Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Behead and Shoulders

Larry King says he’s retiring as host of “Larry King Live” so he and his wife can go to Little League baseball games. He’ll be the old guy in the stands yelling, “Hey you kids! Get off of my lawn!”

Police in Massillon, Ohio, arrested a man named Donald Duck on drunken driving charges and drug possession. His lawyer claims Donald Duck suffers from multiple personalities disorder and that’s the reason he was acting Goofy.

Actor Steve Carell says he’s leaving “The Office” at the end of season seven so he can spend more time with his family. His kids watched DVDs of the previous six seasons of him playing Michael Scott and begged him to stay on the show until they’re old enough to move out.

Actor Rob Lowe is working on a memoir called “Stories I Only Tell My Friends.” That’s not the original title but his publisher didn’t like “Stories That Explain Why I’m Not George Clooney.”

Addiction experts in Australia have found no link between excessive Internet use and problem gambling. Apparently strip Internet poker isn’t as addictive as the real thing.

Police in Florida arrested a woman who allegedly swung a toilet lid at her cousin's head before stealing his wallet. The cops found the weapon with her fingerprints on it because, like all women, she put the seat down.

A Massachusetts biotech firm has been asked by Ozzy Osbourne to analyze his DNA for his new health column in The Times of London. I predict they’ll find that his deoxyribonucleic acid is mostly acid.

The Senate voted 99-to-0 to unanimously confirm Gen. David Petraeus as the next commander of the Afghanistan war. The late Senator Robert Byrd could not vote, but just to be on the safe side President Obama banned Ouija boards from the Senate chamber.

A lock of hair from the head of Napoleon Bonaparte sold at a recent auction for $13,100. You can tell it was Napoleon’s because it still smells of his favorite shampoo … Behead and Shoulders.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Drinkers needed a strong constitution

NASA commander Alan Poindexter told a reporter that sexual intercourse is not permitted aboard the International Space Station. If it does happen, the commander is required to report it to NASA using the code phrase, “Houston, we have a probe-lem.”

The Pentagon unveiled a painting of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld that cost nearly $50,000. Most of that money was for a special coating to make it easy to wash off mustaches, goatees and horns.

Russia’s government says the U.S. arrest of 10 alleged Russian spies is an unjustified throwback to the Cold War. This was denied by Napoleon Solo, head of U.N.C.L.E.

The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit - Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka. Sounds like just the thing to get your date in the mood to spawn.

General Stanley McChrystal has decided to retire from the Army. He wants to spend more time at home giving orders to his kids to look for Waldo.

Steve Carell is leaving his role as Michael Scott on “The Office” at the end of this season. When it was pointed out that he’s had a long tenure, he said, “That’s what SHE said.”

Officials at George Washington's Virginia estate says whiskey from Washington’s original recipe is being made available for the first time since 1814. It was a pretty potent spirit back then so, like the new country, drinkers needed a strong constitution.

Thousands of Czechs are protesting plans to place a six-foot-tall Michael Jackson statue in a park in Prague. They’re afraid the statue will attract two things that always make a mess in parks: pigeons and American tourists.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Those underwater robots have a pretty tough union

Police in Michigan arrested a drunken man and woman pushing a baby stroller containing two 4-year-old boys, open containers of alcohol and a bayonet. Boy, these pre-school graduation parties are really getting out of hand.

The Colorado man who was stopped in Pakistan while on a hunt for Osama bin Laden said he wanted to capture him alive and bring him to justice. He’s pretty upset that he got closer than anyone else but still didn’t get his picture on the cover of Rolling Stone.

BP claims it is spending $100 million per day on the Gulf oil disaster. Apparently those underwater robots have a pretty tough union.

BP is denying reports out of Russia that CEO Tony Hayward is resigning. It has no comments on other reports out of Russia that vodka kills the taste of oily water.

A set of three chest X-rays taken of Marilyn Monroe during a 1954 hospital visit sold for $45,000 at an auction in Las Vegas. It’s hard to tell if it’s really Marilyn but the hand in the X-ray is definitely a Kennedy.

Britain's Prince Harry fell off of his horse while playing polo in New York. The first aid center was immediately swamped with skinny supermodels offering to donate a thimble of blood.

A video of the late Gary Coleman's exposed penis is making the rounds on the Internet. After seeing it, you’ll know what really inspired the title “Diff’rent Strokes.”

