Nothing says the party’s over like mud in your bong

A Baptist pastor in Tuscon, Arizona, has created a Web site that claims "God wants you to have great sex." And suddenly, Cindy McCain begins to wonder why the evangelicals wanted her husband to pick Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin was the second person to know that John McCain had selected her as his running mate. First was the manager of the band Heart who was asked if he minded if McCain borrowed the song “Barracuda.”

The Wm. Wrigley Jr. Company reports that an Australian study found that chewing gum can reduce stress and anxiety. Unfortunately, your stress and anxiety goes back up the moment you realize you stepped on the gum you were just chewing.

The Environmental Protection Agency says that tire manufacturers and retailers have agreed to phase-out the use of lead wheel weights. The tire companies will be allowed to keep dead weights, which means the Michelin Man still has a job.

A recent survey found that nearly 30 percent of U.S. men think sex is better after their football team wins and 10 percent say they have bad sex after a loss. That could explain why overworked maternity ward employees in Indianapolis are hoping Peyton Manning’s knee injury is serious.

President Bush says there are signs that “our economy is beginning to improve.” Too bad most Americans believe the economy is beyond signs and needs a GPS system.

Sean “Diddy” Combs says he now flies on commercial airlines instead of in private jets because of the high cost of jet fuel. Flying commercial isn’t that much cheaper for Diddy because he has to pay extra to check all of his bling bags.

In a phone interview on his recent 50th birthday, Michael Jackson said of his career that “the best is yet to come.” That either means he’s going back to the recording studio or he’s finally found a nose he likes.

General Motors announced it will offer optional radios with USB ports for personal music players on some of its 2009 models. And to show how in tune GM is with modern drivers, in 2010 the radios will be able to pick up that new-fangled FM signal.

A dust storm in the northern Nevada desert caused some of the attendees at the Burning Man festival to leave early. Nothing says the party’s over like mud in your bong.

A local official in Australia claims he has proof the London killer known as Jack the Ripper is buried in Brisbane. More people would believe him if he didn’t also claim the guy in the grave was the first to say, “That’s not a knife … THIS Is a knife.”

Thousands of Harley-Davidson riders rolled through Milwaukee over the weekend celebrating the 105th anniversary of the classic American motorcycle. Residents say they haven’t seen that many people with potbellies and tattoos since the last Britney Spears look-alike contest.

Experts say a dead two-foot shark a Michigan man claims he found attached to a large fishing bobber in Lake Michigan is probably a hoax. They got suspicious when one pushed what looked like a button on the shark’s nose and it began singing “Mack the Knife.”

An aide at a branch library in Chandler, Arizona, revealed that the most popular bookmarks she discovers inside returned items are bits of toilet paper. As opposed to the White House where bits of books are found inside rolls of toilet paper.