Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Slumdog Messiah

President Obama has embarrassed his older daughter Malia by revealing that she wears braces on her teeth. Her dad is now begging her to wait until after the election to reveal to the public that he wars braces on his ears.

Houtong, a rundown former coal mining town in Taiwan, has become a tourist attraction because its stray cat population outnumbers its human population two-to-one. A local barber shop is offering a feline-inspired haircut called the cat-man-doo.

Nik Wallenda, of the famous Flying Wallendas, claims he set a new world record by cycling across a 260-foot high tightrope without a safety net. That’s the highest anyone has been on a bike since the Tour de France banned amphetamines.

A London fashion company has unveiled a little black dress that doubles as a functioning cell phone. The makers are hoping to publicize it on a new cable show called “Sex and the SIM Card.”

A New Hampshire high school student is suing his shop class teacher for not warning him of the dangers of attaching electrical clamps to his nipples and shocking himself. His only hope for winning the case is to get a jury of people with sawed-off fingers.

Filmmakers from India are in the Holy Land to shoot the first Bollywood movie on the early life of Jesus. The working title is “Slumdog Messiah” but they’re also considering “Eat Pray Repeat.”

In Arkansas, police arrested six people at a baptism party after shots were fired and a number of people were assaulted. That’s what happens when you put weird Uncle Harold in charge of the holy water fountain.

Bog snorkeling officials in Wales say Dan Morgan may have knocked 8 seconds off the world record for paddling 60 yards of a muddy, water-filled peat trench using flippers only. Michael Phelps was scheduled to compete until he found out it wasn’t bong snorkeling.

Organizers of the 22nd World Kosher Barbecue Championship held at a Memphis synagogue said 42 groups competed in this year's event. It’s so kosher, the only beer served is Hebrewski.

Bristol Palin says she can’t wait to compete on Dancing With The Stars. She has some dancing experience, just not vertically.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Feed-your-head cheese

A failed bank in Georgia that is a 13,000-foot replica of the White House is being sold by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation. The design was inspired by the real White House except for the drive-through deposit window, which was inspired by White House lobbyists.

The Washington Shakespeare Company in Arlington, Virginia, performs selections from Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” and “Much Ado About Nothing” in Klingon. For true Shakespeare fans who don’t want their friends to know they’re also Trekkies, the theater has a special section with a cloaking device.

Indonesia's volcanic Mount Sinabung, which has been dormant for four centuries, erupted for a second day in a row this week. According to Pat Robertson, this is God’s way of punishing Indonesia for sending us Barack Obama.

A toilet reportedly used by former Beatle John Lennon sold for $18,341 at a Beatles convention in Liverpool. John allegedly blocked the commode while composing an early version of “Eight Days A Week” called “Eight Days Of Wheat.”

Police in Massachusetts arrested a man who received a hollowed-out bologna in the mail that contained $100,000 worth of cocaine. He was also expecting a shipment of LSD in a loaf of feed-your-head cheese.

The owner of a Winn-Dixie grocery in Florida says a store display of a cake decorated with a Confederate flag was in poor judgment. He didn’t do much better when he tried to make it up to his black customers by serving an I Have A Cream cake.

Elijah Williams, a Christian judge in Florida named for an Old Testament prophet, is being forced to respond to anonymous bloggers claiming Elijah is a Muslim name. Wait until they find out that “Ground Zero” was named after an Arabic numeral.

Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele is traveling to Guam in September to help raise money for the island's top Republican candidates. If you think Steele can’t sing any lower, half of the candidates are running for student council.

Mort Walker’s Beetle Bailey comic strip turns 60 this week. Walker’s longevity was an inspiration to many young cartoonists and Beetle’s ability to go so long without seeing combat was an inspiration to young George W. Bush.

Raytheon won a $450 million contract to supply our military with small bombs. Only in America does it cost $450 million to do the same thing a guy in Iraq can do with a used remote control and $5 bag of fertilizer.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

She's drop-dead gorgeous

An 18-year-old competitor in the Miss Norfolk beauty pageant in England is in school to become an undertaker. So she’s telling the truth when she says she’s “drop-dead gorgeous.”

