Thursday, November 18, 2010

Coffee porn in a cup

In her new book, Sarah Palin calls contestants on American Idol “talent-deprived” people who suffer from “the cult of self-esteem.” As opposed to “Dancing With The Stars,” where her daughter Bristol who gets votes from the talent-deprived and cult of self-esteem.

In her new book, Sarah Palin says “we all had to bite our tongues” when Levi Johnston criticized her family. That explains why she has so much trouble pronounciating her words.

Eva Longoria filed court papers to divorce basketball star Tony Parker, citing irreconcilable differences. In basketball terms, she wanted to stick with the starting lineup while Tony preferred to bring in a substitute.

Scientists using the supercollider in Geneva claim they’ve created an anti-atom that may help solve what happened to all of the antimatter created by the Big Bang. For those not familiar with the term, evolutionists refer to the stuff from the Big Bang as “antimatter” while creations call it “doesn’t matter.”

The Philadelphia Eagles are going green by adding wind turbines and solar panels to their stadium. They’re hoping this will lower energy costs while messing with opponents’ kickers and shining sun in the eyes of their quarterbacks.

Tea Party darling Sharron Angle said in a recent speech that “sometimes dictators have good ideas.” She later issued a clarification that she was referring to dictators in other countries, not that Socialist Nazi currently running our country.

Chinese officials have put a stop to a new craze where newlywed couples have their wedding pictures taken in the nude. Couples wanting nude wedding pictures must now wait until they leave for the honeymoon and have them taken by airport security scanners.

A woman told Russian airport officials that her daughter was a suicide bomber in an attempt to stop her from flying away to get married. The woman was arrested and charged with making a false terror report and being a mom.

Lisa Murkowski of Alaska is officially the winner of the state’s Senate election, defeating Joe Miller, the candidate endorsed by Sarah Palin. When told the news, Miller became the second person in the country to shoot his television during “Dancing With The Stars.”

A New York coffee shop is offering a 20-ounce beverage with 10 shots of espresso billed as “coffee porn in a cup.” I thought that’s what Chock Full O’Nuts was.

Police in Idaho arrested a woman accused of posing as a plastic surgeon and performing bogus breast exams on women in bars and nightclubs. The women got suspicious when the fake doctor asked them to buy her a brandy so she could measure their breasts with the snifter.

Scientists in Boston say they have developed a laser camera that can “see” around corners and take pictures of things not in its direct line of sight. Proving once again that the inability to talk to women is the real mother of invention.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

No wonder only the Republicans understood him

In his new book, George W. Bush says “damn right” to the question of whether her personally authorized the use of waterboarding, which he says is not torture. And he’ll gladly authorize it again, especially if his book isn’t selling as well as Laura’s.

Animal rights activists people in the Czech Republic are upset about a calendar which shows a topless model chopping the head off a pig. The revelation about the shocking photos was a double shock to the millions of guys who never saw the pig.

Doctors in China say a man impaled by 13 metal rods in a construction accident is expected to recover completely. Despite that, he still won’t let his disappointed teenage daughter get her tongue pierced.

Israel is the first country to feature a same-sex duo on its version of “Dancing with the Stars” and the women say they will alternate who gets to lead. Kind of like on the U.S. show when Margaret Cho danced with Louis Van Amstel.

Qantas grounded its Airbus A380 fleet after one of the superjumbo jets blew out an engine and was forced to make an emergency landing in Singapore with 459 people aboard. To give you some idea how scary it was, none of the passengers could fit their airsick bags in the overhead compartments or under the seat in front of them.

A group of children waiting for their morning school bus near Missoula, Montana, Wednesday morning got a shock when they spotted a mountain lion in a field just 200 feet from their stop. The smart kids used the situation as a learning experience and shoved the local bully in front of the lion.

Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. Wow, who knew that Osama bin Laden was hiding in Japan and likes to get Domino’s pizza delivered?

Nancy Pelosi says she has "no regrets" about her time as Speaker of the House. On the other hand, John Boehner doesn’t even have the job yet and he already regrets buying a portable tanning bed before measuring his new office door.

President Obama referred to the midterm election results as a “shellacking,” a term that hasn’t been in everyday use in over 30 years. No wonder only the Republicans understood him.

Fox News says it has no plans to hire defeated Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell. In fact, the only network interested in her is a small cable station looking to do a remake of “Bewitched.”

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Most of his words were homonyms

In his latest book, former president Jimmy Carter blames his own church, the Southern Baptist Convention, for breaking down the separation between church and state. In response, the Southern Baptists blame Carter for breaking down the separation between peanuts and chocolate.

The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. I think it’s called the Westminster Flabby.

Rigby & Peller, the official lingerie provider for Queen Elizabeth II, announced a $343,000 loss in profits last year. The loss came after the announcement that it was the official lingerie provider for Queen Elizabeth II.

A Swedish man was acquitted of drunk driving after the court couldn’t rule out the possibility that he was sleepwalking. In a related story, Charlie Sheen dyed his hair blonde and changed his name to Sven.

A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Not surprisingly, most of his words were homonyms.

A Southwest Airlines flight from Alabama to Florida was temporarily delayed due to a suspicious white substance that turned out to be foot powder. Flight attendants knew it was foot powder when they noticed the owner was sitting in a row all by himself.

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say a group of shadowy figures they call “star whackers” are trying to ruin his career and kill them both. Those aren’t star whackers … they’re other people named Quaid.

A University of Kansas researcher has identified five styles of flirting: physical, traditional, polite, sincere and playful. If you’re still trying to pick someone up at last call, you can add grumpy, sleepy and dopey.

Michael Jackson’s mom, Katherine Jackson, will discuss her son in an interview with Oprah Winfrey next week. Potential audience members are already lining up after hearing a rumor that Oprah will honor Michael’s memory by giving everyone a chimp.

BP PLC announced a third-quarter profit of $1.79 billion. It would have been even higher, but BP executives dropped some bags of money while laughing their way to the bank.

A Los Angeles photographer claims he set a world record by staying awake for 40 days straight. He finally fell asleep when his wife turned on a special on the life of Al Gore.