Friday, June 25, 2010

You’ll be sleeping alone again tonight

A man in Florida was run over by the pickup truck he was working on when his dog jumped into the front seat and put it in reverse. He initially refused to get treatment because he hates doctors, but the apologetic dog convinced his owner to let him drive him to his vet.

British veterinarians saved the life of a cat who lost two legs in an accident by replacing them with the world’s first fully-operational feline bionic legs. The cat has been signed to star in a new TV show called “The Six Million Dollar Manx.”

Rock singer Meat Loaf is in talks to compete on the next edition of “The Celebrity Apprentice.” He should do well as long as he doesn’t compare Donald Trump’s hair to a bat out of hell.

A two-foot long metal arm from the Terminator, the only known surviving piece of the movie robot, is being auctioned off in California. A Terminator arm would make a great I’ll-be-backscratcher.

An atheists' organization has put up a billboard on Billy Graham Parkway in Charlotte, North Carolina. Always the peacemaker, the Reverand Graham prayed for the atheists and also that no one gets hurt when lightning hits it.

In San Bernadino, California, police were called to break up a fight between parents attending a kindergarten graduation. Something about the valedictorian being undeserving of the honor because he wasn‘t potty-trained yet.

According to a study presented at the first International Conference on Yawning in Paris, yawning may be a sign of sexual desire. If you believe a yawn is a good way to show a woman you're interested, y.

It’s rumored that Playboy has offered Justin Bieber's mom $50,000 to pose topless. Sure, it sounds creepy, but if the shock causes Justin to lose his voice, I’m all for it.

Kellogg Co. is voluntarily recalling about 28 million boxes of Apple Jacks, Corn Pops, Froot Loops and Honey Smacks cereals because an unusual smell and flavor from the packages' liners could make people ill. That’s almost as many people who get ill from reading the ingredients.

Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul says an underground electronic fence along the U.S.-Mexico border would be a cost-effective way to stop illegal immigration. If it’s that cheap, I’m willing to chip and put one around Kentucky before Rand leaves.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Warm up his globe

Kal Penn has officially left the White House's Office of Public Engagement to shoot a Christmas-themed “Harold and Kumar” special. They’ll be joined by another former Obama administration official in “Harold and Kumar Make Wassail with General Stanley.”

Kentucky senatorial candidate Rand Paul once said he would have pardoned himself if he had been the state's scandal-plagued governor who violated state hiring laws. So the real reason this libertarian likes playing Monopoly is not the free market economy but the “Get out of jail free” cards.

A man who apparently passed out drunk on a pool float at a Tampa area beach ended up drifting about a mile into the Gulf of Mexico before being rescued by the Coast Guard. They didn’t say what he was drinking but the float is now called the Rye-tanic.

Engineers using remote-controlled submarines put a cap back on BP’s broken oil well after a robot accidentally knocked it off. The robot refused to take responsibility and was later spotted watching his boat compete in a remote-controlled sailboat race.

Post office officials in Germany have reduced dog attacks on mailmen by using animal psychologists to help them think like dogs. On the downside, a number of people on the routes have been bitten by disgruntled postal workers.

Army Gen. David Petraeus didn’t was any time taking over in Afghanistan for General Stanley McChrystal. He’s already told his staff to stop referring to Vice President Joe Biden as “Bite Me” and start referring to him as “Vice President Bite Me.”

Queen Elizabeth II visiting the All England Club to watch the Wimbledon tennis tournament for the first time since 1977. She hadn’t seen that many women in skimpy outfits chasing balls since Charles stopped sneaking girlfriends into the palace.

Police in Portland say they found no evidence to support charges that Al Gore had “unwanted sexual contact” with a massage therapist in 2006. They think the woman may have misunderstood Al and thought he asked her to warm up his globe.

According to new research, despite being so close together on the human face, the nose and throat contain very different types of bacteria. Which explains why we say “Cover your mouth” after a cough and “God bless you” after a sneeze.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Pixilate the jury of their peers

Utah Senator Orin Hatch wants to give drug tests to the unemployed before they can get government assistance. If receiving government assistance includes being on government health care because you’re a member of Congress, I’m all for it.

The Naked Cowboy, who performs in a cowboy hat and briefs on Times Square in New York, is suing a woman who calls herself the Naked Cowgirl and performs in a bikini. If this goes to trial, Court TV will have to pixilate the jury of their peers.

Michael Jackson's company, MJ Inc., has generated at least $1 billion in revenue in the year since his death. This breaks the previous record for money earned by a stiff set when Al Gore won the Nobel Peace prize.

