Sarah Palin’s senior adviser and spokeswoman, Meghan Stapleton, says she’s resigning to spend more time with her 2-year-old daughter. Working for Palin was the perfect training for her new job.
A British web site is marketing glow-in-the-dark toilet paper for campers who get the urge in the middle of the night. Sounds like something invented by a bear who couldn’t afford night-vision goggles.
A survey found that 65 percent of dentists reported that economic stress has caused an increase in patients’ jaw clenching and teeth grinding. The other 35 percent said their patients asked them to pull their teeth so they could leave them under their pillows.
Bollywood filmmaker Ram Gopal Varma is offering $10,000 to anyone who can watch his latest supernatural thriller alone in a theater without getting scared. The movie watcher will be hooked up to a heart monitor, kind of like when Dick Cheney watches President Obama’s press conferences.
A woman in Atlantic City who was shot while entering a bar credits her love handles with saving her life by keeping the bullet from hitting any vital organs. In a related story, Kirstie Alley has fired her bodyguards.
Dick Cheney is home after surviving his fifth heart attack. He’s feeling so good, he spent most of the day on the phone trash-talking with the Energizer Bunny.
Gail Huff, wife of Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown, revealed that on their first date he wore $750 pink leather shorts. Coupled with his vote on the jobs bill, his party now suspects he’s a RHINO – Republican and Heterosexual In Name Only.
An international arrest warrant has been issued for Angie Sanselmente Valencia, a lingerie model who is believed to be the leader of the one of the world's largest cocaine smuggling rings. You may have seen her on the cover of the swimsuit edition of Snorts Illustrated.
A Japanese company is selling the “Age Prediction Machine,” a pocket-sized gadget that allegedly can determine the age of your date. It’s not completely accurate, but it beats waiting to see if she reaches for the wine list or the crayons and kids menu.
NASA’s Cassini spacecraft has captured photos of Saturn's moon Enceladus that look like it is spitting something from its surface. Scientists are trying to determine if it’s caused by geysers or a really foul asteroid.
Charlie Sheen has checked himself into rehab to deal with his cocaine and alcohol use. He’s tried a recovery program before but has never been able to get past the Second-and-a-Half Step.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Amish Barbie
New Republican Senator Scott Brown voted with the Democrats to give President Obama’s jobs bill 62 votes and avoid a filibuster. Republican leaders were so upset, Brown woke up the next morning to find the head of his nude Cosmo photo in his bed.
Russian men’s figure skater Evgeni Plushenko is so upset about getting a silver medal instead of gold, he claims on his web site that he actually won a platinum medal. He’s hoping it will fool Russian leaders who are planning to send him to a Zamboni factory in Siberia.
Former vice president Dick Cheney seems to be doing OK after being checked into the hospital with chest pains. He managed to sit up on his own and waterboard three orderlies trying to get him to use a bedpan.
Sarah Palin will be one of Jay Leno’s first guests when the “Tonight Show” returns. She’s bringing her own comedy sketch to do with Jay, so Leno is busy practicing saying “Who’s there?” and “Sarah who?”
Bristol Palin will make her acting debut on an upcoming episode of “The Secret Life of the American Teenager,” a show about the consequences of teen pregnancy. Although she’ll be playing herself, she’ll show her acting ability by acting like she knows what she’s talking about.
A rare copy of the first comic book featuring Superman sold at auction for a record $1 million. The previous record for the most money paid for a comic book was held by the publisher of Sarah Palin’s autobiography.
Iran has ordered airlines to use the term ‘Persian Gulf” rather than ‘Arabian Gulf” to describe the body of water separating Iran from the Arabian Peninsula or be banned from Iranian airspace. In a similar move after losing to the US in Olympics hockey, Canada ordered planes to use the term Canadian Gulf instead of the Great Lakes.
Authorities in Townsville, Australia, are warning residents to keep an eye out for crocodiles on the local golf course. They had planned to warn about a snake in the grass, but Tiger Woods pulled out of the Australian Open this year.
Posters for a touring production of the Broadway show “Avenue Q” were banned in Colorado Springs because they show the cleavage of a female puppet. Now you know where to go to get new outfits for your Amish Barbie.
According to a UN report, more than half of the people in the developing world are now cell phone subscribers. The most popular iPhone app in the developing world is “Find Americans Who Fall For Scams.”
Russian men’s figure skater Evgeni Plushenko is so upset about getting a silver medal instead of gold, he claims on his web site that he actually won a platinum medal. He’s hoping it will fool Russian leaders who are planning to send him to a Zamboni factory in Siberia.
Former vice president Dick Cheney seems to be doing OK after being checked into the hospital with chest pains. He managed to sit up on his own and waterboard three orderlies trying to get him to use a bedpan.
Sarah Palin will be one of Jay Leno’s first guests when the “Tonight Show” returns. She’s bringing her own comedy sketch to do with Jay, so Leno is busy practicing saying “Who’s there?” and “Sarah who?”
Bristol Palin will make her acting debut on an upcoming episode of “The Secret Life of the American Teenager,” a show about the consequences of teen pregnancy. Although she’ll be playing herself, she’ll show her acting ability by acting like she knows what she’s talking about.
A rare copy of the first comic book featuring Superman sold at auction for a record $1 million. The previous record for the most money paid for a comic book was held by the publisher of Sarah Palin’s autobiography.
Iran has ordered airlines to use the term ‘Persian Gulf” rather than ‘Arabian Gulf” to describe the body of water separating Iran from the Arabian Peninsula or be banned from Iranian airspace. In a similar move after losing to the US in Olympics hockey, Canada ordered planes to use the term Canadian Gulf instead of the Great Lakes.
Authorities in Townsville, Australia, are warning residents to keep an eye out for crocodiles on the local golf course. They had planned to warn about a snake in the grass, but Tiger Woods pulled out of the Australian Open this year.
