Transferred to Our Lady of Guantanamo

Elena Kagan is relieved to finally become a Supreme Court justice. Today someone asked her what she thought of the weather and, for the first time in months, she was allowed to have an opinion.

A restaurant in China recruited a new chef by inviting applicants to slice a melon on a woman's stomach. They got the idea from a chef who worked in the Clinton White House.

The staff at an aquarium in England had to put a bikini on an underwater statue of a mermaid because male visitors were spending too much time in front of the window. Now they’re spending too much time at the next window trying to get the octopus to pull it off.

A Turkish man living in New Zealand tried to convince police that he wasn’t beating his wife but was actually performing a traditional dance that involved hitting, kicking and strangling. The wife is waiting for him to get out of jail so she can show him a new dance her feminist friends taught her called the Bristol Stomp.

Senator Al Franken apologized to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell for allegedly making faces while McConnell was speaking on the Senate floor. McConnell was upset because Franken stole the idea from the Republicans’ plan for Obama’s next State of the Union address.

Rosie O'Donnell will host a new daytime talk show on OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network. It will be similar to Rosie’s old daytime talk show but without all of those annoying viewers.

According to British Ministry of Defense documents, British fighter jets were scrambled more than 200 times each year during the Cold War to investigate UFO reports. Wouldn’t it be ironic if the UFOs the British were chasing away were actually Martian dentists on a mission of mercy?

In Pennsylvania, the operator of a Catholic church carnival that featured an image of President Barack Obama as the target of a shooting game issued an apology. That apparently wasn’t enough since the church announced he’s being transferred to Our Lady of Guantanamo.

BP COO Doug Settles says the company might someday drill again into the same pocket of oil that spilled millions of gallons into the Gulf of Mexico. An excited Sarah Palin called him up to say, “Drill, maybe, drill!”

Police in Florida are investigating a report of someone putting condoms in the gas tank of a woman's car. As expected, the condoms caused the car to run rough but the woman didn’t feel anything.