Friday, September 12, 2008

Order the North Korean army to brush his teeth for him

In response to a question from Charles Gibson on her foreign policy experience, Sarah Palin said, “They're our next door neighbors and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska, from an island in Alaska.” And if she needs a broader view, there’s that globe on her desk.

Police in Florida arrested a man who fired a gun and chased his neighbor with a machete after two arguments over watering plants. Under the Palin administration, these men would have been ordered to pray for rain.

In Barack Obama’s latest ad, John McCain is shown in the early '80s wearing giant glasses and an out-of-style suit. Or as Sarah Palin calls it …“Sunday best.”

Police in Valentine, Nebraska, are looking for a man who greases up the windows of businesses and then rubs his naked rear in it to leave an imprint. They’re asking residents to be on the lookout for anyone who keeps sliding down in his seat.

Paparazzi at LAX airport in Los Angeles got faked out by a woman disguised as Jamie Lynn Spears while the real Jamie Lynn and her baby snuck out a different door. The decoy was so realistic, she now has her own show on the Disney Channel.

The most downloaded ring-tone in India is one called “Condom a Capella” that sings the word “condom” over and over. In a related story, Sarah Palin asked John McCain if he knew a Beach Boys song with words she could change to “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb India.”

O.J. Simpson will have an all-white jury for his kidnapping and robbery trial in Las Vegas. Even worse, all of them are Las Vegas residents, which means they’ve never worn gloves, whether they fit or not.

According to the latest report, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has recovered enough from his stroke that he can brush his teeth on his own. They’ll know he’s well when he’s able to order the entire North Korean army to brush his teeth for him.

School officials in Tabora, Tanzania, said 20 girls experienced a mass fainting spell after finishing their first of three papers for an exam. It was their first multiple-choice test and the young girls were exhausted from doing eenie-meenie-miney-moe.

Boxer and co-host of “American Gladiators” Laila Ali has given her dad, Muhammad Ali, a baby granddaughter. Mother and daughter are doing fine, but Laila’s doctor needed stitches over his eye after spanking the baby without giving her a standing eight-count first.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Mermaid Night in Cleveland

The latest rumor out of North Korea is that leader Kim Jong Il had brain surgery after a stroke last month and could have partial paralysis on one side. Always the tyrant, he ordered his doctors to make sure his hand was paralyzed with the middle finger raised.

Two years after rules were eased defining exactly what constitutes a miracle, no new miracles have been reported at Lourdes in France. A number of them came close, but the Catholic Church does not officially recognize come-from-behind victories in football as miracles except in the case of Notre Dame.

A Democratic Republic of Congo official has ordered the release of a dozen goats he claims were improperly held in a jail after being sold illegally along the side of a road. The jailer was glad to see them go because the goats did nothing but bleat about conjugal visits.

Swedish broadcaster SVT released a previously unseen film clip allegedly showing the release of POW John McCain to the U.S. military in Hanoi in 1973. The McCain campaign has already obtained a copy and is splicing it with another video to make it look like Sarah Palin rescued him with her trusty moose rifle.

An inmate who says he bought moldy cookies while in jail in Washington state is suing the county for pain, suffering and emotional distress from the vomiting, diarrhea and stomach cramps the cookies gave him. He also plans to use the experience to justify his run for the presidency in 2012.

Barack Obama says former President Clinton will campaign for him during the weeks leading up to Election Day. Clinton’s main job will be to get photographed getting a Monica from Sarah.

The classic rock band Yes, which was forced to cancel their 40th anniversary tour this year due to the illness of lead singer Jon Anderson, has decided to relaunch the tour with a Yes tribute band singer. They got the idea after someone pointed out that the Republican Party wants to replace George W. Bush with the leader of a George W. Bush tribute band.

A two-year, $5.3 million investigation by the Interior Department found the workers at an agency issuing offshore drilling leases were having sex and using drugs with energy company representatives they did government business with. Instead of “Drill, baby, drill,” they were apparently saying “Drill, oh baby baby baby, drill!”

ABC announced that Charles Gibson's interviews with Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin will be part of a special prime-time edition of “20/20.” ABC is concerned about losing ratings points to Fox News’ eight week Sarah Palin 24/7 marathon.

Federal regulators trying to contain a fish-killing virus in the Great Lakes region have issued rules for shipping live fish across state lines that some wholesalers say will be financially devastating. The rules are also hurting strip clubs in Cleveland who bring in swimmers from Las Vegas for Mermaid Night.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Jose Conseco Street

The band Heart isn’t having much success getting the McCain campaign to stop using its song "Barracuda" at rallies in honor of Sarah Palin’s high school nickname, “Sarah Barracuda.” Wait till McCain and Palin find out the Obama campaign is trying to get the rights to “Piggies” by the Beatles and “Pigs” by Pink Floyd.

The mother of Tennessee Titans quarterback Vince Young says he doesn't want to play football anymore and is "hurting inside and out" because he was booed during last Sunday’s loss to Jacksonville. If he thinks it’s bad now, wait until he reads the emails from every owner who drafted him on their fantasy football team.

Tour de France organizers say they’re open to letting Lance Armstrong returning for a shot at an eighth victory but aren’t too thrilled about it. They wish he would have done it this year so they could have seen Kate Hudson on the victory stand in bicycle pants.

Barack Obama refuses to give in to Republican demands that he apologize to Sarah Palin for his “lipstick on a pig” comment. In a related story, Sarah Palin refuses to apologize to non-transsexual Democratic members of the Loyal Order of Moose for her comments about “dressing a moose.”

In Switzerland, the world's largest particle collider passed its first major tests by firing two beams of protons in opposite directions around a 17-mile underground ring. The tests almost had to be called off because of a loose screw, but luckily everyone there had a Swiss army knife.

A restaurant owner in Lebanon was having oysters for lunch with his wife when she discovered a cluster of 26 pearls inside an oyster on her plate. Talk about a stroke of luck. His wife was so happy with the pearls, the owner didn’t have to eat any more oysters.

Air New Zealand is looking for 70 bald men willing to stand in lines in three airports while wearing temporary advertising tattoos on the back of their heads so they can be seen by people lining up behind them. The bald men will be paid $660, part of which they’ll spend on hats to wear when there’s flight delays.

A Miami-Dade county official wants Jose Conseco Street, named for the steroid-using retired player, changed to something else. People who use it are complaining that the speed bumps mysteriously grew to three feet high.

Police in southeastern Pennsylvania think scrap-metal thieves are behind the recent disappearance of a radio transmission tower. Either that or the Obama campaign finally figured out a way to silence Rush Limbaugh.