Posters for a touring production of the Broadway show “Avenue Q” were banned in Colorado Springs because they show the cleavage of a female puppet. Now you know where to go to get new outfits for your Amish Barbie.
According to a UN report, more than half of the people in the developing world are now cell phone subscribers. The most popular iPhone app in the developing world is “Find Americans Who Fall For Scams.”
Monday, February 22, 2010
Three Mushkateers
The Netherlands announced it is removing its troops from Afghanistan. Out of habit, George W. Bush is boycotting Dutch Boy paints while Dick Cheney water-boarded some little girls for refusing to stop Double Dutch rope-jumping.
A new study found that the high unemployment rate has had a negative effect on breakfast sales at fast-food restaurants. McDonald’s may try to reduce prices by cutting out the bread and cheese and just selling the Egg McNothing.
President Obama caused some controversy during the Governor’s Ball at the White House by toasting the attendees with a glass filled with water. The Democrats didn’t mind but the Republicans didn’t like having to whine by themselves.
The owner of a Beaver Creek, Colorado mansion once owned by President Gerald Ford is selling the home for $13 million. The price is high because every doorway, stairway and piece of wooden furniture is heavily padded.
Brothel owners in the Lugano area of Switzerland are training their workers in the use of defibrillators due to their high number of elderly clients. The girls are instructed to shock the customer’s chest to get his heart started and then shock his face to remove the smile.
A truckload of confiscated marijuana with a street value of more than $1 million disappeared somewhere between Memphis and Louisville. Tennessee authorities think it’s being smoked in Louisville because everybody knows that in the past Kentucky blew grass.
In Orlando, Florida, a man attending a gun safety class in a church was accidentally shot in the foot by his instructor. The instructor was apparently combining religion and guns by teaching from the Book of Shooteronomy.
A Saudi Arabian court handed down a 120-lash sentence to a man who was simultaneously married to six women, which is two more than the legal limit. Do you know what a man who’s married to six women calls 120 lashes? A vacation.
British scientists claim to have developed a new low-fat chocolate bar that is nearly two-thirds water yet tastes the same as regular chocolate. New candy bars that are mostly water are the Milky Wave, the Mr. Goodbath and the Three Mushkateers.
More than 30 years after the first test tube baby, researcher say that the more than 3 million babies conceived that way are healthy and normal. Except for an aversion to using glass-enclosed elevators.
A new study found that the high unemployment rate has had a negative effect on breakfast sales at fast-food restaurants. McDonald’s may try to reduce prices by cutting out the bread and cheese and just selling the Egg McNothing.
President Obama caused some controversy during the Governor’s Ball at the White House by toasting the attendees with a glass filled with water. The Democrats didn’t mind but the Republicans didn’t like having to whine by themselves.
The owner of a Beaver Creek, Colorado mansion once owned by President Gerald Ford is selling the home for $13 million. The price is high because every doorway, stairway and piece of wooden furniture is heavily padded.
Brothel owners in the Lugano area of Switzerland are training their workers in the use of defibrillators due to their high number of elderly clients. The girls are instructed to shock the customer’s chest to get his heart started and then shock his face to remove the smile.
A truckload of confiscated marijuana with a street value of more than $1 million disappeared somewhere between Memphis and Louisville. Tennessee authorities think it’s being smoked in Louisville because everybody knows that in the past Kentucky blew grass.
In Orlando, Florida, a man attending a gun safety class in a church was accidentally shot in the foot by his instructor. The instructor was apparently combining religion and guns by teaching from the Book of Shooteronomy.
A Saudi Arabian court handed down a 120-lash sentence to a man who was simultaneously married to six women, which is two more than the legal limit. Do you know what a man who’s married to six women calls 120 lashes? A vacation.
British scientists claim to have developed a new low-fat chocolate bar that is nearly two-thirds water yet tastes the same as regular chocolate. New candy bars that are mostly water are the Milky Wave, the Mr. Goodbath and the Three Mushkateers.
More than 30 years after the first test tube baby, researcher say that the more than 3 million babies conceived that way are healthy and normal. Except for an aversion to using glass-enclosed elevators.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Your seeds are being eliminated
In an interview at the CPAC convention, Stephen Baldwin referred to President Obama as “homey.” Stephen is the one the other Baldwin brothers referred to as “adopted.”
There’s an online effort to Indiana rocker John Mellencamp to run for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by Democratic Sen. Evan Bayh. His support comes from a coalition of American kids, guys in small towns and cougars.
The wife of televangelist Benny Hinn filed for divorce after 30 years of marriage because of irreconcilable differences. He believed he could raise the dead but she kept saying she had a headache.
Health officials distributed 100,000 condoms at the Winter Olympics. That sounds like a lot but over half were for the support teams of the male figure skaters.
In a recent interview, former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said that during the 2008 financial crisis, he felt like he was “boiling in oil,” unable to sleep at night and subject to dry heaving. The feelings passed when his staff reminded him that it wasn’t his money.
Rapper Lil Wayne underwent eight root canals in a single day to get ready for his one-year prison sentence. He’ll be pretty disappointed when he finds out chewing through the bars only works in cartoons.
A British department store announced it will feature size 16 mannequins to model clothes because the average British woman is a size 16. Victoria’s Secret tried using full-figured mannequins once but they made the thongs disappear.
A suburban Chicago urology practice plans to advertise its vasectomy services during college basketball's March Madness tournament. Nothing like NCAA tournament to remind you that your seeds are being eliminated.
It took doctors in Prague five months to figure out that a Czech woman’s abdominal pain was caused by a foot-long medical tool left behind when she had surgery. Besides the pain, the spatula-shaped instrument was also causing her to flip over in bed.
