The Do-Over-Er

Scholastic, the U.S. publisher of “Harry Potter,” is hoping the next big thing will be “The 39 Clues,” a planned 10-volume set about two kids and their worldwide search for the secret to their family's power. Scholastic is hoping to get the first one out before the market is saturated with similar books about the Palin kids.

The lawyer who conducted it says Sarah Palin underwent a “`full and complete” background examination before John McCain chose her as his running mate. That’s the lawyer I want if I’m ever sued. Not defending me … defending the other party.

More bad news for Sarah Palin. Today, her children Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig asked to have their names changed to Greg, Marcia, Jan, Cindy and Bobby.

A memo has been discovered in which his legal admits that former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales mishandled highly classified notes about a secret counter terror program and may have even taken them home. Gonzales is hoping to convince investigators he was just taking the notes home to compare them with what Jack Bauer was doing on “24.”

President Bush says the government responded “a lot better” to Hurricane Gustav than it did to Hurricane Katrina. President Bush has officially gone from “The Decider” to the “Do-over-er.”

A man nicknamed “Humble Bob” stuffed himself with 11.5 pounds of a Cincinnati, Ohio, specialty called chili-spaghetti in 10 minutes to win an eating contest. After the chili-spaghetti started digesting, he got a new nickname: Rumble Bob.

London's Victoria and Albert Museum paid $92,500 for the original artwork for The Rolling Stones' famous “lips” logo inspired by Mick Jagger’s mouth. The artist is now working on a current version that shows Jagger’s lips, tongue and favorite shade of PolyGrip.

A Michigan couple got married at the funeral home where the groom is a funeral director. To show the location of the wedding didn’t creep her out, the bride brought the groom’s latest customer as both something old and something blue.

Officials in London say a major overhaul of Heathrow Airport Terminals 1 and 2 will not be finished in time for the 2012 Olympics. This is good news for Michael Phelps. While his opponents’ flights are delayed, he plans to fly to France and swim across the Channel.

England’s Tesco grocery store chain Tesco says the grammar police have forced it to replace the “ten items or less” signs with ones that say correctly “up to ten items.” However, customers standing in the line will still be able to use any grammatically-incorrect four-letter words to point out cheaters.

A man who declared his own nation in Nevada called Molossia says his soon-to-be-ex-wife's recent move to Texas has forced him to ban all Texas products from his country. Coincidentally, this was also John McCain’s alternate plan for keeping President Bush from the Republican convention.