Research in Motion Ltd., the maker of BlackBerry phones, has unveiled the BlackBerry Pearl Flip which folds in half like most cell phones. The new phone is recommended by doctors who say flipping it open will finally give so-called crackberry addicts something else to do with their thumbs.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Crime tips from the Food Network

Shock jock Howard Stern reportedly is helping auction off the virginity of a 22-year-old San Diego woman who’s trying to raise money for college. In a related story, Sarah Palin denies this is how she was able to pay for attending five colleges in six years.

Max and Benny's restaurant in Northbrook, Illinois, conducted an informal survey and found that cookies featuring the likeness of Barack Obama have been vastly outselling ones bearing the face of John McCain. And both are being outsold by Sarah Palin wearing chocolate moose-hunting gear.

Intelligence officials are watching signs that North Korea's dictator Kim Jong Il may be gravely ill, possibly from a stroke. President Bush wanted to send him a ‘get well’ card but couldn’t find one with a picture of a chimpanzee giving CPR to a bad hairpiece.

Police in Fresno, California, arrested a man who broke into the home of two farm workers, stole money, rubbed one with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing. That’s what happens when you’re new to the United States and get your crime tips from the Food Network instead of CSI:Miami.

Researchers from a security firm disguised themselves as fire inspectors, exterminators or government safety monitors and were able to slip past tellers in nearly 1,000 bank branches and steal confidential data about customers. One got caught, but that was after he stopped to cash in a roll of nickels and only had two forms of ID.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper apologized to Liberal Party leader Stephane Dion after a conservative website showed a cartoon of a puffin pooping on him. The cartoon is now in Alaska where Republican artists are attempting to turn Dion into Barack Obama and the puffin into a flying moose.

Colonel Harland Sanders' secret list of 11 herbs and spices was removed from KFC's corporate offices for the first time in decades while the company beefed up protection for the famous recipe. Security was so tight, guards armed with flamethrowers warned that anyone trying to steal the original recipe would end up extra crispy.

South Korean scientists say Snuppy, the world's first cloned dog, has become a father after the world's first successful breeding of cloned canines. They don’t quite have all the bugs worked out yet because the puppies sniffed they own butts and licked each other’s private parts.

A Scottish man who was mistakenly told by doctors he was dying and gave away his life savings is planning to sue the hospital. Coincidently, President Bush had originally planned to do this with Warren Buffet as a way to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

A woman in Dallas says she turned to the Chinese principles of Feng Shui to balance the spiritual forces in her home and prevent another car from ramming it. But just to be on the safe side, she’s also using the Chinese principle of building a wall around her house.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Belichick has a cheerleader ready to step in

In an interview in Rome, Vice President Dick Cheney said there’s nothing stopping Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin from being an effective vice president. Too bad he didn’t mention which country he was referring to.

It looks like New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady may miss the rest of the season due to an injury suffered in the first game. Luckily, coach Bill Belichick is a big fan of John McCain and has a cheerleader ready to step in.

Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama held his daughters' hands and escorted them to their first day of school. Talk about embarrassing. One of their friends asked him a question and they found out he’s not smarter than a fifth grader.

Comedy Central announced that Stephen Colbert’s DNA will be digitized and sent to the International Space Station. John Edwards was hoping to have his DNA sent into space too, but NASA wouldn’t allow him to put it inside a cute female astronaut.

Proving that you should never throw anything away, the new hurricane heading for the Gulf of Mexico has caused oil prices to rise enough that Exxon is asking Republicans if any of them still have any buttons that say “I Like Ike.”

President Bush hosted his last T-ball game on the South Lawn over the weekend. Bush caused quite a scare among the young players when he forgot to tell them he was talking about baseball when he said, “I hope you all get drafted someday.”

Jim Zorn, the new head coach of the Washington Redskins, spent a few hours bike riding with President Bush over the weekend. Bush gave Zorn a few plays to run and, just like with the surge, he warned Zorn not to listen to any of his coaches.

JetBlue Airways is auctioning off more than 300 roundtrip flights and six vacation packages this week on eBay. If you’re the winning bidder, you’re advised to take the trips before JetBlue is up for auction on eBay.

A geneticist from Texas A&M University is studying the bison herd at Camp Pendleton in California to determine if the animals are genetically pure. He’s especially interested in a small group that have blonde fur and can raise one hoof straight out in a salute.

The Ohio State University Medical Center will be the site next month of a conference focusing on personalized healthcare. Sounds fishy. The conference is on the same weekend as a big home football game and all of the health care providers have seats on the field near the team doctor.

Actor Will Smith reportedly plans to star in the film "The Last Pharaoh" which is based on the story of Taharqa, the pharaoh who battled Assyrian invaders starting around 677 B.C. Since the movie is scheduled for a July 4th release, Will is changing the story to have the pharaoh be able to fly and have the Assyrians invade from their base on Jupiter.

In an odd coincidence, a 40-year-old New York musician named John McCain has been told he looks like Barack Obama. In an even odder coincidence, his wife wants a $313,000 outfit to wear to an Usher concert.

Police in Utah say actor Gary Coleman hit a pedestrian with his truck after arguing with him in a local bowling alley. The argument started when Coleman bent over near the ball return and the man stuck his fingers in his ears and mouth.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Keith Richard calls it “an eye-opener.”

The University of Idaho football team has decided to remove the letter “I” from the buttocks region of players' new pants following a season-opening 70-0 loss to the Arizona Wildcats. Rthe team will play its next game with no logo, but if they lose like that again, the coaches should replace the “I” with a bull’s-eye and start kicking some butts.

John McCain’s legal staff is hard at work. After watching a short person who flies stand next to a taller one who likes to talk about moose, they’re working to suppress all references to Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Experts are saying the government plans to take over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac could amount to the largest financial bailout in the nation's history. It’s so big, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is trying to get Ed McMahon to deliver the check.

President Bush took a tour of the Gettysburg National Military Park over the weekend. He’s suddenly become a fan of the Gettysburg address after Republicans responded so favorably to the short speech he gave at the convention.

Visitors to a zoo in Tokyo are shocked to see polar bears that have accidentally turned green due to an overgrowth of algae in their water pond. A similar thing is happening in Alaska, only the polar bears there are getting green on purpose so they can hide in the grass from Sarah Palin.

It’s tough to find anyone who liked the first commercial Jerry Seinfeld did for Microsoft. Bill Gates is so embarrassed, he’s gone undercover by getting a good haircut.

Police in Australia have placed a one-case-of-beer-per-adult-per-day limit for the three-day festivities surrounding the upcoming Bathurst 1000 scheduled for the second weekend in October. In support of their Down Under buddies, thousands of NASCAR fans are offering to fly to Australia as part of a Rent-An-Adult-For-A-Day program.

