Thursday, September 30, 2010

The dangers of having sex in a Smart car

Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. This came as a shock to the pope who says the picture on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel looks nothing like Glenn Beck.

A Chicago-area woman recruited for an internship at Disneyland was told she can wear a Muslim headscarf, but only one designed by Disney. She says that’s OK as long as it doesn’t make her look Goofy.

A Chicago doctor says her invention, an “Emergency Bra” that can be quickly converted into a pair of gas masks, is now available in B and C cup sizes in red only. She’s currently working on a model for saving entire families called the Dolly Parton.

A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. Germans hate it but an English version of the game is sold out in Nevada.

In Florida, the Cocoa City Council decided to drop plans to ban young people from wearing sagging pants that show their boxers. It’s just another example of underwearwolves who change when exposed to a full moon.

Tour de France champion Alberto Contador claims that a banned substance he tested positive for came from eating bad food. This is the first evidence that the International Cycling Union tests for Denny’s dinners.

Former President Jimmy Carter left a Cleveland hospital where he spent two days recovering from a viral infection. His doctors knew Carter was feeling better when he tried to negotiate a peace settlement between his fellow patients and their insurance companies.

Kroger’s had to pull all of the Chad Ochocinco's Cereal boxes from its shelves because a wrong number on the box led callers to a phone sex hotline. The boxes will be resold under the name Turn Trix.

Fisher-Price is recalling more than 10 million tricycles, toys and high chairs because a protruding plastic ignition key near the seat could cause genital bleeding. Some parents kept the trikes to teach their kids the dangers of having sex in a Smart car.

Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. That’s completely unfair since our own Congress proves that literacy doesn’t make clowns any better at their jobs.

North Korea has released the first official photo of Kim Jong Un, the youngest son and heir apparent of Kim Jong Il. The young man is pretty handsome, so it looks like the government has lifted its ban on Photoshop.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

First you need to give some Czechs some checks

A New York City public information campaign promotes the benefits of breastfeeding by pointing out that it burns 500 calories a day. There’s more about this breastfeeding weight loss program in a new book, “The Titikin Diet.”

It looks like Jennifer Lopez has signed a $12 million contract to be a judge on “American Idol.” Steven Tyler will settle for less as long as there’s a big mattress behind the judges’ stand in case he falls off.

Two senators from Thailand fought each other in a boxing ring set up outside parliament in Bangkok to promote Thai kickboxing. Maybe we can get Republican senators to promote the Second Amendment by setting up dueling matches in front of Congress.

George Michael was sentenced to eight weeks in jail for driving under the influence of drugs. He blamed it on his fear of traffic, or drugging under the influence of driving.

President Obama gave his second back-to-school pep talk with a lot less protests from conservatives than the first one had. The biggest complaint came from teachers who were hoping he’d speak longer so they could sneak out and look for a better job.

Police in North Dakota arrested a woman who allegedly walked into a drugstore wearing only a thong, pasties, a small towel and whipped cream. She claimed she was a free thinker and thought the sign said “Off-the-Walgreens.”

Members of a church in Anaheim, California, are celebrating its first anniversary by getting tattoos of the red-heart church logo. The pastor will then inspect the location of the tattoo to determine if you paid attention during his sermons.

The Swedish Armed Forces disciplined two non-commissioned officers for dressing in their underwear on duty and flying a flag with a penis on it. The men were recruited under a special program in the Swedish military called “Don’t ask, we’re gay.”

The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Then she boarded a plane and showed how she really felt in every airsick she could find.

Authorities in the Czech Republic have banned Google from taking pictures for its “Street View” mapping feature. If Google had googled “doing business in the Czech Republic,” they would have found out that first you need to give some Czechs some checks.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Works better than a Barry White album

Newt Gingrich is sticking to his comment that President Obama may follow a “Kenyan anti-colonial” worldview. Newt based this observation on the fact that Obama’s father was from Kenya and the president roots for the Bears when they play the Patriots.

A Georgia farmer is being sued by his county for growing too many vegetables in an area zoned for a smaller amount. It all started when his neighbors called 9-1-1 because their front and back doors were completely blocked by baskets of free zucchini.

A Chicago-area high school is claiming the world record for high fives after a superintendent wearing a purple costume gave high and low fives to 1,363 students and teachers. The superintendent plans to accept the award for breaking the record as long as it doesn’t come with a handshake.

Tens of thousands of walruses have come ashore in northwest Alaska because the sea ice they normally rest on has melted. They hadn’t planned to stop in Alaska but they heard Sarah Palin say they were close to Russia.

