Tuesday, March 31, 2009

W. asked Laura if she owned any sleeveless outfits

The American College of Cardiology reports that some 50-year-old treatments for high blood pressure are being brought back with new technology. The tough part is getting people used to living with a 5-pound leech on their stomach.

The FDA is warning people not to eat any food containing pistachios because of possible contamination by salmonella. Pistachio growers are blaming the contamination on a frustrated revenge-seeking individual with fingernails too short to crack open the tiny red nuts.

Honda Motor Company has developed a way to read patterns of electric currents on a person's scalp as well as changes in the brain’s blood flow to send signals to a robot. Unfortunately, the first thing the test robot did was go out and buy a Prius.

Ford Motor Company introduced a new incentive program to cover payments for up to a year if customers lose their jobs. Ironically, selling cars to GM and Chrysler workers may put Ford into bankruptcy.

Topps, the trading card company, is coming out with a set of cards showcasing the “world's biggest hoaxes, hoodwinks and bamboozles” and featuring Bernie Madoff, Enron, D.B. Cooper and Charles Ponzi. It doesn’t include the biggest hoax in its own business – the scam that the hard pink slab in baseball card packs is actually bubble gum.

In response to last month's collision of two satellites in orbit, the Pentagon announced plans to begin tracking all 800 maneuverable spacecraft currently operating in space by October 1. The first step is to recruit 800 soldiers who won’t use the telescopes to track women living in the apartments across the street form the Pentagon.

At the National Mall in Washington, NASA unveiled a full-size mock-up of the Orion spacecraft designed to carry U.S. astronauts back to the moon and then on to Mars. The capsule seats six comfortably, or nine if NASA can find astronauts willing to fly for three years without tilting their seats back.

President Obama's Kenyan aunt, who has been living in the U.S. illegally for the past four years, hopes to use a little-known immigration rule that allows denied asylum claims to be reheard if applicants can show that something has changed to make them eligible. What’s changed for her is that her nephew can now send immigration agents trying to arrest her to Guantanamo.

Officials in Tokyo are testing wooden sidewalks to see if they help keep pedestrians' feet cooler in hot weather. They’re causing huge traffic jams because pedestrians keep stopping and waiting to hear someone sing “Under the Boardwalk.”

The utilities department in Painesville, Ohio, blames a malfunction with a chemical feeder for causing many customers to receive harmless pink water from their faucets. On the positive side, Painesville is now the leading choice to host the next Ohio Gay Pride Parade.

The latest polls show that America’s favorable view of first lady Michelle Obama is at 76 percent, a 28-point increase since last summer. She’s so popular, former President George W. Bush is sleeping in the doghouse after asking Laura if she owned any sleeveless outfits.

An Illinois man has built a car that transforms into an airplane and says the vehicle will be available to the public in two years for about $194,000. The price goes up to $200,000 if you want the optional horn that doesn’t attract geese.

A new survey found that 80 percent of Americans blame the financial industry, not President Barack Obama, for the current economic crisis. The other 20 percent didn’t answer the phone when the pollsters called because they don’t like to be interrupted when Rush is on.

Monday, March 30, 2009

The "Feel Full" Hit of the Summer

According to the British medical journal Lancet, researchers are testing an experimental daily “polypill” that combines aspirin and four blood pressure and cholesterol medicines. The aspirin is there to kill the pain from stretching your jaw to swallow a pill the size of a baseball.

New York is getting part of the federal stimulus package to repaint the Brooklyn Bridge. Because there’s a huge surplus of it available after President Obama unveiled his budget, the project will cost half as much if the bridge is painted black using painted tinted with black ink.

The journal Pediatrics reports that infants who gain too much weight as babies are more likely to grow into obese toddlers. If you want to read the report yourself, it’s on page “duh.”

Weather authorities have no logical explanation for the mysterious flashes of light reported in the sky above eastern Virginia, Maryland and North Carolina over the weekend. One theory blames global warming for allowing promoters to hold outdoor Pink Floyd laser shows earlier in the year.

When Secretary of State Hillary Clinton visited the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Mexico City, she mistakenly asked who painted the picture of the Virgin Mary that actually appeared miraculously on the cloak of St. Juan Diego. Her staff blamed it on the fact that she always gets flustered when the conversation turns to virgins.

A new business in Thornton, Colorado, offers weddings, funerals and cremations all under one roof. It’s popular with families holding shotgun weddings.

Four New York University freshmen tore down a secret marijuana den called "Narnia" that was entered through a hole in the back of a wardrobe. Apparently they were caught when Michael Phelps got stuck in the hole.

A new study found that video games involving high levels of action, like first-person-shooter games, can actually increase a player's real vision. Unfortunately, the benefits go away when the game players get older and switch to squinting at porn.

Rick Wagoner, the chairman and CEO of General Motors, stepped down at the request of the White House. That explains why Vice President Joe Biden is now in charge of starting the president’s Cadillac limo.

The Obamas have turned down a $100,000 allowance and are instead using their own money to redecorate the private areas of the White House. It’s costing more than they had budgeted for, which is the official explanation for why the portrait of former president George W. Bush is hanging on the refrigerator door with magnets.

The Fox Network announced a new reality dating show called “More to Love” that will feature plus-sized women competing to date an overweight man. Critics are predicting it will be the “feel full” hit of the summer.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Beware of the promise of a large check from a “General Tso.”

The single largest federal tobacco tax increase ever takes effect this week, raising the per-pack tax from 39 cents to $1.01. Some smokers are having a tough time covering the increase. President Obama had to ask himself for a bailout.

“High School Musical 3: Senior Year” was named the favorite movie at Nickelodeon’s Kids' Choice Awards slimefest. To the disappointment of parents watching, there wasn’t enough slime to choke off the air supply of producers planning more sequels.

Oakdale, California, is holding its annual Testicle Festival fundraising event, serving the private parts of bulls for charity. They’re called “mountain oysters” by fans and “The reason we go to Pomona every year” by the bulls.

A New York businessman is launching a new 99-proof kosher tequila called Agave 99 in time for Cinco de Mayo. A kosher tequila is the perfect drink to serve with menschiladas.

The IRS says that Brazilian race car driver and “Dancing With The Stars” winner Helio Castroneves owes more than $2.3 million in taxes because of unreported income and improper deductions over a five-year period. If found guilty, he could be sentenced to years in prison or worse … one night with Cloris Leachman.

Computer researchers have uncovered a cyber spy network based mainly in China that hacked into classified documents from government and private organizations in 103 countries. You know you’ve been hacked if you recently received an email asking for help cashing a large check from a “General Tso.”

Astronauts on Russia's Soyuz spacecraft were forced to manually dock with the International Space Station after an engine failure knocked out the automatic docking system. Billionaire and Microsoft developer Charles Simonyi, onboard as a space tourist, was heard crying out, “Why didn’t I go on “Dancing With The Stars” like the Woz?”

An Italian archaeologist claims she’s discovered what is believed to be the oldest site of religious worship in Cyprus, a temple which is about 4,000 years old. Some things never change. A carving in the wall describes a scandal involving a holy man and a Greek boy.

A study of triathlons found that the swim-bike-run competitions pose at least twice the risk of sudden death as marathons. Most of the triathlon deaths are caused by the shock of jumping into cold water or the shock of jumping onto a bike that’s had its seat removed by a sleazy competitor.

