Most of his words were homonyms

In his latest book, former president Jimmy Carter blames his own church, the Southern Baptist Convention, for breaking down the separation between church and state. In response, the Southern Baptists blame Carter for breaking down the separation between peanuts and chocolate.

The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. I think it’s called the Westminster Flabby.

Rigby & Peller, the official lingerie provider for Queen Elizabeth II, announced a $343,000 loss in profits last year. The loss came after the announcement that it was the official lingerie provider for Queen Elizabeth II.

A Swedish man was acquitted of drunk driving after the court couldn’t rule out the possibility that he was sleepwalking. In a related story, Charlie Sheen dyed his hair blonde and changed his name to Sven.

A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Not surprisingly, most of his words were homonyms.

A Southwest Airlines flight from Alabama to Florida was temporarily delayed due to a suspicious white substance that turned out to be foot powder. Flight attendants knew it was foot powder when they noticed the owner was sitting in a row all by himself.

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say a group of shadowy figures they call “star whackers” are trying to ruin his career and kill them both. Those aren’t star whackers … they’re other people named Quaid.

A University of Kansas researcher has identified five styles of flirting: physical, traditional, polite, sincere and playful. If you’re still trying to pick someone up at last call, you can add grumpy, sleepy and dopey.

Michael Jackson’s mom, Katherine Jackson, will discuss her son in an interview with Oprah Winfrey next week. Potential audience members are already lining up after hearing a rumor that Oprah will honor Michael’s memory by giving everyone a chimp.

BP PLC announced a third-quarter profit of $1.79 billion. It would have been even higher, but BP executives dropped some bags of money while laughing their way to the bank.

A Los Angeles photographer claims he set a world record by staying awake for 40 days straight. He finally fell asleep when his wife turned on a special on the life of Al Gore.