Thursday, August 21, 2008

Gay chimpanzees who like to cross-dress

The sheriff of Lake County, Illinois, is spending time in his own jail as a way to get a perspective of how locked-up criminals feel. His fellow inmates are pretty cautious. The first thing they did was show him how to carve a bar of soap into a smaller bar of soap.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Baghdad and got Iraqi leaders to agree that there should be a timetable for the withdrawal of American troops. Boy, it’s amazing what an autographed picture of Michael Phelps will get you these days.

Tropical Storm Fay hit Florida for a third time this week. This gave Pat Robertson three chances to depict Fay as God’s way of punishing Florida for gays, liberals and bikinis.

The 400-pound reputed underboss of the New England mafia, awaiting trial on bribery charges, asked a judge to release him from home confinement for two hours a day so he can exercise. This might work if his favorite exercise wasn’t lifting a barbell, tying it to another underboss and dropping both into the nearest river.

Ricky Martin says he’s taking some time off from his music career to take care of his new twin boy that were born via a surrogate mother. The first thing he should do is call Clay Aiken to get the name of a good baby therapist.

Former “American Idol” contestant Sanjaya Malakar is the latest celebrity to appear in a commercial for Nationwide Insurance’s “Life Comes at You Fast” campaign. He originally auditioned for a Geico commercial but found out it takes talent to act like a caveman.

International Olympic Committee president Jacques Rogge criticized Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt for showing a lack of respect to other competitors after his record-breaking gold medal performances in the 100 and 200 meters. Actually, the other competitors would have been happy if Bolt just gave them a hit of whatever brand of ganja he trains on.

Hallmark thinks there’s enough business in California and Massachusetts to justify a line of same-sex wedding cards featuring two tuxedos, overlapping hearts or intertwined flowers and a congratulatory message inside. If they sell well, expect other card companies to begin scouting zoos for gay chimpanzees who like to cross-dress.

Joseph Macko, an 84-year-old Flint, Michigan, resident, has bought or leased a new Cadillac every year since 1955 and last week drove home a 2009 Cadillac DTS. He got $10,000 off the sticker price for letting General Motors take a DNA sample in an attempt to clone him.

The French government has banned French channels from airing TV shows aimed at children under 3 years old. If that happened in the U.S., Bill O’Reilly would have to move to radio.

State TV in Iran says that country’s space agency plans to send an astronaut into space within 10 years. It gave no word on whether the astronaut will be holding jar of orange Tang or a box of yellowcake uranium.

New York’s famous “Naked Cowboy” will host a new reality show where he judges the talents of street performers in an “American-Idol”-style competition. Instead of calling in votes, fans will be asked to mail a quarter to their favorite performer.

John McCain said in an interview that, even though he’s 71, he will not promise to be a one-term president if elected. I guess that includes anything less than one term too.

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