Chris Coleman, mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota, hit a hole-in-one in his first golf outing after the close of the Republican convention in his city. Sarah Palin immediately took credit for it because he was using the moose-rifle grip she showed him.

Veterinarians in China say an Asian elephant that had become addicted to heroin is being transferred to a wildlife sanctuary after three years of detoxification. They cured the elephant by giving it five times the normal human dose of methadone every day, or as Keith Richard calls it, “an eye-opener.”

Producers of the popular Fox series “24” say shooting will be delayed 18 days while one of the scripts is being polished. Rumor has it this will be the first time in the show’s history Jack Bauer is rescued by a female vice president firing an assault rifle from the back of a moose.

Continental Airlines is the latest air carrier to begin charging economy-class passengers $15 for checking a single bag. And before you get any ideas, they will also charge $15 if you’re wearing so many clothes that you need a seatbelt-extender.

Friday, September 5, 2008

She sold a house to pay for her dress

The booking agent for John Edwards says he's canceled all public commitments until after the November U.S. elections. If you already had Edwards booked and you’re looking for a replacement who gives a similar speech, you might want to call Levi Johnston.

According to the Labor Department’s latest figures, the nation's unemployment rate zoomed to a five-year high of 6.1 percent in August as employers slashed 84,000 jobs. The report was incomplete because many of those jobs belonged to poll-takers.

The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey caught the driver of a tractor-trailer who rigged the front license plate of his vehicle so that it would disappear as he drove through toll plazas, allowing him to avoid paying the $40 fee. He’ll be charged with toll evasion, license plate destruction and giving other drivers a good idea.

Vanity Fair magazine reports that the outfit Cindy McCain wore for her speech at the Republican convention cost an estimated $313,100. No wonder her husband doesn’t know how many houses he owns. She sold one of them to pay for her dress.

Lobbyist Jack Abramoff was sentenced to an additional four years in prison for his role in the Washington corruption scandal. Hoping to salvage his career once he gets out, Abramoff asked the judge if he could serve those four years in the Hanoi Hilton.

Bob Woodward's latest book on President Bush reveals that the U.S. has spied on Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and other Iraqi leaders. According to al-Maliki, this explains why the pizza parlor always seems to know what he’s calling to order.

A UPS driver in East Texas has recorded one million accident-free miles on the delivery van he’s been driving for the past 22 years. That total includes a number of high-speed chases by jealous FedEx drivers.

A guitar that Jimi Hendrix set on fire during a concert in London was sold at auction recently for $497,500. What a waste. That money should have been spent on bribing most of today’s players to burn their guitars for good.

According to a new federal science report, smog, soot and other particles often seen hanging over Beijing add to global warming and may raise summer temperatures in the U.S. by three degrees in about 50 years. President Bush doesn’t believe the report but, to be on the safe side, he’s pushing for Beijing to be named the permanent host of the Summer Olympics so it eliminates all cars and factories.

British scientists have developed a new crime-fighting technique that allows police to lift fingerprints from bullets even if a criminal has wiped down a shell casing. There goes Dick Cheney’s plans to go fox-hunting in London.

The Fish and Wildlife Service says it’s too late to recall the “duck stamps” affixed to cards carried by hunters licensed to hunt ducks that contain a misprinted number belonging to a phone-sex line. Ducks are hoping this will give hunters something else to do besides shooting ducks.

U.S. Coast Guard officers were called to stop a pilot-less boat from spinning in circles at Virginia Beach after its two occupants fell overboard. Do you know what sailors call a pilot-less ship going around in circles? Congress.

The Journal of Sexual Medicine reports that trained sexologists can spot women who have frequent orgasms by the way they walk. This is no big secret. Women who have frequent orgasms walk fast, especially if they’re just leaving a sex toy shop.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

A George Hamilton wing

Sports reporters in Orlando say they were shocked when they dialed a number for a teleconference with the University of Central Florida’s football coach and got a phone sex line instead. I think I speak for all football fans when I say, “Yeah, right.”

A scientist at the University of Tokyo conducted a test using apples dropped in a bucket and found that elephants, besides having a good memory, are also good at counting and basic math. He also found that elephants who are told they got the wrong answer are good at stomping on scientists.

Police in Germany are looking for a skateboarder who used a boost from a motorcycle to travel 62 mph down the Ulm-Stuttgart motorway. If I’m not mistaken, that’s also the Republican Party’s plan for creating new fuel-efficient vehicles.

Coca-Cola announced a promotion tied to the new James Bond movie that will temporarily rename Coke Zero to Coke Zero Zero Seven. The cans will have a special label warning that, in spite of what Bond says, the drink should not be shaken.

According to a new study conducted at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond, more than 25 percent of the students surveyed reported symptoms of addiction to tanning. It’s getting to be such a problem, the Betty Ford Clinic is planning to open a George Hamilton wing.

Police in Athens-Clarke, Georgia, arrested a 23-year-old woman who they say started mooning motorists after she received a ticket for jaywalking. Motorists were begging the cop to give her a ticket for illegal parking so she’d go topless too.

A Maryland country commissioner has proposed a law that would ban sex between state elected officials and their employees unless they’re married. Sounds like a great way to get rid of incumbents in states that don’t have term limits.

In Major League Baseball’s first use of instant replay, umpires ruled a home run by Yankee Alex Rodriguez was fair. In the second use of instant replay, the umpires ruled that a hot dog vendor shortchanged a customer while everyone was waiting for the first ruling.

Police in Port St. Lucie, Florida, are looking for a cross-dressing man who snatched a 74-year-old woman's purse and left behind a condom filled with water he had been using as a fake breast. Apparently the cross-dresser was trying to look like another 74-year-old woman.

An Illinois man is free on bond after being accused of setting another man's pants on fire while drinking and camping in the backyard. He’s hoping to convince the jury that the accuser is lying and that’s what ignited his pants.

NASA announced the creation of the Carl Sagan Postdoctoral Fellowships in Exoplanet Exploration to help find new astronomers to carry on Sagan’s work. Applicants for the fellowship are requested to submit a resume, their college transcripts and a recording of them saying “billions and billions and billions.”

David Spade's publicist confirmed the actor has a new baby daughter, his first child, with Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace. You can tell the girl is Spade’s daughter because none of the other babies in the nursery like her.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

They’ve gone from Dulles to dullest

Coca-Cola is hoping to expand its operations in China with a $2.5 billion bid for a major Chinese juice maker. Four out of five Chinese female gymnasts had this juice in their sippy cups at the Olympics.