The White House and the Education Department are holding a contest for public high schools where the winner gets President Obama to speak at their commencement ceremony. When the contest was announced, students at Ronald Reagan High School began cheering, “We’re Number 48,754!”
There’s an online effort to Indiana rocker John Mellencamp to run for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by Democratic Sen. Evan Bayh. His support comes from a coalition of American kids, guys in small towns and cougars.
The wife of televangelist Benny Hinn filed for divorce after 30 years of marriage because of irreconcilable differences. He believed he could raise the dead but she kept saying she had a headache.
Health officials distributed 100,000 condoms at the Winter Olympics. That sounds like a lot but over half were for the support teams of the male figure skaters.
In a recent interview, former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said that during the 2008 financial crisis, he felt like he was “boiling in oil,” unable to sleep at night and subject to dry heaving. The feelings passed when his staff reminded him that it wasn’t his money.
Rapper Lil Wayne underwent eight root canals in a single day to get ready for his one-year prison sentence. He’ll be pretty disappointed when he finds out chewing through the bars only works in cartoons.
A British department store announced it will feature size 16 mannequins to model clothes because the average British woman is a size 16. Victoria’s Secret tried using full-figured mannequins once but they made the thongs disappear.
A suburban Chicago urology practice plans to advertise its vasectomy services during college basketball's March Madness tournament. Nothing like NCAA tournament to remind you that your seeds are being eliminated.
It took doctors in Prague five months to figure out that a Czech woman’s abdominal pain was caused by a foot-long medical tool left behind when she had surgery. Besides the pain, the spatula-shaped instrument was also causing her to flip over in bed.
The White House and the Education Department are holding a contest for public high schools where the winner gets President Obama to speak at their commencement ceremony. When the contest was announced, students at Ronald Reagan High School began cheering, “We’re Number 48,754!”
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Jay’s cell phone ring tone
The Olympics topped “American Idol” in the ratings Wednesday, the first time Idol has finished second in six years. Randy blamed it on Kara being too pitchy but Simon said it was because Ellen belongs in a high school musical.
After their meeting at the White House, the Dalai Lama said he was “very happy” and that President Obama was “very much supportive.” Just goes to show that good things happen when you send Joe Biden out for Chinese beer.
First lady Michelle Obama met at the White House with students visiting from England and told them that hard work will allow them to do anything they set their mind to. Republicans said this was the second time Michelle has encouraged someone not born in the U.S. they can be president.
According to a new study, happy people are less likely to have a heart attack. So how do you explain Bill Clinton having chest pains while Hillary was out of town?
In Colombia, a woman declared dead of a heart attack moved one of her arms just as an undertaker was about to embalm her. Unlike in the U.S., she was not trying to show him her insurance card.
Former President Bill Clinton says he knew something was wrong with him when he saw how bad he looked on “Nightline.” His face stayed pale even when reporter Cynthia McFadden showed him some cleavage.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney made an unannounced appearance at the Conservative Political Action Conference and told the crowd he won’t run for president in 2012. So they offered him his choice of dictator, emperor or dark lord.
Elton John is on the covers of this weekend's Parade magazine and in the interview says he thinks Jesus was a gay man. Religious scholars say this can’t be true because the Bible states Jesus walked across the water, not skated across it.
Kevin Eubanks has confirmed he will play a smaller role on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" when the show returns next month. NBC is so broke, the band will be replaced two times a week by Jay’s cell phone ring tone.
Food researchers have found that adding rosemary extract to ground beef reduces cancer-causing agents that can form upon cooking. On the other hand, adding parsley, sage and thyme increases karaoke-causing agents.
After their meeting at the White House, the Dalai Lama said he was “very happy” and that President Obama was “very much supportive.” Just goes to show that good things happen when you send Joe Biden out for Chinese beer.
First lady Michelle Obama met at the White House with students visiting from England and told them that hard work will allow them to do anything they set their mind to. Republicans said this was the second time Michelle has encouraged someone not born in the U.S. they can be president.
According to a new study, happy people are less likely to have a heart attack. So how do you explain Bill Clinton having chest pains while Hillary was out of town?
In Colombia, a woman declared dead of a heart attack moved one of her arms just as an undertaker was about to embalm her. Unlike in the U.S., she was not trying to show him her insurance card.
Former President Bill Clinton says he knew something was wrong with him when he saw how bad he looked on “Nightline.” His face stayed pale even when reporter Cynthia McFadden showed him some cleavage.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney made an unannounced appearance at the Conservative Political Action Conference and told the crowd he won’t run for president in 2012. So they offered him his choice of dictator, emperor or dark lord.
Elton John is on the covers of this weekend's Parade magazine and in the interview says he thinks Jesus was a gay man. Religious scholars say this can’t be true because the Bible states Jesus walked across the water, not skated across it.
Kevin Eubanks has confirmed he will play a smaller role on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" when the show returns next month. NBC is so broke, the band will be replaced two times a week by Jay’s cell phone ring tone.
Food researchers have found that adding rosemary extract to ground beef reduces cancer-causing agents that can form upon cooking. On the other hand, adding parsley, sage and thyme increases karaoke-causing agents.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Their large and painful bruised egos
Tiger Woods is scheduled to hold his first news conference in three months on Friday in the clubhouse at the headquarters of the PGA Tour in Florida. Just like after a PGA golf tournament, Tiger will be expected to verify his scorecard.
Tiger Woods is scheduled to hold his first news conference in three months on Friday in the clubhouse at the headquarters of the PGA Tour in Florida. The clubhouse is usually called the 19th Hole, but for this event they will add a couple of zeroes.
At a speech in Arkansas, Sarah Palin refered to Twitter as a “little twittering thing.” Coincidentally, that’s the same thing she said about Levi Johnston’s picture in Playgirl.