Thousands of poisonous cane toads became fertilizer in an annual mass killing of the unwanted amphibians in Australia. The top killer was a desperate woman in a crown with warts all over her lips.

More than 2,800 cities worldwide participated in Earth Hour by going dark for an hour on Saturday. Experts predict that the effects will begin to show up in 9 months with the birth of millions of Earth Hour babies.

Secret sources inside the federal government says the use of waterboarding and other harsh interrogation techniques on a high-value U.S. terror detainees produced only false leads. On the other hand, they worked great on reporters trying to investigate Dick Cheney shooting his friend in the face.

A Los Angeles art gallery is planning an exhibit featuring 36 photographs of President Obama taken 29 years ago when he was an Occidental College student. The photos all come with a disclaimer stating that college student Obama’s red eyes are the photographer’s fault.

Sources in England say Michael Jackson is renting a country house near London close to caves rumored to be haunted. It any locals haven’t seen pale scary-looking apparitions walking around the caves at night before, they will now.

Friday, March 27, 2009

He could be President Obama’s new B.F.F.

President Obama met with a group of bank CEOs at the White House to discuss his plan to stabilize the financial system. There were so many pinstripes in the Oval Office, Joe Biden came by hoping to get Derek Jeter’s autograph.

Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva blames the global financial collapse on “white and blue-eyed” financiers. If he feels the same way about wars and politicians, he could be President Obama’s new B.F.F.

Although she doesn’t have birth records to prove it, a woman in Kazakhstan claims she’s 130 years old, which makes her 12 years older than the current official world’s oldest person. Experts are a little suspicious because she attributes her advanced age to cottage cheese, no sweets and lying.

Forty judges in Britain's High Court say they want to ditch their new robes because they look too much like a “Star Trek” outfit. It’s so distracting, a couple of judges found themselves replacing their “Order in the court!” with “Fire photon torpedoes!”

Health officials in Oklahoma are blaming group sex parties for a recent outbreak of syphilis. On the bright side, they’re also the cause of a recent outbreak of Oklahoma tourism.

Former “Eight is Enough” and “Charles in Charge” actor Willie Aames held a garage sale at his suburban Kansas City home to help pay off debts. Poor guy couldn’t even get on “Dancing With The Stars” even though he still has two good knees.

President Obama says he’s sending more troops to Afghanistan to “disrupt, dismantle and defeat” al-Qaida. His teleprompter must be stuck. That’s the same thing he said when he announced his March Madness picks.

President Obama appeared ins a prerecorded message during the told the Premio Lo Nuestro” Latin music awards show on the Univision Spanish-language TV network. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal then gave the Republican response at the Tennessee Yodeling Awards ceremony.

A prison inmate in Washington forced an evacuation when the toilet sausage he was making sent smoke through the prison sewer system. A lot of the inmates were confused about the evacuation announcement since “Smoking toilet sausage” is also a popular prison pickup line.

Britain's annual competition for the oddest book title was won by “The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-milligram Containers of Fromage Frais.” Oprah has picked it for both her book club and her next fondue party.

Electric car company Tesla Motors unveiled its new Model S sedan that will get 300 miles per charge and sell for $49,900 after a government tax credit. Tesla is the Arabic word for “Please bring back $4 a gallon gas.”

The journal Science reports that a new sensor allows researchers and conservationists to watch the movement of large groups of fish up to 25 miles across. Once a school of fish reaches that size, it’s classified as a Big Ten school.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

A right-wing tribe known as the Neo-Comanches

Grammy-nominated R&B singer Wayna was arrested at a Houston airport after trying to get on a plane with a collapsible police baton that she uses while performing a song called “Billy Club.” Airline restrictions like that are why most male rappers prefer to sing about hoes.

At his virtual town hall meeting, President Obama said the Big Three automakers have to change their ways. This was actually good news for the auto industry since everyone else refers to them as the Small Three.

At his virtual town hall meeting, President Obama said the ideal path to universal health care is to build on the current employer-based system and not the European system. To prove his point that the European system doesn’t work, he then uploaded a picture of Amy Winehouse.

At his virtual town hall meeting, President Obama said he doesn't think legalizing marijuana is a good strategy for turning around the economy. Unfortunately, he didn’t have time to answer the follow-up question about why the Cheech and Chong reunion tour is sold out.

The government of Malawi has confirmed that Madonna is to trying to adopt a second child from that African country. With the nanny problems she’s had lately, she’s hoping to find a child that was raised by dogs or cats.

Governor Bill Richardson signed legislation making New Mexico the first state to adopt an official cowboy song: “Under the New Mexico Skies” by Syd Masters. Texas wanted to be first but border problems with Mexico forced it to drop “Don’t Fence Me In.”

Twenty-two students at St. Mary's College of California crammed themselves into a phone booth, recreating a popular college stunt from the 1950s. They missed the record of 25 because the booth was inoperable and the kids wanted enough room to reach for their cell phones.

Fans attending games of the West Michigan Whitecaps, a minor league baseball team, can dine on a 4-pound, $20 burger containing a whopping 4,800 calories. Anyone who eats the whole thing in one sitting gets a special T-shirt and is made an honorary backstop.

Matt Lauer returned to the “Today” show with his arm in a sling after flipping his bicycle over a deer. Everyone spent so much time talking about it, the cast of Matt bumped the cast of “30 Rock.”

L.A. police arrested a man for jumping a security fence at the studio where “Dancing With the Stars” is taped and trying to stalk contestant and Olympic gymnastics champion Shawn Johnson. It didn’t bother Shawn but dance Mark Ballas was wishing she was an Olympic weightlifter so he’d have a bigger partner to hide behind.

Merengue star Elvis Crespo is being investigated after a woman reported that he masturbated in front of passengers on an airplane en route from Houston to Miami. Those who got a glimpse of what Elvis grabbed were disappointed to find out it resembled a lemon meringue.

A Native American tribe is having trouble convincing the Texas state Legislature to let it reopen its casino because of a rule women from voting in tribal council elections. Apparently it’s a right-wing tribe known as the Neo-Comanches.

Kentucky Fried Chicken has offered to fill up potholes throughout Louisville in return for the right to stamp the newly repaired holes with the slogan, “Re-freshed by KFC.” It’s only fair since the potholes are caused by extra- heavy cars carrying people who eat a lot of KFC.

The Farrelly brothers say their new movie version of "The Three Stooges" may star Sean Penn as Larry, Jim Carrey as Curly and Benicio Del Toro as Moe. That’s what happens when you spend all of your money on special effects and have to leave the casting to a Magic 8-ball.

The headmaster of the prestigious institution Boston Latin School for boys says that contrary to popular rumors, the school is not a home for vampires. The rumors were started by pale geeky students hoping to get dates with “Twilight” fans.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

An Oscar with a beer can crushed against his forehead

AIG executive vice president Jake DeSantis sent his letter of resignation to CEO Edward M. Liddy to the New York Times editorial page. The letter was reprinted in newspapers across the country along with an ad from a company making the world’s tiniest violins.

According to a new poll, about one-third of Americans under the age of 40 believe that shows like The Daily Show and The Colbert Report are replacing "traditional" news outlets. What’s worse, the other two-thirds believe that the traditional news outlets are being replaced by asking their moms.

Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa are being sued by their former housekeeper, who claims they’re tough to work with. In a show of solidarity, her legal fees are being paid by the rest of the Lakers.

