If you spilled it, he will come

The owner of the Shades of Love lingerie store in San Antonio, Texas, was told she needs a $300 food permit because she sells edible underwear, body butter and flavored gels. What’s worse, the bus from the local retirement village that comes once-a-month must now be called a Meals on Wheels.

Kentucky’s Tea Party Senate candidate Rand Paul says he thinks private businesses should be allowed to discriminate on the basis of race. This explains the big donation Rand got from the nation’s largest manufacturer of white sheets.

NBA Hall of Famer Calvin Murphy said in a radio interview that the rumors are true that LeBron James’ mom had sex with her son's teammate Delonte West. Murphy has fathered 14 daughters with nine different women. In case LeBron’s mom was listening to his show, Murphy also mentioned that he still plays in a senior league.

Actress Valerie Bertinelli announced in AARP magazine that she’s engaged to businessman Tom Vitale, her boyfriend of six years. Ex-husband Eddie Van Halen announced in Rolling Stone that he was never married to anyone that old.

Arizona is threatening to cut off electricity to Los Angeles if the city doesn't reverse its decision to boycott the state over its immigration law. In response, Los Angeles threatened to cut off Arizona’s cable companies from receiving reruns of The Lawrence Welk Show.

The Connecticut state Department of Environmental Protection says a small monkey spotted in the town of Greenwich has not been seen in nearly two weeks. The monkey was last seen eating from a dumpster and is either gone, dead or trying to get its own show on the Food Network.

Scientists funded by actor Kevin Costner are offering to help in the cleanup of the BP oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. Costner is trying to get James Earl Jones to sneak into the bedrooms of BP executives while they’re sleeping and say, “If you spilled it, he will come.”

Two sea lions and a dolphin participating in a California disaster exercise located a dummy underwater mine and apprehended a diver posing as a terrorist. Unfortunately, they also rounded up thousands of innocent sunbathers with bottles of suntan lotion bigger than 4 ounces.

According to a new study, Viagra can cause long-term hearing loss. Now there’s two ways guys a can lose their hearing by going from soft to hard rock.

McDonald's is testing a new breakfast menu at 600 restaurants in the Northeast that will feature oatmeal. For its regular customers, McDonald’s will offer the Egg McMuffin in an oatmeal bag.

Two women in Louisiana were arrested for allegedly attempting to smuggle crystal meth inside a Bible to a man in jail. Jail officials got suspicious when the women kept telling the man to make sure he read the story about how Goliath got stoned.