Dick Cheney still gets them confused with lawyers

Two days after leaving the Dallas Cowboys, Terrell Owens signed a one-year deal with the Buffalo Bill. The contract is for $6.5 million, but Owens can double that if he convinces Bills fans to change the name of “buffalo wings” to “chicken a la T.O.”

In his weekly radio and video address, President Obama encouraged Americans to look the current bad economy as a “great opportunity.” In other words, don’t look at the glass as half-empty … look at it as something you can sell on eBay.

A Japanese newspaper reports that country’s welfare rolls hit a record high in January. You know things are bad in Japan when the rich can’t afford sushi so they’re eating cooked fish while the poor can’t afford coal so they’re eating raw fish.

In Billings, Montana, firefighters rescued a 118-pound St. Bernard that had fallen through the ice on a golf-course pond. It took two tries to pull the dog out after they threw him back once for not holding on to his barrel of brandy.

Interior Secretary Ken Salazar has approved the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service's decision to remove gray wolves from the federal endangered list in the Northern Rockies and the western Great Lakes. They will still be endangered in Wyoming because former vice president Dick Cheney still gets them confused with lawyers.

NASA has launched a telescope into space to look for other planets like Earth. They tested the telescope by turning it towards our own planet and looking for Rush Limbaugh.

A new study found that the cell phones used by doctors, nurses and hospital workers are often contaminated with germs that can cause serious illnesses in hospitalized patients. When he heard this, Jerry Seinfeld called his agent to see if he could get a sitcom deal and turn this into an episode.

British scientists have been given the go-ahead to drill through the Antarctic ice sheet into Lake Ellsworth, which has been sealed off for thousands of years, and look for signs of life. They’re encouraged by the fact that penguins annually come to the spot, build wooden shacks and drops lines into holes.

“Dancing with the Stars” has lost singer Jewel and "Access Hollywood" star Nancy O'Dell to injuries, but they’re expected to be replaced when the show returns on Monday. The producers refuse to say whether the women injured themselves practicing or kicking themselves for not getting a better-looking partner.

“American Idol” contestants will perform hits by Michael Jackson this week, but Jackson will not be appearing on the show. They invited him but Jackson didn’t like their idea of showing his twelve different faces and having them compete with each other.

British pop star M.I.A. says rumors she has named her newborn son Ickitt are untrue. After her announcement, she got a call from Octo-mom asking if she could use it.

Researchers in Italy claim that the hydrogen sulfide emitted by hot springs, which smells like rotten eggs, may act as a natural version of Viagra. Even guys who don’t have erectile dysfunction like it because it hides the fact that they pass gas during sex.