A 5-year-old boy won a moose calling contest at the Alaska Zoo in Anchorage. He received a $25 gift certificate to an Anchorage restaurant and $10 for a recording of the calls that Todd Plain claims works better than a Barry White album.

Oprah kicked off her 25th and final season of “The Oprah Winfrey Show” by giving everyone in the studio audience a free trip to Australia. Once they arrive in the Land Down Under, the audience members will see a couch jump up-and-down on Tom Cruise.

According to a new survey, public restroom users are washing their hands more often than they used to but 23 percent of men don’t wash versus 7 percent of women. Which makes the filthy sinks in men’s restrooms even more of a mystery.

Police in Wisconsin arrested a street musician who was upset when a passerby criticized his music so he bashed him over the head with his guitar. The musician spent the night in jail while his injured guitar gently wept.

Competitive eater Joey “Jaws” Chestnut downed 47 burritos in 10 minutes at the New Mexico State Fair in Albuquerque to break the previous record of 33 1/2. The 47 burritos were stuffed with beef, beans and green chile, which explains why Jaws had to be removed from a Porta-Potty using the jaws-of-life.

Friday, September 10, 2010

They have her on display on the hospital refrigerator

Police in Solingen, Germany, arrested a man who says he likes to take naked walks on railroad tracks because they help relieve stress. Not to mention that walking naked alongside trains makes him feel better about the size of his own caboose.

Madonna's daughter Lourdes is now a freshman at the prestigious LaGuardia High School of Music & Art and Performing Arts in Manhattan. I’m not saying she has a reputation, but LaGuardia’s principal already has detention slips pre-printed with Lourdes’ name on them.

Tom Brady has agreed to a four-year extension on his New England contract that would make him the NFL's highest paid player. He’ll be earning around $20,000 per snap, or about as much as the guy who makes the heavy-duty fasteners on Dolly Parton’s bras.

Fidel Castro told an American journalist that Cuba's communist economic model doesn't work. That’s because its trade policy with the U.S. is “close but no cigar.”

According to a new report, one in three British hospitals which provide fertility services also provide government-funded pornographic material for sperm donors. In rural hospitals, that includes a window overlooking a flock of sheep.

The Food and Drug Administration issued a warning to makers of electronic cigarettes to stop making unproven health claims. One claim is that electronic cigarettes will make you look like a robotic version of Don Draper.

A 10-year-old schoolgirl in Serbia has baffled doctors with her ability to pick up cutlery, coins and other metal objects with the magnet force in her hands. The doctors are so impressed with the little girl, they have her on display on the hospital refrigerator.

Police in Seattle arrested a robbery suspect who had the words “GET MONEY” shaved into the side of his head and tattooed on his hands. They also captured his getaway driver whose head was shaved with the words “I’M WITH STUPID.”

Gene Simmons of KISS will be the keynote speaker at the inaugural American Music Conference in Los Angeles in November. Organizers wanting to avoid any hazard from the microphone have asked Gene for the measurement of his tongue.

Chicago's John Hancock Observatory has announced plans for a 1,000-square-foot skating rink on the 94th floor of the building. Since they can’t get a Zamboni up the elevator, the ice will be scraped by anyone wanting a free frozen margarita.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Sealy Posteriorpedic

Romania's Senate rejected a proposal to tax witches and fortune tellers and hold them liable for wrong predictions. However, they increased the income tax on small men with hard names who can spin flax into gold.

Susan Boyle left “America’s Got Talent” crying after Lou Reed refused to give her permission to sing one of his songs, “Perfect Day.” Maybe she shouldn’t have mentioned that she was honoring him by wearing velvet underpants.

The Great Moscow Circus's show featuring the swallowing and regurgitation of a live goldfish has been banned in Australia because it’s cruel to the fish. Not to mention to the vendors selling cod sandwiches.

An Italian mattress company has unveiled a love mattress with heavy-duty springs and special straps for couples to hang on to when in the throes of passion. For those into more kinky positions, try the Sealy Posteriorpedic.

Officials in Bibb County, Georgia, say they’ll consider changing the name of a street called Lustful Court if the residents sign a petition. The name discourages married couples from buying a house there because it’s a dead end.

Las Vegas police arrested a man who walked into a casino with a defibrillator strapped to his chest, claiming it was a bomb. It took the cops a while to find him among the hundreds of other casino patrons wearing defibrillators, oxygen tanks and pacemaker battery packs.