First Lady Michelle Obama will make her debut appearance on Fox News on Mike Huckabee’s show. Mrs. Obama will discuss cutting out sugary breakfasts in her childhood obesity campaign while Huckabee will defend the Republican position of “pro Life cereal.”
When Kim Kardashian found out she was seated next to an air marshal on a recent flight, she tweeted about it to her 3 million plus followers. After hearing this, even the ACLU is having second thoughts about torture.
The Daughters of the American Revolution are threatening to boycott Polo merchandise because the company didn’t put stars and stripes on the American Olympic uniforms. They also plan to boycott the biathlon unless competitors switch from rifles to muskets.
A television series on the Kennedy family being produced by Joel Surnow, the creator of the series “24,” is getting heat for being too critical. The worst part is the running clock showing how many women JFK had sex with in 24 hours.
A survey in England found that more than half a million British people only wash their bed sheets an average three times per year. If they sleep face down, it’s no wonder they have stiff upper lips.
An Arizona advertising company is the first to pay commuters $100 per month to drive around with ads on their cars. Body shop owners are kicking in an extra 50 bucks if the commuter drives a Toyota.
Lindsey Vonn overcame a large and painful bruise to win a gold medal in the Olympic downhill. Inspired by Vonn, President Obama is asking Democrats in Congress to overcome their large and painful bruised egos.
Tiger Woods is scheduled to hold his first news conference in three months on Friday in the clubhouse at the headquarters of the PGA Tour in Florida. The clubhouse is usually called the 19th Hole, but for this event they will add a couple of zeroes.
At a speech in Arkansas, Sarah Palin refered to Twitter as a “little twittering thing.” Coincidentally, that’s the same thing she said about Levi Johnston’s picture in Playgirl.
First Lady Michelle Obama will make her debut appearance on Fox News on Mike Huckabee’s show. Mrs. Obama will discuss cutting out sugary breakfasts in her childhood obesity campaign while Huckabee will defend the Republican position of “pro Life cereal.”
When Kim Kardashian found out she was seated next to an air marshal on a recent flight, she tweeted about it to her 3 million plus followers. After hearing this, even the ACLU is having second thoughts about torture.
The Daughters of the American Revolution are threatening to boycott Polo merchandise because the company didn’t put stars and stripes on the American Olympic uniforms. They also plan to boycott the biathlon unless competitors switch from rifles to muskets.
A television series on the Kennedy family being produced by Joel Surnow, the creator of the series “24,” is getting heat for being too critical. The worst part is the running clock showing how many women JFK had sex with in 24 hours.
A survey in England found that more than half a million British people only wash their bed sheets an average three times per year. If they sleep face down, it’s no wonder they have stiff upper lips.
An Arizona advertising company is the first to pay commuters $100 per month to drive around with ads on their cars. Body shop owners are kicking in an extra 50 bucks if the commuter drives a Toyota.
Lindsey Vonn overcame a large and painful bruise to win a gold medal in the Olympic downhill. Inspired by Vonn, President Obama is asking Democrats in Congress to overcome their large and painful bruised egos.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Somewhere, a goat is crying
In an interview with ABC News, Osama bin Laden’s son, Omar, said that his father was the “most kind” of the jihadi terrorists he has known. That’s also the most popular message on Father’s Day cards from Afghanistan Greetings.
Walter Fredrick Morrison, the inventor of the Frisbee, passed away at age 90. After his arrival, angels finally found a good use for halos.
Walter Fredrick Morrison, the inventor of the Frisbee, passed away at age 90. To avoid problems, the funeral director will be serving food on sticks.
Marvel Comics has apologized to the Tea Party Movement for Captain America investigating a right-wing anti-government militia group at what looks like a Tea Party rally. It also denied that the wives of Republican politicians were the model for Invisible Woman.
The new Tiger Woods online golfing game is being promoted with the slogan, “Never Play Alone.” That’s different than Nike’s new slogan for Tiger, “Just Do It Alone.”
Police in North Vancouver, Canada, blew up a suspicious package and found out it contained a fishing rod. They believe it may have been sent by a mysterious terrorist group known as the Talibass.
According to a new survey, just 8 percent of Americans want their members of Congress in Washington re-elected. The other 92 percent don’t even want them thawed out.
The city of Rome had its first real snowfall in more than two decades. They blame it on a mistake in a note sent to the pope requesting he pray for snow for Italian skiers competing in the Winter Olympics.
A high-end British supermarket is now selling toilet paper made with cashmere. Somewhere, a goat is crying.
A Wal-Mart in South Kitsap, Washington, had to be evacuated after a man allegedly made customers sick with chemicals labeled “Stink Bombs” and “Super Fart Spray.” Store management didn’t call for help right away because they thought the smell was coming from the door greeters.
Walter Fredrick Morrison, the inventor of the Frisbee, passed away at age 90. After his arrival, angels finally found a good use for halos.
Walter Fredrick Morrison, the inventor of the Frisbee, passed away at age 90. To avoid problems, the funeral director will be serving food on sticks.
Marvel Comics has apologized to the Tea Party Movement for Captain America investigating a right-wing anti-government militia group at what looks like a Tea Party rally. It also denied that the wives of Republican politicians were the model for Invisible Woman.
The new Tiger Woods online golfing game is being promoted with the slogan, “Never Play Alone.” That’s different than Nike’s new slogan for Tiger, “Just Do It Alone.”
Police in North Vancouver, Canada, blew up a suspicious package and found out it contained a fishing rod. They believe it may have been sent by a mysterious terrorist group known as the Talibass.
According to a new survey, just 8 percent of Americans want their members of Congress in Washington re-elected. The other 92 percent don’t even want them thawed out.
The city of Rome had its first real snowfall in more than two decades. They blame it on a mistake in a note sent to the pope requesting he pray for snow for Italian skiers competing in the Winter Olympics.
A high-end British supermarket is now selling toilet paper made with cashmere. Somewhere, a goat is crying.