The lineup for the next season of “'Dancing with the Stars” includes Florence Henderson, Brandy, Kirstie Alley and David Hasselhoff. That’s a Brady, a Brandy, a heavy and a Hoffy.

Researchers at Stanford University have created a new textile inspired by the feet of geckos that could someday allow humans to climb walls and ceilings like Spiderman. As with most other new inventions, the first industry this is expected to revolutionize is porn.

The Japan Sumo Association is giving its sumo wrestlers iPads because their fingers are too fat to use cell phones. That’s the same reason sumo wrestlers use Ziploc bags instead of condoms.

The results of the Alaska Senate race between race between incumbent Lisa Murkowski and Sarah Palin-backed candidate Joe Miller won’t be known until mail-in votes are counted. So it looks like the race will be decided by absentee ballots and an absentee governor.

NFL owners meeting in Atlanta say they support increasing the regular season from 16 to 18 games. They were hoping to do it this season but Brett Favre already has a date picked for his next retirement party.

Bristol Palin will be a contestant on “'Dancing with the Stars.” Mama Sarah tried to talk out of it after hearing that Tom DeLay already used the “I’m quitting for the good of country” option.

After years of making life miserable for gays and lesbians, former Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlman has decided to come out of the closet. A lot of Republicans got suspicious when he slipped up and said his favorite network was La Cages aux Fox.

A shark sighting off the coast of Somerset, Massachusetts, turned out to be a piece of Styrofoam cut into a fin shape, wrapped in gray duct tape and weighted down. No one was more disappointed than the owner of a local Chinese restaurant who had to change his menu to Styrofoam fin soup.

While out campaigning for mayor, Levi Johnston stopped at a Wasilla gun shop and checked out a $2,000 hunting rifle. And to show voters he’s learned his lesson, he didn’t test-fire it until first loading it with blanks.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A couple from bulls asking for the cow’s number

In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she never hit Tiger Woods with a golf club and had no idea he was cheating on her. She should use some of the money from the divorce settlement on an eye exam.

In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she hasn’t watched a minute of golf since finding out about Tiger Woods cheating on her. So despite being beautiful, rich and famous, she’s just like the rest of us.

Heidi Montag now says she wants her old D-cup implants back because her G-cups make it impossible to hug her four dogs. At that size, she probably has a hard time wrapping her arms around her two puppies too.

A man in China claims he let the nails on his left hand for 13 years to a length of 14 inches in order to help him control his temper and stay out of fights. Mel Gibson thought about doing that but decided having a violent temper is a small price to pay for being able to pick your nose.

A 35-year-old man in Germany who walked around for five years with a bullet lodged in the back of his head says he thought the headaches were from getting hit with fireworks at a New Year’s Eve party. He should have been a little suspicious when his friends started singing, “Should ammunition be forgot and never brought to mind …”

A woman on probation in Pennsylvania who failed a blood-alcohol test blamed it on gin-soaked raisins, an old folk remedy for arthritis. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been complaining about a sore elbow.

An elderly couple in Florida decided to practice what they would do if someone broke into their house and during the drill the 72-year-old woman shot her husband. She claimed it was an accident but he thinks it’s because she imagined the intruder was George Clooney.

For the second time in a month, a 3-foot-long alligator was captured swimming in the river in downtown Chicago. Animal experts say the gators would not have survived Chicago’s harsh winter nor Chicagoans with sauerkraut and 3-foot-long buns.

Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay wants his money laundering trial moved out of Austin because he says the city is too liberal to give him a fair trial. If he can’t get a change of venue, he wants the judge replaced with fan voting like he got on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Alan Simpson, co-chair of President Obama's deficit commission, is in hot water for referring to Social Security as “a milk cow with 310 million tits.” He got thousands of angry emails calling for his resignation and a couple from bulls asking for the cow’s number.