Vice President Dick Cheney is on a weeklong trip to the former Soviet republics of Azerbaijan, Georgia and Ukraine. Talk about a tough trip. The leaders of those countries all told Cheney they’d prefer to wait and talk with John McCain’s Russia expert, Sarah Palin.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is visiting Libya this week, making her the first secretary of state to visit Libya since John Foster Dulles in 1953. She may wish she hadn’t brought that fact up because the Libyans are already saying they’ve gone from Dulles to dullest.

R&B singer Usher is planning a “One Night Stand” concert tour that will be for women only. He plans to sing every song twice … once for the women in the seats and once for the ones waiting in line to use the ladies rooms.

In Los Angeles, a man accused of ramming a car into the Playboy Mansion's gates twice in a week pleaded not guilty to felony vandalism charges. Hugh Hefner wasn’t home either time and his girlfriends say that’s the most ramming that’s gone on at the Playboy Mansion in years.

Residents of Hoschton, Gerogia, claim they have broken the world record for scarecrows by setting up 4,800 of them in their town. This also breaks the record for the town with the most tributes to Joan Rivers.

A 60-year-old man in Gateshead, England, says he was able to fight off a samurai sword-wielding attacker by striking him in the head with his walking stick. He’s already been contacted by NBC to recreate the incident on “Saturday Night Live.”

In response to complaints by animal rights groups, the British Ministry of Defense is looking for alternatives to the bear skins used in the famous hats worn by the royal guards. Why don’t they ask Donald Trump where he gets his?

Organizers of the annual stiletto heel race in Sydney, Australia, said 265 contestants in heels of at least 3 inches ran in the 100-meter race, and the winner was a national champion in the under-20s 400-meter hurdles. Well, they think she was the winner. The judges couldn’t watch because they were afraid the high-heeled runner would think she was hurdling and poke their eyes out.

A scientist from Imperial College London says he's discovered that some of the microscopic meteorites making up "cosmic dust" originate from an ancient asteroid belt between Jupiter and Mars. This may put to rest the previous theory that cosmic dust originated from under a giant bed orbiting Neptune.

Scientists at Stanford say they have created robotic helicopters that can teach themselves to fly by “watching” other helicopters. Unfortunately, after a few hours of watching, the helicopters all end up hovering over the same traffic jam.

According to a study in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, researchers have found that children burn more than four times as many calories a minute playing an active video game than playing a seated game. And they burn eight times as many calories if you take the game controller, throw it out the window and make them bring it back.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The Do-Over-Er

Scholastic, the U.S. publisher of “Harry Potter,” is hoping the next big thing will be “The 39 Clues,” a planned 10-volume set about two kids and their worldwide search for the secret to their family's power. Scholastic is hoping to get the first one out before the market is saturated with similar books about the Palin kids.

The lawyer who conducted it says Sarah Palin underwent a “`full and complete” background examination before John McCain chose her as his running mate. That’s the lawyer I want if I’m ever sued. Not defending me … defending the other party.

More bad news for Sarah Palin. Today, her children Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig asked to have their names changed to Greg, Marcia, Jan, Cindy and Bobby.

A memo has been discovered in which his legal admits that former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales mishandled highly classified notes about a secret counter terror program and may have even taken them home. Gonzales is hoping to convince investigators he was just taking the notes home to compare them with what Jack Bauer was doing on “24.”

President Bush says the government responded “a lot better” to Hurricane Gustav than it did to Hurricane Katrina. President Bush has officially gone from “The Decider” to the “Do-over-er.”

A man nicknamed “Humble Bob” stuffed himself with 11.5 pounds of a Cincinnati, Ohio, specialty called chili-spaghetti in 10 minutes to win an eating contest. After the chili-spaghetti started digesting, he got a new nickname: Rumble Bob.

London's Victoria and Albert Museum paid $92,500 for the original artwork for The Rolling Stones' famous “lips” logo inspired by Mick Jagger’s mouth. The artist is now working on a current version that shows Jagger’s lips, tongue and favorite shade of PolyGrip.

A Michigan couple got married at the funeral home where the groom is a funeral director. To show the location of the wedding didn’t creep her out, the bride brought the groom’s latest customer as both something old and something blue.

Officials in London say a major overhaul of Heathrow Airport Terminals 1 and 2 will not be finished in time for the 2012 Olympics. This is good news for Michael Phelps. While his opponents’ flights are delayed, he plans to fly to France and swim across the Channel.

England’s Tesco grocery store chain Tesco says the grammar police have forced it to replace the “ten items or less” signs with ones that say correctly “up to ten items.” However, customers standing in the line will still be able to use any grammatically-incorrect four-letter words to point out cheaters.

A man who declared his own nation in Nevada called Molossia says his soon-to-be-ex-wife's recent move to Texas has forced him to ban all Texas products from his country. Coincidentally, this was also John McCain’s alternate plan for keeping President Bush from the Republican convention.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Nothing says the party’s over like mud in your bong

A Baptist pastor in Tuscon, Arizona, has created a Web site that claims "God wants you to have great sex." And suddenly, Cindy McCain begins to wonder why the evangelicals wanted her husband to pick Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin was the second person to know that John McCain had selected her as his running mate. First was the manager of the band Heart who was asked if he minded if McCain borrowed the song “Barracuda.”

The Wm. Wrigley Jr. Company reports that an Australian study found that chewing gum can reduce stress and anxiety. Unfortunately, your stress and anxiety goes back up the moment you realize you stepped on the gum you were just chewing.

The Environmental Protection Agency says that tire manufacturers and retailers have agreed to phase-out the use of lead wheel weights. The tire companies will be allowed to keep dead weights, which means the Michelin Man still has a job.

A recent survey found that nearly 30 percent of U.S. men think sex is better after their football team wins and 10 percent say they have bad sex after a loss. That could explain why overworked maternity ward employees in Indianapolis are hoping Peyton Manning’s knee injury is serious.

President Bush says there are signs that “our economy is beginning to improve.” Too bad most Americans believe the economy is beyond signs and needs a GPS system.

Sean “Diddy” Combs says he now flies on commercial airlines instead of in private jets because of the high cost of jet fuel. Flying commercial isn’t that much cheaper for Diddy because he has to pay extra to check all of his bling bags.

In a phone interview on his recent 50th birthday, Michael Jackson said of his career that “the best is yet to come.” That either means he’s going back to the recording studio or he’s finally found a nose he likes.

General Motors announced it will offer optional radios with USB ports for personal music players on some of its 2009 models. And to show how in tune GM is with modern drivers, in 2010 the radios will be able to pick up that new-fangled FM signal.

A dust storm in the northern Nevada desert caused some of the attendees at the Burning Man festival to leave early. Nothing says the party’s over like mud in your bong.