A California man is fighting the state Department of Pesticide Regulation for ruling that his fertilizer made from worm poop is a pesticide because it repels bark beetles. The state is also being sued by bark beetles for ruining their fierce reputation in the beetle community.

A South Carolina town is considering a law that would make it illegal to sing, yell, shout, whistle, hoot or holler on public streets if it is annoying nearby people. The law is opposed by young girls who are afraid it will prevent an upcoming Justin Bieber concert.

With 2,300 in attendance, the NorCal Pirates Festival in California claims it has set a world record for most people in one place dressed as pirates. They also set a record for the most people pretending to have only one hand who object to being called hookers.

An art gallery in Poland is in trouble for displaying a giant billboard of a naked Minnie Mouse sprawled on a huge Nazi swastika. If they think that’s bad, wait till they see the replacement showing Mickey Mouse teaching Donald Duck to goosestep.

Police in a small town in Switzerland hired a man dressed as a guardian angel to stand on the side of the road and urge drivers to slow down. It works for everyone except hay wagons carrying guys holding pitchforks.

An engineer in China has developed an amphibious bicycle that can be ridden on land or in the water. If he doesn’t win the Tour du France, maybe Lance Armstrong can ride one in the America’s Cup yacht race.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has offered to rebuild a lightning-struck 62-foot-tall Jesus statue in Ohio as long as it carries a message about vegetarianism. The offer is opposed by church members who think it was a sign God loves barbecue.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Muammar Mia!

Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi has adopted a small Italian village to help with its poor economy and high unemployment. In return, all the Italians have to do is change their favorite exclamation to “Muammar Mia!”

BP claims it has spent $2 billion so far in response to the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. It should have been a lot more but apparently the blow-out protector on BP’s checking account is still working fine.

Authorities at Dulles International Airport arrested a man trying to smuggle more than four pounds of cocaine using powdered soup packets. Security guards got suspicious when the man showed them his really tiny soup spoon.

CBS has joined forces with an Indian company to launch channels in India. New CBS shows for the Indian market include “India’s Next Top Brahma,” “Two and a Half Maharishis” and “How Our Parents Arranged For Me To Meet Your Mother.”

Police in Syracuse charged two vacuum cleaner salesmen with a misdemeanor after they destroyed a mattress during a home demonstration. The men didn’t say what they were doing on the mattress with the vacuum but the housewife was still interested in buying the very special attachment.

An estimated 8,000 cyclists in various stages of undress rode through downtown Portland, Oregon, in the annual World Naked Bike Ride. Injuries were down this year due to pre-ride safety instructions on how to use duct tape to avoid getting caught in the spokes.

An Oklahoma woman set a new world endurance record by wing-walking four hours above San Francisco on a World War II-era biplane. Just like flying on inside an airliner, she managed to survive for four hours by eating bugs.

Elin Nordegren, wife of Tiger Woods, is enrolled at a Florida college taking a psychology course on “human abnormal behavior.” Her professor guaranteed her an A if she brings Tiger in for show-and-tell.

Under a tentative deal reached between Gov. David A. Paterson and legislative leaders, new cigarette taxes in New York will push the price to $10 a pack. This will officially mark the end of the expression, “Can I bum a smoke?”

In World Cup soccer, Portugal defeated North Korea 7-0. Fans back in Portugal celebrated by ducking their heads under their desks.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Plenty of headroom

Kentucky Republican Senate candidate Rand Paul says he sympathizes with Texas Republican Joe Barton because he knows what it’s like to be piled on. That’s like a public swimming pool saying it sympathizes with the Gulf because it knows what it’s like to be peed in.

After the Lakers won the NBA title, Ron Artest thanked his psychiatrist because “she really helped me relax a lot.” Since then, the shrink has been swamped with calls from New Jersey Nets players complaining that they were really tense.

Hustler is producing an Avatar-inspired 3D porn flick entitled “This Ain't Avatar XXX.” For people without 3D TVs, you can get the same effect by putting a blue baseball bat on the top of the set.

Campbell Soup Co. is recalling 15 million pounds of SpaghettiOs with meatballs after a cooker malfunctioned at one of the company's plants in Texas and left the meat undercooked. Campbell Soup executives fired the head of the plant and the guy who came up with that now-embarrassing “Uh-oh” slogan.

At an Arkansas airport, employees at Southwest Airlines discovered that a mislabeled package actually contained 40 to 60 human heads used for medical research. Southwest immediately released a new commercial advertising that its planes have plenty of headroom.