Zaytuna College opened this week in Berkeley, California, making it the first accredited, four-year Muslim liberal arts college in the U.S. Locals are protesting because Zaytuna administrators want to build a mosque two blocks from the most sacred ground on a college campus: the football field.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Streisand of Liberty

Jimena Navarrete of Guadalajara, Mexico, is the new Miss Universe, finishing ahead of Miss Jamaica and Miss Australia. Miss USA finished last in the congeniality competition when she followed orders from the White House and completely ignored Miss Iraq.

A German skydiver sat in a rubber boat and solved a Rubik's Cube after jumping out of a plane at 14,000 feet. He’s in training in case Germany ever invades Candyland.

A New Orleans woman was jailed for ten days after she went to court in low-riding shorts which revealed her underwear. She offered to put on a second pair but the judge ruled that two thongs don’t make it right.

In China, the world’s longest traffic jam stretched 60 miles from Beijing to Inner Mongolia and moved at only 2 miles a day. The world’s second-longest traffic jam was going in the opposite direction caused by rubber-neckers.

A Go Topless Day demonstration in San Francisco consisted of 8 topless women and 14 men wearing bikinis, nipple tape or other breast coverings to promote topless equality. The men left when the women suggested they tie bricks to their chests and complain about backaches.

A survey of sex toy sellers in New York found that sales are up despite the tough economy. Unfortunately, many guys are disappointed to find out the unemployment office doesn’t recognize inflatable wives as dependents.

A New York auction house is selling a 2-foot chunk of copper designed to create part of the State of Liberty's nose during the 1980s restoration. It wasn’t used after a test showed it made her look like the Streisand of Liberty.

According to a recent survey, the American city with the most tattoo shops per 100,000 people is Miami Beach, Florida. Not surprisingly, the most popular tattoo there reads: “If found, please return to the nearest retirement community.”

Woody Allen says he switched to shooting movies in European cities because he can’t afford to shoot in New York anymore. It’s so expensive, if he had to shoot it today, one of his most popular movies would be called Hannah and her Imaginary Sisters.

Tiger and Elin Woods’ divorce hearing in a Florida courtroom took ten minutes. Nine of those minutes were devoted to Tiger’s one last attempt to get full custody of Elin’s cute nanny.

Toyota is offering Japanese drivers an optional electronic humming device on the Prius so pedestrians can hear the hybrid car coming. It also comes with a large swatter-shaped hood ornament to scare off lovesick bees.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Connecting her age spots

After losing an arm-wrestling match, a South Florida man pulled out a rifle and pressed the barrel against the forehead of the man who beat him. He’s been kicked out of the NRA for violating rule number 7: If you’re already armed, there’s no need to arm-wrestle.

A new interactive web site called Suessville.com has been unveiled to introduce kids to the books of Dr. Suess. If Dr. Suess were alive to see this, his next book would be “Get Away From The Computer And Hop On Pop Until He Reads You A Book Out Loud.”

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich attended a Chicago-area comic book convention and signed autographs for $50 each. He didn’t give any refunds to disappointed kids who thought he was Jughead from the Archie comics.

A 101-year-old woman got her third tattoo in two years, a sunflower on her arm. The tattoo artist came up with the design after connecting her age spots.

A pig wrestling competition at a county fair in northern Montana was canceled after fair officials were unable to catch any wild boars for the event. That’s what happens when you send out pig catchers who’ve been eating too much deep-fried bacon on a stick.

Paul McCartney, Katie Couric, Christie Brinkley and Jimmy Buffett were among the guests at former President Bill Clinton's 64th birthday party in New York. One embarrassing moment occurred when none of the women at the party would help him blow out the candles.

In Southsea, England, a couple returning from their honeymoon found a 7-foot python in their upstairs bathroom. The husband was a little upset when the wife said she thought she recognized the python from her bachelorette party.

The head of the FDA says more egg recalls may be necessary to stop the recent salmonella outbreak. It’s so bad, the suicide hotline reports numerous calls from the Easter Bunny.

