The Miami Solar Panels

Joe West, who umpired his first major league baseball game in 1976, is the new president of the World Umpires Association. He won the election by promising that he would finally get the umpires’ health care plan to cover glasses, contacts and laser eye surgery.

In Worcester, Massachusetts, a man who was upset about a 20-year-old unpaid speeding ticket that stopped him from renewing his license knocked over a nearly 150-year-old statue of Moses in the courthouse. He’ll be charged with malicious destruction of property, disturbing the peace and bringing a plague of locusts upon Worcester.

Iraq's highest court reduced the prison sentence for the Iraqi journalist who flung his footwear at former President George W. Bush from three years to one because he had no prior criminal history. That means he’ll be out in time to throw out the first shoe at the opening of bush’s presidential library.

GM and Segway have unveiled a new two-wheeled, two-seat electric vehicle based on the Segway scooter that will go 35 miles-per-hour. Based on how the driver feels seeing cars approaching quickly from behind, the vehicle has been nicknamed the Chevy Impaler.

Apple Corps Ltd. and EMI Music announced that the entire catalog of music by The Beatles is being digitally remastered for release in September. Despite numerous requests and a large sum of cash offered by Pete Best, they decided against digitally removing Ringo.

The AmericanAirlines Arena in Miami will be the first arena in the country to meet the strict environmental standards set by the LEED green building rating system. The standards are so tough, the Miami Heat will not be allowed to play there next season unless it changes its name to the Miami Solar Panels.

In California, a 23-year-old woman driving an expensive Ferrari owned by her boss flipped it after taking a curve too fast and caused an estimated $125,000 in damage. Alcohol was not a factor in the crash but was definitely a factor in getting up the courage to tell her boss.

According to a report in the journal Nature Neuroscience, researchers using monkeys have determined that scratching an itch turns off an itch “switch” in the spinal cord and could lead to new anti-itching treatments. The monkeys in the study hated losing their itches because they no longer had a reason to scratch and go “ooh-ooh-ooh-ahh-ahh-ahh!”

President Obama paid a surprise visit to troops in Iraq after he left Turkey. The soldiers didn’t mind when he said they would be staying in Iraq for a while, but they were really disappointed when he said he didn’t bring Michelle.

Vermont has become the fourth state to legalize gay marriage. Gays and lesbians can now get married in Vermont as long as they promise not to talk about what they do with maple syrup.

The White House says it won’t replace the rubber mulch under Sasha and Malia Obama's swing set despite warnings from an environmental group that toxins from the ground-up tires can irritate the skin, eyes and mucous membrane. The girls don’t mind because it reminds them of the air back home in Chicago.

According to a new study, more than half of the teachers in the U.S. are eligible for retirement during the next ten years. This comes as a shock to American students who think ALL of their teachers look like they’re old enough to retire.

A researcher in the Vatican Secret Archives has found a document that suggests the Shroud of Turin, said to be Jesus' burial cloth, was hidden by the Knights Templar for more than 100 years after the Crusades. The researcher has known about the document for years, but refused to say anything until Pope Benedict promised that he would be played in the movie by Tom Hanks.