British and Swiss designers have created the world's most expensive model car, a $3 million replica of a Bugatti Veyron made from 24-carat gold, platinum and diamonds. The components are expensive, the designers had to pay $5,000 every time they sniffed the glue.

A Rhode Island family says their 8-year-old son was barred from wearing his patriotic hat to school because the toy army men on top were holding guns. He was allowed in the next day when he said they were Tea Party members.

Toyota announced it will resume construction of a factory in Mississippi that was halted because of the recession. The company decided it can now save money by filling the cars with free oil washing up on the Mississippi coastline.

In Illinois, former gospel singer Roger Menees received a certificate from Guinness World Records saying he had sung the lowest note ever produced by a human voice. His voice is so low, he’s being sent to the World Cup tournament to drown out the vuvuzelas.

An Italian priest has developed an iPad application that will let priests celebrate Mass with an iPad on the altar instead of the regular Catholic missal. You know your priest is using an iPad if he opens Mass by saying, “In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the HOLY CRAP! Notre Dame just scored!”

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Indiana Jones and Indiana's Bones

The Food and Drug Administration says a new so-called “female Viagra” fell short in two tests. This marks the first time the words “Viagra” and “short” have been used in the same sentence.

The American construction worker who claims he went to Pakistan to single-handedly kill Osama bin Laden says he did it after God appeared to him in a dream. It’s nice to see God is finally speaking to the right people.

North Korea’s World Cup soccer team coach says Korean leader Kim Jong-Il speaks to him during matches on an invisible phone. Reception isn’t real good so he’s not sure if the Dear Leader is saying “concentrate” or “concentration camp.”

Rush Limbaugh will appear on the Golf Channel’s "The Haney Project" where he’ll get golf tips from Tiger Woods' former coach Hank Haney. Haney warns he can only help Rush with his grip on his putter, not on reality.

A new law is going into effect restricting the mailing of cigarettes, tobacco and smokeless tobacco. Cigars can still be mailed, courtesy of a special secret loophole passed years ago by Bill Clinton.

Wildlife officials say no laws were broken when employees at an Ohio airport used vehicles to scare and chase coyotes off runways. However, they could be violating a copyright if the keep chasing the coyotes while yelling “Beep-beep!

Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart got married in a ceremony presided over by New Mexico's governor Bill Richardson. They’re thinking about finally doing a movie together called “Indiana Jones and Indiana's Bones.”

Christina Aguilera has been picked to sing the national anthem before game seven of the NBA Finals. Based on her performance before Game 6, the Lakers are hoping her singing hurts the Celtics ears enough that they can’t hear Doc Rivers yelling plays.

A Greyhound bus driver was arrested after he stole a brand-new bus in New York and drove it to see his girlfriend. To complete the romantic Greyhound mood, he brought her a selection of candy from the vending machine.

The door of an American Airlines jetliner snapped off when the plane rolled away from a gate at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport. To avoid delay, a number of passengers offered to stuff the hole with the overweight salesman sitting next to them.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

In-deceased exposure

Laurie David, ex-wife of Larry David of “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” is denying rumors she’s having an affair with Al Gore. She refuses to comment on a report that she got a tattoo on her rear for Al that reads “An Inconvenient Tush.”

Rumors are flying that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are back together. Levi decided to get more involved with raising his son Tripp after hearing Granny Sarah thought it was OK that he had friends over for tea parties.

Sweden's royal family is upset at Mattel making a Barbie doll that looks like Crown Princess Victoria. Actually, what they don’t like is that Ken can’t bend at the waist low enough to bow to her.

Scientists in Japan have completed a study they say proves that monkeys like watching television, especially shows with animals. And just like many humans, the monkeys threw poo at the screen every time Glenn Beck came on.

A man in China has trained his Belgian shepherd to climb trees and says the dog can go higher than ten feet. In a related story, Michael Vick just cut down the big tree outside his bedroom window.

Actor Kevin Costner has won a contract to supply BP with 32 of his high-tech oil separation machines. He’s also changed his Native American name to “”Dances With Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing.”

A mortuary in Ohio was shut down after the funeral director was caught walking around naked or partially-clothed in the funeral home during business hours. He was charged with in-deceased exposure.

It’s being reported that Goldman Sachs had to bring in exterminators to rid its office building in Jersey City, N.J., of bed bugs. A spokesperson for Goldman Sachs refused to comment on the blood-sucking lice out of professional courtesy.