A Wal-Mart in South Kitsap, Washington, had to be evacuated after a man allegedly made customers sick with chemicals labeled “Stink Bombs” and “Super Fart Spray.” Store management didn’t call for help right away because they thought the smell was coming from the door greeters.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Crappalachian Trail
President Obama admits he likes the snow in D.C. because it reminds him of Chicago. His favorite part is when local weather reporters refer to blizzard conditions as a “whiteout.”
Scientists studying the DNA of a man who lived in Greenland about 4,000 years ago have determined that he had the genetic trait for baldness. It appear the man knew he was going bald because his head was covered with ground-up black birds, which he called “Crow-gain.”
Hyde Park in London is setting aside an exercise area with low-impact equipment for out-of-shape older people. Or as they’re referred to in London: Westminster flabbies.
According to an article in the International Journal of Epidemiology, there's a possibility that the more bored you are, the more likely you are to die early. Republicans plan to use this to accuse Al Gore of attempted mass murder.
Rangers in the Bridger-Teton National Forest in Wyoming say dog poop is piling up on paths where people go hiking and cross-country skiing with their dogs. It’s so bad, the main path is now known as the Crappalachian Trail.
A court in Saudi Arabia has upheld a sentence of five years in jail and 1,000 lashes for a Saudi man who had bragged about his sexual escapades on television. This explains why Saudi Arabia has no national basketball team.
Scott Brown, the newly-elected Republican senator from Massachusetts, says he’s writing a book that will combine memoir and inspiration. Since his previous claim to fame is posing nude in Cosmo, he should call it “Clothing Rogue.”
Honda has added 437,000 vehicles to its 15-month-old global recall for faulty air bags. This is the worst year for Japanese carmakers since the year the United Nations banned the use of 10-W-30 whale oil.
Rachel Uchitel, one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses, has reportedly been offered a job on the entertainment TV show “Extra” as a special correspondent. She has plenty of experience since doing extras and specials is what got her the job with Tiger.
Jeff Probst signed a deal to stay with “Survivor” next season for the 21st and 22nd installments. CBS would like to replace him with someone cheaper but their hands are tied since he has an immunity necklace.
Scientists studying the DNA of a man who lived in Greenland about 4,000 years ago have determined that he had the genetic trait for baldness. It appear the man knew he was going bald because his head was covered with ground-up black birds, which he called “Crow-gain.”
Hyde Park in London is setting aside an exercise area with low-impact equipment for out-of-shape older people. Or as they’re referred to in London: Westminster flabbies.
According to an article in the International Journal of Epidemiology, there's a possibility that the more bored you are, the more likely you are to die early. Republicans plan to use this to accuse Al Gore of attempted mass murder.
Rangers in the Bridger-Teton National Forest in Wyoming say dog poop is piling up on paths where people go hiking and cross-country skiing with their dogs. It’s so bad, the main path is now known as the Crappalachian Trail.
A court in Saudi Arabia has upheld a sentence of five years in jail and 1,000 lashes for a Saudi man who had bragged about his sexual escapades on television. This explains why Saudi Arabia has no national basketball team.
Scott Brown, the newly-elected Republican senator from Massachusetts, says he’s writing a book that will combine memoir and inspiration. Since his previous claim to fame is posing nude in Cosmo, he should call it “Clothing Rogue.”
Honda has added 437,000 vehicles to its 15-month-old global recall for faulty air bags. This is the worst year for Japanese carmakers since the year the United Nations banned the use of 10-W-30 whale oil.
Rachel Uchitel, one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses, has reportedly been offered a job on the entertainment TV show “Extra” as a special correspondent. She has plenty of experience since doing extras and specials is what got her the job with Tiger.
Jeff Probst signed a deal to stay with “Survivor” next season for the 21st and 22nd installments. CBS would like to replace him with someone cheaper but their hands are tied since he has an immunity necklace.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
List of “Top Ten Feet Before Hitting The Floor.”
Rev. Ricky Kirton, the pastor who married Tiger and Elin Woods, says he “started to pray” for the couple after Tiger’s car accident. But when the number of Tiger’s affairs kept growing, he gave up praying and called the pope to see if he could borrow a really large confessional.
Rumors are flying about Donald Trump’s third marriage after he’s been spotted alone the past few weekends in Palm beach. Not to mention all the times he’s been seen in stores walking up to Valentine’s Day displays and telling Cupid “You’re fired!”
Drew Brees visited Disney World this week as a reward for winning the Super Bowl XLIV MVP award. Out of habit, he helped the Pirates of the Caribbean come from behind to defeat the East India Trading Company.
The snowy weather in Washington D.C. shut down the U.S. House for the rest of the week, but lobbyists stayed open. The temperature doesn’t bother them since they’re used to working with cold hard cash.
South Carolina's state government passed a “Subversive Activities Registration Act” requiring members of subversive organizations to register with the Secretary of State. Wouldn’t it be easier just to collect the nametags after the next Tea Party meeting?
"The Jay Leno Show" aired its final episode on Tuesday night. NBC decided to let it die quietly, kind of like all of the previous episodes.
The half-mile-high Burj Khalifa in Dubai, the world’s tallest building, was shut down after an elevator got stuck between floors, trapping the people in it and those on the 124th floor observation deck for 45 minutes. On the upside, four couples who were stuck are now members of the half-mile-high club.
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will carry the Olympic torch as part of the opening ceremony at the Vancouver Games. Does Arnold holding a flame make him Conan the Bar-B-Q-barian?
The producer of the British version of “I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here” was convicted of animal cruelty after two reality show contestants skinned, cooked and ate a rat during filming in Australia. They would have gotten away with it if they had only remembered to say, “Let’s throw another rat on the bar-bee, mate.”