“The Switch,” Jennifer Aniston's new movie about artificial insemination, bombed at the box office in its opening weekend. Moviegoers were confused since “The Expendables,” “Eat, Pray, Love” and “Vampires Suck” sound more like titles of films about artificial insemination.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Served in a sack

A Pennsylvania woman who claims she was groped by Donald Duck while visiting Walt Disney World says the incident caused her to have flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, headaches, nausea, cold sweats, insomnia and digestive problems. Not to mention head injuries from jumping up instead of bending down when someone yell’s “Duck!”

A New Zealand man with a photographic memory won the 2010 National Scrabble Championship in Dallas. He’s so obsessed with Scrabble, it takes him hours to eat a bowl of alphabet soup.

Guinness World Records officials say a group of 10,267 people in China broke a 10-year-old record for the world's longest chain of human dominoes. They were waiting in line to buy iPads when the person at the front accidentally pulled instead of pushed the door.

India wants to ban BlackBerries, Google and Skype because it believes they’re threats to security. It also doesn’t want people around the world to find out they can solve their own technical problems by using Blackberries, Google and Skype.

Mike Pompeo, a Republican congressional candidate and RNC committee member, apologized for a tweet that called his opponent a "turban topper" who "could be a muslim, a hindu, a buddhist etc who knows." He had no proof that his opponent was an “etc.”

The annual Testicle Cooking World Championship is being held in Ozrem, Serbia. In honor of the main ingredients, all dishes cooked at the festival are served in a sack.

Unbeknownst to their parents, three Florida children bought tickets with baby-sitting money and flew to Nashville, Tenn., on Southwest Airlines. The kids were really disappointed when they spent all that money and not a single flight attendant went postal.

President Barack Obama signed a $600 million border security bill to hire 1,500 new Border patrol agents and other security officers. That’s $400,000 per agent, so apparently they’ll be armed with nuclear rifles.

New Jersey’s 86-year-old Senator Frank Lautenberg is planning to hold a fundraiser at the Lady Gaga concert. The Democrat hasn’t seen a young woman sing while swinging from the ceiling since his Republican colleagues stopped inviting him to their poker parties.

Doctors in Boston discovered that a spot on a 75-year-old man’s chest X-ray turned out to be a pea sprouting in his lung. Luckily, it was removed by the resident pea-diatrician.

Thursday, August 12, 2010


Italian police were called to a public beach south of Rome after a mother complained that the way a topless sunbather applied her suntan lotion was "troubling" her teenage sons. My guess is that they were troubled because her hands were blocking their view.

Paris Hilton is being sued for $35 million for allegedly wearing hair extensions from someone other than the company that paid her $3.5 million to promote theirs. Paris offered to give back all of the free extensions she got because it looks like company executives have pulled out all of their hair.

General Motors announced it made $1.33 billion in the second quarter. Unfortunately, it all came from one plant that had been converted from Hummers to counterfeit hundreds.

Police in Maryland arrested a man who allegedly squirted semen from a bottle onto as many as five female shoppers at a grocery store. Another reason to avoid grocery store clerks offering free mayonnaise samples.

A restaurant chef in Iowa was fined $335 after health inspectors saw a video of him kissing and licking toads in the kitchen. The chef also fired the employee who told him if he kissed the right toad, it would turn into Rachael Ray.

North Korea has offered to use ginseng to repay nearly $10 million in Cold War-era debt to the Czech republic. Czech leaders weren’t interested until they found out ginseng can be made into beer.

The Roman Catholic Diocese of Madison, Wisconsin, now offers birth control coverage to employees, but employees could be fired if they use it. This is known as a Cath-22.

A suburban Pittsburgh man who dresses as a dog for conventions and parties has petitioned to change his legal name to Boomer the Dog. His wife was all for it until she found out local laws would require her to carry a scooper at all times.

In Minnesota, four police cars were needed to chase down and arrest the driver of a homemade go-cart who was on the road illegally. Even though he was only going 20 miles an hour in the little car, he didn’t have his fez on.

Police in Idaho seized about 100 marijuana plants from a corn field at a residential farm. They were tipped off by a green giant who was acting more giggly than jolly.

