Thursday, March 17, 2011

Watch as she flies by

Malaysian radio stations worried about listeners being offended by some lyrics in Lady Gaga’s song “Born This Way” have been replacing them with indecipherable garble. The move backfired as Malaysians are now calling Gaga the next Bob Dylan.

Police in Malaysia have recovered about 700,000 condoms that were stolen while being shipped two months ago. The six condom thieves are now in jail where they’re getting no pleasure from being ribbed.

Darren Taylor, who calls himself Professor Splash, has broken his own world shallow water diving record by diving from a 36-foot tower into a wading pool filled with 12 inches of water. He’s been doing it for so long, he travels around the world by shipping himself in a large envelope.

A commemorative mug celebrating the upcoming Royal wedding is now a collector’s item because it has a picture of Prince Harry, the brother of future groom Prince William. It’s the perfect mug for hot drinks because Kate Middleton looks really steamed.

A contestant on “Thailand's Got Talent” shocked audiences by revealing herself as a male-to-female transgender when her soprano voice changed to tenor midway through her performance. One frustrated judge couldn’t decide whether to call the singer “Dawg” or “Cat.”

Donald Trump says he would spend up to $600 million of his own money on a presidential campaign if he decides to run in 2012. It would be more but taxpayers will foot the bill for Secret Service protection for his hair.

A Republican state representative in Texas has introduced a bill that would establish new workplace protections for proponents of creationism or other alternate theories of the origination and development of organisms. Unfortunately, Texas offers no such protection for proponents of the Hawaiian origination and development of President Obama.

First lady Michelle Obama is writing a book about her White House garden and the benefits of healthy eating. This will be the first book written by a First Lady that actually digs up some dirt.

Singer LeAnn Rimes says people worried about recent photos of her looking extremely thin should come see how she looks in person. Or better yet, look out the window during a strong wind and watch as she flies by.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Let’s move Capitol Hill to Bora Bora

Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, to whom history is a mystery, proudly states that she homeschooled her five children and 23 foster children. This explains why many of them come to Thanksgiving dinner dressed as Founding Fathers.

Republican Congressman Virgil Peck of Kansas claims he was just joking when he suggested that illegal immigration could be controlled with gunmen shooting from helicopters. Since he still has his job, Congress might be a new career opportunity for Gilbert Gottfried.

Despite what’s happening in Japan, House Republicans are still defending cuts to foreign aid and ocean safety in their budget proposals. Before they vote on it, let’s move Capitol Hill to Bora Bora.

According to a new poll, for the first time ever the number of people who say they get their news online is greater than those who get it from newspapers. Newspapers are hoping to regain readers by adding a new section devoted to pictures of kittens.

Since the Amish don’t like to be photographed, Amish gun-owners in Illinois are upset about a new rule requiring photos to be on gun-owner ID cards. They’re warning this could cause a rise in serial sickle-killers.

A boa constrictor being held by a female model in Israel died after biting the woman’s silicone breast. An autopsy was performed on the snake to determine how it was able to bite and smile at the same time.

A racetrack in England is selling designer boots made in the shape of horses’ hooves. The first thing women ask the salesman after putting them on is, “Do these shoes make my butt look fast?”

A 13-year-old Ohio boy has launched his own line of scented candles called Mancans that are designed for men, with fragrances like bacon, pizza, sawdust and the smell of a new leather baseball mitt. They’re selling so well, he’s planning to open his own store called Bees, Beer and Beyond.

Alaska authorities say a 6-year-old Anchorage boy is doing better after being attacked by a moose while walking home from school. Sarah Palin blamed this on the Democrats and their push for public schools over home-schooling.

Despite winning the online poll, city fathers in Fort Wayne, Indiana, have decided not to name a new government building after a former mayor and call it the Harry Baals Government Center. Fans of Hairy Baals are hoping local construction picks up and they can use the name for a new erection.

Critics of a Nevada bill banning air fresheners and candles in public places say it will lead to smelly rooms and prohibit priests from using candles in Mass. Priests can get around the law by having the choir sing Freebird so parishioners will illuminate the church with lighters.