Monday, November 30, 2009

Fun to choke cats with

The Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest atom smasher, broke the record for proton acceleration previously held by by Fermilab near Chicago. The record was broken in spite of efforts by President Obama to block the protons and keep the record in Chicago.

Chelsea Clinton is officially engaged to her longtime boyfriend, Marc Mezvinsky, whose father is a former congressman who served time for his involvement in a Nigerian investment scam. That explains why all wedding gifts will require three forms of ID.

The Supreme Court threw out an appeals court ruling ordering the disclosure of photographs of detainees being abused by their U.S. captors. They don’t want the American public to find out that some of the torturing was done by a couple that snuck into Abu Graib to get on a reality show.

A mysterious satellite channel in Iraq is broadcasting videos of Saddam Hussein. The most popular is one showing Saddam denying he had weapons of mass destruction in the form of a sitcom called The No Big Bang Theory.

Serena Williams was fined a record $82,500 for her tirade at the U.S. Open. Serena immediately threw another tantrum because that’s the money she was planning to spend this week on getting her nails done.

According to a new poll, Americans consider Rush Limbaugh to be the nation's most influential conservative voice by a wide margin over Glenn Beck. In an embarrassing turn of events, Sarah Palin finished fourth behind her book.

There’s a lot of confusion over the recent vote in Switzerland banning minarets. For example, Sarah Palin wants to know what the Swiss have against George Washington’s favorite dance.

Susan Boyle's debut record, "I Dreamed A Dream," entered the British album chart at Number One. The title song is from Les Miserables, which is French for how she feels when she’s not singing.

The hottest toy this Christmas season is the Zhu Zhu Pet, a tiny robotic hamster. Zhu Zhu comes from an African phrase which means “Fun to choke cats with.”

Comedian and actor Tom Arnold married his fourth wife, home organizer Ashley Groussman, in Maui over the weekend. It was a typical Hollywood wedding. They gave each other tattoo removals of the names of previous spouses and lovers.

Notre Dame fired coach Charlie Weis after a string of disappointing seasons. Weis has to be paid for the six years left on his contract, which means Notre Dame can only afford to replace him with a copy of Madden NFL 10.

Dutch scientists claim they’ve grown meat in a lab for the first time and say it tastes like soggy pork. Apparently the research is funded by McDonald’s in an attempt to introduce the McRib in Holland.

A German tourist was arrested on charges of making a false bomb threat while visiting Walt Disney World. His lawyer plans to plead temporary insanity caused when the poor man lost his tour guide and was stuck for hours in the “It’s A Small World” exhibit.