Carrying A Congealed Weapon

Mitch Winehouse, the father of British soul singer Amy Winehouse, is scheduled to fill in as guest co-host on a BBC London radio show. Apparently the BBC needed a local expert to discuss the Cheech and Chong reunion tour.

Attorneys for Ohio death row inmate Richard Wade Cooey say their 275-pound client is too fat to be executed by lethal injection. The state is now checking the legality of locking him in a room with nothing but greasy burgers and fries and letting nature take its course.

Hundreds of nearly-nude bikers rode around St. Louis recently as part of the World Naked Bike Ride to protest U.S. dependence on oil. This is better known as the Tour de I-See-London-I-See-France-I-See-Bikers-With-No-Underpants.

British tights manufacturers say sales of sheer, patterned and support tights for men have increased in recent months. It’s the economy -- wearing tights gives British men the courage to rob from the rich and give to the poor.

Police in Atlantic Beach, Florida, charged a woman with domestic battery after she allegedly struck her husband with a frozen lasagna. Since she waited until the lasagna was frozen solid and brought it into the bedroom from the kitchen, she’ll also be charged with carrying a congealed weapon.

The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force now recommends against routine prostate cancer screening for men over age 75. Senior citizens who miss getting their annual prostate exam are advised to find a girlfriend who’s into S&M.

The Wildlife Conservation Society announced the discovery of 125,000 western lowland gorillas deep in the forests of the Republic of Congo. This is the largest gathering of chest-thumpers in one location since the 2004 Republican National Convention.

A South Korean company claims it’s the world's first successful commercial canine cloning service after giving an American woman five puppies that were cloned from her deceased pit bull. She knew they were clones because they all piddled on a newspaper story on Michael Vick just like their mama used to.

Police in Jacksonville, Florida, arrested a man who called 911 twice after a sandwich shop left the spicy sauce off of his Italian sub. Fittingly, he was placed in a cell that was the same size as the pants Jared Fogel used to wear.

NASA scientists say the Phoenix spacecraft has detected the presence of a chemically reactive salt in the Martian soil that on earth is a primary ingredient in solid rocket fuel, fireworks and other explosives. This means that if we ever do find life forms on Mars, they’ll probably be missing a few fingers.

Delta Air Lines announced it will offer broadband wireless Internet access on its entire domestic mainline fleet by the middle of next year. This is why the airlines are discontinuing the free pillow service -- so you don’t smother the person next to you on a five-hour flight playing World of Warcraft.