Crime tips from the Food Network

Shock jock Howard Stern reportedly is helping auction off the virginity of a 22-year-old San Diego woman who’s trying to raise money for college. In a related story, Sarah Palin denies this is how she was able to pay for attending five colleges in six years.

Max and Benny's restaurant in Northbrook, Illinois, conducted an informal survey and found that cookies featuring the likeness of Barack Obama have been vastly outselling ones bearing the face of John McCain. And both are being outsold by Sarah Palin wearing chocolate moose-hunting gear.

Intelligence officials are watching signs that North Korea's dictator Kim Jong Il may be gravely ill, possibly from a stroke. President Bush wanted to send him a ‘get well’ card but couldn’t find one with a picture of a chimpanzee giving CPR to a bad hairpiece.

Police in Fresno, California, arrested a man who broke into the home of two farm workers, stole money, rubbed one with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing. That’s what happens when you’re new to the United States and get your crime tips from the Food Network instead of CSI:Miami.

Researchers from a security firm disguised themselves as fire inspectors, exterminators or government safety monitors and were able to slip past tellers in nearly 1,000 bank branches and steal confidential data about customers. One got caught, but that was after he stopped to cash in a roll of nickels and only had two forms of ID.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper apologized to Liberal Party leader Stephane Dion after a conservative website showed a cartoon of a puffin pooping on him. The cartoon is now in Alaska where Republican artists are attempting to turn Dion into Barack Obama and the puffin into a flying moose.

Colonel Harland Sanders' secret list of 11 herbs and spices was removed from KFC's corporate offices for the first time in decades while the company beefed up protection for the famous recipe. Security was so tight, guards armed with flamethrowers warned that anyone trying to steal the original recipe would end up extra crispy.

South Korean scientists say Snuppy, the world's first cloned dog, has become a father after the world's first successful breeding of cloned canines. They don’t quite have all the bugs worked out yet because the puppies sniffed they own butts and licked each other’s private parts.

A Scottish man who was mistakenly told by doctors he was dying and gave away his life savings is planning to sue the hospital. Coincidently, President Bush had originally planned to do this with Warren Buffet as a way to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

A woman in Dallas says she turned to the Chinese principles of Feng Shui to balance the spiritual forces in her home and prevent another car from ramming it. But just to be on the safe side, she’s also using the Chinese principle of building a wall around her house.