in 2000 and now a McCain supporter, will speak at the Republican National Convention. This could be the biggest shocker at a Republican convention since a black Republican showed up.

The Democratic presidential convention is expected to feature some “real people” - including an Indiana railroader, an Iowa mother and a Michigan truck driver. The Republicans tried this once but they couldn’t find any real people and didn’t have any friends in Hollywood to pretend to be some.

A judge in Auckland, New Zealand, ruled against the city's attempt to halt a parade featuring topless women on bikes. If it’s successful, the Tour de France people may add their own version next year called Tour de Cannes.

According to a new poll, John McCain leads Barack Obama among voters who attend church services weekly. And John Edwards leads both among voters who go to church to pick up chicks.

Guinness World Records says Bao Xi Shun of China has regained his title of “world's tallest man” at 7 feet, 8.95 inches after a Ukrainian man was disqualified because he wasn’t measured first-hand. Bao Xi Shun The Chinese government won’t recognize the record because Shun refuses to pick up a basketball.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Onward Christian Soakers

The story John McCain told pastor Rick Warren about a North Vietnamese prison guard making a cross in the dirt as a sign of solidarity sounds very similar to a story Alexander Solzhenitsyn told about the Soviet Gulags. Next thing you know, we’re going to find out he stole the idea for a campaign bus from Greyhound.

Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf spoke for almost an hour before revealing that he was resigning his office. That’s still second in length to the resignation speech of Hillary Clinton, which is going into its third month.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice called resigning Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf “one of the world's most committed partners in the war against terrorism and extremism.” Then she told Musharraf to stop asking Scott McClellan for tips on how to write a book.

In Australia, a lost baby humpback whale has bonded with a yacht it thinks is its mother. It’s not the yacht. Witnesses say the whale was actually attracted to the boat because the skipper was watching Michael Phelps on a portable TV.

Iran test launched a rocket that was carrying a dummy satellite. The test was successful -- the satellite flew over Washington and had no trouble picking out the dummies.

Olympic swimming superstar Michael Phelps says he wants to use his eight-gold-medal-winning performance to “change the sport of swimming in a positive way.” The first thing he needs to do is convince millions of Americans that it takes more than 12,000-calorie diets and a Speedo swimsuit.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi says convicted Mafia bosses spending time in Italian jails will no longer be allowed to sing while incarcerated because some used their songs to pass orders to outside forces. He got suspicious when he heard that one boss sang nothing but “Freebird.”

A group of young people in Boston reenacted a Civil War battle using squirt guns instead of rifles. What did they sing going into battle … Onward Christian Soakers?

According to The Sunday Times of London, hundreds of families across Britain are raising miniature cattle in their backyards to fight rising food prices. This is great for many retired jockeys who are enjoying second careers as miniature butchers.

Three-time Olympic beach volleyball player Holly McPeak - a bronze medallist for the U.S. in 2004 - says female players wear bikinis because diving for balls causes one-piece suits to collect too much sand. Holly deserves a gold medal for saving male beach volleyball fans from dirty looks from their wives.

Terrafugia, based in Woburn, Massachusetts, says it has already received more than 50 orders for a two-seater car designed to leave the road and fly like an airplane, which will be available in 2010. It’s just like George Jetson’s car, except the Transportation Security Administration requires that you drive it in stocking feet.

Swiss scientists say they have discovered electrical stimulation of the brain can produce more careful driving behavior without the driver knowing it. Hmm … how do you get a driver to ignore a wire running from his ear to the cigarette lighter?

Sunday, August 17, 2008

What really happens when the chips are down

Police in Fairfield, Connecticut, had no trouble tracking down a bearded man who robbed a bar tip jar while dressed in a dark tank top and light colored capri pants and carrying a large purse. As usual, his surveillance tape was on YouTube before his mug shot was on the evening news.

Bill Murray jumped out of an airplane 13,500 feet over Chicago and landed safely attached to a member of the Army Golden Knights Parachute Team. Was he scared? Let’s just say that “Stripes” can now refer to one of Bill’s movies or one of his boxer shorts.

It’s official: Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi got married over the weekend at an intimate ceremony in Beverly Hills. Actually, a lot of people were invited but most stayed away out of fear of getting stepped on or smacked in the face when Ellen danced the bridal dance.