In France, striking workers at a 3M factory held their boss hostage to protest layoffs and cutbacks. They couldn’t ask for much of a ransom since all they had to write on was a Post-It note.

A watercolor self-portrait of Adolf Hitler, thought to be the first he ever painted, is going up for auction next month. It comes with a note written by Hitler threatening imprisonment to anyone who points out that he painted outside the lines.

Dennis Quaid and Julianne Moore have been picked to play Bill and Hillary Clinton in a movie HBO is working on called “The Special Relationship.” To get ready for the role, Quaid has been watching one of earlier films, “Great balls of Fire!”

A New York construction worker played the last three digits of Bernie Madoff’s prison number in the state lottery and won $1,500. The next day he got a letter carved in soap from Madoff demanding a cut.

Police in Huntington beach, California, are looking for a woman who used a false identity to get breast implants and liposuction and then skipped town. Based on her doctor’s description, be on the lookout for a woman resembling two balloons on a stick.

Forestry officials in far western China are using abortion pills to stop a plague of wild gerbils threatening the area’s ecosystem. The use of the abortion pills has been condemned by Pope Benedict, who has a soft spot for a rodent named Ben.

School distracts across the country are switching to new standards-based report cards that use the number 1 through 4 instead of letter grades. At the request of former president George W. Bush, some schools also allow fractions between 0 and 1.

In an interview in AARP The Magazine, 63-year-old Dolly Parton says she has no plans to retire. However, she now limits herself to concert venues with tiltable stages so she doesn’t tip over.

A research firm named Nashville the country’s “Manliest City” because it has a lot of monster truck rallies and not many minivans. The trophy looks like an Oscar only with a beer can crushed against his forehead.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Change his Secret Service code name to Bruce Wayne

The Obama administration is looking for new environmentally-friendly disposable coffee cups to use during White House meetings. There’s still thousands of biodegradable cups left over from the Bush administration, but President Obama can’t think while looking at the word “Dixie.”

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner wants Congress to give him new powers to regulate huge financial companies like AIG. It would give him both public control over huge amounts of money as well as secret powers, which would force the Secret Service to change his code name to Bruce Wayne.

A parrot that alerted his owner about a baby who was choking was recognized as a hero by the Red Cross and given its Animal Lifesaver Award. The parrot is pretty smart, since it accepted the award by saying, “Polly wanna sell it on eBay.”

NASA won’t say if it will name a new room on the international space station “Colbert” after fans of Stephen Colbert wrote in his name in the space agency’s online contest to pick a name. Fans of Jon Stewart are now petitioning NASA to name the new urine recycling system “Cramer.”

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has a new job as a radio talk show host on the Chicago AM station WLS. WLS now stand for “Weaselly Losers Station.”

Maryland Democratic Senator Benjamin Cardin has proposed that newspapers be allowed to operate as nonprofits and have a tax-exempt status similar to public broadcasting stations. Unfortunately, no one knows about the proposal because he explained it in a newspaper Letter to the Editor.

In Florida, an eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas that made the other kids laugh before the stench caused them to choke. The eight-grader plans to use the suspension time to pitch the incident as a show on MTV.

A pastor and parishioner of a church in Wisconsin were cited by police for shooting an arrow during a church service as a so-called “teaching tool.” Now the rest of the parishioners have to decide which one will be the ass the Messiah rides on Palm Sunday.

Comedian George Lopez is joining the late-night talk show competition with his own show starting in November that he says will have an outdoor street-party atmosphere. An Hispanic male on the street at night. Isn’t that the premise of every episode of ‘CSI: Miami’?

Kiefer Sutherland says he’ll play Jack Bauer for an eighth season of “24” but the writers have to come up with a good story line. That could be tough. It will be the first season when they can’t call up at the last minute and get ideas from Dick Cheney.

President Obama made his first video conference call to the astronauts on the International Space Station this week. Not knowing why the president was calling, the astronauts panicked and offered to give back their hazardous duty bonuses.

Former President George H.W. Bush gave the McLane Leadership in Business Award to actor Chuck Norris. If you’re not familiar with this award, it goes annually to a person the elder Bush wishes was his son.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Their combined shouting may cause avalanches

In an interview in O Magazine, Oprah Winfrey asked First Lady Michelle Obama about rumors that she has a “baby bump,” which Mrs. Obama denied. In a related story, President Obama instructed Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to add Oprah to the 90% tax list.

A New Jersey lawmaker wants the federal ban on sports betting in 46 states overturned to help business at Atlantic City casinos. Have you seen the gamblers at Atlantic City casinos? The only sports they might be interested in betting on are the Senior Olympics.

The National Association of Realtors reports that sales of existing homes rose unexpectedly from January to February. Unfortunately, half of the sales were to banks using bailout money to buy houses of cards.

“Today” show co-host Matt Lauer had surgery on the shoulder he separated when he fell off his bike trying to avoid a deer. When he gets back, Matt’s first edition of “Where In The World Is Matt Lauer?” is expected to be from a deer sausage plant.

India’s Tata Motors will pick 100,000 names from a hat to pick the first owners of the Nano, the world’s cheapest car at $2,000. Watch for people experienced in driving on Indian roads to sell their winning tickets on eBay once they see how small the Nano is compared a cow.

NASA has delayed tests of the International Space Station's urine recycler after problems developed with the centrifuge-like device. While they don’t have concrete proof, NASA suspects one of the Russian cosmonauts tried to use it to make vodka margaritas.

Billionaire Charles Simonyi, a Microsoft co-founder, paid $35 million to become the world’s first two-time space tourist. He’s spent a total of $60 million to be out in space, which is still less than the total Willie Nelson has spent to be spaced out.

Alaska's Mount Redoubt volcano erupted five times in one night, sending ashes more than 9 miles into the air. Alaska’s governor Sarah Palin immediately blamed it on President Obama, saying his constant basketball dribbling has shifted the Earth’s tectonic plates.

A group of New Jersey students are pushing for the tomato, which is not officially a vegetable, to be the official state vegetable. While the tomato is not a major New Jersey crop, more are thrown there than in any other state.

Comedienne Roseanne Barr is working with a writer from “Arrested Development” to develop a new family sitcom with her as the mother. I think it’s called “Arrested Career.”

Former Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean is now a regular contributor for the business news network CNBC. Dean is not allowed to appear at the same time as Jim Cramer because experts warn that their combined shouting may cause avalanches.

President Obama has been meeting secretly with former Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev to discuss ways to “press the reset button” on ties with Russia. Gorbachev likes hanging around with Obama just for the chance to hear people yelling “You Socialist!” again.

The Vatican is planning to call a boycott of the new film "Angels & Demons," the follow-up to "The Da Vinci Code." Pope Benedict says that Catholics seeing the movie must go to confession and then perform a penance of seeing “The Bells of St. Mary’s” five times.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Bush had the same complaint about the windows of the Oval Office

Every morning when the front window of a florist shop in Reigate, England, fogs up, the words “licensed sex shop” appear, remnants of the sign of the previous tenant. George W. Bush used to have the same complaint about the windows of the Oval Office.

Bowing to public demand, Google Maps has removed some street scenes from its mapping service after people in England complained because they showed people being arrested and walking into sex shops. The scenes will now be available at a new service called Google Whoops.

