A 20 percent tax on urnings

Four fishermen were rescued by the Coast Guard three hours after their boat sank off the coast of Alaska. All the fishermen could talk about when they got to shore was the much bigger Coast Guard boat that got away.

An Oregon man suffering from terminal colon cancer is selling ad space on the urns designated to hold his ashes to pay for his cremation. He needs $800 but he has to raise more because the IRS puts a 20 percent tax on urnings.

A song by the Rolling Stones that has never been heard in public will be featured on an episode “Cold Case.” The episode is about solving a 40-year-old cold case involving Keith Richards trying to remember why they never released it.

Scottish singer Susan Boyle says she’s working on her autobiography called “The Woman I Was Born to Be.” She got the rights to that autobiography title after Chastity Bono became CHaz.

Only three men responded to a Florida hotel’s ad for a “tanning butler” to rub lotion on sunbathing guests. Two of them were qualified but the hotel can’t wait until the men finish their terms in the U.S. Senate.

The California Highway Patrol had to evacuate one of its offices due to a suspected bomb in a man's anal cavity that turned out to be a vibrator. A few hours later, the writers of “24” were begging Fox to give them one more season.

NASA has selected 76 community college students to take part in a workshop to develop robotic planetary rovers. These are expected to be the first rovers with a large back seat, huge bass speakers and a cigarette lighter.

European airlines claim they lost at least $1.7 billion in revenue during the volcanic ash crisis. Fortunately, European duty-free shops made that much on American tourists stuck in the airports for a week.

General Motors has repaid the $8.1 billion in loans it got from the U.S. and Canadian governments. The Republican Party says it will still call this a “bailout,” which should be a warning to anyone who gets in a leaky boat with a Republican politician.

Scientists say tremors at the Eyjafjallajokull volcano could trigger an even worse eruption at the nearby Katla volcano. Well, worse for the airlines but not for newscasters tired of trying to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull.

President Obama says he will not insist that his Supreme Court nominee pass any “litmus tests” in supporting a woman's right to have an abortion. However, he will require that the candidate have a chemistry background to explain to the American people what a “litmus test” actually is.

A group of retired military officers says that many American children are so overweight from being fed french fries, pizza and other unhealthy foods at school lunchrooms that they cannot handle the physical rigors of being in the military. For the first time in history, millions of American schoolchildren thanked a cafeteria lady for lunch.

Lorena Ochoa, the No. 1 player in women's golf the last three years, has retired at the age of 28. She says she wants to spend more time with her family, who are the only people who know that she was the No. 1 player in women's golf the last three years.

The Supreme Court struck down a federal law that made it a crime to create or sell dogfight videos and other depictions of animal cruelty. However, it made sure it’s still a crime for animal lovers to create or sell judge-fight videos and other depictions of judicial cruelty.