Warm up his globe

Kal Penn has officially left the White House's Office of Public Engagement to shoot a Christmas-themed “Harold and Kumar” special. They’ll be joined by another former Obama administration official in “Harold and Kumar Make Wassail with General Stanley.”

Kentucky senatorial candidate Rand Paul once said he would have pardoned himself if he had been the state's scandal-plagued governor who violated state hiring laws. So the real reason this libertarian likes playing Monopoly is not the free market economy but the “Get out of jail free” cards.

A man who apparently passed out drunk on a pool float at a Tampa area beach ended up drifting about a mile into the Gulf of Mexico before being rescued by the Coast Guard. They didn’t say what he was drinking but the float is now called the Rye-tanic.

Engineers using remote-controlled submarines put a cap back on BP’s broken oil well after a robot accidentally knocked it off. The robot refused to take responsibility and was later spotted watching his boat compete in a remote-controlled sailboat race.

Post office officials in Germany have reduced dog attacks on mailmen by using animal psychologists to help them think like dogs. On the downside, a number of people on the routes have been bitten by disgruntled postal workers.

Army Gen. David Petraeus didn’t was any time taking over in Afghanistan for General Stanley McChrystal. He’s already told his staff to stop referring to Vice President Joe Biden as “Bite Me” and start referring to him as “Vice President Bite Me.”

Queen Elizabeth II visiting the All England Club to watch the Wimbledon tennis tournament for the first time since 1977. She hadn’t seen that many women in skimpy outfits chasing balls since Charles stopped sneaking girlfriends into the palace.

Police in Portland say they found no evidence to support charges that Al Gore had “unwanted sexual contact” with a massage therapist in 2006. They think the woman may have misunderstood Al and thought he asked her to warm up his globe.

According to new research, despite being so close together on the human face, the nose and throat contain very different types of bacteria. Which explains why we say “Cover your mouth” after a cough and “God bless you” after a sneeze.