‘Grande’ theft

The Kentucky legislature is working to give Speedway Motorsports a major tax break if the company can bring a NASCAR Sprint Cup race to Kentucky Speedway. In an attempt to get a tax break of its own, the Kentucky Derby has promised to allow crashes, tailgating and advertising on the horses.

Texas Governor Rick Perry said in a speech that he’s going to be cautious about taking money from the federal economic stimulus package. Then he was interrupted by an aide who apologized for telling him it was April 1st.

The hot product at the New York Toy Fair is a $99.95 “Smash-Me Bernie” doll that’s dressed in a devil-red suit and comes with a hammer suitable for smashing. To make it really authentic, spend another 50 bucks and put in on top of a Lego pyramid.

A jewelry salesman was robbed of $300,000 in gems when he stopped for coffee at a Starbucks in Parker, Colorado. Since the crime occurred on Starbucks property, it will be classified as ‘Grande’ theft.

A new study found that an all-natural nose spray whose main ingredient is capsaicin derived from hot peppers is effective for treating hay fever. What’s even better, one good sneeze after spraying can stop a robbery or break up a mob.

Bristol Palin, the teenage daughter of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, said in an interview that she wishes her pregnancy had happened 10 years from now. In a related story, Cindy McCain reports that she can heat three of her houses with just the steam coming out of John’s ears.

Conservative Christian leader Pat Robertson has joined those denouncing talk show host Rush Limbaugh for saying he wants President Obama to fail. Pat also wants Rush to turn gay so he’ll be struck by either lightning, a hurricane or locusts.

A 200-pound chimp that once appeared in TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola was shot and killed when he attacked a woman after being given Xanax. Apparently the owner misunderstood the chimp’s sign language saying he wanted Viagra.

Organizers say plans for George W. Bush's presidential library at Southern Methodist University have expanded to the point that it will be twice as large as his father's presidential library. According to the new plans, this will be the first presidential library in history that’s 95 percent covered parking.

Officials at a British railway station put up “No Kissing” signs to stop romantic riders from blocking other commuters trying to get on the trains. This wouldn’t work in New York since most delays are caused by other commuters egging on kissing couples to go all the way.

In Frankfort, New York, the owner of a bowling alley closed for repairs reports that all but one of the alley’s 150 bowling balls have disappeared. The crime occurred in spite of locked doors, daytime security cameras and nighttime motion detector security alarms, which means the crook had a lot of balls even before the theft.

A beaver has been spotted in a Detroit waterway for the first time in 75 years. Unfortunately, the beaver left town as soon as he found out that Detroit’s NFL team is still the Lions.