Britney Spears is denying claims by a bodyguard 's accusations that she repeatedly exposed herself to him and made other unwanted sexual advances. Like begging, pleading and piles of cash.

According to a new study, women are most attracted to male dancers who have big, flamboyant moves. Especially if they wear tight pants that show how their big flamboyant can move.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady made it to practice after walking away unhurt from a two-car accident. The other driver was cited for reckless driving, failing to yield and roughing the passer.

President Barack Obama says his chief of staff Rahm Emanuel would be a terrific Chicago mayor. However, he won’t be allowed to campaign for dead voters in Chicago until he first gets them to vote in the midterm elections.

A North Carolina restaurant owner says a new sign reading “Screaming children will not be tolerated” has increased his business. Some angry parents want him to put in a screaming children section, but there’s no room for a drive-through window.

According to a new study, loneliness can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, insomnia and other medical conditions. What’s worse, lonely people refuse to see any physician other than Doctor McCoy and his tricorder.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A restaurant named Tony’s that serves actual Tonys

A German toymaker has unveiled a controversial new line of stuffed animals which all have psychiatric illnesses ranging from bipolar disorder to acute depression. It’s hard to believe there’s a market for a Teddy bear who is obsessed with dressing in teddies.

A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. He also dressed the poor orangutan in clothes that were every which way but loose.

A Web site for a Berlin restaurant offering “cannibal” cuisine turned out to be a prank by the German Vegetarian Society. Disappointed cannibals must continue their search for a restaurant named Tony’s that serves actual Tonys.

A Canadian UFO expert says a mysterious object photographed in the sky over rural Manitoba was probably a Chinese flying lantern, which are rice paper globes filled with hot air from a burning candle. The expert could not explain the story of a local farmer who says he was abducted and probed by a tiny Chinese alien with a glowing chopstick.

It’s official – “America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. To prepare to replace Larry, Morgan will spend the rest of the year watching softball games.

Rev. Terry Jones, the Florida church leader planning to burn copies of the Quran on Sept. 11, says he has received more than 100 death threats. Actually, he said he’s received CXVII death threats since he refuses to use Arabic numerals.

In Baton Rouge, Louisiana, a council member has proposed a public awareness campaign against men who wear their pants so low that their boxer shorts show that she’s calling “Low pants, no chance.” While they support the idea, the campaign slogan is being opposed by the local plumber’s union.

A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. Crows are pulling the popped corn off the ears and eating it in the farmer’s living room while watching “The Birds.”

Dennis Rodman claims he took six women to his bedroom at a Hamptons party and broadcast the orgy on his stereo system to everyone in attendance. Big deal. Listening to an orgy is like looking through the window at the woman next door who runs a phone sex service.

Actor Kelsey Grammer is one of the investors in a new Tea Party network called RightNetwork. In accordance with the Tea Party philosophy, it will only be available through video-on-demand, the Internet and mobile phones so it can never be “blacked”-out.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A new edible underwear shop called Starboxers

At 27 inches tall, Edward Nino Hernandez of Colombia is the new world's shortest man. He has a healthy sex life as long as he avoids women wearing T-shirts that say “You must be this tall to ride this ride.”

Steven Slater, the former JetBlue flight attendant who cursed a passenger and slid down an emergency exit chute is working on a plea bargain on the charges of reckless endangerment and trespassing. Unfortunately, his character witnesses are hundreds of crying babies he didn’t show in to the overhead compartment.

Skyscraper climber Dan Goodwin was arrested after scaling a 58-story San Francisco high-rise and then unfurling an American flag at the top. His legal fees are being paid by some San Francisco residents in return for letting them use his suction cups for something other than climbing.

Model and former Mrs. Mick Jagger Jerry Hall plans to auction some of her art collection, including a famous portrait that shows her nude when she was eight months pregnant. She offered it to Mick, but he says it doesn’t start him up or give him satisfaction and sticky fingers anymore.

An electronic roadside information sign in Seattle was hacked recently to display the message “eat my shorts.” No one is claiming responsibility, but it inspired a Seattle entrepreneur to open a new edible underwear shop called Starboxers.

British inventor Perry Watkins recently turned his Queen Anne dining table (set with silver) into a 130 mph vehicle and set the record for the world's fastest piece of furniture. It broke the previous record set by George W. Bush during his weekly White House office chair races.

Students at the University of Baltimore can now take an English class focused on zombies, zombie movies and zombie comic books. The class is being held at 7 am so the students will look the part.