Ben Quayle, son of former Vice President Dan Quayle, says President Obama is “the worst president in history.” Like father, like son. He spelled “wurst” with a U so he’s actually calling Obama our country’s finest sausage lover.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


A group of European scientists has developed the world’s first emotional robot that has the emotional skills of a one-year-old child. So far, the only market for a robot that acts like a one-year-old is as a birth control device.

The UK Automobile Association reports that over 17 accidents per day in the UK are caused by “iPod Oblivion,” where drivers are distracted by what’s playing on their iPods. The most common accident occurs when a song about an American car is playing and they automatically drift over to the right side of the road.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital following surgery last month to install a battery-operated pump in his heart. For the first time in his life, Cheney is more worried about D cells than sleeper cells.

In China, a man who had the world's biggest man boobs finally had an operation to remove the football-sized breasts. Although he was happy to be rid of the breasts, he was disappointed to suddenly discover that he has big feet.

Steven Slater, the flight attendant who lost after a passenger refused to sit down and then exited the plane via the emergency inflatable slide, is getting support from other people who have been victims of rude customers. One of his first calls was from President Obama who asked him to sit next to Joe Wilson at the next State of the Union address.

Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, and the campaign and election will be turned into a reality show. Then he’ll speak at a quantum physics conference on how he managed to turn 15 minutes into 3 years.

A&E is set to broadcast a reality series that will follow actor Tony Danza as he teaches a 10th-grade English class in Philadelphia. Then it will follow 11th-grade students as they try to convince job interviewers that English really is their first language.

Michigan's gubernatorial nominees from both parties said they will both push to change the nickname of state residents from "Michiganian" to "Michigander." Both are preferred over the other popular nickname: “Unemployediacs.”

A man in England lost his drivers license for three years because of a speeding violation even though he claimed he couldn’t read the speedometer because he’s dyslexic. It would have been more believable if hadn’t been doing 55.

A new study found that American girls are beginning puberty at as early as age 7. It’s so bad, pediatricians report that some younger girls are blaming the Terrible Twos on PMS.

Monday, August 9, 2010

She was spotted at a pond kissing frogs

At the Adventure Island amusement park in England, 102 people rode the Green Scream rollercoaster naked to break the world record. A number of the women lined up for a second ride when they found out what happens when G-force meets G-spot.

Turkish Airlines has grounded 28 flight attendants for being overweight and given them six months to lose some pounds. Wouldn’t it be faster to let them stay on the job and eat nothing but airline meals?

A Michigan restaurant owner says he’s offering a world record 185.8-pound burger for $499 out of patriotism because the previous record was held by a restaurant in Thailand. Nothing says “USA!” like “CPR!”

A vendor at Toronto's 16th annual Festival of Beer was selling a hemp beer called Millennium Beer Buzz. They also sold Depends for drinkers too stoned to get up and go to the rest rooms.

The New Orleans Saints visited President Obama at the White House to mark their Super Bowl XLIV victory. In honor of both last season and this season, the New Orleans players gave him a game ball and a tar ball.

A woman in North Carolina filed a lawsuit accusing “American Idol” Fantasia of breaking up a marriage and making a sex tape with the husband. The woman didn’t say what was on the tape but rumor has it Fantasia was singing “Hummertime … and the living is easy.”

A former model on the "Price is Right" filed a lawsuit accusing host Bob Barker of running her out of a job after she became pregnant. She should have known that Barker was serious when he lectured her about spaying and neutering.

A financial adviser told Britain's royal family that Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson may have to file for bankruptcy because she’s $7.9 million in debt. Ferguson is so desperate, she was spotted at a pond kissing frogs.

Rod Stewart announced he’s becoming a father again for the seventh time at age 65. Rod’s biggest mistake was when Maggie May convinced he needed to start dating much younger women instead of much older women.

A group of Hong Kong filmmakers have started shooting what they claim will be the world's first 3D pornographic film, titled “3-D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy.” It’s not really Zen because, in porn, everyone knows the sound of one hand clapping.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Transferred to Our Lady of Guantanamo

Elena Kagan is relieved to finally become a Supreme Court justice. Today someone asked her what she thought of the weather and, for the first time in months, she was allowed to have an opinion.