Officials at a British museum dedicated to Winston Churchill said they have no idea who digitally altered a photograph of him and removed his cigar. A representative working on the George W. Bush Presidential Library is hoping to find whoever did it and see if they know how to remove a smirk.

A bullfighter in Mexico City who ran away from a bull in the rig was arrested and charged with breach of contract. Talk about a tough law. He either has to pay a big fine or cut off his ear and give it to the bull.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

A see-thru burqa at Victoria’s Secret

To improve the brand’s image, General Motors has told employees they should no longer refer to a Chevrolet automobile as a “Chevy.” In a similar move, Toyota told employees to stop referring to a Toyota as an “Oy.”

Delta Airlines says a paperwork mix-up resulted in a boy being sent to Cleveland and a girl being flown to Boston instead of vice versa. The girl didn’t mind but the boy took the flight wings the pilot gave him, stormed the cockpit and tried to stop them from landing in Cleveland.

A team of Irish scientists digging in Armenia found what is believed to be the oldest leather shoe in the world -- a 5,500-year-old cowhide shoe. Depending on which side of evolution you stand, this is either an interesting find or possibly the exact shoe God wore when kicking Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden.

Paula Deen's former maid was arrested for allegedly stealing $100,000 in jewelry from the celebrity chef’s Georgia home. A pawn shop owner suspected it was Deen’s jewelry because the string of pearls was actually deep-fried pearl onions.

McDonald's is offering $3 cash for the return of any recalled toxic "Shrek" glasses, but the items are selling for up to $5 on eBay. Burger King is offering $6 a glass, but only if you stand in front of one of its stores holding it.

Mr. T, the star of television's original “A-Team” series, says the new “A-Team” movie is too graphic for him. Mr. T is so old, the only fools he pities these days are the ones who stand behind him while he’s eating.

The Roman Catholic Church in Scotland says singer Susan Boyle will perform for Pope Benedict XVI on his tour of Britain later this year. This is part of the church’s plan to promote celibacy by scaring priests away from women.

AT&T admits that a security problem exposed the e-mail addresses of over 100,000 users of Apple's iPad. The iPad owners knew they’d been hacked when they Googled “God” and got Bill Gates’ picture instead of Steve Jobs.

A court in Saudi Arabia convicted a man and sentenced him to four months in prison and 90 lashes for kissing a woman in a mall. Actually, the prison sentence was for the kiss - the 90 lashes was for buying her a see-thru burqa at Victoria’s Secret.

The Brazilian referee and his assistants who will work the England-United States match at the World Cup have been studying English-language obscenities the players might use. Luckily they only have to learn spoken obscenities since soccer players aren’t allowed to use their hands.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Save your nude photos for a possible moon shot

A construction worker in China suffered only a broken leg after falling into a working concrete mixer. He was pulled out just as the blade was about to hit his buttocks, which would have turned the concrete into asphalt.

A company is England has developed a pair of Wellington boots that will charge your cell phone by turning the heat from your feet into an electrical current. Big deal. I put a pork chop in my sneakers and in eight hours I have cured ham.

An Oregon company called That's My Face uses photos to create personalized action figures so customers can play with themselves. Most guys buy two dolls – an action figure of themselves and a Barbie making an O-face.

Wildlife experts in South Africa are worried that the large Cape vulture could be hunted to extinction by gamblers who believe smoking its brains gives them magic powers to predict World Cup results. Not to mention breath that makes bookies accept any bet just to make them go away.

A week after Al and Tipper Gore announced their separation, their oldest child, Karenna Gore, announced that she’s also getting a divorce. Her husband said it all started when that boring old fat guy in the hemp bathrobe moved in.

A team of Canadian and British scientists have developed clothing that senses the wearer’s mood and responds accordingly. Although the clothing can play music, show photographs or display text messages to the wearer’s mood, when men put it on all it does is makes the pants fall down.

An Oregon man ran 102 miles barefoot to set a world record for the longest distance run without wearing shoes. He didn’t say how fast he ran but witnesses report it was a blistering pace.

According to a new study, short people have a 50 percent higher risk of having a heart problem or dying from one than tall people. They blame it on the fact that short people can only reach the sugary cereals at the grocery store.

Sarah Plain told President Obama he should call her for advice on stopping the Gulf oil spill. Apparently she has a neighbor who she thinks is a perfect fit for the hole.

NASA is inviting the public to send in their portraits and the photos will be sent into space aboard one of the two remaining space shuttle flights. They ask that you save your nude photos for a possible moon shot.