Which one would conquer more Martians

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor survived her first day of questioning without too much trouble. The biggest problem was when a female protester started yelling at Sotomayor and before she could be removed, three Republican senators asked her for a date.

It seemed like every Republican senator questioning Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor compared judges to baseball umpires. You could tell it was getting to her. During the break, she asked for some peanuts and Cracker Jack.

Sacha Baron Cohen's raunchy new comedy “Bruno” had to be edited so it teens between the ages of 15 and 18 in England could see it. The British version is so short, it’s being shown with the trailer as a double-feature.

Even though he had an affair and his parents paid off his mistress’ family, Republican Sen. John Ensign of Nevada says he plans to seek reelection when his term is up in 2012. If Ensign doesn’t resign, he ought to at least be demoted to Senator Midshipman.

At the recent Young Republicans convention, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele said he plans to attract African-Americans to the party by offering “fried chicken and potato salad.” If Martin Luther King Jr. were alive today, he’d be working on his “I have to scream” speech.

President Obama’s favorite teleprompter fell over and broke apart during his recent speech about the economic stimulus package. The teleprompter was broken beyond repair, giving the president two reasons to be speechless.

NASA is offering college students a chance test experiments in microgravity aboard its “Weightless Wonder” airplane. So far, most of the applicants are frat boys who want to try drinking beer with no hands.

According to newly-released documents, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford's staff frantically tried to contact him 15 times while he was in Argentina with his mistress. They left messages on his cell phone, sent him emails and hired a blimp to fly over the Appalachian Trail flashing “Mark – phone home!”

Four Russians, a Frenchman and a German ended 105 days in isolation in Moscow on to simulate conditions on a manned mission to Mars. As expected, the Russians built a still to convert urine into vodka while the Frenchman and the German fought over which one would conquer more Martians.

According to a new study, cats have different purrs to signify when they’re happy and when they’re hungry. You can recognize the hungry purr because cats do it while scratching the word “tuna” on your leg.