Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Second-and-a-Half Step

Sarah Palin’s senior adviser and spokeswoman, Meghan Stapleton, says she’s resigning to spend more time with her 2-year-old daughter. Working for Palin was the perfect training for her new job.

A British web site is marketing glow-in-the-dark toilet paper for campers who get the urge in the middle of the night. Sounds like something invented by a bear who couldn’t afford night-vision goggles.

A survey found that 65 percent of dentists reported that economic stress has caused an increase in patients’ jaw clenching and teeth grinding. The other 35 percent said their patients asked them to pull their teeth so they could leave them under their pillows.

Bollywood filmmaker Ram Gopal Varma is offering $10,000 to anyone who can watch his latest supernatural thriller alone in a theater without getting scared. The movie watcher will be hooked up to a heart monitor, kind of like when Dick Cheney watches President Obama’s press conferences.

A woman in Atlantic City who was shot while entering a bar credits her love handles with saving her life by keeping the bullet from hitting any vital organs. In a related story, Kirstie Alley has fired her bodyguards.

Dick Cheney is home after surviving his fifth heart attack. He’s feeling so good, he spent most of the day on the phone trash-talking with the Energizer Bunny.

Gail Huff, wife of Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown, revealed that on their first date he wore $750 pink leather shorts. Coupled with his vote on the jobs bill, his party now suspects he’s a RHINO – Republican and Heterosexual In Name Only.

An international arrest warrant has been issued for Angie Sanselmente Valencia, a lingerie model who is believed to be the leader of the one of the world's largest cocaine smuggling rings. You may have seen her on the cover of the swimsuit edition of Snorts Illustrated.

A Japanese company is selling the “Age Prediction Machine,” a pocket-sized gadget that allegedly can determine the age of your date. It’s not completely accurate, but it beats waiting to see if she reaches for the wine list or the crayons and kids menu.

NASA’s Cassini spacecraft has captured photos of Saturn's moon Enceladus that look like it is spitting something from its surface. Scientists are trying to determine if it’s caused by geysers or a really foul asteroid.

Charlie Sheen has checked himself into rehab to deal with his cocaine and alcohol use. He’s tried a recovery program before but has never been able to get past the Second-and-a-Half Step.

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