The Hershey Company announced it is increasing prices on its products by an average of 11 percent. Company executives decided this was beter than reducing the size of Hershey Kisses to pecks.

After meeting with his security team, President said that some progress has been made in resolving the Georgia crisis. In fact, Bush was confident enough to predict that that, because of his efforts, Georgia should have no trouble beating Georgia Tech.

A local diamond hunter found a 4.42-carat stone at the Crater of Diamonds State Park in Arkansas. Proving she’s still got it, the first call he received was a marriage proposal from Elizabeth Taylor.

Two Ogden, Utah, neighbors got into a fight after a minor league baseball game that ended with one them biting off a part of the other's ear. That’s what happens when you try to bring in fans with a Mike Tyson Bobble-Head Night.

Results from DNA tests on samples allegedly taken from a Bigfoot corpse found in Georgia showed that one sample was human and the other was 96 percent opossum. The men who have it in their freezer now claim it’s not Bigfoot but an ancient ancestor of Michael Phelps.

The U.S. military is paying scientists $4 million to study ways to read people's minds. They’d better work fast because the General Accounting Office is already asking generals, “What the heck were you thinking?”

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger pulled out of an environmental conference in Lake Tahoe to have his knee examined after injuring himself while exercising. Arnold may have other problems too because he said tio his training buddies, “I’ll be … oooh, my back!”

About 8,000 bagpipers from 17 countries gathered in Glasgow, Scotland, for the World Pipe Band Championship competition. It’s held every year on the same weekend as the World Fingers In The Ears Championship.

Madonna turned 50 over the weekend and was recognized by the Guinness World Records people for selling more albums than any other female solo artist in history. At her birthday party, she also set a record for the fastest-ever complete and utter destruction of a cake with 50 candles.

Simon Cowell said in an interview that his $65 million-a-year paycheck allows him to spend nearly $9,400 on T-shirts. They actually cost him nothing because he sells the used ones for the same price to Ryan Seacrest.

Mrs. Fields Famous Brands LLC has filed for bankruptcy. Now you know what really happens when the chips are down.

Friday, August 15, 2008

One way to brag about your crack debate team

Netflix admits that major technical problems this past week have severely limited the number of DVDs it could send out. The company denies rumors the system was sabotaged by someone trying to destroy all copies of Pauly Shore movies.

Although he was banned from the campaign after calling the U.S. “a nation of whiners,” former Senator Phil Gramm was complimented by John McCain at a fundraising dinner. The bad news is, McCain complimented Gramm for bringing the food and drinks to the tables without spilling anything.

Barack Obama released a 40-page rebuttal to the best-selling book “The Obama Nation,” calling author Jerome Corsi a fringe bigot peddling rehashed lies. It doesn’t include a response to Corsi’s latest claim that Obama went water-skiing in Hawaii behind a swift boat piloted by John Kerry.

Donald Trump has saved Ed McMahon's Beverly Hills mansion from foreclosure by buying it for an undisclosed amount and leasing it back to McMahon. Ed was so grateful, he promised to call current Tonight Show host Jay Leno and ask him to stop telling jokes about The Donald’s hair.

Jackson Browne is suing John McCain and the Republican national committee for using his song “Running on Empty” without his permission. When he heard about the suit, McCain sent a note which said, “I knew Andrew Jackson Browne. Andrew Jackson Browne was a friend of mine. Sir, you’re no Andrew Jackson Browne.”

A popular YouTube video shows two college debate team coaches in a profanity-filled argument that ends with one pulling down his pants. I guess that’s one way to brag about your crack debate team.

A convenience store gas station in San Antonio lost quite a bit of money due to a pump malfunction that priced premium gas at 38 cents a gallon instead of $3.89. The store owner hopes to make up for the loss by secretly raising the price of Slim Jims to five bucks apiece.

A couple in Des Moines, Washington, decided to shut down the swingers sex club they operated out of their home after they were cited by the city for running a business without a license. They were actually hoping to be punished and even offered to provide their own whips, chains and handcuffs.

A woman in Queensland, Australia, is selling a pair of black lace panties on eBay that she says were left at her home by her husband's alleged mistress. In a related story, Elizabeth Edwards is auctioning off panties, a video camera and a canceled check for $14,000.

Two men in Georgia claim the hairy corpse they found in the woods of northern Georgia and now have crammed in their freezer is Bigfoot. Bigfoot experts doubt the claim, especially since pictures of the freezer also show packages labeled “Martian,” “Tooth Fairy” and “Easter Bunny.”

