Hooking generators up to the legs of the Rockettes

President Bush said he sees “hopeful signs of progress” in New Orleans three years after Hurricane Katrina. That’s like telling the coach of the Washington Generals that he sees hopeful signs they’d beat the Harlem Globetrotters.

New York's Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants to put windmills on city bridges and rooftops as part of a push for renewable energy. With only 18 months left in office, he’ll have better luck hooking generators up to the legs of the Rockettes.

Jessica Simpson has signed on as spokeswoman for Stampede Light Plus, made by Dallas' Stampede Brewing Company. Leave it to Jessica Simpson to promote a product that has more in its head than she does.

Police stationed in the Tokyo subway system were unable to capture a monkey that ran loose among commuters before escaping towards a nearby park. You could tell a lot of the commuters have been watching Olympic gymnastics because they gave the monkey a 16.2 and the cops a 14.8.

Government researchers testing an epilepsy drug to treat addiction found it helped obese rats lose weight. Unfortunately, the rats were still addicted to hitting the lever for food so they stacked the uneaten pellets and escaped their cages.

The “Bigfoot” that two Georgia men claimed to have frozen in their freezer turned out to be a full-body rubber gorilla costume. A local costume store owner warned the men may next claim they have Superman in their freezer.

NASA engineers announced they will use 17 super-sized shock absorbers to stop shaking in the rocket used to take astronauts back to the moon. General Motors says NASA can have as many super-sized shock absorbers as they need if they’ll just buy all the unsold Hummers on dealer lots.

It looks like Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman, the Democratic Party's vice presidential candidate in 2000 and now a McCain supporter, will speak at the Republican National Convention. This could be the biggest shocker at a Republican convention since a black Republican showed up.

The Democratic presidential convention is expected to feature some “real people” - including an Indiana railroader, an Iowa mother and a Michigan truck driver. The Republicans tried this once but they couldn’t find any real people and didn’t have any friends in Hollywood to pretend to be some.

A judge in Auckland, New Zealand, ruled against the city's attempt to halt a parade featuring topless women on bikes. If it’s successful, the Tour de France people may add their own version next year called Tour de Cannes.

According to a new poll, John McCain leads Barack Obama among voters who attend church services weekly. And John Edwards leads both among voters who go to church to pick up chicks.

Guinness World Records says Bao Xi Shun of China has regained his title of “world's tallest man” at 7 feet, 8.95 inches after a Ukrainian man was disqualified because he wasn’t measured first-hand. Bao Xi Shun The Chinese government won’t recognize the record because Shun refuses to pick up a basketball.