A local official in Australia claims he has proof the London killer known as Jack the Ripper is buried in Brisbane. More people would believe him if he didn’t also claim the guy in the grave was the first to say, “That’s not a knife … THIS Is a knife.”

Thousands of Harley-Davidson riders rolled through Milwaukee over the weekend celebrating the 105th anniversary of the classic American motorcycle. Residents say they haven’t seen that many people with potbellies and tattoos since the last Britney Spears look-alike contest.

Experts say a dead two-foot shark a Michigan man claims he found attached to a large fishing bobber in Lake Michigan is probably a hoax. They got suspicious when one pushed what looked like a button on the shark’s nose and it began singing “Mack the Knife.”

An aide at a branch library in Chandler, Arizona, revealed that the most popular bookmarks she discovers inside returned items are bits of toilet paper. As opposed to the White House where bits of books are found inside rolls of toilet paper.

Friday, August 29, 2008

A sexually ‘disoriented’ business

A woman sued Adams Township, Pennsylvania, for refusing to allow her to open a dance studio that featured pole-dancing exercise classes on the grounds it was a sexually oriented business. Female clients are defending her, saying that a few spins around the pole make it more of a sexually ‘disoriented’ business.

On October 1, Comcast Corporation, the nation's second-largest Internet service provider, will begin limiting customers to 250 gigabytes of traffic per month. This won’t cause much of a stir until Comcast translates it into a figure users can understand, like 1,000 porn videos per month.

In Brazil, an 18-month-old boy was treated for minor fractures after his disposable diaper caught on a security spike and slowed down his 30-foot fall out of an apartment window. The boy was kept in the hospital for observation, but his doctor allowed his mom in for a minute to give his Huggie a huggie.

David Duchovny, star of the Showtime series “Californication,” has entered a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction. His wife called for an intervention after he refused to stop watching “The XXX Files: I Want To Be Licked.”

According to a report in the journal Current Biology, researchers have found that the brains of flies are specially wired to avoid getting hit by a swatter. The best thing to use is a rolled-up journal with an article on swatters that momentarily distracts the fly.

Officials say over 84,000 people heard Barack Obama's acceptance speech at Invesco Field at Mile High Stadium in Denver. The only way to get that many Republicans to fill a football stadium is to have a halftime show featuring an investment seminar by Merrill Lynch.

John McCain surprised everybody by picking 44-year-old Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. I don’t know about Republican voters, but this could be just the thing to shock Bill Clinton back into the McCain camp.

Will Hillary Clinton’s supporters switch to John McCain now that he’s chosen Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate? That depends on how she looks in a down-filled pantsuit.

A survey by a British recruitment firm found that 40 percent of British office workers have had a romantic relationship with a co-worker. That number is much higher at British firms that have a company dental plan.

A Kentucky college student has sued an anonymous poster on a newspaper forum who said she had exposed herself to a woman and children at a mall by wearing a miniskirt that was too short. The forum now shows that the student has the support of thousands of anonymous husbands who saw her while waiting for their wives to finish shopping.

A Canadian company called McCain Foods is using the presidential campaign of John McCain -- no relation to the company -- in U.S. ads for its frozen potato products. The real McCain is thinking about sending Karl Rove to Canada to convince McCain Foods to change the product name to “frozen freedom fries.”

A woman in Lincoln, England, says her wedding, which is scheduled for next week, may be postponed after she swallowed a nail that was inside her macaroni dish. It’s her own fault. The possibility of nail consumption is why the commercial goes, “Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O’s.”

Thursday, August 28, 2008

196 flights is one cross-country trip

FBI agents arrested a blogger suspected of streaming songs from the unreleased Guns N' Roses album “Chinese Democracy” on his Web site. Now that the Olympics are over, he also received a cease-and-desist order from the Chinese communist government.

A judge in Texas ordered the father of actress and singer Hilary Duff to spend 10 days in jail for contempt of court. Ina related story, Britney Spears’ kids asked their nanny how far away is Texas.

An estimated 40,000 people threw 113 tons of ripe tomatoes in the annual tomato fight in the village of Bunol, Spain. near Valencia. Food experts call it the biggest waste of tomatoes since the invention of microwave pizza.

The Vatican is warning journalists traveling with Pope Benedict to Lourdes next month not to put bottles of holy water in their carry-on bags because it may be confiscated by airport security. They also warned not to try and avoid a drink fee by asking the pope to change free bottled water into wine.

Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps will host the 34th season premiere of “Saturday Night Live.” For sketches about the Olympics, Michael has already requested that the resident cast fat guy play Amanda Beard.

A new poll found that Americans believe Barack Obama would make a caring president while John McCain would be a decisive one. And in the poll that really matters, Americans believe that Michelle Obama would win at arm wrestling but Cindy McCain would win at mud wrestling.

The priest in Italy who was organizing a beauty pageant for nuns had to cancel it after local Catholic leaders objected to the idea. They wouldn’t change their minds even when he promised to use holy water for the ‘wet habit’ competition.

After getting complaints about a man taking coins from a fountain in front of City Hall, the New York Police Department said it can’t stop him because it’s not against the law. The man stopped on his own after being shoved out of the way by brokers from Lehman Brothers.

Southwest Airlines, the most profitable U.S. air carrier, announced it will drop more than 196 daily flights on January 11. Big deal. For Southwest, 196 flights is one cross-country trip.

According to a report in the journal Chemistry of Materials, U.S. and Japanese scientists say they've created ceramic dishware that will keep food heated by a microwave oven hotter for longer periods of time. It must work because the scientists were interviews while dipping their hands in tubs of butter.

The Dalai Lama is doing OK after being admitted to a hospital in India with “abdominal discomfort.” This happens every time he forgets his traditional wooden bowl and has to eat off of a china plate.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Olympic rowers holding ice picks

According to scientists at the National Snow and Ice Data Center, the Arctic Ocean sea ice has melted to the second lowest minimum since satellite observations began. It’s so low, Russia is replacing its huge ice-breaking trawlers with Olympic rowers holding ice picks.

A new study found that, contrary to popular belief, eating seeds, nuts, corn and popcorn does not cause the bowel disease diverticulosis. There goes the last remaining buyers for small bags of popcorn at movie theaters.

“Desperate Housewives” actress Nicollette Sheridan and singer Michael Bolton have ended their engagement. After Michael spent a few weeks living with her while rehearsing for a new CD, Nicollette realized that married life would be like living in an elevator.

Scientists in Israel are taking digital photographs of the Dead Sea Scrolls so that the 2,000-year-old documents can be made available to the public on the Internet. Luckily for John McCain, they won’t be ready in time for Barack Obama to use them to prove he’s the chosen one.

