Stand By Your Ma’am

George W. Bush’s FEMA head Michael Brown accused President Obama of “playing politics” with the Gulf Coast oil spill to turn public opinion against offshore drilling. Heck-of-a-job Brownie also offered his services to President Obama to help figure out a way to blame the oil spill on poor people.

Texas Governor Rick Perry says the oil rig explosion that caused the massive Gulf oil spill may have been “just an act of God” that could not have been prevented. He’s checking with Pat Robertson to see if God might be punishing the Gulf for luring so many kids to get drunk and have sex on Spring Break.

Stephen Hawking says that all you need to build a time machine is “a wormhole, the Large Hadron Collider or a rocket that goes really, really fast.” Hawking bases this on Einstein’s Theory of Relativity and Marty McFly’s theory of flux capacitors.

Naval Academy graduate John McCain is blocking a popular bill that would change the name of the Department of the Navy to the Department of the Navy and Marine Corps. McCain has nothing against the Marines … he just can’t remember long department names anymore.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says the Gulf oil spill has forced him to withdraw his support of a plan to expand oil drilling off the California coast. This is the same guy who caused a similar oil spill every time he showered off after a big bodybuilding competition.

Researchers have found the first scientific evidence that human growth hormone really does improve athletic performance. These researchers are now moving on to their next project: proving that three-of-a-kind really does beat two pair.

The World Health Organization launched a new website about anti-venoms in an attempt to reduce the estimated 100,000 deaths caused annually by snake poison. If you ask me, they could do the same thing with a YouTube video of a man screaming in fifty languages “DON’T TOUCH THE SNAKE!”

Country music singer-songwriter Chely Wright has officially confirmed that she is gay. She plans to sing about it in a new song, “Stand By Your Ma’am.”

A couple in Scarborough, England, spent $22,800 to convert a public bathroom building into a cozy home with a North Sea view. I guess that would make it a dungalow.

Many congressional Republicans say terrorism suspects who are U.S. citizens, like the suspected New York City bomber Faisal Shahzad, should not be read their Miranda rights. Republicans would rather throw rotten fruit at suspected terrorists, exercising their Carmen Miranda rights.