A restaurant in China recruited a new chef by inviting applicants to slice a melon on a woman's stomach. They got the idea from a chef who worked in the Clinton White House.

The staff at an aquarium in England had to put a bikini on an underwater statue of a mermaid because male visitors were spending too much time in front of the window. Now they’re spending too much time at the next window trying to get the octopus to pull it off.

A Turkish man living in New Zealand tried to convince police that he wasn’t beating his wife but was actually performing a traditional dance that involved hitting, kicking and strangling. The wife is waiting for him to get out of jail so she can show him a new dance her feminist friends taught her called the Bristol Stomp.

Senator Al Franken apologized to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell for allegedly making faces while McConnell was speaking on the Senate floor. McConnell was upset because Franken stole the idea from the Republicans’ plan for Obama’s next State of the Union address.

Rosie O'Donnell will host a new daytime talk show on OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network. It will be similar to Rosie’s old daytime talk show but without all of those annoying viewers.

According to British Ministry of Defense documents, British fighter jets were scrambled more than 200 times each year during the Cold War to investigate UFO reports. Wouldn’t it be ironic if the UFOs the British were chasing away were actually Martian dentists on a mission of mercy?

In Pennsylvania, the operator of a Catholic church carnival that featured an image of President Barack Obama as the target of a shooting game issued an apology. That apparently wasn’t enough since the church announced he’s being transferred to Our Lady of Guantanamo.

BP COO Doug Settles says the company might someday drill again into the same pocket of oil that spilled millions of gallons into the Gulf of Mexico. An excited Sarah Palin called him up to say, “Drill, maybe, drill!”

Police in Florida are investigating a report of someone putting condoms in the gas tank of a woman's car. As expected, the condoms caused the car to run rough but the woman didn’t feel anything.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Lamb Hops

The U.S. Marshals Service admitted it has saved 35,000 TSA airport body scan images that make passengers appear nude. What’s really interesting is that you can put the photos in a certain order and flip through them and it looks exactly like a porn video starring Laurence Fishburne’s daughter.

A farmer in China has a two-month-old lamb born with only two legs that can stand up and get around the farm. What do you call a baby sheep with only two legs? Lamb Hops.

Aerosmith's Joe Perry is upset that he found out about Steven Tyler possibly becoming an "American Idol" judge on the Internet like everybody else. It’s not like the old days when Tyler the bandmates gave each other news by writing it in vomit on the bathroom floor.

A Michigan man whose dog chewed off his big toe while he was passed out drunk says the pooch saved his life because doctors in the ER discovered he was diabetic. To show his appreciation, he plans to get the dog drunk and use the same technique to neuter him.

Robert Van Winkle, better known as the rapper Vanilla Ice, will star in a new home-improvement series called “The Vanilla Ice Project.” It’s an appropriate name because his rap career tanked in the 90s and now he’s living in the projects.

Irish-born actor Liam Neeson says he’s too old to play President Abraham Lincoln in Steven Spielberg's upcoming film on Lincoln. Tom Cruise wants to replace him, but only if he can wear stilts and call the movie “Top Hat.”

BP claimed the “static kill” technique used on its blown-out well in the Gulf has plugged the leak. That’s good news for BP and better news for a fabric softener company that was planning to name its new product “Static Kill.”

Iran's official news agency says an explosion near President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's convoy was just an excited fan setting off fireworks, not an assassination attempt. It also reported that the stain on Ahmadinejad's pants was lemonade.

Two California women were charged with misdemeanors for a fight that turned into a brawl at a kindergarten graduation ceremony. It all started when the moms disagreed on which of their kids should be named nap-edictorian.

A Pennsylvania woman is in trouble for illegally accepting workers' compensation payments while working as a stripper. She thought it was OK because she only allowed guys to fill her g-string with food stamps.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I told you I felt flushed

Morrie Yohai, the inventor of Cheez Doodles, passed away at the age of 90. His last words were: “All right! St. Peter has orange fingers!”

A woman in Taiwan set a world record for killing mosquitoes by swatting four million in one month. That makes her the only woman with more bloody imprints on her hand than Sarah Palin.