The Mars rover Opportunity is finally driving out of a giant crater nearly a year after it descended into it to study the rocks there. That’s how long it took NASA to convince the Bush administration to charge the rover with solar power instead of drilling the Mars surface for oil.

The city of Akron, Ohio, is considering a plan nicknamed “stools for schools” where it would lease the city-owned sewage system to a private contractor for $200 million and use the money for college scholarships. Proving once again that “what goes around, comes around,” most of the sewage in Akron’s system comes from high school cafeterias.

The commuter rail division of Chicago's Regional Transportation Authority is taking its bar cars out of service because they’re no longer profitable. This could be bad news for a number of regulars who will sober up and find out they haven’t had jobs in years.

A farmer in Alaska claims that his potentially record-setting 6-foot-wide giant cabbage exploded just four days before the official weigh-in at the Alaska State Fair. The good news is, he now holds the record for the world’s largest bowl of cole slaw.

A Missouri county sheriff says his policy of hanging "wanted" posters above urinals in the department's building has led to 10 arrests so far. You can tell someone has recognized a face on the wanted poster by the sound of squishy shoes.

A Mexican business owner's association is trying to stop the sale of a beer named after a legendary outlaw known as the "patron saint" of drug traffickers. And every night, American brewers drop to their knees and pray that there’s never a serial killer named Bud Miller.

Actress and Jenny Craig spokeswoman Valerie Bertinelli is set to star in a pilot for a new, as-yet-untitled comedy series on TBS. The only thing the network would confirm is that it’s not a show based on her weight loss called “Two-and-a-Half Dress Sizes.”

A Republican organization in Washington state issued an apology for offering $3 bills at a county fair booth showing Barack Obama in Muslim garb. The group also refused to acknowledge that Obama would be good for the economy even though the $3 bills are now worth 20 bucks.

Flinging poo at re-gifters

While campaigning for reelection, Alaska’s Senator Ted Stevens accused the Justice Department of trying to smear his character. Stevens got an immediate response from the publishers of Webster’s Dictionary ordering him to stop smearing the character of the word “character.”

Sean Connery returned to his hometown of Edinburgh, Scotland, to launch the release of his autobiography, “Being a Scot.” He doesn’t address accusations of abuse by his ex-wife because e he didn’t want it to be called “Beating a Scot.”

Ace Young is the latest American Idol alumnus to join the Broadway cast of “Grease.” When it comes to American Idol singers, those that can … do. Those that can’t … Grease.

Over the weekend, a sheriff's deputy pulled a gun on members of Diddy's entourage during a routine traffic stop of Diddy’s seven-car convoy. The deputy felt sorry for them and let them go after Diddy showed them his gasoline bill.

German researchers have discovered that grazing cattle and sleeping deer tend to align their bodies along the North-South axis of the Earth's magnetic field, giving new meaning to the phrase “animal magnetism.” It also gives cow-tippers a new excuse that they were just trying to find their way home.

According to a new study, monkeys can experience the joy of giving in much the same way as humans do. The only difference is, monkeys can also experience the joy of flinging poo at re-gifters.

Jon Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen will play acoustic songs before and after Barack Obama's acceptance speech at the convention. John McCain was planning similar musical bookends for his own acceptance speech, but found out Lawrence Welk and Mitch Miller don’t do acoustic songs.

The buzz in Hollywood is that Cher is in talks to play the supervillain Catwoman in the next Batman movie. She won’t take the part until it’s rewritten so that Catwoman has a sidekick played by Bob Mackie.

Collins Dictionaries of Britain said its researchers have estimated that the most commonly misspelled word in the English language is “supersede.” That explains why it’s the number-one cause of spell-checker-induced computer failures.

England's Bristol Zoo has given a pair of gibbons a curfew because their mating sounds are disturbing the zoo’s neighbors, including an elementary school. The kids don’t mind but the principal is tired of having to use the garden hose in the teacher’s lounge.

A man in Scarborough, Ontario, claims an image of the Virgin Mary has appeared in the bark of a tree outside his home. The tree is now full of squirrels praying for bigger nuts.

According to a survey published in the Journal of Women's Health, one-third of women of reproductive age borrow and share medications. The other two-thirds have figured out how to open medicine cabinets quietly.

Monday, August 25, 2008

People were looking up Sally Fields’ habit

Former Republican presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani will be in Denver during the Democratic convention. Giuliani hopes to draw attention away from the Democratic convention by attempting to eat 911 Rocky Mountain oysters.

The lineup for the next edition of “Dancing With the Stars” includes Olympic beach volleyball gold medalist Misty May-Treanor, former NFL star Warren Sapp, and 82-year-old Cloris Leachman. The theme of the first dance they do will be “The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.”

Paul McCartney is set to perform in Israel, 40 years after the Beatles were banned from playing in the Holy Land because of fears their lyrics could corrupt Israeli youth. How times have changed. The big concern now is that a young Israeli woman will corrupt Paul McCartney.

The action comedy “Tropic Thunder” topped the box office for the second straight weekend. A lot of tickets were bought by McCain campaign staffers trying to come up with a new popular foreign policy.

In Italy, a priest is organizing an online beauty pageant for nuns called “Miss Sister 2008” to give them more visibility within the Catholic Church and to fight the stereotype that they are all old and mean. He got the idea watching reruns of the old sitcom “The Flying Nun” and noticing how many people were looking up Sally Fields’ habit.

President Bush is sending Vice President Dick Cheney to Georgia in response to the conflict between that country and Russia. Cheney won’t be visiting Russia but he sent an open invitation to Vladimir Putin to meet him at a neutral site for some friendly quail shooting.

Researchers at Georgia Tech have developed a magnetic tongue-powered system that turns a person’s mouth into a virtual computer, teeth into a keyboard and tongue into finger that controls it all. The device should be popular with disabled people, not to mention guys who want to keep both hands free when downloading porn.

The makers of a Indian movie called “Hari Puttar: A Comedy of Terrors” are being sued by Warner Brothers even though they claim their film has nothing to do with “Harry Potter.” If you think Warner Brothers is mad now, wait until they hear about “Harold and Fumar Go To Hogwarts.”

Chinese Olympic officials now blame the confusion over the ages of some of its female gymnasts on “bad paperwork.” Coincidentally, that’s the same excuse they gave for the long line outside the women’s restrooms at the Bird’s Nest.

To boost sagging ratings, “American Idol” is adding a fourth judge: Grammy-nominated songwriter Kara DioGuardi. The producers had hoped to find a judge to match wits with Paula Abdul, but Barney was unavailable.

