Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Change his Secret Service code name to Bruce Wayne

The Obama administration is looking for new environmentally-friendly disposable coffee cups to use during White House meetings. There’s still thousands of biodegradable cups left over from the Bush administration, but President Obama can’t think while looking at the word “Dixie.”

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner wants Congress to give him new powers to regulate huge financial companies like AIG. It would give him both public control over huge amounts of money as well as secret powers, which would force the Secret Service to change his code name to Bruce Wayne.

A parrot that alerted his owner about a baby who was choking was recognized as a hero by the Red Cross and given its Animal Lifesaver Award. The parrot is pretty smart, since it accepted the award by saying, “Polly wanna sell it on eBay.”

NASA won’t say if it will name a new room on the international space station “Colbert” after fans of Stephen Colbert wrote in his name in the space agency’s online contest to pick a name. Fans of Jon Stewart are now petitioning NASA to name the new urine recycling system “Cramer.”

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has a new job as a radio talk show host on the Chicago AM station WLS. WLS now stand for “Weaselly Losers Station.”

Maryland Democratic Senator Benjamin Cardin has proposed that newspapers be allowed to operate as nonprofits and have a tax-exempt status similar to public broadcasting stations. Unfortunately, no one knows about the proposal because he explained it in a newspaper Letter to the Editor.

In Florida, an eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas that made the other kids laugh before the stench caused them to choke. The eight-grader plans to use the suspension time to pitch the incident as a show on MTV.

A pastor and parishioner of a church in Wisconsin were cited by police for shooting an arrow during a church service as a so-called “teaching tool.” Now the rest of the parishioners have to decide which one will be the ass the Messiah rides on Palm Sunday.

Comedian George Lopez is joining the late-night talk show competition with his own show starting in November that he says will have an outdoor street-party atmosphere. An Hispanic male on the street at night. Isn’t that the premise of every episode of ‘CSI: Miami’?

Kiefer Sutherland says he’ll play Jack Bauer for an eighth season of “24” but the writers have to come up with a good story line. That could be tough. It will be the first season when they can’t call up at the last minute and get ideas from Dick Cheney.

President Obama made his first video conference call to the astronauts on the International Space Station this week. Not knowing why the president was calling, the astronauts panicked and offered to give back their hazardous duty bonuses.

Former President George H.W. Bush gave the McLane Leadership in Business Award to actor Chuck Norris. If you’re not familiar with this award, it goes annually to a person the elder Bush wishes was his son.

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