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Burger King Employee Did Not Have A Whopper.

New York Jets quarterback Brett Favre says his right arm is feeling “fatigued.” As a result, the Jets coaching staff has ordered him to use his left arm for carrying his wallet and counting his money.

Fans of Elvis Presley can now get official, Graceland-approved Elvis and Priscilla wedding dolls for $65 for the boxed set. Talk about authentic -- the Priscilla doll and the real Priscilla Presley contain exactly the same amount of plastic.

Paris Hilton is being sued for $75,000 for not promoting the 2004 movie “National Lampoon's Pledge This!” which she starred in. She was so bad in that movie, her co-stars still call her the “Lemon Pledge.”

President Bush postponed ending his vacation at the Olympics and starting his vacation in Crawford to spend an extra day monitoring the situation in Georgia. He spent the day trying to convince Michael Phelps to join the Armed Forces to help train Navy SEALS.

Best Buy is the first U.S. retail chain to sell the iPhone outside of Apple and AT&T stores. To attract typical Best Buy customers, Apple will offer apps that keep track of what’s in your refrigerator and help you sort out clothes for the washing machine.

Burger King has fired a Xenia, Ohio, employee whose MySpace page showed a video of him taking a soapy bath in the nude in a utility sink in the restaurant. It wouldn’t have been so bad but, when he stood up, the video clearly showed that the Burger King employee did not have a whopper.

Google has launched a free music search service in China that allows users to access music legally online. Unfortunately, in keeping with Chinese government policy, the songs are all lip-synched by karaoke singers.

According to a new British study, clumsy children with poor hand control and coordination are more likely to become obese adults. Duh! What do you expect to happen to kids who go through 12 years of school without once getting picked to play dodgeball?

At a trial in Houston, three first-class passengers said that they didn't see any signs that Victoria Osteen, the wife of megachurch evangelist Joel Osteen, assaulted a flight attendant while on a plane in 2005. Lawyers for the victim now say her husband secretly laid his hands and healed the flight attendant before she could be examined.

In Harrison, Michigan, a man found a naked and drunk college coed in his yard when he went out to turn off his decorative lights. After calling the police to take her home, the man put ice on the huge bruise he got pinching himself to see if he was awake.

A three-alarm fire at Apple's Cupertino, California, headquarters this week was quickly brought under control by firefighters. The fire would have been under control sooner but, instead of calling 9-1-1, hundreds of employees tried to code an iPhone app to put it out.

A new study found that being made fun of on Comedy Central's “The Colbert Report” pays off for Democratic politicians in the form of a bump in campaign contributions. Republican candidates get a similar bump when they’re made fun of on “60 Minutes.”

The California-based Jewelry Consumer Opinion Council said watch companies have reported declining sales of between 8 percent and 15 percent since 2006 and are predicting the end of watches. Not to mention Eight O’Clock Coffee.

A Berne, Switzerland, museum said a giant inflatable piece of art resembling dog feces was uprooted by a gust of wind and caused damage in the neighborhood. It was apparently being secretly tested by Republicans planning to crash the Democratic convention.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Carrying A Congealed Weapon

Mitch Winehouse, the father of British soul singer Amy Winehouse, is scheduled to fill in as guest co-host on a BBC London radio show. Apparently the BBC needed a local expert to discuss the Cheech and Chong reunion tour.

Attorneys for Ohio death row inmate Richard Wade Cooey say their 275-pound client is too fat to be executed by lethal injection. The state is now checking the legality of locking him in a room with nothing but greasy burgers and fries and letting nature take its course.

Hundreds of nearly-nude bikers rode around St. Louis recently as part of the World Naked Bike Ride to protest U.S. dependence on oil. This is better known as the Tour de I-See-London-I-See-France-I-See-Bikers-With-No-Underpants.

British tights manufacturers say sales of sheer, patterned and support tights for men have increased in recent months. It’s the economy -- wearing tights gives British men the courage to rob from the rich and give to the poor.

Police in Atlantic Beach, Florida, charged a woman with domestic battery after she allegedly struck her husband with a frozen lasagna. Since she waited until the lasagna was frozen solid and brought it into the bedroom from the kitchen, she’ll also be charged with carrying a congealed weapon.