The British government has asked designers to come up with a replacement for the old-fashioned drafty open-backed hospital gowns. Doctors and nurses there began demanding it after Prince Charles brought Camilla in for a checkup.
Rap star Lil Wayne, who was convicted of attempted gun possession, got a temporary reprieve from going to jail so he could have some dental work done. He wants to have his grill replaced with one that can file through bars.
Biff Henderson, the stage manager for the “Late Show with David Letterman,” was treated at a New York hospital for a knee injury after he fell off the stage catching a ball Letterman tossed him. Henderson was released and went to work on the list of “Top Ten Feet Before Hitting The Floor.”
Rumors are flying about Donald Trump’s third marriage after he’s been spotted alone the past few weekends in Palm beach. Not to mention all the times he’s been seen in stores walking up to Valentine’s Day displays and telling Cupid “You’re fired!”
Drew Brees visited Disney World this week as a reward for winning the Super Bowl XLIV MVP award. Out of habit, he helped the Pirates of the Caribbean come from behind to defeat the East India Trading Company.
The snowy weather in Washington D.C. shut down the U.S. House for the rest of the week, but lobbyists stayed open. The temperature doesn’t bother them since they’re used to working with cold hard cash.
South Carolina's state government passed a “Subversive Activities Registration Act” requiring members of subversive organizations to register with the Secretary of State. Wouldn’t it be easier just to collect the nametags after the next Tea Party meeting?
"The Jay Leno Show" aired its final episode on Tuesday night. NBC decided to let it die quietly, kind of like all of the previous episodes.
The half-mile-high Burj Khalifa in Dubai, the world’s tallest building, was shut down after an elevator got stuck between floors, trapping the people in it and those on the 124th floor observation deck for 45 minutes. On the upside, four couples who were stuck are now members of the half-mile-high club.
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will carry the Olympic torch as part of the opening ceremony at the Vancouver Games. Does Arnold holding a flame make him Conan the Bar-B-Q-barian?
The producer of the British version of “I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here” was convicted of animal cruelty after two reality show contestants skinned, cooked and ate a rat during filming in Australia. They would have gotten away with it if they had only remembered to say, “Let’s throw another rat on the bar-bee, mate.”
The British government has asked designers to come up with a replacement for the old-fashioned drafty open-backed hospital gowns. Doctors and nurses there began demanding it after Prince Charles brought Camilla in for a checkup.
Rap star Lil Wayne, who was convicted of attempted gun possession, got a temporary reprieve from going to jail so he could have some dental work done. He wants to have his grill replaced with one that can file through bars.
Biff Henderson, the stage manager for the “Late Show with David Letterman,” was treated at a New York hospital for a knee injury after he fell off the stage catching a ball Letterman tossed him. Henderson was released and went to work on the list of “Top Ten Feet Before Hitting The Floor.”
Monday, February 8, 2010
XLVI is also Wynonna’s T-shirt size
In elections over the weekend, Costa Ricans elected their first woman president. When asked for their reaction, most Americans said either “Is she hot? “ or “Costa Rica? Is that a Hispanic wholesale club?”
The Super Bowl was watched by more than 106 million people, surpassing the 1983 finale of "M-A-S-H" to become the most-watched program in television history. Coincidentally, did anyone else notice that Pete Townsend and Corporal Klinger have the same nose?
All of the clothes made in case the Colts won the Super Bowl will go to areas in need in earthquake-damaged Haiti. Haven't these poor people suffered enough?
Toyota announced a recall of about 300,000 Prius hybrids worldwide because of a brake problem. Turns out they tried to keep the braking problem a secret but somebody squealed.
Scandal-plagued beauty queen Carrie Prejean is engaged to St. Louis Rams quarterback Kyle Boller. He may change his mind when she tells him why he can’t put his hands by the center’s crotch anymore.
Turns out Sarah Palin had crib notes written on her hand while she was criticizing President Obama for using a teleprompter. I can’t wait until her next press conference when a reporter asks her: “Hey Sarah? How’s that checkie palmy thing goin’ for ya?”
Authorities in the Philippines say at least six people have been killed in the past decade for singing “My Way” in a karaoke bar. That includes one poor guy whose last words were “Highway! I was going to sing “Highway to Hell!”
Country music singer Wynonna Judd announced she’s getting back together with her mom, Naomi, for a reunion tour by The Judds. They’re hoping to do the halftime show for next year’s Super Bowl XLVI since XLVI is also Wynonna’s T-shirt size.
Kristin Davis, the so-called “Manhattan Madam” who helped bring down Elliot Spitzer, says she plans to run as a Libertarian in the race for governor of New York. She hasn’t picked a slogan yet but it’s a good bet it will include the words “all the way.”
Scientists in Italy have bred a strain of chocolate-craving mice that love chocolate so much, they will tolerate electric shocks to pursue it. They’re called females.
The Super Bowl was watched by more than 106 million people, surpassing the 1983 finale of "M-A-S-H" to become the most-watched program in television history. Coincidentally, did anyone else notice that Pete Townsend and Corporal Klinger have the same nose?
All of the clothes made in case the Colts won the Super Bowl will go to areas in need in earthquake-damaged Haiti. Haven't these poor people suffered enough?
Toyota announced a recall of about 300,000 Prius hybrids worldwide because of a brake problem. Turns out they tried to keep the braking problem a secret but somebody squealed.
Scandal-plagued beauty queen Carrie Prejean is engaged to St. Louis Rams quarterback Kyle Boller. He may change his mind when she tells him why he can’t put his hands by the center’s crotch anymore.
Turns out Sarah Palin had crib notes written on her hand while she was criticizing President Obama for using a teleprompter. I can’t wait until her next press conference when a reporter asks her: “Hey Sarah? How’s that checkie palmy thing goin’ for ya?”
