Plenty of headroom

Kentucky Republican Senate candidate Rand Paul says he sympathizes with Texas Republican Joe Barton because he knows what it’s like to be piled on. That’s like a public swimming pool saying it sympathizes with the Gulf because it knows what it’s like to be peed in.

After the Lakers won the NBA title, Ron Artest thanked his psychiatrist because “she really helped me relax a lot.” Since then, the shrink has been swamped with calls from New Jersey Nets players complaining that they were really tense.

Hustler is producing an Avatar-inspired 3D porn flick entitled “This Ain't Avatar XXX.” For people without 3D TVs, you can get the same effect by putting a blue baseball bat on the top of the set.

Campbell Soup Co. is recalling 15 million pounds of SpaghettiOs with meatballs after a cooker malfunctioned at one of the company's plants in Texas and left the meat undercooked. Campbell Soup executives fired the head of the plant and the guy who came up with that now-embarrassing “Uh-oh” slogan.

At an Arkansas airport, employees at Southwest Airlines discovered that a mislabeled package actually contained 40 to 60 human heads used for medical research. Southwest immediately released a new commercial advertising that its planes have plenty of headroom.

British and Swiss designers have created the world's most expensive model car, a $3 million replica of a Bugatti Veyron made from 24-carat gold, platinum and diamonds. The components are expensive, the designers had to pay $5,000 every time they sniffed the glue.

A Rhode Island family says their 8-year-old son was barred from wearing his patriotic hat to school because the toy army men on top were holding guns. He was allowed in the next day when he said they were Tea Party members.

Toyota announced it will resume construction of a factory in Mississippi that was halted because of the recession. The company decided it can now save money by filling the cars with free oil washing up on the Mississippi coastline.

In Illinois, former gospel singer Roger Menees received a certificate from Guinness World Records saying he had sung the lowest note ever produced by a human voice. His voice is so low, he’s being sent to the World Cup tournament to drown out the vuvuzelas.

An Italian priest has developed an iPad application that will let priests celebrate Mass with an iPad on the altar instead of the regular Catholic missal. You know your priest is using an iPad if he opens Mass by saying, “In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the HOLY CRAP! Notre Dame just scored!”