She's drop-dead gorgeous

An 18-year-old competitor in the Miss Norfolk beauty pageant in England is in school to become an undertaker. So she’s telling the truth when she says she’s “drop-dead gorgeous.”

The lineup for the next season of “'Dancing with the Stars” includes Florence Henderson, Brandy, Kirstie Alley and David Hasselhoff. That’s a Brady, a Brandy, a heavy and a Hoffy.

Researchers at Stanford University have created a new textile inspired by the feet of geckos that could someday allow humans to climb walls and ceilings like Spiderman. As with most other new inventions, the first industry this is expected to revolutionize is porn.

The Japan Sumo Association is giving its sumo wrestlers iPads because their fingers are too fat to use cell phones. That’s the same reason sumo wrestlers use Ziploc bags instead of condoms.

The results of the Alaska Senate race between race between incumbent Lisa Murkowski and Sarah Palin-backed candidate Joe Miller won’t be known until mail-in votes are counted. So it looks like the race will be decided by absentee ballots and an absentee governor.

NFL owners meeting in Atlanta say they support increasing the regular season from 16 to 18 games. They were hoping to do it this season but Brett Favre already has a date picked for his next retirement party.

Bristol Palin will be a contestant on “'Dancing with the Stars.” Mama Sarah tried to talk out of it after hearing that Tom DeLay already used the “I’m quitting for the good of country” option.

After years of making life miserable for gays and lesbians, former Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlman has decided to come out of the closet. A lot of Republicans got suspicious when he slipped up and said his favorite network was La Cages aux Fox.

A shark sighting off the coast of Somerset, Massachusetts, turned out to be a piece of Styrofoam cut into a fin shape, wrapped in gray duct tape and weighted down. No one was more disappointed than the owner of a local Chinese restaurant who had to change his menu to Styrofoam fin soup.

While out campaigning for mayor, Levi Johnston stopped at a Wasilla gun shop and checked out a $2,000 hunting rifle. And to show voters he’s learned his lesson, he didn’t test-fire it until first loading it with blanks.