Authorities in the Philippines say at least six people have been killed in the past decade for singing “My Way” in a karaoke bar. That includes one poor guy whose last words were “Highway! I was going to sing “Highway to Hell!”
Country music singer Wynonna Judd announced she’s getting back together with her mom, Naomi, for a reunion tour by The Judds. They’re hoping to do the halftime show for next year’s Super Bowl XLVI since XLVI is also Wynonna’s T-shirt size.
Kristin Davis, the so-called “Manhattan Madam” who helped bring down Elliot Spitzer, says she plans to run as a Libertarian in the race for governor of New York. She hasn’t picked a slogan yet but it’s a good bet it will include the words “all the way.”
Scientists in Italy have bred a strain of chocolate-craving mice that love chocolate so much, they will tolerate electric shocks to pursue it. They’re called females.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
The guy wearing a cardboard box in front of H&R Block
A block of ice fell from an airplane landing in Las Vegas and tore a hole in the roof of a nearby garage. If you ask me, ABC is going overboard with its promotions to get people to watch the last season of “Lost.”
City officials in Bristol, Connecticut, banned the Liberty Tax Service from having people stand outside their offices wearing Statue of Liberty costumes. Ironically, they missed the guy wearing a cardboard box in front of H&R Block.
A gun shop owner in Italy is accused of murdering a man, cutting off his head and burning it in a pizza oven. The pizza maker who found it said in olive his life he never sausage a sight and didn’t feel too gouda ‘bout it.
According to a new study, scientists have found a way to allow people in a vegetative state to communicate by having them visualize things and then measuring their brain activity. This could add 20 years to Keith Richards’ career.
A Washington state man has filed an initiative to change the state seal from the image of George Washington to a picture of “a tapeworm dressed in a three-pieced suit attached to the taxpayer's rectum.” Here’s a guy who obviously listens to too much rap music.
Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak says he has a Toyota Prius with an acceleration problem and thinks it’s caused by the vehicle's software. Have you seen the Woz lately? He should be glad any car he’s sitting in can accelerate at all.
After being caught using the word “retard,” White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel committed to signing an online pledge to make the word obsolete. Now someone needs to catch him using the word “whatever.”
In a interview where he was asked about feminism, Rush Limbaugh said, “I love the women's movement especially when I'm walking behind it.” According to the latest ratings, he lost both of the women who still listen to him.
Comcast announced it will change the name of its cable TV, Internet and phone services to XFinity. Now XFinity needs to improve its Xservice or it’s going to have a lot more Xcustomers.
Mildred's Temple Kitchen, a restaurant in Toronto, Canada, is inviting customers to have sex in its bathrooms on Valentine’s Day. Sounds like the perfect plan to get guys in and out of the restrooms a lot faster.
City officials in Bristol, Connecticut, banned the Liberty Tax Service from having people stand outside their offices wearing Statue of Liberty costumes. Ironically, they missed the guy wearing a cardboard box in front of H&R Block.
A gun shop owner in Italy is accused of murdering a man, cutting off his head and burning it in a pizza oven. The pizza maker who found it said in olive his life he never sausage a sight and didn’t feel too gouda ‘bout it.
According to a new study, scientists have found a way to allow people in a vegetative state to communicate by having them visualize things and then measuring their brain activity. This could add 20 years to Keith Richards’ career.
A Washington state man has filed an initiative to change the state seal from the image of George Washington to a picture of “a tapeworm dressed in a three-pieced suit attached to the taxpayer's rectum.” Here’s a guy who obviously listens to too much rap music.
Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak says he has a Toyota Prius with an acceleration problem and thinks it’s caused by the vehicle's software. Have you seen the Woz lately? He should be glad any car he’s sitting in can accelerate at all.
After being caught using the word “retard,” White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel committed to signing an online pledge to make the word obsolete. Now someone needs to catch him using the word “whatever.”
In a interview where he was asked about feminism, Rush Limbaugh said, “I love the women's movement especially when I'm walking behind it.” According to the latest ratings, he lost both of the women who still listen to him.
Comcast announced it will change the name of its cable TV, Internet and phone services to XFinity. Now XFinity needs to improve its Xservice or it’s going to have a lot more Xcustomers.
Mildred's Temple Kitchen, a restaurant in Toronto, Canada, is inviting customers to have sex in its bathrooms on Valentine’s Day. Sounds like the perfect plan to get guys in and out of the restrooms a lot faster.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Fear of bad breath
The bodies of Rambo and JJ, two dead giraffes previously owned by Michael Jackson and buried on the Banjoko Wildlife Preserve in Arizona, had to be dug up and relocated because of complaints about the odor. Members of the Jackson family had been asked to deal with the giraffes, but none would stick their necks out.
A group of 25 white people living on a Mohawk reservation near Montreal have been given 10 days to move out. The problem started in a reservation sports bar during a game between the Expos and the Braves.
For security reasons, the NFL is telling Super Bowl attendees to minimize the number and size of all items carried into the stadium on Sunday. Some desperate fans are offering a free ticket to any woman willing to sit next to them wearing a size DDD flask bra.
Scientists at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine say they might have discovered a new way to trick the body into burning more fat. It involves an idea Einstein himself worked on using diet gelatin that he called the Theory of Jellotivity.
Wal-Mart announced it will lay off 300 people at its headquarters in Arkansas. They were notified by a figure wearing a long robe and a hood covering his yellow head known around Wal-Mart as the Grim Smiley Face.
Three top executives at Cadbury resigned after the candy maker's shareholders approved a takeover by Kraft Foods. The bitter employees were escorted off the premises after pummeling the building with Cadbury eggs.
President Barack Obama met with Senate Democrats and told them that in spite of the loss of one seat, “We still have to lead.” It was a bad sign when they all sat there waiting for him to tell them it was OK to go.
A 19-year-old New Zealand student auctioned her virginity online for $32,000 to raise money for her college tuition. Not surprisingly, she plans to study horticulture.