A Spanish transsexual man who was born a woman and still has his female parts has given birth to twins. He wants to keep it a secret from the twins, but eventually he’ll have to explain why he named them Either and Or.

Bryan Fuller, who writes for series “Heroes,” has told “Star Trek” director J.J. Abrams that he has an idea for a new Star Trek TV series. He’ll link it to the original 1960s show by having the Starship Enterprise played by William Shatner.

A wildlife photographer for the BBC took pictures of a pink elephant calf with a herd of about 80 elephants in Botswana. Experts say it’s either an albino with sunburn or the result of the rest of the herd getting into a fermented vineyard.

Scientists at the University of Iowa have created a small wireless device that monitors the use of hand hygiene dispensers by healthcare workers. This will replace the current monitoring technique of watching to see if the health care worker makes a face when he rubs his nose with his hand.

According to a Consumer Product Safety Commission report, more than 870,000 people are injured annually doing spring cleaning. If you hurt yourself doing spring cleaning, maybe you should try doing less winter dirtying.

A busload of activists representing working-class families visited the lavish homes of AIG executives over the weekend. They managed to sneak past the security guard at the gate by replacing the greyhound on the side of the bus with a picture of a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.

In his appearance on “60 Minutes,” President Obama responded to criticisms from Dick Cheney by saying that the detainee policy of the Bush administration “hasn’t made us any safer.” He may have gone a little too far by comparing the Bush detainee policy to paying keep-away at the Special Olympics.

Legislators in Florida and Alaska are considering bans on humans having sex with animals. Florida wants to put these people in jail, but Alaska Governor Sarah Palin wants to catch them in the act and shoot them from her helicopter.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Quarter-Pounder with Beets

President Obama is still trying to recover from the gaff he made on “The Tonight Show” comparing his bowling to being in the Special Olympics. Today he ordered the IRS to put a 90 percent tax on the bonus he paid his speechwriters.

CBS announced it is renewing its top sitcom “Two and a Half Men” through the 2011-2012 season. At that point they may have to finally cancel it because the “half” man, Angus T. Jones, will have passed Charlie Sheen in maturity.

A new survey found that as many as 60 million U.S. cell phone users are planning to cut back on usage due to the prolonged economic recession. As a result, “American Idol” is asking Ryan Seacrest to move to a smaller dressing room so they can use his current one as a warehouse for postcards.

Restaurants in Russia that serve foreign cuisine are having to switch to local foods because of the devalued ruble. Unfortunately, even Russians won’t go to McDonalds for a Quarter-Pounder with Beets.

Researchers at McGill University in Montreal say rats that consume low-to-moderate levels of alcohol get a feeling of well-being because their beta-endorphins are increased. Do you know what this means? Canada is developing an army of beer-swigging rats that could destroy life in America as we know it.

In a new video with Farsi subtitles, President Obama reached out to the Iranian people during the festival of Nowruz, a major Iranian holiday. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad plans to send a similar message back to Obama on Easter by throwing eggs at the U.S. Embassy.

The Russian Navy announced it will build the first of its new ultra-quiet Project 677 Lada-class diesel submarines next year. Luckily, the U.S. Navy will still be able to track the diesel submarines by watching for fish holding their noses.

First lady Michelle Obama turned the first shovel of dirt in the new 1,100-square-foot garden that will be planted next to the White House. The organic garden should do well since the White House gets a steady supply of manure from Congress.

NYPD arrested the man suspected of shooting an arrow in the Bronx that hit a woman in the stomach. He’ll be charged with assault, reckless endangerment and impersonating William Tell without humming the overture.

J.J. Abrams' new “Star Trek” film will have its world premiere at the Sydney Opera House on April 7. Australians didn’t like the Star Trek TV series at first, but now they love Captain Kirk ever since William Shatner developed a pouch.

A former police officer in England has been ordered to pay a fine for speeding on his motorcycle despite claiming his actions were caused by a sneeze. In a related story, pepper sales at British convenience stores along major freeways are way down.

Britain's Prince William has admitted that as a boy he wanted to be a police officer. Not just any police officer. OK, a police officer who wore a crown, made hookers curtsey and locked up drunks in the Tower of London, but still a police officer.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Arnold had the better tan

California prison officials released a new photo of Charles Manson showing that the famous mass murderer is going bald and his forehead swastika is fading. He’s starting to look less like a crazy killer and more like a crazy old man who fell asleep face down while reading “Mein Kampf.”

Former President George Bush's memoir about how he made major decisions is tentatively titled “Decision Points.” That wasn’t his first choice for a title, but O.J. Simpson already used “If I Did It.”

Did you see Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger with President Obama in California? It looked like Obama had the better message but Arnold had the better tan.

President Obama has signed a contract and received a $500,000 advance for a book about his presidential years that he doesn’t have to deliver until he leaves office. Being a basketball fan, he’s hoping he can call the book “The Elite Eight” and not “The Final Four.”

A group of NFL players appealed to Congress to support the FIT Kids Act which would promote physical education in schools. To show the kids what happens if they eat junk food and don’t work out, the group included players from the Detroit Lions.

The New Jersey Cosmetology and Hairstyling Board wants to ban ‘Brazilian’ bikini waxing after two women reported getting infections from them. True Brazilian waxing experts blame the infections on non-Brazilians who don’t know how to deal with Amazon jungles.

A Red Angus cow gave birth to rare triplet bull calves at Washington State University's College of Veterinary Medicine. I guess that makes her an Ox-o-Mom.

Microsoft is offering a $250,000 reward for information leading to the capture of the creator of the Conficker computer virus that is expected to send instructions to infected computers on April 1. If that’s not enough, Bill Gates will throw in the iPhones he confiscated from his wife and kids.

Former evangelical pastor Ted Haggard and his wife will appear on “Divorce Court” to talk about their marriage after Haggard was linked to a male prostitute. The title of the episode is Not-So-Better-Off Ted.

Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden has released his second audio tape in less than a week. Middle East experts believe bin Laden is getting some extra work done before he moves to a sunnier cave for a week for Spring Break.

Dictionary publisher Merriam-Webster has caused a controversy by changing the definition of "marriage" in its latest edition to include same-sex unions. This has created a dilemma for people who want to boycott buying Merriam-Webster dictionaries but need the books to look up names to call the company.

The owner of New York’s Nino’s 208 Italian restaurant is offering free meals to victims of Bernard Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. If you really hate Bernie, order the pie with his face outlined in pepperoni and slice it up yourself.

IBM is attempting to acquire Sun Microsystems, which would require incorporating Sun’s Silicon Valley attitude into IBM’s New York corporate culture. Anticipating the inevitable, Sun executives have already begun shopping for black wing-tipped sandals.

The head of Kellogg Co., the world's largest cereal maker, asked Congress to revamp the government food safety system after his company lost $70 million in the recent salmonella outbreak. When asked what his profits look like because of the recalls, the Kellogg’s CEO said, “They’re grrrrrrross!”

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Paper or Plastic?

Former President George W. Bush says he plans to write a book about the 12 toughest decisions he made in office. He’s already finished the first chapter, “Paper or Plastic?”

AIG CEO Edward Liddy says the “cold realities of competition” compelled the company to pay $165 million in bonuses. If he thinks realities are cold now, wait until he finds out that AIG isn’t getting any more bailouts until hell is frozen.