The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force now recommends against routine prostate cancer screening for men over age 75. Senior citizens who miss getting their annual prostate exam are advised to find a girlfriend who’s into S&M.

The Wildlife Conservation Society announced the discovery of 125,000 western lowland gorillas deep in the forests of the Republic of Congo. This is the largest gathering of chest-thumpers in one location since the 2004 Republican National Convention.

A South Korean company claims it’s the world's first successful commercial canine cloning service after giving an American woman five puppies that were cloned from her deceased pit bull. She knew they were clones because they all piddled on a newspaper story on Michael Vick just like their mama used to.

Police in Jacksonville, Florida, arrested a man who called 911 twice after a sandwich shop left the spicy sauce off of his Italian sub. Fittingly, he was placed in a cell that was the same size as the pants Jared Fogel used to wear.

NASA scientists say the Phoenix spacecraft has detected the presence of a chemically reactive salt in the Martian soil that on earth is a primary ingredient in solid rocket fuel, fireworks and other explosives. This means that if we ever do find life forms on Mars, they’ll probably be missing a few fingers.

Delta Air Lines announced it will offer broadband wireless Internet access on its entire domestic mainline fleet by the middle of next year. This is why the airlines are discontinuing the free pillow service -- so you don’t smother the person next to you on a five-hour flight playing World of Warcraft.

Monday, August 4, 2008

What Do Cats Have To Remember?

Manny Ramirez has been on a hitting tear since being traded from the Boston Red Sox to the Los Angeles Dodgers. L.A. fans have been flocking to see “The Dark Knight” so they’re prepared for when Manny goes weird on them.

The $14 million photos of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's weeks-old twins, Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon, are on the cover of People magazine. Meanwhile, the New Yorker is contemplating a satirical cartoon of the twins dressed like Mom and Dad in “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” fighting over the money.

Paris Hilton's mother says John McCain’s campaign ad mocking Democrat Barack Obama with images of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears was a waste of the country’s time and money. She thinks it would have been better spent on a series of town hall meetings with McCain and his staff staying at Hilton hotels.

An animal expert at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln has released a CD called “Frog Calls of Nebraska” featuring the rhythmic croakings of the state's native frogs. People who have heard it want him to follow it up with the sounds of Nebraska’s frogs sizzling on a grill.

British celebrity chef Anthony Worrall Thompson says he's sorry for mistakenly recommending henbane - a plant that can cause hallucinations, drowsiness and disorientation - as a salad ingredient. It’s too late. A Hollywood studio is already turning it into a movie called “Harold And Fumar Go Vegetarian.”

Former President Bill Clinton insisted in an interview that he “never made a racist comment” about Barack Obama. He knows it kill would all of his chances of ever hitting on Michelle Obama.

Republican presidential candidate John McCain attended the annual giant motorcycle rally in Sturgis, South Dakota, where one of the highlights is women riding around with their tops off. This is part of McCain’s efforts to prove to voters that his heart is strong enough to withstand any kind of shock.

Researchers in England say a million forgetful cats in Britain may actually have mental health problem similar to Alzheimer's disease. Big deal. Outside of the location of the litter box, what do cats have to remember?

President Bush has mixed feelings about the death of Russian author Alexander Solzhenitsyn. He’s sorry to see the passing of a literary giant, but it also means he has one less Russian name to remember.

In a reversal of his previous position, Barack Obama is proposing the government sell 70 million barrels of oil from its strategic petroleum stockpiles. Since it involves oil, this is not a flip-flop - it’s more like a slick-flop.

President Bush has some concerns about his trip to Beijing for the Summer Olympics. He’s calling it a diplomatic trip so it doesn’t count against his annual summer vacation days.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Plaid Suits, Polka-Dot Shirts And Orange Shoes

An apartment landlord in Cincinnati is so frustrated about the street crime outside his building that he's posted a large sign out front that reads “Drugs & Sex For Sale 24/7.” Unfortunately, it’s too late to attract the Democratic National Convention to Cincinnati.

Madonna introduced her new documentary, “I Am Because We Are,” at the Traverse City Film Festival where she appeared with Michigan native Michael Moore. Madonna is hoping Moore will help her with her next documentary: “Fahrenheit A-Rod.”