Iran announced it launched a rocket into space carrying a mouse, two turtles and worms. So it looks like the CIA was successful in its secret project to replace Iran’s astronaut training films with a copy of “The Cat From Outer Space.”
According to a new study, fish oil pills may be able to prevent psychosis. It won’t help if your psychosis is halitophobia, or the fear of bad breath.
A group of 25 white people living on a Mohawk reservation near Montreal have been given 10 days to move out. The problem started in a reservation sports bar during a game between the Expos and the Braves.
For security reasons, the NFL is telling Super Bowl attendees to minimize the number and size of all items carried into the stadium on Sunday. Some desperate fans are offering a free ticket to any woman willing to sit next to them wearing a size DDD flask bra.
Scientists at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine say they might have discovered a new way to trick the body into burning more fat. It involves an idea Einstein himself worked on using diet gelatin that he called the Theory of Jellotivity.
Wal-Mart announced it will lay off 300 people at its headquarters in Arkansas. They were notified by a figure wearing a long robe and a hood covering his yellow head known around Wal-Mart as the Grim Smiley Face.
Three top executives at Cadbury resigned after the candy maker's shareholders approved a takeover by Kraft Foods. The bitter employees were escorted off the premises after pummeling the building with Cadbury eggs.
President Barack Obama met with Senate Democrats and told them that in spite of the loss of one seat, “We still have to lead.” It was a bad sign when they all sat there waiting for him to tell them it was OK to go.
A 19-year-old New Zealand student auctioned her virginity online for $32,000 to raise money for her college tuition. Not surprisingly, she plans to study horticulture.
Iran announced it launched a rocket into space carrying a mouse, two turtles and worms. So it looks like the CIA was successful in its secret project to replace Iran’s astronaut training films with a copy of “The Cat From Outer Space.”
According to a new study, fish oil pills may be able to prevent psychosis. It won’t help if your psychosis is halitophobia, or the fear of bad breath.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Changed his name from Blitzen to Shufflin
A British plastic surgeons group reports that the number of male breast reductions rose by 80 percent from 2008 to 2009. In a related story, 4-out-of-5 British plastic surgeons recommends soy milk for their male patients who drink milk.
President Obama’s new $3.83 trillion spending increases the deficit to a record-breaking $1.56 trillion. A disappointed Malia and Sasha Obama realized they should have asked their dad for an allowance increase a week ago.
President spent 40 minutes answering video and written questions from YouTube users. The main thing the president got from talking to YouTube users is that he should have done the State of the Union address while holding a kitten.
A traffic reporter in a small plane had to make an emergency landing on the New Jersey Turnpike. Some things never change. He walked over to a hill to get better reception on his cell phone and by the time he got back, the plane’s tires and radio were gone.
Sarah Palin gave her endorsement to Rand Paul, son of Representative Ron Paul, who is running for a U.S. Senate seat in Kentucky. Sarah doesn’t know anything about Rand’s political views but she’s partial to people with unusual first names.
A priest in Poland installed an electronic reader in his church for schoolchildren to leave their fingerprints in order to monitor their attendance at mass. Kids who don’t like it were told, “Let he who is without sin cast the first thumb.”
According to a new report, Sarah Palin's PAC spent $47,777 on copies of "Going Rogue" during the last 6 months of 2009. It would have spent more but Sarah dropped Levi Johnston’s family from her Christmas gift list.
Steven Tyler's lawyer has sent a letter to Aerosmith warning the rest of the band’s member not to replace Tyler while he is in rehab. This was in response to an ad the band members posted on Craigslist for a “heavily tattooed hog caller.”
Madonna is such a fan of coconut water that she’s invested nearly $1.5 million in Vita Coca, a company that makes the drink. Watch for the stock to go up when she goes on tour wearing a coconut bra.
A doctor in Ohio gave a three-legged reindeer a new lease on life by fitting it with a prosthetic limb. He’s still learning to use it so the reindeer temporarily changed his name from Blitzen to Shufflin.
President Obama’s new $3.83 trillion spending increases the deficit to a record-breaking $1.56 trillion. A disappointed Malia and Sasha Obama realized they should have asked their dad for an allowance increase a week ago.
President spent 40 minutes answering video and written questions from YouTube users. The main thing the president got from talking to YouTube users is that he should have done the State of the Union address while holding a kitten.
A traffic reporter in a small plane had to make an emergency landing on the New Jersey Turnpike. Some things never change. He walked over to a hill to get better reception on his cell phone and by the time he got back, the plane’s tires and radio were gone.
Sarah Palin gave her endorsement to Rand Paul, son of Representative Ron Paul, who is running for a U.S. Senate seat in Kentucky. Sarah doesn’t know anything about Rand’s political views but she’s partial to people with unusual first names.
A priest in Poland installed an electronic reader in his church for schoolchildren to leave their fingerprints in order to monitor their attendance at mass. Kids who don’t like it were told, “Let he who is without sin cast the first thumb.”
According to a new report, Sarah Palin's PAC spent $47,777 on copies of "Going Rogue" during the last 6 months of 2009. It would have spent more but Sarah dropped Levi Johnston’s family from her Christmas gift list.
Steven Tyler's lawyer has sent a letter to Aerosmith warning the rest of the band’s member not to replace Tyler while he is in rehab. This was in response to an ad the band members posted on Craigslist for a “heavily tattooed hog caller.”
Madonna is such a fan of coconut water that she’s invested nearly $1.5 million in Vita Coca, a company that makes the drink. Watch for the stock to go up when she goes on tour wearing a coconut bra.
A doctor in Ohio gave a three-legged reindeer a new lease on life by fitting it with a prosthetic limb. He’s still learning to use it so the reindeer temporarily changed his name from Blitzen to Shufflin.
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