Monday, December 13, 2010

Dead Critter Country

Wal-Mart announced the closing of its Moscow office. They found out that even vodka doesn’t make cheap stuff look good.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren has a new boyfriend and is already talking about having his kids. So it looks like Tiger isn’t the only one who celebrates a victory by getting a new club for his bag.

The NFL is reviewing the sideline incident in which Miami Dolphins cornerback Nolan Carroll was tripped by New York Jets' strength and conditioning coach Sal Alosi while covering a punt. Possible punishments include a fine, suspension or being forced to play a game for the Carolina Panthers.

Beginning next year, Ukraine plans to open up the sealed zone around the Chernobyl reactor to tourists. Exhibits at this fun-for-the-whole-family park will include Fantasy-Explanation-Land, No-Tomorrow-Land and Dead Critter Country.

The Las Vegas Strippermobile is back with Santa and his bikini-wearing helpers delivering toys to a local charity. Talk about confusing. Kids who were on the “nice” list had to give their toys back as soon as they looked at the strippers.

The doctor for “Dancing with the Stars” winner Jennifer Grey says the back surgery for her ruptured disc was a complete success. Unfortunately, the doctor for third-place finisher Bristol Palin says he was unable to fix her ruptured virginity.

Miami tax officials ruled that O.J. Simpson is still entitled to a tax exemption on his Florida home while he’s in jail in Nevada. With the deduction, O.J.’s 2010 tax bill is down to a carton of cigarettes and two jugs of rotten-apple wine.

Colleges around the country are offering things like laser tag, petting zoos, karaoke parties and miniature golf to help students deal with pre-exam stress. This is really disappointing for football players who thought those were courses.

A federal judge has ruled that President Obama's health care law is unconstitutional because the government cannot require Americans to purchase insurance. In a rare show of support, future Speaker of the House John Boehner offered the president the use of his crying towel.

In an interview on 60 Minutes, incoming Republican Speaker John Boehner said that he rejects the word “compromise.” He also rejects the words “sunblock,” “nicotine patch” and “crybaby.”