China deported a British woman, a German man and eight Americans who took part in a protest during the Olympic Games. They were the only ten people in the Bird’s Nest brave enough to stand up and say, “That thing covered with people doesn’t look anything like an Olympic torch.”

Friday, August 22, 2008

It was McCain's monthly delivery of Gold Bond

Customers in China of Apple's iTunes online music store were unable to download songs this week, possibly because Beijing was trying to block access to a new Tibet-themed album. Kind of a tit-for-tat thing … the Chinese government claims some of the artists were under 14.

Scientists say that global warming is the cause of a giant crack in the ice in northern Greenland and an 11-square-mile chunk of ice that broke off of a glacier. Things are getting so warm in Greenland, its Olympic water polo team was once its ice hockey team.

Sheriffs in Bay County, Florida, were forced to use a Taser to subdue an escaped emu. They knew they had tasered the emu enough when it started to smell like chicken.

Two of John McCain's presidential campaign offices were evacuated after a threatening letter arrived in the mail containing an unidentified white powder. McCain didn’t want to call the cops at first because he thought it was his monthly delivery of Gold Bond.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Polish Foreign Minister Radoslaw Sikorski celebrated the signing of a missile shield deal with wine from the ex-Soviet republic of Georgia. They offered her Polish vodka but the last time Condi drank Polish vodka she hit on Lech Walesa.

A fisherman in North Carolina caught a state record 21-pound channel catfish on a Barbie rod and reel his granddaughter asked him to hold for her while she went to the bathroom. That’s the biggest fish reeled in by a Barbie pole since Ken fell for the limited-edition Stripper Barbie.

At the New Jersey Pest Management Association's annual clinic and trade show, a giant Madagascar hissing cockroach named John McCain outraced one named Barack Obama. Just like the candidate it was named after, the McCain roach couldn’t remember how many roach motels he owned.

The Food and Drug Administration has approved the use of ionizing radiation to kill harmful bacteria on fresh spinach and lettuce. Cans of spinach will now come with a label explaining to kids that Popeye lost his eye in a sailing accident, not from eating irradiated spinach.

Oracle Corp. founder Larry Ellison is the top-paid chief executive in the United States, with a 2008 salary package of $84.6 million. Even so, John McCain said he’d have to see how many houses Ellison owned before determining if he would consider him rich.

Chicago police say the heart bypass surgery a local man underwent last year was charged to his friend after the patient stole his identity. They can’t recover the stolen goods, so prosecutors are hoping to convince the judge to sentence the thief to run on a treadmill until he has another heart attack.

Police in Hio, Sweden, say a man apparently received serious stab wounds while playing a game with another man that involved pressing potato peelers against each others stomachs. Luckily the emergency room bill was covered by his insurance company, Mutual of Idaho.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Gay chimpanzees who like to cross-dress

The sheriff of Lake County, Illinois, is spending time in his own jail as a way to get a perspective of how locked-up criminals feel. His fellow inmates are pretty cautious. The first thing they did was show him how to carve a bar of soap into a smaller bar of soap.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Baghdad and got Iraqi leaders to agree that there should be a timetable for the withdrawal of American troops. Boy, it’s amazing what an autographed picture of Michael Phelps will get you these days.

Tropical Storm Fay hit Florida for a third time this week. This gave Pat Robertson three chances to depict Fay as God’s way of punishing Florida for gays, liberals and bikinis.

The 400-pound reputed underboss of the New England mafia, awaiting trial on bribery charges, asked a judge to release him from home confinement for two hours a day so he can exercise. This might work if his favorite exercise wasn’t lifting a barbell, tying it to another underboss and dropping both into the nearest river.

Ricky Martin says he’s taking some time off from his music career to take care of his new twin boy that were born via a surrogate mother. The first thing he should do is call Clay Aiken to get the name of a good baby therapist.

Former “American Idol” contestant Sanjaya Malakar is the latest celebrity to appear in a commercial for Nationwide Insurance’s “Life Comes at You Fast” campaign. He originally auditioned for a Geico commercial but found out it takes talent to act like a caveman.

International Olympic Committee president Jacques Rogge criticized Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt for showing a lack of respect to other competitors after his record-breaking gold medal performances in the 100 and 200 meters. Actually, the other competitors would have been happy if Bolt just gave them a hit of whatever brand of ganja he trains on.

Hallmark thinks there’s enough business in California and Massachusetts to justify a line of same-sex wedding cards featuring two tuxedos, overlapping hearts or intertwined flowers and a congratulatory message inside. If they sell well, expect other card companies to begin scouting zoos for gay chimpanzees who like to cross-dress.

Joseph Macko, an 84-year-old Flint, Michigan, resident, has bought or leased a new Cadillac every year since 1955 and last week drove home a 2009 Cadillac DTS. He got $10,000 off the sticker price for letting General Motors take a DNA sample in an attempt to clone him.

The French government has banned French channels from airing TV shows aimed at children under 3 years old. If that happened in the U.S., Bill O’Reilly would have to move to radio.

State TV in Iran says that country’s space agency plans to send an astronaut into space within 10 years. It gave no word on whether the astronaut will be holding jar of orange Tang or a box of yellowcake uranium.

New York’s famous “Naked Cowboy” will host a new reality show where he judges the talents of street performers in an “American-Idol”-style competition. Instead of calling in votes, fans will be asked to mail a quarter to their favorite performer.

John McCain said in an interview that, even though he’s 71, he will not promise to be a one-term president if elected. I guess that includes anything less than one term too.

Hooking generators up to the legs of the Rockettes

President Bush said he sees “hopeful signs of progress” in New Orleans three years after Hurricane Katrina. That’s like telling the coach of the Washington Generals that he sees hopeful signs they’d beat the Harlem Globetrotters.

New York's Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants to put windmills on city bridges and rooftops as part of a push for renewable energy. With only 18 months left in office, he’ll have better luck hooking generators up to the legs of the Rockettes.

Jessica Simpson has signed on as spokeswoman for Stampede Light Plus, made by Dallas' Stampede Brewing Company. Leave it to Jessica Simpson to promote a product that has more in its head than she does.

Police stationed in the Tokyo subway system were unable to capture a monkey that ran loose among commuters before escaping towards a nearby park. You could tell a lot of the commuters have been watching Olympic gymnastics because they gave the monkey a 16.2 and the cops a 14.8.

Government researchers testing an epilepsy drug to treat addiction found it helped obese rats lose weight. Unfortunately, the rats were still addicted to hitting the lever for food so they stacked the uneaten pellets and escaped their cages.

The “Bigfoot” that two Georgia men claimed to have frozen in their freezer turned out to be a full-body rubber gorilla costume. A local costume store owner warned the men may next claim they have Superman in their freezer.