A Florida couple arrested for allegedly breaking into a home in Key Largo told police they were looking for a place to “make out.” The woman was charged with criminal mischief while the man was charged with breaking and entering and entering and …

ABC News President David Westin is resigning after 13 years on the job. He knew it was time to go when he heard about his resignation the CBS Evening News.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Peanut-flavored elephant snot

Researchers in the Netherlands claim to have added bacteria to wet cement and developed concrete that heals its own cracks. If combining bacteria with wet cement heals cracks, how come there’s so many fractures around Charlie Sheen’s handprints in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater?

Ashton Kutcher told his Twitter followers that there’s no truth to rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. He also denied rumors that Demi makes him carry his cameras in a special pocket in the crotch of his pants.

A Western Australia court ruled that female-to-male transsexuals are still women. In other words, what you’re born with down under is what you are forever Down Under.

A British company claims its new bra can make breasts appear 10 years younger by lifting and shaping them. Hugh Hefner said if she’d wear six of them, he’d make Betty White a centerfold.

A 51-year-old music executive is suing Sean “P. Diddy” Combs for age discrimination because she was fired after undergoing hip surgery. He’ll be sorry one day when his nickname is “I Wish I Didn’t Have To Get Up So Often To P” Diddy.

A private equity firm made a $4 billion leveraged buyout of Burger King. Burger King is used to dealing with leverage since that’s what it takes to get a lot of its customers out of their chairs.

NASA experts helping Chilean authorities rescue 33 miners trapped underground says they should send the miners nutritional food rather than cigarettes and alcohol. Good idea. When the miners heard their smokes and booze was cut off, they started digging themselves out.

A researcher at Northwestern University received government stimulus funding for a project called “Computational Creativity: Building a Model of Machine-Generated Humor.” The project is being criticized by John McCain for being wasteful and by the cast of Saturday Night Live for stealing their best material.

The Empire State Building, the Chrysler Building and other New York skyscrapers are turning their lights off at night to keep migrating birds from getting disoriented. Unfortunately, now the building owners are being billed for the cost of cleaning all the bird poop off of the Statue of Liberty.

Researchers in Africa have observed ants crawling up into the trunks of elephants eating leaves off of trees where they live. They’re not sure if the ants are protecting the trees or are just hooked on the taste of peanut-flavored elephant snot.

A psychologist in Indonesia says the 2-year-old boy made famous by an Internet video showing him smoking cigarettes has kicked the habit. Now the kid just sucks his thumb after humping his teddy bear.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Sudden unexpected incineration

A 50-year-old businessman in Italy missed his ex-girlfriend so much after she dumped him that he paid over $18,000 to have a sex doll made in her image. Tiger Woods considered this but decided he didn’t want his house to look like a female version of the terracotta army.

The day after President Obama declared an end to combat in Iraq, Halliburton announced it was awarded a multi-million dollar contract to start work at the Zubair oil field in Iraq. When he heard the news, Dick Cheney had no one to celebrate with so he shot himself in the face.

A 12-acre California wildfire was started when a golfer trying to hit a ball out of the rough struck his club against a rock and the spark ignited dry grass. He won’t face charges for the fire but the PGA ruled he should have taken a penalty stroke for dropping his flaming ball in a water hazard.

A hiker in Washington state accidentally shot himself in the rear end when he moved his handgun from its holster to his back pocket. The shooting was cheered by fellow hikers who were tired of hearing him sing “The Happy Wanderer.”

An insurance investigator in northeast Arkansas found that a house fire that did $20,000 in damages was caused by the heat of dead plants decomposing in a plastic flowerpot. Unfortunately, their policy was with State Farm, not State Fern.

Conan O'Brien has decided to name his new TBS talk show “Conan.” Internally at TBS, it’s called NAOS – Not Another Old Sitcom.

Proctor & Gamble has taken out a $1 million insurance policy on the hair of its most famous Head & Shoulders spokesperson - Pittsburgh Steelers strong safety Troy Polamalu. If anything happens to Polamalu’s hair during a game, the opposing team will be given a 20-yard penalty and dandruff.

The United States team defeated Iran 88-51 in the world basketball championship. U.S. players say the Iranians called them names during the game because they hate our free throws.

In New Jersey, a female driver escaped injury when her car caught fire after she tried and failed to flick a still-burning cigarette out her window. She plans to sue Toyota because the fire was caused by sudden unexpected incineration.

On September 1, stores in the Philippines put up holiday decorations to start the world's longest Christmas season. In keeping with her annual tradition, Imelda Marcos hung 10,000 stockings on her fireplace.