A couple from bulls asking for the cow’s number

In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she never hit Tiger Woods with a golf club and had no idea he was cheating on her. She should use some of the money from the divorce settlement on an eye exam.

In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she hasn’t watched a minute of golf since finding out about Tiger Woods cheating on her. So despite being beautiful, rich and famous, she’s just like the rest of us.

Heidi Montag now says she wants her old D-cup implants back because her G-cups make it impossible to hug her four dogs. At that size, she probably has a hard time wrapping her arms around her two puppies too.

A man in China claims he let the nails on his left hand for 13 years to a length of 14 inches in order to help him control his temper and stay out of fights. Mel Gibson thought about doing that but decided having a violent temper is a small price to pay for being able to pick your nose.

A 35-year-old man in Germany who walked around for five years with a bullet lodged in the back of his head says he thought the headaches were from getting hit with fireworks at a New Year’s Eve party. He should have been a little suspicious when his friends started singing, “Should ammunition be forgot and never brought to mind …”

A woman on probation in Pennsylvania who failed a blood-alcohol test blamed it on gin-soaked raisins, an old folk remedy for arthritis. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been complaining about a sore elbow.

An elderly couple in Florida decided to practice what they would do if someone broke into their house and during the drill the 72-year-old woman shot her husband. She claimed it was an accident but he thinks it’s because she imagined the intruder was George Clooney.

For the second time in a month, a 3-foot-long alligator was captured swimming in the river in downtown Chicago. Animal experts say the gators would not have survived Chicago’s harsh winter nor Chicagoans with sauerkraut and 3-foot-long buns.

Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay wants his money laundering trial moved out of Austin because he says the city is too liberal to give him a fair trial. If he can’t get a change of venue, he wants the judge replaced with fan voting like he got on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Alan Simpson, co-chair of President Obama's deficit commission, is in hot water for referring to Social Security as “a milk cow with 310 million tits.” He got thousands of angry emails calling for his resignation and a couple from bulls asking for the cow’s number.

Zaytuna College opened this week in Berkeley, California, making it the first accredited, four-year Muslim liberal arts college in the U.S. Locals are protesting because Zaytuna administrators want to build a mosque two blocks from the most sacred ground on a college campus: the football field.