Madonna introduced her new documentary, “I Am Because We Are,” at the Traverse City Film Festival where she appeared with Michigan native Michael Moore. It’s a good thing Madonna’s been losing weight and working out. It’s the only way she fit on the same stage with Michael Moore.

That 12-year-old girl who fell into a chimney on the roof of her New York apartment building, dropped 14 stories down the flue and landed almost unscathed in a pile of furnace soot, says she was just showing her cousin the view. When she heard about a soot-covered kid referring to the view, Whoopie Goldberg called the girl a racist.

Eight Michigan boys broke a word record by bouncing for 24 hours in an inflatable castle. They’re hoping to sell their story to a movie producer to help pay for all the beds they broke practicing.

Tourism officials on the Caribbean island of Grenada are asking dog owners to stop picking up starfish on the beach and throwing them like flying discs for their dogs to catch. Tourism officials in Nevada have the same rule around Area 51 for people who find small UFOs.

A men’s clothing store in Cleveland, Ohio, opened a cash bar in the middle of its sales floor to put customers in a relaxed mood to shop. Getting customers drunk is also a great way to get rid of the plaid suits, polka-dot shirts and orange shoes that nobody else wants.

Pope Benedict XVI sent greetings to China and said he hoped the Olympic Games would offer an example of coexistence among people from different countries. He also turned down a request to part the waters of the Olympic pool so the other swimmers have a chance to beat Michael Phelps.

A rare 1909 baseball card of early Hall-of-Famer Honus Wagner was sold for $1.62 million at an auction in Chicago. It would have been worth more, but the auctioneer admitted there was no proof to the rumor Wagner once dated Madonna.

Australian aviation officials say they're keeping a close eye on Qantas Airlines after a flight was forced to return to Sydney with a hydraulics leak, the third incident of in-flight trouble involving Qantas in recent days. Passengers are so nervous about the planes coming apart at the seams, they’ve been trading in their in-flight peanuts for bubble gum.

Actor Michael Douglas was spotted dozing off while having lunch in Portofino, Italy, with his wife, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Nobody believed him when he said he was just getting in character to play a narcoleptic cop on “The Sheets of San Francisco.”

Using billions of text messages as raw data, Microsoft researchers have reconstructed social patterns that indicate any two people on average are distanced by 6.6 degrees of separation. Proving once again that geeks who analyze text-messaging patterns will do anything to convince themselves they might have a chance to date Heather Locklear.

Friday, August 1, 2008

“Turn that thing down!”

Scrabulous is back on Facebook, but now it’s called Wordscraper and it has new rules and circular tiles that could help it avoid a lawsuit by the owners of Scrabble. If that doesn’t work, they should keep the name and start a company that removes graffiti.

According to the journal Cell, scientists have developed the couch-potato’s dream drug -- a pill that gives your body the benefits of a workout without exercising. It’s only been tested on rodents, which explains why Kirstie Alley showed up at the lab dressed like Minnie Mouse.

Bad news for John McCain. The Obama campaign is planning a new commercial comparing him to Bea Arthur and Betty White.

McCain and Obama are accusing each other of playing the race card. In the meantime, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson accuse both candidates of not playing with a full race deck.

NASA scientists say the Phoenix spacecraft has confirmed the presence of ice on the planet Mars. There hasn’t been this much excitement about frozen water since James Cameron got the Oscar for “Titanic.”

Insiders at Wal-Mart say the company is telling its managers to vote against Barack Obama in November because he’ll make it easier for workers to unionize. If that doesn’t work, it plans to tell door greeters that Obama will take away their blue coats and make them wear burqas.

Country music star John Rich, one-half of Big and Rich, has written a song for John McCain called “Raising McCain.” He’s having a tough time getting it played at rallies because McCain keeps yelling, “Turn that thing down!”

There are nearly 60,000 registered Chihuahuas living in Los Angeles County, making the smalls pups the most popular breed in the area. Here’s the bad news: the second-most popular breed is the Chihuahua-eating pit bull.

French researchers said a deep-sea fish was caught at a record 7,500 feet beneath the surface of the Atlantic Ocean. The pressure at that depth is so great, the fish can only be served at Japanese squooshie restaurants.

Hello! magazine in England has confirmed it acquired the exclusive worldwide rights to publish the first photos of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's newborn twins for a price rumored to be $11 million. That sound you hear is Brad kicking himself for forgetting to take a camera into the delivery room.