A Massachusetts state trooper found 20 grams of crack cocaine inside a sack of dog food in the back seat of a car he pulled over. He decided to check the bag after noticing the dog had chewed a steak bone into the shape of a pipe.

Time Inc. is experimenting with a customized magazine that allows readers to select sections from eight magazines published by the company. The first issue is expected to be full of Letters to the Editor demanding that Time buys Playboy.

A new study found that a so-call “smart drug” popular with college students may be addictive. The problem came to light when a large number of pharmacies in college towns were robbed during the Game Show Network’s recent 48-hour Jeopardy marathon.

Paparazzi were swarming the new California home of Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman when she brought home the first two of her eight babies. She won’t make that mistake again. Next time she’ll just bring home just one baby so she has the other hand free to wave.

While on his trip to California, President Obama visited an electric car plant. This is the first time a president has looked at large-scale batteries since Bush helped Cheney pick out a new on for his defibrillator.

Comedienne and talk show host Ellen DeGeneres will have the title role in the movie “Mother Nature.” She took the role after learning that some cultures believe Mother Nature causes thunder by dancing.

Colorado is considering repealing a 19th-century ban on the collection of rainwater by private citizens. Apparently Colorado prisons are becoming overcrowded with people convicted of puddle possession.

Maryland is moving towards becoming the ninth state to prohibit people from sending text messages while driving. The other 41 states still prefer to have natural selection kill off these idiots.

Pope Benedict XVI says he wants to see priests dressed more like priests, wearing black outfits with clerical collars or ankle-length cassocks. Altar boys asked the pope to also recommend cowbells.

An Italian porn star made an appearance at the Milan stock exchange in her underwear to protest financiers who are “stripping Italians of everything but their underwear.” A porn star tried a similar protest at the New York Stock Exchange, but authorities removed her before she could demonstrate how Wall Street is sticking it to us.

A recent survey found that 18 percent of U.S. office workers have participated in March Madness college basketball pools at their jobs. The other 82 percent are participating in the new and more lucrative Dancing With The Stars pool.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Recessionosaurus

President Obama told Congress to pass his $3.6 trillion budget because it will “spark the transformation” the country needs to remain economically competitive. How about a spark to light a blowtorch to burn down AIG?

President Obama picked Pittsburgh Steelers owner Dan Rooney to be U.S. ambassador to Ireland. Rooney got the job over another NFL owner who offered to change the name of his team to the Green Beer Packers.

Retired porn star Jenna Jameson and mixed martial arts fighter Tito Ortiz are the proud parents of twin boys. The twins are lucky … when they find out what their mom did for a living, they’ll each have someone to go to therapy with.

Retired porn star Jenna Jameson and mixed martial arts fighter Tito Ortiz are the proud parents of twin boys. It’s a good thing babies are born with their eyes closed … they didn’t see all the names written on mom’s birth canal walls.

Border agents in Brownsville, Texas, arrested a man trying to smuggle his wife into the U.S. inside a speaker box. The agents got suspicious when they tried to play a Jonas Brothers CD on the car stereo and the speaker sang “La Bamba.”

Singer Amy Winehouse pleaded not guilty to assaulting a fan at a party last year in London. Amy plans to show the jury a tattoo she got of the party which shows her nowhere near the alleged victim.

A judge tossed out a lawsuit accusing the makers of “The Family Guy” of illegally doing a parody that turned the song “When You Wish Upon a Star” into an anti-Semitic ballad. The makers of “The Family Guy” now face a class action suit filed by millions of viewers who still can’t get the song out of their heads.

Canadian researchers have discovered North America's smallest known dinosaur, a tiny predator half the size of a house cat and related to the Velociraptor. The mini dinosaur was a meat eater that survived primarily on feet and ankles.

Scientists studying the fossils of a giant Jurassic-era sea monster found in the Arctic say it had a bite four times as powerful as a T-Rex and could crush a Hummer. Based on that, they’ve decided to name it the Recessionosaurus.

While in Africa, Pope Benedict XVI said that condoms are not the answer in the fight against HIV. However, he did say that condoms are the answer to the question, “What should Catholics use to cover their fingers when the church roof leaks?”

Iowa Republican Senator Charles Grassley said in an interview that AIG executives should do like disgraced Japanese executives do and kill themselves. He retracted the comment when he found out that’s also what disgraced Japanese senators do.

Sara Jane Olson, the 1970s radical who spent 25 years as a fugitive, was released from a California prison after serving seven years for crimes she committed as a member of the Symbionese Liberation Army. Sarah Palin is preparing a speech on Olson called “Six Degrees of Barack Obama.”

According to a study in the journal BMC Neuroscience, when musicians play together their brain waves become synchronized. Now you know the real reason the Stones keep touring … to prove Keith Richards still has brain waves.

According to a new study, older people with multiple hospital admissions for heart failure receive little benefit from implanted defibrillators. Dick Cheney says this doesn’t prove the rumors that he’s actually a cyborg.

Word out of Buckingham Palace is that a carpet Queen Elizabeth II commissioned for $351,000 was ruined by spilled tea only two days after it was installed. In a related story, Prince Charles has canceled public appearances while he has a teaspoon removed from his nose.

Sunday, March 15, 2009


Insurance giant AIG is paying its executives $165 million in bonuses even though it received a taxpayer bailout of more than $170 billion dollars. AIG now stands for Another Idiotic Giveaway.

Chaos broke out outside the Park Central New York hotel in Manhattan when hundreds of wannabe models waiting to audition for “America's Next Top Model” started fighting. Apparently it all began when someone dropped a cookie and they all dove for it.

In his weekly address, President Obama told China that it should have “absolute confidence” that its sizable investments in the United States are safe. China would have more confidence if Americans knew the name of one other Chinese leader besides General Tso.

President Obama nominated former New York City Health Commissioner Margaret Hamburg as the head of the Food and Drug Administration. Hamburg is expected to cut out pork at the agency and work closely with Barney Frank.

While meeting with Brazil's President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, President Obama said he’d love to visit Brazil and travel down the Amazon, but he suspected the Republicans would want him to get lost there. Rush Limbaugh responded that if Obama takes a boat trip down the Amazon, he hopes he sails.

A rare copy of the 1938 edition of Action Comics No. 1, the first comic book featuring Superman, sold at an auction for $317,200. Bidding was expected to be higher, but a number of people dropped out when they found out Superman’s real identity wasn’t Barack Obama.

In Portland, Oregon, an elementary school principal banned a fifth-grader from wearing a Barack Obama mask while singing a rap song in the school's talent show. This was a big disappointment to the little girl who was planning to wear a Sarah Palin mask and accuse him of palling around with the school bully.

A Wisconsin interstate was shut down after two semi-trailer trucks collided and 3,000 pounds of sausages fell out of one truck. No one was hurt in the crash, but a number of Wisconsin drivers scraped their tongues licking the pavement.

George Clooney says he doesn’t like the idea that the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants to develop a flavored tofu called CloFu that is based on the smell of his sweat found on a discarded gym towel. You don’t want to know what PETA is using for another flavor called HoFu.

Its publisher says demand for an upcoming biographical comic book about First Lady Michelle Obama is overwhelming. Like the real first lady, comic book superhero Michele Obama fights evil by warding off bad guys with her muscular arms.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

More singers in silly hats

It’s official -- Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin, the daughter of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, have broken off their engagement less than three months after having a baby. It’s the usual irreconcilable differences … he wanted to hang out with his friends and she wanted her mother to hang him.

