Quarter-Pounder with Beets

President Obama is still trying to recover from the gaff he made on “The Tonight Show” comparing his bowling to being in the Special Olympics. Today he ordered the IRS to put a 90 percent tax on the bonus he paid his speechwriters.

CBS announced it is renewing its top sitcom “Two and a Half Men” through the 2011-2012 season. At that point they may have to finally cancel it because the “half” man, Angus T. Jones, will have passed Charlie Sheen in maturity.

A new survey found that as many as 60 million U.S. cell phone users are planning to cut back on usage due to the prolonged economic recession. As a result, “American Idol” is asking Ryan Seacrest to move to a smaller dressing room so they can use his current one as a warehouse for postcards.

Restaurants in Russia that serve foreign cuisine are having to switch to local foods because of the devalued ruble. Unfortunately, even Russians won’t go to McDonalds for a Quarter-Pounder with Beets.

Researchers at McGill University in Montreal say rats that consume low-to-moderate levels of alcohol get a feeling of well-being because their beta-endorphins are increased. Do you know what this means? Canada is developing an army of beer-swigging rats that could destroy life in America as we know it.

In a new video with Farsi subtitles, President Obama reached out to the Iranian people during the festival of Nowruz, a major Iranian holiday. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad plans to send a similar message back to Obama on Easter by throwing eggs at the U.S. Embassy.

The Russian Navy announced it will build the first of its new ultra-quiet Project 677 Lada-class diesel submarines next year. Luckily, the U.S. Navy will still be able to track the diesel submarines by watching for fish holding their noses.

First lady Michelle Obama turned the first shovel of dirt in the new 1,100-square-foot garden that will be planted next to the White House. The organic garden should do well since the White House gets a steady supply of manure from Congress.

NYPD arrested the man suspected of shooting an arrow in the Bronx that hit a woman in the stomach. He’ll be charged with assault, reckless endangerment and impersonating William Tell without humming the overture.

J.J. Abrams' new “Star Trek” film will have its world premiere at the Sydney Opera House on April 7. Australians didn’t like the Star Trek TV series at first, but now they love Captain Kirk ever since William Shatner developed a pouch.

A former police officer in England has been ordered to pay a fine for speeding on his motorcycle despite claiming his actions were caused by a sneeze. In a related story, pepper sales at British convenience stores along major freeways are way down.

Britain's Prince William has admitted that as a boy he wanted to be a police officer. Not just any police officer. OK, a police officer who wore a crown, made hookers curtsey and locked up drunks in the Tower of London, but still a police officer.