NASA engineers announced they will use 17 super-sized shock absorbers to stop shaking in the rocket used to take astronauts back to the moon. General Motors says NASA can have as many super-sized shock absorbers as they need if they’ll just buy all the unsold Hummers on dealer lots.

It looks like Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman, the Democratic Party's vice presidential candidate in 2000 and now a McCain supporter, will speak at the Republican National Convention. This could be the biggest shocker at a Republican convention since a black Republican showed up.

The Democratic presidential convention is expected to feature some “real people” - including an Indiana railroader, an Iowa mother and a Michigan truck driver. The Republicans tried this once but they couldn’t find any real people and didn’t have any friends in Hollywood to pretend to be some.

A judge in Auckland, New Zealand, ruled against the city's attempt to halt a parade featuring topless women on bikes. If it’s successful, the Tour de France people may add their own version next year called Tour de Cannes.

According to a new poll, John McCain leads Barack Obama among voters who attend church services weekly. And John Edwards leads both among voters who go to church to pick up chicks.

Guinness World Records says Bao Xi Shun of China has regained his title of “world's tallest man” at 7 feet, 8.95 inches after a Ukrainian man was disqualified because he wasn’t measured first-hand. Bao Xi Shun The Chinese government won’t recognize the record because Shun refuses to pick up a basketball.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Onward Christian Soakers

The story John McCain told pastor Rick Warren about a North Vietnamese prison guard making a cross in the dirt as a sign of solidarity sounds very similar to a story Alexander Solzhenitsyn told about the Soviet Gulags. Next thing you know, we’re going to find out he stole the idea for a campaign bus from Greyhound.

Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf spoke for almost an hour before revealing that he was resigning his office. That’s still second in length to the resignation speech of Hillary Clinton, which is going into its third month.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice called resigning Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf “one of the world's most committed partners in the war against terrorism and extremism.” Then she told Musharraf to stop asking Scott McClellan for tips on how to write a book.

In Australia, a lost baby humpback whale has bonded with a yacht it thinks is its mother. It’s not the yacht. Witnesses say the whale was actually attracted to the boat because the skipper was watching Michael Phelps on a portable TV.

Iran test launched a rocket that was carrying a dummy satellite. The test was successful -- the satellite flew over Washington and had no trouble picking out the dummies.

Olympic swimming superstar Michael Phelps says he wants to use his eight-gold-medal-winning performance to “change the sport of swimming in a positive way.” The first thing he needs to do is convince millions of Americans that it takes more than 12,000-calorie diets and a Speedo swimsuit.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi says convicted Mafia bosses spending time in Italian jails will no longer be allowed to sing while incarcerated because some used their songs to pass orders to outside forces. He got suspicious when he heard that one boss sang nothing but “Freebird.”

A group of young people in Boston reenacted a Civil War battle using squirt guns instead of rifles. What did they sing going into battle … Onward Christian Soakers?

According to The Sunday Times of London, hundreds of families across Britain are raising miniature cattle in their backyards to fight rising food prices. This is great for many retired jockeys who are enjoying second careers as miniature butchers.

Three-time Olympic beach volleyball player Holly McPeak - a bronze medallist for the U.S. in 2004 - says female players wear bikinis because diving for balls causes one-piece suits to collect too much sand. Holly deserves a gold medal for saving male beach volleyball fans from dirty looks from their wives.

Terrafugia, based in Woburn, Massachusetts, says it has already received more than 50 orders for a two-seater car designed to leave the road and fly like an airplane, which will be available in 2010. It’s just like George Jetson’s car, except the Transportation Security Administration requires that you drive it in stocking feet.

Swiss scientists say they have discovered electrical stimulation of the brain can produce more careful driving behavior without the driver knowing it. Hmm … how do you get a driver to ignore a wire running from his ear to the cigarette lighter?

Sunday, August 17, 2008

What really happens when the chips are down

Police in Fairfield, Connecticut, had no trouble tracking down a bearded man who robbed a bar tip jar while dressed in a dark tank top and light colored capri pants and carrying a large purse. As usual, his surveillance tape was on YouTube before his mug shot was on the evening news.

Bill Murray jumped out of an airplane 13,500 feet over Chicago and landed safely attached to a member of the Army Golden Knights Parachute Team. Was he scared? Let’s just say that “Stripes” can now refer to one of Bill’s movies or one of his boxer shorts.

It’s official: Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi got married over the weekend at an intimate ceremony in Beverly Hills. Actually, a lot of people were invited but most stayed away out of fear of getting stepped on or smacked in the face when Ellen danced the bridal dance.

The Hershey Company announced it is increasing prices on its products by an average of 11 percent. Company executives decided this was beter than reducing the size of Hershey Kisses to pecks.

After meeting with his security team, President said that some progress has been made in resolving the Georgia crisis. In fact, Bush was confident enough to predict that that, because of his efforts, Georgia should have no trouble beating Georgia Tech.

A local diamond hunter found a 4.42-carat stone at the Crater of Diamonds State Park in Arkansas. Proving she’s still got it, the first call he received was a marriage proposal from Elizabeth Taylor.

Two Ogden, Utah, neighbors got into a fight after a minor league baseball game that ended with one them biting off a part of the other's ear. That’s what happens when you try to bring in fans with a Mike Tyson Bobble-Head Night.

Results from DNA tests on samples allegedly taken from a Bigfoot corpse found in Georgia showed that one sample was human and the other was 96 percent opossum. The men who have it in their freezer now claim it’s not Bigfoot but an ancient ancestor of Michael Phelps.

The U.S. military is paying scientists $4 million to study ways to read people's minds. They’d better work fast because the General Accounting Office is already asking generals, “What the heck were you thinking?”

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger pulled out of an environmental conference in Lake Tahoe to have his knee examined after injuring himself while exercising. Arnold may have other problems too because he said tio his training buddies, “I’ll be … oooh, my back!”

About 8,000 bagpipers from 17 countries gathered in Glasgow, Scotland, for the World Pipe Band Championship competition. It’s held every year on the same weekend as the World Fingers In The Ears Championship.

Madonna turned 50 over the weekend and was recognized by the Guinness World Records people for selling more albums than any other female solo artist in history. At her birthday party, she also set a record for the fastest-ever complete and utter destruction of a cake with 50 candles.

Simon Cowell said in an interview that his $65 million-a-year paycheck allows him to spend nearly $9,400 on T-shirts. They actually cost him nothing because he sells the used ones for the same price to Ryan Seacrest.

Mrs. Fields Famous Brands LLC has filed for bankruptcy. Now you know what really happens when the chips are down.