China’s Foreign Minister Yang Jiechi had a meeting at the White House with President Obama. Unlike similar meetings during the Bush administration, the Foreign Minister didn’t have to bring along an autographed basketball from Yao Ming.

A survey of leading economists gave President Barack Obama and Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner failing grades for their efforts to revive the U.S. economy. This is like Rush Limbaugh giving failing grades to his marriage counselor and Narcotics Anonymous sponsor.

Hawaii's lieutenant governor says a “Saturday Night Live” sketch about locals who hate visitors may hurt the state’s tourism industry. He’d be more believable if he wasn‘t also calling for a ban on hula hoops.

NASA has started beaming live video from just outside the International Space Station, but the online feeds are available only when the crew is asleep or off duty. Lind of like C-SPAN.

NASA scientists have successfully commanded the Mars Odyssey spacecraft to reboot its computer. The Odyssey refused to do it until the scientists promised that Control-ALT-Delete would not wipe out its collection of Martian porn.

The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at then-President George W. Bush was convicted of assaulting a foreign leader and sentenced to three years in prison. If you think that’s bad, the shoes got five years on the feet of a guy with smelly socks.

After pleading guilty to 11 charges, Bernard Madoff was taken to prison where he’ll stay until he’s sentenced on June 16. Some things never change. The first thing he did when he got there was carve a bar of soap into a pyramid.

On the latest Forbes annual list of the world's richest people, Bill Gates moved back to the number one spot even though he lost $18 billion in 2008. You know things are bad when Forbes had to ask Gates to pay for his own “World’s Richest Man” coffee mug.

NASA scientists report that two recent U.S. space missions have produced discoveries concerning salmonella bacteria. And now you know the real reason why the space station needed a new toilet.

The new wave band Devo announced on its Web site that it is working on its first full-length album since 1990. After seeing Aretha Franklin at the inauguration, Devo decided the country is ready for more singers in silly hats.

The New York Yankees announced that the new Yankee Stadium will become the first Major League Baseball facility to be treated using the Sports Antimicrobial System. Only the team areas will be treated after vendors protested that the antibacterial spray could cause hotdogs to disappear.

Standard & Poor’s has dropped General Electric’s top credit rating from AAA to AA+. Standard & Poor’s analysts may change their minds once they get tired of working by candlelight.

The London-based Willis Group Holdings insurance broker is moving its operations to the Sears Tower and the building will be renamed Willis Tower. Or, as shocked Chicagoans call it, the “Whatchu talkin’ about?” Tower.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Born To Have Tantrums

Stephen Colbert is asking fans to write in his name in NASA's online public vote to name a new room to be added to the international space station. Colbert’s former boss on Comedy Central thought about doing the same thing, but NASA informed him the space station already has a john.

North Carolina's two U.S. senators are proposing tougher restrictions on cigarette advertising and labeling in an attempt to convince Congress not to pass a bill that could be even harder on the state's tobacco industry. These senators know not to mess with their state’s tobacco industry because it has half the ingredients for tar-and-feathering.

The Labor Department reports that California, South Carolina, Michigan and Rhode Island registered unemployment rates above 10 percent in January. Unfortunately for Michigan, none of the people laid off played for the Lions.

Apple unveiled a smaller version of the iPod shuffle with a new feature that speaks the names of artists and songs. If Apple made one that also announced the names and songs of contestants on “American Idol,” we could get rid of Ryan Seacrest for good.

Employees at a Philadelphia pet shop opened a crate that was supposed to contain tropical fish and found a corpse instead. Apparently it was the work of a hard-of-hearing hit man who thought his boss said the guy should “Sleep at the fish store.”

Police in New Mexico found 1,200 pounds of pot packed in cans whose labels said they contained spinach. The cops got suspicious when they noticed that the shipment was going to someone named Redeye the Sailor Man.

Concert promoters have increased the number of shows Michael Jackson will perform in London from 10 to 25 after advance tickets sold out within hours of going on sale. The British can relate to performers who carry umbrellas, have funny walks and look like they haven’t been in the sun since the 80s.

NASA scientists are claiming that droplets seen on the Phoenix Mars lander shortly after it landed are evidence of liquid water on the planet. This would also explain why the Phoenix kept requesting a second lander to bring it some windshield wipers.

The FDA has a approved a new less expensive female condom that the manufacturer hopes will be cheap enough to get women to try it. Unfortunately, market research shows that for women to use a female condom, it has to be free or come with a list of guys who won’t object to it.

An Iraqi court has sentenced Saddam Hussein's cousin Chemical Ali to 15 years in prison. His lawyer is trying to convince the judge not to send him to a new prison downwind from a sulfur plant.

An American Airlines plane made an emergency landing at New York’s Kennedy Airport minutes after taking off from LaGuardia. The pilot had a hard time hearing the control tower over the screams of passengers begging him to land in the Hudson.

Museum officials opened Abraham Lincoln's pocket watch and found a message put there by the watchmaker that read, “The first gun is fired. Slavery is dead. Thank God we have a President who at least will try.” In a related story, President Obama opened up a watch that seemed to be running backwards and found a message that read, “Rush is right!”

Artists at a tattoo studio in Miami have created a line of infant clothing with images of fire-breathing dragons, tigers and other popular tattoos. They hope this will satisfy toddlers coming to the store and demanding tattoos that read, “Born To Have Tantrums.”

According to a new study, the older a father is, the lower the IQ of his children will be. This was good news for former president George W. Bush who now blames his IQ on the fact that his dad was an old man while he was in office.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Donner and Blitzen were replaced by Harold and Fumar

Eddie Doyle, bartender for 35 years at the Bull & Finch, the Boston tavern that inspired the television show “Cheers,” has been laid off. Poor guy has gone from the place where everybody knows your name to the unemployment office, the place where everybody knows you’re broke.

The winner of the 47th annual Conch Shell Blowing Contest held recently in Key West, Florida, played Frank Sinatra’s “Strangers in the Night.” If you closed your eyes and listened, you could almost hear Sinatra shoving the conch shell down the guy’s throat.

A New York man is suing a New Jersey psychic, claiming the golden statue he paid her $250,000 for to ward off negativity doesn’t work. Her lawyer is demanding the figure be reduced by $50 for the visit where she correctly predicted the guy would fall for the scam.

Police in Oklahoma say a man was robbed of his casino winnings by two women who offered to give him a massage and then removed his pants and stole his $2,000. The guy is lucky he wasn’t trying to get a massage after gambling in Las Vegas because that’s all he’d get for $2,000.

Fleetwood Enterprises, a maker of recreational vehicles and manufactured housing, has filed for voluntary Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection and will close its travel-trailer operations. It’s tough selling trailers when nobody wants to come anywhere near the lot during tornado season.

Commenting on the 50th anniversary of a failed uprising against Chinese rule, the Dalai Lama said that Tibet has become “hell on earth” under China’s control. The Dalai Lama never uses words like that, which explains why, at about the same time, Pope Benedict felt a disturbance in the Force.

Police in Hampton, Virginia, confiscated about $1.2 million in illegal drugs from fans attending a reunion concert by Phish. Times sure have changed. During their heyday, $1.2 million in drugs was what fans brought just to make it through the opening act for the Grateful Dead.

