The California legislature finally passed a budget for Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to sign. Arnold will sign it as soon as he finishes writing notes of apology to every legislator her called a “girly man.”
Ken Griffey Jr. has decided to return to the Seattle Mariners for one more season. His contract calls for a base salary of $2 million, plus incentive bonuses for home runs, game-winning hits and number of rumors he can start about steroid-using Yankees.
President Barack Obama met with Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper on his first foreign trip as president. The biggest issue they discussed was finding a way to get Canada out from between the U.S. and Sarah Palin.
The American Civil Liberties Union has sued on behalf of a man whose company name - “I Choose Hell Productions” - was rejected by the state of Pennsylvania. He came up with that name after the state rejected his first choice: “I Choose To Invest With Bernie Madoff.”
Oreste Lionello, a film dubber who was Italy's “voice” of Woody Allen, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellars and other actors, died in Rome at the age of 81. Always the dubber, his last words were in Allen’s voice: “I told you I was sick.”
Sen. John Kerry visited the Gaza Strip but didn’t meet with anyone from Hamas. In a re-creation of his loss to George W. Bush, no one seemed to be offended.
Kyrgyzstan's parliament voted to close the only U.S. air base in Central Asia. Kyrgyzstan residents were tired of U.S. officials referring to the base as Fort Whatchamacallit.
More bad news for Illinois Sen. Roland Burris. He was spotted scraping a bumper sticker off of his car that read, “What Would Blagojevich Do?”
The director of the International Shark Attack File reports that shark attacks dropped to the lowest level in five years in 2008. The number is expected to drop even lower in 2009 as sharks start avoiding people with peanut-butter breath.
Morgan Fairchild says Travis, the chimpanzee shot and killed after attacking a woman, was a delight to work with on their Old Navy commercials. In fact, she’d work with him before she’d work with Jon Lovitz, who claimed to have seen her naked.
Two elephants at the St. Louis Zoo have been diagnosed with herpes. This could be just what the Republican Party needs to finally dump the elephant as its mascot in favor of Rush Limbaugh.
Geronimo's descendants are suing Yale University’s famous Skull and Bones secret society for allegedly stealing the remains of the legendary Apache leader in 1918 and keeping them in its clubhouse. No Skull and Bones members would confirm it, but former President George W. Bush was rumored to have choked on a pretzel while watching a Redskins game.
A recently uncovered British dossier details a World War II prisoner's account of Adolf Hitler's "uncouth" table manners, including a tendency to pass gas. No one dared complain because the Fuhrer passed gas to the tune of the German national anthem.
UBS, Switzerland’s largest bank, has agreed to reveal the names of wealthy Americans whom the authorities suspect of using offshore accounts to evade taxes. In a related story, a water pressure drop on Wall Street was attributed to thousands of angry customers flushing vintage bottles of Swiss Miss.
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