HarperCollins will publish the official illustrated memoir of 16-year-old singer Justin Bieber. Publishing industry experts say it could have the largest first-printing ever for a pamphlet.

Police in New Jersey were looking for a young black bear seen wandering along a stream near the Knickerbocker Country Club golf course. They warned duffers that the bear was a golf fan and was looking to put a hole in one.

Canada's Royal College of Dentistry has hired an investigator to check reports of illegal dental clinics being run from basements and bedrooms. You know you’re in an illegal clinic when you ask for a painkiller and the dentist offers your choice of a bullet, a shot of whiskey or a left hook to the chin.

The actor who played the Ty-D-Bol man in commercials has passed away. Per his request, his tombstone will read, “I told you I felt flushed.”

Charlie Sheen pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor assault charge and was sentenced to 30 days in rehab, 3 months probation and 36 hours of domestic violence counseling. Or as Mel Gibson calls it, summer vacation.

LeBron James showed appreciation to his hometown fans with a full-page newspaper ad in the Akron Beacon Journal. Akron is the rubber capitol, which seems appropriate since fans in Cleveland now consider LeBron to be something often covered with a rubber.

"Glee" co-creator Ryan Murphy says Paul McCartney is a fan of the show and wants his music to be featured in an episode. McCartney won’t appear on the show because the evil bossy cheerleader coach reminds him too much of Heather Mill’s

Brett Favre has informed the Vikings he will not return to Minnesota for a second season. Apparently the team officials refused to honor his request to have the bench equipped with handrails.

Nevada Republican Senate candidate and Tea Party favorite Sharron Angle says she thinks the media should “ask the questions we want to answer so that they report the news the way we want it to be reported.” This woman should apologize to softballs for giving them a bad name.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Her dad’s cigar propositions

In Brazil, Unilever is putting a GPS device in boxes of Omo detergent to track shoppers. The location of customers will then be sent to Unilever employees who will show up in the middle of the night with hoses and turn their yards into mud pits.

Lindsay Lohan was released from jail after serving just 13 days of her three-month sentence. She said it was the longest thirteen days of her life … so apparently jailhouse cigarettes made from toilet paper and tea bags aren’t like the real thing.

Chelsea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky hosted a Sunday brunch for their guests the day after their wedding. This was planned ahead of time in case Chelsea had to apologize to any of her bridesmaids for her dad’s cigar propositions.

Sarah Palin says President Obama doesn't have the “cojones” to secure the U.S. borders. “Cojones” is the Spanish word for testicles, so Palin was either showing off her language skills or got lucky with a new word she made up when her hand got smeared.

A British-led team too 43 days to row across the North Atlantic, breaking a 114-year-old world record by 12 days. The toughest part was when the four-man crew got into a fight over whether to sing “Row, row, row your boat” straight or as a round.

A British auction house is selling an upright piano London's Abbey Road Studios used by The Beatles on “Paperback Writer” and “Tomorrow Never Knows.” The piano is covered with coffee stains and cigarette burns, which were apparently strategically placed there by one band member to cover up carvings that said “Ringo sucks.”

The Obama administration is using Andy Griffith to help sell seniors on Medicare provisions in the healthcare reform law. Andy will share stories on how he wished he had Medicare when Floyd the barber cut his ear or he burned his tongue on Aunt Bea’s hot apple pie.

An Ohio Red Cross chapter is offering people who give a pint of blood the chance to win a car or a horse-drawn buggy if they’re Amish. You can tell things are changing in Amish country because many of them asked if they could bring their own horse and pull the car instead.

Fox News Channel has been given a front-row seat in the White House briefing room that opened up after Helen Thomas retired. Now Fox has to find a correspondent who can actually stay awake during an Obama press conference.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is still in the hospital after heart surgery in early July. He’s waiting for visit from a specialist from Detroit who developed the Chevy Volt.

On November 8, NBC's Matt Lauer will conduct the first one-on-one TV interview with George W. Bush since Bush left the Oval Office in 2009. Bush will be promoting his new book, so announcing the interview now will give him plenty of time to read it.