Researchers in Sweden say a chimpanzee at the Furuvik Zoo planned ahead to throw stones at visitors by collecting the rocks and hiding them. He must have been planning for a visit from former President George W. Bush because he also had a stash of shoes.

Authorities in Pennsylvania are warning McDonald's restaurants to crack down on alleged drug activity conducted by employees in Pittsburgh. You know you’re at one of these restaurants when the drive-through clerk asks, “Do you want to get fried with that?”

A Maryland man known as “Santa Bob” to kids who visit his Christmas tree farm was sentenced to 18 months supervised probation for growing pot on the farm. Santa Bob got caught when he told the kids Donner and Blitzen had been replaced by Harold and Fumar.

Britain's Costa Coffee company has taken out a $14 million insurance policy on a taste tester’s tongue. That’s the most a tongue has been insured for since Jenna Jameson retired.

NASA announced it has started streaming live video views of the Earth from the International Space Station. This explains all those college students watching the NASA web site while they moon the moon.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Checking the White House couches for loose change

Because of its current economic problems, General Motors has ended its 22-year support for Emmy Award-winning documentary filmmaker Ken Burns. As a result, Burns is dropping his current project for a new documentary called “Michael Moore Was Right.”

President Obama has overturned the Bush policy banning research on stem cells. Former President Bush says he doesn’t mind since he thought it was a ban on stencils.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke attended a morning meeting on the economy with President Obama. The president knew things were bad when he caught Bernanke checking the White House couches for loose change.

President Obama's Kenyan step-grandmother is using her celebrity status to help her village stamp out tsetse flies, the insect that causes sleeping sickness. She has a bottle full of pesticide that she sprays on flies, fly-carrying animals and anyone she catches listening to Rush Limbaugh.

Senator Joe Lieberman, who campaigned for Republican presidential candidate John McCain, has switched his allegiance to President Obama. Lieberman has changed sides so may times, most people think he’s chairman of the Rotisserie Party.

Kim Jong Il was unanimously re-elected to North Korea's parliament, along with the 686 other legislators who were running unopposed. Republicans are now hoping Kim Jong Il lives long enough for them to figure out how he did it.

The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board is spending more than $173,000 on training to try to make its 4,000 clerks friendlier and more well-mannered at the nearly 650 stores it operates. Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to let the clerks have free samples?

Melissa Rycroft -- who was dumped last week on “The Bachelor” – is a last-minute replacement on “Dancing with the Stars.” She claims she’s not bitter but the show turned down her request for a female dance partner.

More than 100 people were arrested in Bogota, Colombia, after a riot which police say involved “embarrassing acts perpetrated by a group of malcontents who wanted to enter without tickets.” Coincidentally, that’s also how they described the band.

Billionaire Warren Buffett said in an interview that he feels the economy has “fallen off a cliff.” His followers immediately interpreted this as a secret message to invest in companies booking cruises to Acapulco.

The Pentagon confirms that five Chinese ships got dangerously close to a U.S. Navy vessel in international waters in the South China Sea. The Chinese government apologized and said the crew was just inspecting the USNS Impeccable to see if they wanted to buy it.

The company that makes Jim Beam is developing a black cherry version of the popular bourbon. The company says the flavor is not a signal to guys that it’s perfect drink to serve if your girlfriend is still a virgin.

A Swedish political party has proposed that women who give birth should be awarded $1,085 for each newborn child as part of an effort to improve the country's birthrate. In a related story, the Octo-mom has changed her name to Sonya.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Dick Cheney still gets them confused with lawyers

Two days after leaving the Dallas Cowboys, Terrell Owens signed a one-year deal with the Buffalo Bill. The contract is for $6.5 million, but Owens can double that if he convinces Bills fans to change the name of “buffalo wings” to “chicken a la T.O.”

In his weekly radio and video address, President Obama encouraged Americans to look the current bad economy as a “great opportunity.” In other words, don’t look at the glass as half-empty … look at it as something you can sell on eBay.

A Japanese newspaper reports that country’s welfare rolls hit a record high in January. You know things are bad in Japan when the rich can’t afford sushi so they’re eating cooked fish while the poor can’t afford coal so they’re eating raw fish.

In Billings, Montana, firefighters rescued a 118-pound St. Bernard that had fallen through the ice on a golf-course pond. It took two tries to pull the dog out after they threw him back once for not holding on to his barrel of brandy.

Interior Secretary Ken Salazar has approved the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service's decision to remove gray wolves from the federal endangered list in the Northern Rockies and the western Great Lakes. They will still be endangered in Wyoming because former vice president Dick Cheney still gets them confused with lawyers.

NASA has launched a telescope into space to look for other planets like Earth. They tested the telescope by turning it towards our own planet and looking for Rush Limbaugh.

A new study found that the cell phones used by doctors, nurses and hospital workers are often contaminated with germs that can cause serious illnesses in hospitalized patients. When he heard this, Jerry Seinfeld called his agent to see if he could get a sitcom deal and turn this into an episode.

British scientists have been given the go-ahead to drill through the Antarctic ice sheet into Lake Ellsworth, which has been sealed off for thousands of years, and look for signs of life. They’re encouraged by the fact that penguins annually come to the spot, build wooden shacks and drops lines into holes.

“Dancing with the Stars” has lost singer Jewel and "Access Hollywood" star Nancy O'Dell to injuries, but they’re expected to be replaced when the show returns on Monday. The producers refuse to say whether the women injured themselves practicing or kicking themselves for not getting a better-looking partner.

“American Idol” contestants will perform hits by Michael Jackson this week, but Jackson will not be appearing on the show. They invited him but Jackson didn’t like their idea of showing his twelve different faces and having them compete with each other.

British pop star M.I.A. says rumors she has named her newborn son Ickitt are untrue. After her announcement, she got a call from Octo-mom asking if she could use it.

Researchers in Italy claim that the hydrogen sulfide emitted by hot springs, which smells like rotten eggs, may act as a natural version of Viagra. Even guys who don’t have erectile dysfunction like it because it hides the fact that they pass gas during sex.

Friday, March 6, 2009

At least the bulge wasn’t octuplets

Michelle Obama will appear with Oprah Winfrey on the cover of “O,” marking the first time Oprah has shared the magazine cover with anyone. This also marks the first time any American First Lady publicly talked about getting an “O.”

The nation's unemployment rate increased to 8.1 percent in February, the highest since late 1983. That’s the good news. The bad news is, Rush Limbaugh still has a job.

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton met in Geneva with her Russian counterpart, Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov. The meeting with smoothly once she promised that President Obama would not be giving nicknames to Russian leaders.

New Jersey State Police are using underwater robots to search for and retrieve cars and trucks that have been dumped into the lower Hackensack River. The cops wouldn’t reveal who paid for the robots other than to say that they’ve been programmed to ignore black Lincolns.

Police in Dunleith, Delaware, arrested a 31-year-old pregnant woman who had 73 bags of heroin hidden in the waistband of her pants. Her lawyer is hoping to get the judge to dismiss the charges because at least the bulge wasn’t octuplets.

The Japanese government is considering plans to put a robot on the moon by 2020 and an astronaut by 2030. The Japanese won’t be the first to put a man on the moon, but they’ll be the first to get him there in a hybrid.

A new French study found that excess belly fat can impair lung function and make breathing difficult. That could explain why Santa Claus has replaced Dasher and Dancer with CPR and Respirator.

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is now a commercial real estate investor and has bought an office building in Washington just a block from the Mayflower Hotel where he met with prostitutes. Leave it to Spitzer to locate within walking distance of his hookers now that the state isn’t paying for his plane fare.

According to a report in the journal Science, researchers have traced the lineage of the earliest known domestic horses to Kazakhstan. The key to the discovery was a piece of torn-up papyrus that turned out to be a losing ticket from the Kazakhstan Derby.

In Saudi Arabia, a young woman who crashed her car into another vehicle was arrested by police because women drivers are banned in that country. She’ll be charged with DWII – Driving While Ignoring Islam.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Stop sullying the good name of Sully

The office of Senator Roland Burris claims he’s being subjected to an effort to “sully his good name.” In response, heroic pilot Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger asked Burris to stop sullying the good name of Sully.

The New Zealand city of Christchurch is broadcasting the music of Barry Manilow in its central mall district in an attempt to drive out troublemaking teenagers. Be careful what you wish for. Troublemaking teenagers may be less annoying than teenagers who can’t stop singing “Mandy.”

According to a study in the journal Thorax, children who watch television for more than two hours a day have twice the risk of developing asthma. Before rushing your kid to the doctor, make sure he’s not wheezing from accidentally tuning in to a porn channel.

Researchers in Canada have discovered that children who are impulsive in kindergarten are more likely to begin gambling behaviors like playing cards or placing bets before they reach middle school. Kindergarten teachers are instructed to watch for any kids who think the number after 10 is “Jack.”

Paleontologists digging in Oklahoma and Kansas have discovered a 300-million-year-old fossilized brain belonging to a fish that may be the world’s oldest. Up until now, the world’s oldest fossilized brain belonged to a senator from Arizona.

A Nebraska man was arrested for trying to cool off his hyper cat by stuffing her into a boxlike homemade bong and smoking marijuana. The cat is OK after spending time in the bong, except that it now mysteriously loves to swim.

President Barack Obama visited the Transportation Department to announce that highway construction jobs will start soon and that “we are seeing shovels hit the ground.” Then he went back to Congress where he saw shovels hit the manure.

Michael Vick's 20,000-square-foot eight-bedroom mansion is going on the auction block to settle his bankruptcy case. The auction house says the carpets have been thoroughly cleaned and no longer smell like dogs or Vick.

President Obama says he sent a letter to Moscow offering to cancel an Eastern European missile defense system in return for Russia helping to resolve Iran’s nuclear program, but Russian leaders claim they didn’t get it. Here’s my question. Why did Obama fight so hard to keep his Blackberry if he’s not going to use it?

Officials at California's El Dorado County jail said 36 prisoners have successfully completed inmate cooking classes. Another 36 were kicked out for trying to bake biscottis in the shape of shivs.

Researchers at Microsoft have unveiled Laura, a virtual personal assistant designed to detect impatience and other feelings. The artificial intelligence program was supposed to be done two years ago but Laura kept shutting down when she detected that the programmers felt overworked and underpaid.

A group called the Canadian Driving Research Initiative for Vehicular Safety in the Elderly says older drivers should be allowed to keep their licenses because most of them are safe drivers. One sign that it’s time for Grandpa to retire from driving is when he deploys the airbag just to take a nap.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Find a Cure for Peanut Putter

Singer Chris Brown is reportedly recording tracks for a new album in Miami. His lawyer is trying to convince him this isn’t the right time to do a cover of Michael Jackson’s “Beat It.”

An 18th-century note found in a Paris library appears to confirm the eau de cologne was invented by Italian Paolo Feminis and not another Italian. Although they’ve been looking for it for decades, researchers can’t find written evidence of anyone willing to take credit for inventing toilet water.

Former Iraqi general Ali Hasan al-Majeed, better known as “Chemical Ali,” has been given his third death sentence. To figure out a way to execute him three times without killing him, the Iraqi government has enlisted the services of the producers of “24.”

Officials in Los Angeles County, California, have declared the first week of March as “No Cussing Week” to encourage residents to clean up their language. It’s going to be a week of heck for guys named Richard who don’t like to be called Richard, Rick, Rich or Richie.

According to FAA rules, Capt. Chesley Sullenberger, who safely landed US Airways Flight 1549 in the Hudson River, must complete three takeoffs and landings before he can pilot airline flights again. Sully plans to relax before the test runs by spending time at his new hobby, shooting geese.

Police in Kettering, Ohio, arrested a woman for allegedly driving her car, talking on a cell phone and breast-feeding her child at the same time. She received a ticket, a court date and three marriage proposals.

Legal experts in Australia say men should change their last will and testaments to allow for or deny their sperm being passed on to their romantic partners. This will prevent embarrassing scenes at the funeral home of girlfriends trying to arouse the deceased with pictures of naked dead women.

Contrary to popular belief, a new study found that pregnant women should not “eat for two.” The news came too late for that mother of octuplets who still owes restaurants tens of thousands of dollars.

President Barack Obama officially named Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius as his choice to be secretary of health and human services. Her first order of business will be to find a cure for peanut butter.

According to a study conducted in Germany, most people say the ideal woman's figure is slim with a relatively small waist-to-hip ratio. The German researchers also found that all bets are off if the woman can carry 12 full beer steins.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

N. E. Bodybutabush

China’s space agency announced plans to dock two craft in outer space by as early as 2011. And to make sure no other country copies its technique, the docking will be done with chopsticks.

In a straw poll taken at the Conservative Political Action Conference asking who Republicans want to run for president in 2012, Mitt Romney came in first, followed by Bobby Jindal, with Ron Paul and Sarah Palin tied for third. Winner of the write-in category was N.E. Bodybutabush.

A new study found that online porn consumption is highest in states whose residents are conservative and religious. Apparently the “red” in “red state” has nothing to do with embarrassment.

President Obama attended an NBA game between his hometown Chicago Bulls and the Washington Wizards, but left with four minutes to go and the Bulls behind by 17. Republicans took this as a sign that Obama just can’t stop bailing out.

A Las Vegas casino cafe is selling a 2-foot, 6-pound burrito for $19.95, but if you eat the entire “The Bomb” burrito, you get it for free plus an unlimited pass to ride the casino’s roller coaster. Sales of the burrito are way up, but the amount of people walking under the roller coaster has dropped to zero.

An Atlanta investment banker is auctioning off more than 15,000 videotaped episodes of Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker's Christian talk show, “The PTL Club,” which aired from 1974 to 1987. In this case, the “PTL” on the label stands for “Predates The Lawsuits.”

Iconic news commentator Paul Harvey has passed away at the age of 90. And now you know the “rest in peace” of the story.

The New England Patriots traded their backup quarterback Matt Cassel to the Kansas City Chiefs. This either means that Patriots starting quarterback Tom Brady is healthy or that Pats coach Bill Belichick has implanted a tiny camera in Cassel’s head to record the Chiefs’ practices.

Spanish customs agents boarded a Venezuelan fishing boat and seized five-and-a-half tons of cocaine. They suspected the ship was carrying drugs because it was being followed by a school of blowfish.

An Austrian scientist from the Vienna University of Technology claims that by studying 503 pieces of lint from his own belly button he’s discovered a type of body hair that traps stray pieces of lint and pulls them into the navel. The school has since been swamped by applications from thousands of American boys wanting to know if it gives football scholarships.